The Mammoth Book of New Comic Fantasy

Home > Other > The Mammoth Book of New Comic Fantasy > Page 53
The Mammoth Book of New Comic Fantasy Page 53

by Mike Ashley


  “I hear there’s to be Judgment,” said Adam.

  Mrs Wilson peered out through the drapes. “Aye, the Beelzebubs are next door. They’re about . . .” Thunder shook the house. The wail of dark hymns filled the air. The drums of war began. Thrum . . . thrum . . . thrum-thrum-thrum “. . . to begin, it would seem.”

  “But this time it’s not of our doing,” said Adam.

  “Some sins can’t be washed clean by First Comings, Adam.”

  Mrs Wilson took the apple and held it up to the light bulb in the ceiling rose. Its skin was delicate and moist. Millions of years old and not a hint of bruising sullied it. And there was still just the one bite from it, taken for her sins.

  Adam shivered visibly. “You mean to take a second bite, then?”

  Mrs Wilson nodded. “Have you noticed God and His Heaven are missing? It would seem the only way to bring them both back.”

  “It would cause a Second Coming, Eve. And at what cost to yourself? The last time we were thrown from the Garden; this time it could be from Creation itself.”

  “That, we shall see.” Eve hid the apple in the pocket of her blouse. “Whatever happens, it’s time God took responsibility once more for His creation.”

  “He’ll not like it.”

  “No, I suppose not.”

  All of Sunshine Terrace’s occupants were in the cages, when Mrs Wilson arrived back in Mrs Beelzebub’s front room. Mrs Rose looked lost and confused, and cold beyond the billowing liquid-nitrogen fumes. Mrs Trent grumbled, her umbrella held aloft and threatening. Mr Patrick from number seventeen argued with a nearby apocalyptic horseman. Mr Salty from number nine sobbed uncontrollably.

  To the front, his features twisted in fear and silent pleading, stood Mr Wilson. Mrs Wilson looked away, quickly. She shivered; betrayal, that was always the worst of times like these. Betrayal that she’d built a life of falsehoods.

  “I thought you’d be back,” said Mrs Beelzebub, sprawled regally in the Judgment Day chair by the hat stand in the corner, near the benches where she could keep a watchful eye on the troublesome imps of the jury. Behind her, silent, watchful, the Reaper stood. “You always were weak to my suggestions.”

  Mrs Wilson smiled, grim and knowing. Was it weakness? She was as she was made, after all, in His image, from dirt and ribs and breathed-in life; so whose weaknesses did she represent? It always struck her as wrong of God to put his only flaw in humanity, to let them mind it while he went off enjoying Himself about His universe, and then to allow mankind to be judged for it. Free Will seemed something of a cop-out when the flaw was programmed in.

  Eve took the apple from her pocket and raised it to the room. The firefalls on the wallpaper were stilled by its golden glow, the imps of the jury hushed, the dark hymns fell silent. The room seemed to close in around her until it was just she, Mrs Beelzebub, and the apple.

  Mrs Beelzebub leaned forward in the Judgment chair. Tense, she looked. “You still have that, after all this time?” she said. “And I suppose Adam is here, too?”

  “This time, Adam has nothing to do with it,” said Mrs Wilson. She saw concern creep across Mrs Beelzebub’s face, felt the Devil’s body tense.

  “Surely you don’t mean to use it?” said Mrs Beelzebub. “That would be to both our ruins.”

  Mrs Wilson kissed the apple, and then bit down hard into its flesh. The room shuddered. Plaster rained down from the ceiling. The damned wailed. The imps fell to the floor. The world spun slower in space. Time stopped.

  “Let there be Darkness,” said Mrs Wilson.

  And she saw that it was good.

  From the kitchen window at number eight, as she busied herself with lemon clean dishes, Eve looked out on a different garden. It was golden, and lush, and new, and warmed by a fledgling sun.

  There were no otherworldly cats, and no vortices to beyond, shimmering blue and green in the corner by Mrs Beelzebub’s rickety, wooden shed. There was no Mrs Beelzebub, for a short while, at least.

