Kurt wisely didn’t argue with me on this point. “Every time I hear about people who practice polygamy now, it’s always a testimony to me that once God has withdrawn His support of any way of life, there is nothing holy left in it.”
Well, that was convenient, I thought. Just like the Manifesto of 1890 that had banned polygamy in the Mormon church. The manifesto had been conveniently received from God after Wilford Woodruff had been threatened by the US government with seizure of all church assets—not to mention imprisonment of every church official practicing polygamy.
The truth was, polygamy had always been one of the most unsavory elements of our Mormon past. Joseph Smith received the revelation to practice polygamy in 1839 and he’d practiced it in secret, even from his first wife, Emma, and some of the husbands or fathers of the women he married. Joseph spent years hiding the truth from Emma, and then wrote a scripture about how if the first wife didn’t accept polygamy, the husband had no more obligation to ask her permission.
The first rumors about polygamy started spreading in Nauvoo, Illinois, when the First Counselor in the Presidency of the Church, William Law, who had committed adultery and been denied a temple sealing, got angry that his wife asked Joseph Smith to seal her to the prophet instead. He bought a printing press with the express purpose of exposing the secrets of Mormonism, including polygamy, to the public. The Nauvoo Expositor printed but one issue before Joseph Smith demanded the destruction of this private property by church members. This was the reason Smith was thrown in prison, where he was martyred in Carthage, Illinois.
The true historical facts are available on the Internet, but in Sunday School lessons, the story tends to be that Joseph Smith was murdered by those who hated the popularity of the Mormon church and were jealous of the wealth of Nauvoo.
But now was not the time for Kurt and me to come to an agreement on the place of polygamy within the church. All I wanted from my husband tonight was for him to treat Naomi Carter politely. If he could add a little warmth in, that would be a bonus. Her goodwill as a daughter-in-law could mean the difference between our remaining part of our son’s life and being relegated to the outside, looking in.
Soon we were pulling to a stop in front of The Melting Pot downtown, where there was fortunately a parking spot. Kurt paid the meter and I went inside to give our name to the hostess. Then we were being led toward a table in the back of the restaurant.
The woman sitting next to Kenneth had long blonde hair, large hazel eyes, a strong Roman nose, and a Julia-Roberts-esque mouth that was emphasized with dark red lipstick. She was leaning into Kenneth’s arms and looked up when he pointed at us. I saw wariness cross her features before she could stifle it. I felt an instant of nervousness, as well.
“Mom, Dad, this is Naomi,” Kenneth said. “Naomi, my mom and dad, Kurt and Linda Wallheim.”
Kurt held out his hand and shook Naomi’s. She and I did a “Mormon hug” between women, where you touch across the chest, get a brief whiff of the other woman’s perfume, and glance sideways at her ear and cheek in simulation of a kiss. I was left with the faint impression of roses.
“Mrs. Wallheim, it’s so good to finally meet you,” Naomi said formally. “Mr. Wallheim, Kenneth talks about you all the time.”
“Mr.” and “Mrs.” were almost never used in the Mormon church. “Brother” and “Sister” were far friendlier, but we weren’t in a church situation now.
“Call me Linda,” I said. Marie and Willow called me “Mom,” but Naomi and I weren’t there just yet.
Kurt didn’t offer his first name, however. I wished he could just speed up whatever mental processes he was going through, but for now I waited for the awkward silence to pass.
“This restaurant is very nice,” he said at last, without bothering to even look around to make the statement believable.
We sat down, Kurt and I on one side of the booth and Kenneth and Naomi on the other. Kenneth was dressed in a white shirt, thin red tie, and the dark suit he probably hadn’t worn since his mission. It had grown too small for him in the shoulders, an apt metaphor for his church life, I suppose.
Naomi was dressed modestly in a plain white blouse and houndstooth patterned A-line skirt. There was nothing remotely old-fashioned about her that would make me think of polygamists or the FLDS church.
