by Jack L. Pyke
“He’s a sub?” said Jan, casting a glance at Jack.
Gray had caught how quiet it was behind him. “I was twelve, Jack, I didn’t know the D/s lifestyle then. But everything that he tried to explain after that... I just saw him bound and naked on his knees at my mother’s feet.” Gray gave an angered sigh. “Most kids see their fathers fall at some point, but back then, he was my life.... He travelled the world, buried me in languages, could bring cultures to life in the living room without the aid of any artefacts, just the way he spoke.... And the one person I trusted to lock the doors of a night and keep my mother safe....”
Gray looked up at Jan. “A year later, my mother was called away overseas, something to do with MI6 that I’m still not given clearance to see, even at my level. My father went with her. He came back. She didn’t. My father lost his wife, I lost my mother, and for years I let him know it was because he was too weak to look after her.”
The shuffle of feet came from behind and Gray tilted his head in its direction.
“Just a boy, Jack,” he said in a soft tone without turning around. “I didn’t know anything then; I certainly don’t know it all now. I spent a long time hating my father, playing mind games with him that he’d taught me, all to break someone down because of what I thought was weakness. When for all of his life, all he ever did was love my mother on a level it took me years to understand, respect, and want.”
“What about Ed?” Jan asked, looking so tired. “He doesn’t talk to your father either?”
Gray gave a bitter smile. “My mother was his daughter; she carried the Welsh aristocracy and heritage, my father carried the Spanish. He got the blame from all quarters. One quiet word from my grandfather had my father packing his things and always... working.”
Jack came over and his discreet brush at Gray’s cheek before he sat down next to Jan had Gray looking down for a moment. It was his private way of asking if he was all right.
“Have you never thought of contacting him?” Jan wasn’t quite ready to look at Jack yet.
“All the time. But there’s too much damage done.”
“We learn, we fuck up,” Jack mumbled, brushing a touch at the back of Jan’s hand now. “No rules to say we can’t, just the space to fuck up and be given the voice to say it.”
That had been the reaction that Jack had been after, just to stop the silent screams.
As Jan focused on his own hands, Gray gave a heavy sigh. “Jack, with Martin—”
“He knifed you at some point.”
Gray winced at the hurt almost breaking free next to Jan.
“Your reaction over the knife at Logan’s,” Jack said gently, and Jan looked hard at Jack. “I’ve never seen you scared like that, mukka. Not until then.”
Gray dropped his head a touch. “I deserved it. I took something back then that was never offered.” Gray snorted. “And Martin’s fucking loved it ever since.”
The questioning going on in Jack’s eyes said he didn’t understand. But then, thought Gray, how could he?
“Back when you were nineteen, I slept with you.”
Jack stiffened. “You didn’t touch me until I was twenty.”
“I touched Martin first.” Gray frowned sickness, mostly sadness. “But I thought I was holding you.”
“You slept with Martin?” said Jan, looking at him, his brow creased. “Christ, they trip you up at every turn.”
“Finest hurt,” Gray said quietly, casting a glance at Jack. “Martin, how he plays....” Jan had seen it, but it was hard to explain to Jack. “His kink is always getting you to agree to play, then making you live through the sickness.” He wiped a hand over his face. “I thought I slept with you that night; there was no sickness, only with what came with knowing it wasn’t you.” And what came after?
“You told Martin how you felt? He knows how you feel about Jack.” That came from Jan.
“I’d have let Jack climb inside my soul if he’d asked that night.” Gray fell quiet a moment, that tug on how Logan had fallen so easily now biting hard at his own insides. How Martin lay there, holding on and—
“Awww, thanks, Welsh, these moments are keepers.” Martin kissed at Gray’s neck. “This your trust? Your compassion? Your respect?” Quiet. “Wanna see mine now?”
Gray rubbed distractedly at his stomach, and Jack shifted, gently easing the tail of Gray’s shirt up to expose above his hip. A touch brushed at the two scars marking there.
“Seen these so many times over the years...” Jack followed his touch with his gaze, then glanced at Gray. “He did that? I did that?”