  Eve walked through into the living room where Mrs Rose and Mrs Tate’s teacups still lurked abandoned on the occasional table. Adam sulked in her armchair by the television. Beyond the front window, Sunshine Terrace was deserted. Empty, just like the world.

  “You could have saved me my floozy,” said Adam. “We had a good thing going on. She had Venus’s breasts.”

  Eve sighed. “Maybe, when God’s done making replacement folk in His image, you’ll find one like her.” She reached for the photograph of Mr Wilson set above the fireplace and brushed dust from its frame. A single tear welled in the corner of her eye. Would she be able to fashion Mr Wilson just as he was? Would he be different, this time, would he still love her? “And then again, maybe not.”

  Adam shook his head. “There’ll never be breasts like that, again.” He stood and reached for his coat. “What will you do now, Eve?”

  “Oh, I’ll be here, waiting, ready for the next time. The problem with Him making folk in His image is that there’ll always be a next time.”

  “Shall I take the apple? I could put it out for the bin men; oh, I mean when there are bin men, of course.”

  Eve grinned. “I think perhaps I’ll keep it safe, this time, for Humanity’s sake.” She opened the front door that Adam might shuffle out to his waiting Saab. “After all,” she said, “there’re not that many more bites left in it.”

  SOONER OR LATER OR NEVER NEVER

  Gary Jennings

  The Anula tribe of Northern Australia associate the dollar-bird with rain, and call it the rain-bird. A man who has the bird for his totem can make rain at a certain pool. He catches a snake, puts it alive into the pool, and after holding it under water for a time takes it out, kills it, and lays it down by the side of the creek. Then he makes an arched bundle of grass stalks in imitation of a rainbow, and sets it up over the snake. After that all he does is to sing over the snake and the mimic rainbow; sooner or later the rain will fall.

  – Sir James Frazer

  The Golden Bough

  The Rt. Rev. Orville Dismey

  Dean of Missionary Vocations

  Southern Primitive Protestant College

  Grobian, Virginia

  Most Reverend Sir:

  It has been quite a long time since we parted, but the attached Frazer quotation should help you to remember me – Crispin Mobey, your erstwhile student at dear old SoPrim. Since it occurred to me that you may have heard only a sketchy account of my activities in Australia, this letter will constitute my full report.

  For instance, I should like to refute anything you may have heard from the Primitive Protestant Pacific Synod about my mission to the Anula tribe having been less than an unqualified success. If I helped a little to wean the Anulas away from heathen sorceries – and I did – I feel I have brought them that much closer to the True Word, and my mission was worth its cost.

  It was also, for me, the realization of a lifelong dream. Even as a boy in Dreer, Virginia, I saw myself as a future missionary to the backward and unenlightened corners of the world, and comported myself in keeping with that vision. Among the rougher hewn young men of Dreer I often heard myself referred to, in a sort of awe, as “that Christly young Mobey”. In all humility, I deplored being set on such a pedestal.

  But it wasn’t until I entered the hallowed halls of Southern Primitive College that my previously vague aspirations found their focus. It was during my senior year at dear old SoPrim that I came upon Sir James Frazer’s twelve-volume anthropological compendium. The Golden Bough, with its account of the poor deluded Anula tribe. I investigated, and discovered to my joy that there still was such a tribe in Australia, that it was just as pitiably devoid of Salvation as it had been when Frazer wrote about it, and that no Primitive Protestant mission had ever been sent to minister to these poor unsaved souls. Unquestionably (I said to myself) the time, the need, and the man had here conjoined. And I began agitating for a Board of Missions assignment to the overlooked Anulas.

  This did not come
easily. The Regents complained that I was dismally near failing even such basic ecclesiastic subjects as Offertory Management, Histrionics and Nasal Singing. But you came to my rescue, Dean Dismey. I remember how you argued, “Admittedly, Mobey’s academic grades tend toward Z. But let us in mercy write a Z for zeal, rather than zero, and grant his application. It would be criminal, gentlemen, if we did not send Crispin Mobey to the Outback of Australia.”

  (And I believe this report on my mission will demonstrate that your faith in me, Dean Dismey, was not misplaced. I will say, modestly, that during my travels Down Under, I was often referred to as “the very picture of a missionary”.)