“It’s lovely weather tonight, isn’t it?” Naomi said.
“Yes, lovely,” Kurt said.
“I’ve never been to The Melting Pot before, but I’ve always wanted to. What a good idea to meet here,” I said.
“Kenneth picked it,” said Naomi, looking at him briefly with that intimacy that comes with long months spent together. “He thought it would be good to have, well, neutral ground, I guess.”
I stole a glance at Kenneth. On neutral ground? I wasn’t that scary of a mother-in-law, was I?
“Any night I don’t have to cook is a good night for me,” I said.
“You love cooking, Mom, and you know it,” said Kurt.
“Well, for family, that’s true,” I admitted.
There was another awkward pause. Kurt still didn’t seem to have anything to say.
“So, I understand you and Kenneth have been dating for about six months?” I said.
“More or less.” Naomi turned to Kenneth and put her hand over his. That was when I saw the ring, which was rather untraditional. Instead of a diamond solitaire it was a band of twisted gold with a leaf pattern.
I didn’t have a diamond solitaire either. I thought fondly back to that time, nearly thirty years ago, when Kurt had given me the simple gold band I still wore. He kept insisting he would buy me a more expensive ring after we were married and settled, but it had never happened. I was pregnant with Adam within months of the wedding, and all our money went toward saving for his birth.
Later, when Kurt could have afforded another ring, I didn’t want one. I was used to the ring I had. To me, it signified all the years we had suffered in poverty together and still been madly in love and committed to raising our kids. I looked at it now and reminded myself that whatever hard times we were going through, we’d had wonderful times before and might well have wonderful times again. I let out a long breath and felt the first sense of oneness with Kurt since November.
“Kenneth tells us you’re in medical school,” Kurt said to Naomi.
Well, this seemed to be moving in the right direction now. I kept quiet and let Kurt do his thing. After more than a year of bishoping, he was good at introductions and small talk.
“Just finished my first year. The easy year,” she added with a smile.
“There aren’t any easy years, and you know it,” Kenneth said. He lifted her hand and kissed it across the knuckles, then remembered we were watching and blushed slightly.
“So, tell us more about yourself, Naomi,” Kurt said.
“Well, uh—I think Kenneth has told you about my unconventional upbringing?”
I supposed that was one way to put it. “But we’d like to hear your own version,” I said.
She looked at Kenneth, then took a deep breath. “My mother was the first wife of my father, Stephen Carter. I’m the oldest of all his children. But neither of my parents was raised polygamous. They were both born mainstream LDS. When they married, my mother never thought she would be anything other than my father’s only wife.”
“What happened, then?” Kurt asked.
“Well, it was about ten years later that my father felt . . . called by God to become polygamous.” She hesitated over the word “called.” “He told my mother about it and she was the one who ultimately chose the second wife for him. He’s never married another wife without her consent.” She sounded like she didn’t understand it, and I didn’t either.
Kurt’s lips twisted, but he didn’t comment, no matter how tempted he might have been.
“Our family was already
living on the big tract of property on the hills that his parents had left him when they died. It was easy for him to build another house there. And then another after that, as he added wives.”
“There are five wives in all, right, Naomi?” Kenneth prompted.
Naomi nodded. “And twenty-one children as of now. Carolyn is expecting in a few months, so that will be twenty-two.”
That seemed far too many children for any one man, but many of our polygamous ancestors had managed larger families than that.
“And I understand that you were never excommunicated?” said Kurt. “Despite the polygamy in your home.”
“Well, our ward bishops so far have kind of looked the other way when it came to the wives and children,” Naomi said.
“But you left the church anyway?”
She shook her head sadly. “There are so many things I love about the Mormon church. Or there were, I should say. I loved The Book of Mormon and the hymns. I loved the Young Womanhood Recognition program, with all the values. And I loved the sense of shared community.”