“I took something that night I shouldn’t have, Jack.”
“Bullshit, you know full well if it had been me, I’d have been there beneath you.” He kissed his lips. “So you think you deserved... this?” The anger bit through.
Gray let his shirt fall back over the scars. “I could have killed him that night,” he said into the quiet. “It was there; it would have been so fucking easy to slice that knife across his windpipe, but—”
“You left,” said Jack, with a frown. “I remember waking and not seeing you again for a few months.”
“I went home. And for a while back in Wales, I didn’t exist beyond those borders. Jack, you’re a switch in every sense of the word, and it came so fast that night,” said Gray. “It was as if something snapped, like it did with Logan. You were there. Not fully, but enough to hold on.”
Gray looked away. “So I let you fall, this time back to sleep, then patched myself up. Sheets were cleaned, blood stains removed... you wiped down. What had happened was my fault, and I left with what I’d stolen.”
“You didn’t steal, Gray,” Jack said angrily. “It was given, always, just not by me that one time.”
“Worst part being, Jack, and Martin saw it... If I’d have known—” Gray shrugged. “—I still would have slept with the pretence, with Martin. That’s the sickness: that I loved you enough to have wanted to lie with Martin again, despite the knife wounds, the blood—his laughter. It’s when I knew I needed to back away, because I would have fucked that bastard over and over again just to have had five minutes of pretending to hold who hid beneath.”
Jack wiped his thumb over Gray’s cheek, the troubled look in his eyes easing.
“Despite everything,” Jan mumbled eventually, “the scars, the walking, the fights.... How you loved him has never changed.”
“You can’t stop who you fall in love with, Jan,” said Gray. “There were two times where I thought I could, but it only hurt more.”
Jack seemed to search for something. “After that... the night we first slept together when I was twenty.” He shifted to his knees, body now close to Gray’s as he cupped his face and made sure Gray stayed with him. “You’d looked so torn for a moment, saying we all had fears... we all had flaws... you were warning me there.” Jack searched his eyes. “Damage had already been done....” He rested his head against Gray’s. “You said you needed me to trust you, mukka... mostly because you were lost in an apology for already holding me when I wasn’t there, for saying you’d loved me when I wasn’t there to hear it....”
“Jack—” Gray winced as a hard kiss bruised his lips.
“No wonder you didn’t fucking touch me for so long.” Jack sighed as his hand slipped around Gray’s throat, cheek now against cheek. “When I was twenty and you woke and found me wrecking your room after we made love... Christ, mukka, what went through your mind? Did you think you’d slept with Martin that night too?” A kiss came at the curve of Gray’s throat. “Yet you still came close, you still held me and... and that was the first night you taught me to go casual with a photo and calm life...”
“Jack—”
“I once said I’d never apologise for loving you,” Jack said, now back against his lips. “But because I know it will piss off every bone in Martin’s body—I will apologise for him, for hurting you. For the damage he’s done.”
Jack’s kiss was so soft, but Gray pull
ed away after a second. “Jack... that’s not it.”
“Gray, it’s okay; it’s—”
“I have a boy.”
After stilling his wipe of Gray’s cheek, Jack pulled back.
Gray frowned at Jan, finding it so hard to look at Jack. “He’s seventeen now, and—”
Jack sat down on his knees. “A son?”
“Trust...” mumbled Gray, rubbing at his head. “Fuck... I couldn’t risk telling you, Jack. Not with Martin. Not with...” He gave a hard sigh. “Doesn’t matter, doesn’t count anymore.... I’ve held him three times,” he mumbled. “The last when he was four weeks old.” He shrugged. “I turned my back on mine thinking he’d catch my backhand blow at some point. Everything I’d done up to that point in the army, what MI5 and beyond were teaching me... my father.... He’d barely weighed anything in my hands, and I backed away knowing things break when I get too close.”
He was back with Jack. “I love your look, stunner, you’ve got no idea how much, how no matter my faults and flaws, how I’ve hurt, it proves me wrong every time that life can’t taint it, but I hate the father in me because of it. I never trusted myself with him as I have with you.”