  I would have been perfectly willing to work my passage to Australia, to claw my way unaided into the Outback, and to live as primitively as my flock while I taught them The Word. Instead, I was surprised to discover that I had at my disposal a generous allocation from the Overseas Mission Fund; overgenerous, in fact, as all I intended to take with me was some beads.

  “Beads!” exclaimed the Mission Board bursar, when I presented my requisition. “You want the entire allocation in glass beads?”

  I tried to explain to him what I had learned from my research. The Australian aborigines. I had been given to understand, are the most primitive of all the peoples living on earth. An actual remnant of the Stone Age, these poor creatures never even got far enough up the scale of evolution to develop the bow and arrow.

  “My dear boy,” the bursar said gently. “Beads went out with Stanley and Livingstone. You’ll want an electric golf cart for the chief. Lampshades for his wives – they wear them for hats, you know.”

  “The Anulas never heard of golf, and they don’t wear hats. They don’t wear anything.”

  “All the best missionaries,” the bursar said rather stiffly, “swear by lampshades.”

  “The Anulas are practically cavemen,” I insisted. “They don’t even have spoons. They have no written language. I’ve got to educate them from ape on up. I’m just taking the beads to catch their fancy, to show I’m a friend.”

  “Snuff is always appreciated,” he tried as a last resort.

  “Beads,” I said firmly.

  As you have no doubt deduced from the invoices, my allocation bought a tremendous lot of colored glass beads. I really should have waited to buy them in Australia and avoided the excessive transportation bill; they filled one entire cargo hold of the ship which took me from Norfolk that June day.

  Arriving at Sydney, I transferred the beads to a warehouse on the Woolloomooloo docks, and went to report immediately to PrimPro BisPac Shagnasty (as Bishop Shagnasty likes to style himself; he was a Navy chaplain during the war). I found that august gentleman, after some search and inquiry, at the local clubhouse of the English-Speaking Union. “A fortress, a refuge,” he called it, “among the Aussies. Will you join me in one of these delicious Stingarees?”

  I declined the drink and launched into the story behind my visit.

  “Going to the Anulas, eh? In the Northern Territory?” He nodded judiciously. “Excellent choice. Virgin territory. You’ll find good fishing.”

  A splendid metaphor. “That’s what I came for, sir,” I said enthusiastically.

  “Yes,” he mused. “I lost a Royal Coachman up there on the River Roper, three years back.”

  “Mercy me!” I exclaimed, aghast. “I had no idea the poor heathens were hostile! And one of the Queen’s own chauf –!”

  “No, no, no! A trout fly!” He stared at me. “I begin to understand,” he said after a moment, “why they sent you to the Outback. I trust you’re leaving for the North immediately.”

  “I want to learn the native language before I get started,” I said. “The Berlitz people in Richmond told me I could study Anula at their branch school here in Sydney.”

  Next day, when I located the Berlitz office, I discovered to my chagrin that I would have to learn German first. Their only teacher of the Anula language was a melancholy defrocked priest of some German Catholic order – a former missionary himself – and he spoke no English.

  It took me a restless and anxious three months of tutorage in the German tongue (while storage charges piled up on my beads) before I could start learning Anula from the ex-priest, Herr Krapp. As you can imagine, Dean Dismey, I was on guard against any subtle Papist propaganda he might try to sneak into my instruction. But the only thing I found odd was that Herr Krapp’s stock of Anula seemed to consist mainly of phases of endearment. And he frequently muttered almost heartbrokenly, in his own language, “Ach, das liebenswerte schwarze Madchen!” and licked his chops.

  By the end of September Herr Krapp had taught me all he knew, and there was no reason for me to delay any longer my start for the Outback. I hired two drivers and two trucks to carry my beads and myself. Besides my missionary’s KampKit (a scaled-down revival tent), my luggage consisted only of my New Testament, my spectacles, my German-English dictionary, a one-volume edition of The Golden Bough, and my textbook of the native language, Die Gliederung der australischen Sprachen, by W. Schmidt.

  Then I went to bid farewell to Bishop Shagnasty. I found him again, or still, at the English-Speaking Union refreshment stand.