I couldn’t help but feel a twinge of regret at Naomi’s mention of the Young Womanhood Recognition Program, the equivalent of the Eagle Scout program for boys. Until Georgia’s death, I’d always imagined I’d have a daughter who’d complete the program.
“But all that wasn’t enough, for some reason?” said Kurt. This was turning into precisely the kind of grilling session that I had been trying to warn Kurt against. Did he want Naomi to ever talk to us again?
“It’s not that,” Naomi replied levelly. “I started to have doubts about the church itself when I started asking questions about polygamy. I knew what my father taught us, but it was so different from what Mormons in our ward believed. No one could give me straight answers about polygamy’s place in the church. Some people said it was wrong and had nothing to do with being Mormon. Other people said it was the law of the celestial kingdom—I mean some people who aren’t even polygamists believe that.” She shrugged. “So I started reading to see if I could answer my own questions. The more I dug into the history of the church, the more problems I saw in it. There were so many situations besides polygamy where the church refused to apologize for mistakes in the past, or even to admit them at all. The Mountain Meadows Massacre. The Martin and Willie Handcart Company. The Adam-God Doctrine. Blood Atonement. On and on.”
Well, she had certainly done her research. I couldn’t disagree with her on any of those examples. They were all unjustifiably wrong and tended to be buried rather than talked about.
“The church belongs to Christ,” Kurt said. “Even if the apostles or prophets make mistakes, apologizing sounds like apologizing for Christ Himself. But even so, the church has admitted to mistakes. Not allowing blacks to hold the priesthood, for instance.”
“And how long did that take?” Kenneth interjected. “More than a hundred and fifty years after the Civil War.”
This was surely not the place for this fight between Kurt and Kenneth about the pros and cons of the church. It was too public and Naomi shouldn’t have to deal with that.
“Let’s get practical about the wedding day itself,” I said, as cheerily as I could manage. “How many people should we plan on your side bringing to the wedding? What kind of venue have you and Kenneth thought about? Do you have plans for a photographer, a florist, or a caterer? Do you want live music or a DJ?”
Kurt leaned back against the bench and looked at the menu as if it were hieroglyphics.
Kenneth cleared his throat. “It’s up to Naomi, really. She’s the bride.”
I wished he wouldn’t say that. I was trying to help and I didn’t know the bride at all.
“We’re working on pinning down a date and a venue. I don’t have anything else decided on,” said Naomi, more graciously. “Though I’m open to suggestions.”
“I’ll ask around. It’s been a few years for us, and of course it’s not the same when you’re planning a non-church wedding,” I said.
“Are you really all right with marrying without any religious covenant?” Kurt asked Kenneth. “It seems so cold, so contractual. Not to mention the fact that there’s no guarantee you’ll be together after this life.”
I wished Kurt could be more politic about this, but I could see how deeply he had been hurt.
“We don’t feel like we need a divine blessing on our marriage. It’s all about us living up to our promises,” said Kenneth. “And besides, a lifetime of love is plenty for us.”
“And a lifetime is longer than most people manage,” I said as smoothly as I could. “So if you do, it will be something to be proud of.” Please let this be the end of this topic, I thought, but apparently, Kurt was not reading my mind.
“But your children won’t be sealed to you,” Kurt went on. “Have you thought about that at all, Kenneth?”
Naomi was sitting up very straight and I wondered if that was what she did when her own father stuck his foot in something.
“Dad, I don’t believe in an afterlife. I’m not so sure about God, either,” said Kenneth.
There was my answer to the question about Kenneth’s belief system. It seemed very lonely to me, as someone who had once been an atheist and had come back to faith. But I shouldn’t close any doors on Kenneth’s behalf.
“Well, maybe you shouldn’t be getting married while you’re unsure about something so important,” said Kurt.
And maybe Kurt should shut up when it came to other adult’s decisions—even his son’s. I could see from the set of Kenneth’s jaw that he was finished letting his father poke and prod inappropriately. Good, I thought.