“Did you love her?” Jan had a slight tilt of head that had Gray smiling a little. Jan was gay through and through, had never slept with a woman, and that glance there tried to fathom the how and why in all this. The fact he’d moved away from everything else and was trying to figure this out was what kept Gray close.
“We knew each other from the Valleys and served as officers in the army together. Yes,” he said. “But I don’t sleep with women as a rule.”
“Kind of a Straight For You thing?”
Jack choked a chuckle from somewhere as he eased back by Jan and glanced at him. “You been at those gay romance books again? Do I need to burn a few, because this happy ending stuff, it’s getting fucking tough.”
“One or two. And touch them and you’re dead.” It was the first time that Jan looked at Jack, hurt still there in his smile. “You haven’t seen him since?” he said back to Gray. “Your son?”
Gray shook his head and Jack avoided eye contact. “Not just because of you, Jack. I’d make a damn lousy father. Look how I handled you as a teen.”
“Not the same. I’m not your kid; I can barely look at my old man and say that I’m his.” Jan tightened his grip on Jack’s hand. “You don’t suffer fools and thieves,” added Jack. “That in no way suggests you wouldn’t handle being a father.” There was a slight smile. “And between the two of us, we’ve got to hit a right note somewhere as far as respectability goes.”
“Three. There’s three of us here,” said Jan, scowling.
“Yeah, but forgetting to return that romance book to the travel library doesn’t count as... y’know... ‘evil’ street cred. You’d make a damn good father.” Jack even air quoted that and Jan elbowed him a little. He’d left out the drugs, and even though Jan knew it had been left out deliberately, he seemed to love that no judgements came from Jack’s heart.
But they soon fell quiet and their silence said they knew this was no place for a kid, not with the horrors that still twisted their bodies beneath the sheets.
“So, now we know Gray’s dark sins...” Jack held his hand out to Jan. “I’m Jack. You’ve already noticed that Harrison is tagged above the door to my garage. I’m a mechanic by trade, ex-MCer but working to get back in someday, basic loveable rogue, and also occasional psycho nut job that can sometimes be found hanging out at the local psych ward every now and again. Pleased to meet you, Mr Jan Richar—”
Jan laughed, then choked a sob.
“Hey.” Torn, Jack looked at Gray as Jack pulled Jan in close. Jan pushed Jack away, then giving a sniff, a wipe at his nose as another tear spilled, Jan held his hand out to Jack.
“Name’s Jan.” Brown eyes found Gray’s. “I’m in love with two men, but I don’t think they know how much... and... and I... I nearly killed someone for just how much I love those two men.” He looked down at shaking hands. “Scares... scares me so fucking much. And I think... it’s hurting too much now.... And I... I need some help.”
Gray didn’t have time to reply. Jack pushed Jan to the floor, snaking arms under his and holding him close. “You went there for me.” Jack glanced at Gray. “For him.” He kissed at Jan’s throat, his lips. “But you wanna know something?”
Jan held Jack’s gaze and a tear ran free as he nodded.
Jack shifted a hand over Jan’s eyes, blacking his view of the world. Then he kissed him, a gentle play that pushed through the seam of Jan’s lips.
“Even when life got dark, when we couldn’t see each other, you always tasted like Jan Richards, financial consultant, and damn soft-hearted soul to me.”
Jan snaked his arms around Jack’s shoulders and buried his head into the curve of Jack’s throat. “I miss the old Jan so much.” The grip on Jack had Jan’s knuckles turning white. “I miss looking at my hands and only seeing years of counting numbers. I know it’s boring, but... but—”
Gray stroked through Jan’s hair, feeling the grief under his touch, then Jan tugged him down, his cool forehead going hard against Gray’s.
“Don’t... don’t make me leave because of this. Please.”
Gray screwed his eyes shut and rested his hand on Jan’s jaw. “You were never going anywhere, Jan.”
Jack was still kissing at Jan’s throat. “Because Gray’s got the key back to the chloroform cabinet. He comes with... intent.”
Jan choked a small laugh, a few more tears. “No friends in the mix there too?”