  “Back from the bush, eh?” he greeted me. “Have a Stingaree. How are all the little blackfellows?”

  I tried to explain that I hadn’t gone yet, but he interrupted me to introduce me to a military-looking gentleman nearby.

  “Major Mashworm is a Deputy Protector of the Aborigines. He’ll be interested to hear how you found his little black wards, as he never seems to get any farther Outback than right here.”

  I shook hands with Major Mashworm and explained that I hadn’t yet seen his little black wards, but expected to shortly.

  “Ah, another Yank,” he said as soon as I opened my mouth.

  “Sir!” I said, bridling. “I am a Southerner!”

  “Quite so, quite so,” he said, as if it made no difference. “And are you circumcised?”

  “Sir!” I gasped. “I am a Christian!”

  “Too right. Well, if you expect to get anywhere with a myall abo tribe, you’ll have to be circumcised or they don’t accept you as a full-grown bloke. The abo witch doctor will do it for you, if necessary, but I fancy you’d rather have it done in hospital. The native ceremony also involves knocking out one or two of your teeth, and then you have to squat out in the bush, twirling a bullroarer, until you’re jake again.”

  Had I heard about this when I first heard of the Anulas, my zeal might have been less. But having come this far, I saw nothing for it but to submit to the operation. Still, someone might have told me earlier; I could have been healing while I was studying languages. As it was, I couldn’t delay my start North. So I had the operation done that very night at Sydney Mercy – by an incredulous doctor and two sniggering nurses – and got my little caravan on the road immediately afterward.

  The trip was sheer agony, not to say a marathon embarrassment. Convalescence involved wearing a cumbersome contraption that was a cross between a splint and a truss, and which was well-nigh impossible to conceal even beneath a mackintosh several sizes too large for me. I won’t dwell on the numerous humiliations that beset me at rest stops along the way. But you can get some idea, reverend sir, if you imagine yourself in my tender condition, driving in a badly sprung war-relic truck, along a practically nonexistent road, all the way from Richmond to the Grand Canyon.

  Everything in the vast interior of Australia is known roughly as the Outback. But the Northern Territory, where I was going, is even out back of the Outback, and is known to the Aussies as the Never Never. The territory is the size of Alaska, but has exactly as many people in it as my hometown of Dreer, Virginia. The Anula tribal grounds are situated in the far north of this Never Never, on the Barkly Tableland between the bush country and the tropical swamps of the Gulf of Carpentaria – a horrible 2,500 miles from my starting point at Sydney.

  The city of Cloncurry (pop. 1,955) was our last real glimpse of h
umankind. By way of illustrating what I mean, the next town we touched, Dobbyn, had a population of about 0. And the last town with a name in all that Never Never wilderness, Brunette Downs, had a population of minus something.

  That was where my drivers left me, as agreed from the start. It was the last possible place they might contrive to hitchhike a ride back toward civilization. They showed me the direction I should take from there, and I proceeded on my pilgrim’s progress into the unknown, driving one of the trucks myself and parking the other in Brunette Downs for the time being.

  My drivers said I would eventually come upon an Experimental Agricultural Station, where the resident agents would have the latest word on where to find the nomadic Anulas. But I arrived there late one afternoon to find the station deserted, except for a few languid kangaroos and one shriveled, whiskery little desert rat who came running and whooping a strange cry of welcome.

  “Cooee! What cheer? What cheer? Gawdstrewth, it’s bonzer to see a bloody newchum buggering barstid out here, dinkum it is!”

  (Lest this outburst has horrified you, Dean Dismey, allow me to explain. At first, I blushed at the apparent blasphemies and obscenities commonly employed by the Australians, from Major Mashworm on down. Then I realized that they use such locutions as casually and innocently as punctuation. And, their “Strine” dialect being what it is, I never knew when to blush at their real deliberate cusswords, because I couldn’t tell which they were. Therefore, rather than try here to censor or euphemize every sentence uttered, I shall report conversations verbatim and without comment.)

  “Set your arse a spell, cobber! The billy’s on the boil. We’ll split a pannikin and have a real shivoo, what say?”

 

‹ Prev