He said, “Naomi is the one surest thing in my life, Dad, and if you don’t want to be part of our wedding, that’s fine. We can move on without you.” There it was, the gauntlet thrown. Kurt could keep his mouth closed about the eternities or he could get himself disinvited from his third son’s wedding.
Kurt was, after all, a grown-up, and kept his mouth closed.
After that, Kenneth leaned back in his chair just like father, leaving me and Naomi to keep up the conversation. In any other situation, I might have thought it rude, as if he was saying that weddings were women’s work, but right then, I was just relieved.
“We should plan on you coming to the family dinner this month, Naomi,” I said. “Then you can meet Kenneth’s brothers. Except for Samuel, of course. He’s on a mission in Boston.”
“Yes, I’ve heard a lot about Samuel,” Naomi said. “Kenneth is very proud of his brother.”
I glanced at Kenneth and was surprised to find myself getting a little teary-eyed. “We all are,” I said.
The waitress came and took our orders after that. They soon brought pots of oil for cooking. While we waited for them to warm, Naomi looked directly at me and took a breath. “Linda, I asked Kenneth to set up this dinner for more than one reason. I know we aren’t ready to discuss wedding details, but I have a favor to ask.” She seemed very young in that moment. “This isn’t related to the wedding. It’s personal.”
I felt flattered at this. “Of course, just name it. Whatever I can do to help you.” Within reason, of course.
“I’m asking because—” She stopped, steeling herself. She pulled her hand away from Kenneth’s, as if to prove she could do this on her own. “Kenneth told me about the woman in your ward who went missing. And how you helped find her when the police couldn’t.”
Now I was confused. What did that case have to do with Naomi? “I’m sure I just did what anyone else would have done,” I said. It hadn’t been anything to be proud of, really. Kurt had been embarrassed by my nosiness and the way I’d put myself into dangerous situations, and I could see his eyes narrowing.
“Kenneth also told me about the man who was murdered in your church building and how you made sure that the police investigated the right person,” Naomi continued.
I wouldn’t have put it quite that way. “I’m afraid he may have exaggerated my real involvement,” I said, shifting in my seat uncomfortably.
Naomi hesitated again. “I need help with a family problem,” she said at last. “And from what Kenneth has told me about you, I think you might be able to help me.” Her hands twisting in her lap. “I’m worried about my younger sister Talitha. Something is wrong, and I was hoping you could try to find out what. I think she’s being abused. Maybe by my father, or possibly by someone else.”
This had not been what I was expecting. I thought she’d ask me to manage some fight between the various wives about who was going to stand in the line as her mother.
“How can I help?” I asked slowly.
“I thought maybe you could talk to her,” Naomi said. “See if she’ll open up to you.”
I felt terrible for Naomi, and for her little sister. I assumed a polygamous childhood was difficult even if there was no abuse. But I wasn’t the person to help. “You should have a professional talk to her, Naomi. Someone who has studied how to communicate with troubled children. I don’t have that kind of experience. I could do more harm than good.”
She shook her head. “I don’t want to go to a professional until I’m really certain there’s a problem. If I talk to the police or DCFS, they might take all the children away from my mother and the other wives, just because they’re polygamists.”
Possible. A case worker negatively disposed to polygamy might argue that the Carters’ living situation was damaging to the children. But the problem was, I wasn’t sure I disagreed. “I’m not sure what you’re asking me to do,” I said.
“I—it’s complicated,” Naomi said. “I don’t agree with the way my father lives, or how he runs his family. But that doesn’t mean I think he’s necessarily worse than any other Mormon man who thinks he has the right to tell his wife what to do because he has the priesthood.”
Kurt twitched at this. I wished I could tell Naomi that the kind of male privilege and superiority she was talking about wasn’t part of the church, but I had seen enough to be embarrassed by how often it was.
For Time and All Eternities Page 3