“No friends,” mumbled Gray. “Friends come and go. But lovers... There was never any remedy for love but to love some more.”
“H. D. Thoreau,” mumbled Jan. “Those five months away... did it teach you that?”
“Knowledge,” said Gray before crushing a rough kiss to Jan’s lips. “Don’t ever stop using it for me, Jan.”
Chapter 26
Deceit
Two hours later, Gray made his first stop with Craig to re-run through any care plan that Halliday might be happy to implement. Then after Craig headed on upstairs to Jack and Jan as they licked wounds in the bedroom, Gray found Trace talking quietly to Gabe and Dare in the living room.
Gabe and Dare exchanged a glance or two, then they headed out towards the kitchen. Gray caught Gabe’s arm, stopping him in his tracks, and for a moment, they both watched each other.
“Like Trace said.” Gabe eased his touch away. “We’re not just here for Jack and Jan.”
“Focus on Jack. You focus on Jan. The whole idea of not using my Dom skills was so that Martin isn’t triggered.”
“To handle Jack and Jan, that means focus on you too.” Gabe sighed, then patted Gray’s arm lightly. “Those cuffs didn’t tell you anything you didn’t already know.”
Gray eased off.
“Good,” said Gabe in a gentle tone. “You safe worded your sub, Gray. After the years of handling Martin, of being knifed—”
Gray crossed his arms, about to ask how—
“Ed,” said Gabe. “He helped get you patched up and over to the MC before you went back to Wales. But everything that came after that? Having Jan come on the scene, the dangers of him being around Jack and the security you made sure Jan had, then their rape, the torture—losing Jack as he was sectioned, losing Jan because you knew Jack needed him.... that part of you has to understand that stepping away was the best thing you could have done. But it also hurt who you are in the process.” There was a tired smile. “Any Dom worth their salt will know when to back away when they’re unsafe around their sub.”
A gentle stroke came at Gray’s shoulder. “It doesn’t matter how far Jack and Jan come, they’re going nowhere without you. So focus is of course on you, and for that, surrounds those handcuffs whether you like it or not.”
“Maybe,” said Gray.
“That’s good enough for me.” After giving a glance back at Trace, Gabe tugged Da
re towards the kitchen.
Catching Trace’s eye, Gray went over. “Don’t do that again.” He stopped by him as Trace rubbed at a split lip. It had already been seen to, but Gray moved his touch away and twisted Trace’s head to get a better look. “Permission given or not, that could have gone wrong in so many fucking ways and hurt everyone.”
“Jan’s got a dark side to him,” said Trace, distractedly wincing as Gray checked the wound. “He sticking around?”
Gray nodded. “And where it comes to Jack... he has, yes. I told you that.” He gave a final touch to Trace’s jaw, just to remind him that he’d always have the final say when it came to care, especially aftercare, and Trace gave a wink.
“Careful, bright eyes. You might actually have to admit it to him one of these days.”
“Hm?”
“That you’re... concerned about Jan too.”
Trace’s smile faded when Gray frowned.
“You didn’t expect it, did you?”
Gray flicked a small smile. “Jan’s...”
“Yeah, staying where he is. I get that now.” Trace tightened his bandana, but Gray made sure it sat right. “Those seventy-two hours are up this time tomorrow. Anything on the codes?”
Gray stilled for a moment. “I have an... acquaintance working on the codes we do have. The search has also been extended beyond the source and family.”
“You’re looking at employees they’ve come into contact with when it comes to the codes?”
Gray nodded, then shifted when he got a text through.
Humpty... Dumpty...
Is he tired of “watching shit fall”?
An image came through a moment later.
Vince pinned Jack to the floor as Henry flattened Jack’s hand. Knife poised to cut off Jack’s bloodied fingers. Henry’s face was smashed in, nose broken with blood that dripped in thick streams onto Jack’s outstretched hand. Only Jack didn’t look as though he was struggling. Free hand gripping at Vince’s collar, Jack hid in Vince’s neck, face lost to the hold, to the writing scrawled across the screen shot.