Mother's Story

by Amanda Prowse

  ‘Here you go, love.’ Matthew handed her the bottle, which she placed in Lilly’s seeking mouth.

  ‘She’s a good little eater, isn’t she?’ he cooed. He placed his finger on the underside of the bottle. ‘Just raise the end up a bit to make sure she doesn’t swallow any air, then she’ll settle better after.’

  ‘Right.’ Jessica nodded and lifted the bottle as if being instructed and wanting to take it all in.

  Matthew sat at her feet and kissed her knee. ‘It’s all going to be okay, you know, Jess. Things will get easier when you are in more of a routine.’

  She nodded, desperately hoping this was true.

  ‘I think it’s a good thing I’m going back to work tomorrow, it’ll give you and Lilly a chance to get to know each other a bit better. And your mum’s coming over for a couple of days, which will be fun.’ He smiled. ‘I know things haven’t been that easy for you. I think it’s because you had such a difficult birth and it was all a bit of a shock. Cathy the health visitor agreed.’

  ‘I know,’ she whispered.

  ‘Do you want me to put Jake off?’ Matthew asked.

  ‘Hmmmmnn?’

  ‘He’s coming over for a cuppa this afternoon, would you like me to ask him not to?’

  ‘Don’t mind.’ She shrugged. Not Jake, please. Not today. I don’t want to see anyone. Anyone.

  ‘He’s desperate to see this little one.’ Matthew stroked Lilly’s little toes with his fingers. ‘And I can’t blame him, she is so beautiful!’ There it was, the baby voice again… ‘Must admit, I’ve missed the idiot. Be nice to catch up and I’m sure he won’t stay long.’

  Jessica nodded and kept her eyes on her baby. An hour later, Jake’s booming voice shattered the fragile peace. ‘Hey, amigos!’ he shouted as he stepped inside the hallway.

  Jessica felt the sleeping Lilly jump in her arms. She closed her eyes and tried to dig deep to find a smile and the warm welcome he would be expecting. She listened as he and Matthew chortled and bantered in the hallway, just like old times. She stared at the baby in her arms, hoping she wasn’t going to wake up, not yet. Making mistakes with Lilly was bad enough, but doing so in front of an audience was worse.

  ‘Well, well, well, Jessica Deane. Get you, you look like a mum!’ Jake screeched as he came into the sitting room. ‘Plonked there, looking knackered with your wee girl. How are you?’ He bent to kiss Jessica, holding his jacket flat against his chest so as not to disturb Lilly.

  ‘I’m good.’ She smiled.

  ‘You look like a natural,’ he said. Her smile broadened. ‘She’s a bit small, I was expecting a larger model.’ He raised his generous eyebrows and scrutinised the baby in her arms.

  ‘She’s a baby, Jake. They’re meant to be small.’ Matthew tutted.

  ‘Suppose so.’ Jake nodded. ‘Does she look like anyone?’ he asked.

  ‘She looks like herself,’ Jessica answered.

  ‘Blimey, that’s a relief. If she had a massive conk like her dad’s, it would stand out a mile.’

  ‘She happens to have the most exquisite nose ever created,’ Matthew stated matter-of-factly.

  ‘Oh, someone’s got it bad!’ Jake nudged his friend in the ribs.

  ‘Mate, I am absolutely crazy about her. I knew I wanted to be a dad, but I had no idea how it would knock me for six. If anyone had told me I could feel like this about another human being, I wouldn’t have believed them.’

  Like you used to feel about me…

  Matthew sighed. ‘The moment I held her, it was like a punch to the gut. Like meeting Jess all over again, but more intense. She needs me, needs us. Having something so totally helpless rely on you is a huge responsibility but also the biggest privilege.’

  There was a moment of silence while everyone considered Matthew’s speech.

  ‘Fucking hell, mate, you sound like Spiderman,’ Jake said.

  All three laughed and as Jessica dissolved into giggles, she felt a flicker of her old self reach up through the stifling veneer of motherhood and extend a waving hand through the crack.

  ‘Polly been round with veggie bonkers hippy bloke yet?’ Jake asked as he flopped down onto the sofa.

  ‘Don’t call him that. He’s actually really nice.’ Jessica felt the need to defend both her friend and Topaz, whose warmth and sincerity she had come to love.

  ‘I didn’t say he wasn’t!’

  ‘Calling him veggie bonkers hippy bloke is not a compliment, Jake!’ Jessica felt the twitch of laughter on her face once again. It had taken the arrival of Jake in their home to remind her what normal felt like.

  ‘Fair enough. Fair enough.’ Jake nodded and raised his palm. ‘I shall only refer to him by his real name of Topaz.’

  And once again the three fell about laughing.

  ‘Topaz? I mean, come on, Jess, what the fuck?’ Jake roared.

  Lilly slept on, oblivious. As Jessica laughed and chatted to their good friend with her baby girl in her arms, for the first time since giving birth she felt like a natural. Maybe I can do this. I can.

  ‘Anyway, I don’t want to be rude, but what does a man need to do to get a beer around here? If this is what parenthood means, you can shove it! I’ve been here for ten minutes and not so much as a cup of tea or a cold brewski. Your standards are slipping and I think it’s all her fault!’ Jake pointed at Lilly, who sighed and knitted her hands across her tummy as if on cue.

  The doorbell rang. Matthew sprang up and Jessica heard her best friend’s loud squawking. Her stomach flipped at the prospect of more guests.

  She looked at Jake. ‘Polly is really keen on this guy and you have to be nice and make him feel welcome.’

  He threw his head back and laughed.

  ‘I mean it!’ she whispered. ‘They are only popping in, so be nice.’ She pointed her finger in his direction as if this somehow enhanced her threat.

  ‘All right, Jess! Blimey, what’s that tone for, are you practising your angry mummy voice?’

  ‘I get plenty of practice with you around, Jake. I still haven’t forgiven you for announcing to the whole wide world that I was pregnant!’

  ‘Oh, thank God for that. I thought you were still mad at me for telling your parents about you and Matt shagging on your first date!’ Jake raised his beer bottle in a self-congratulatory manner. ‘I will of course be polite, but I bet he’s a four-stone weakling with bad skin and a darting eye.’ He shuddered. ‘Vegetarians are always so worthy, desperate to tell you why meat is murder. I find I have very little in common with lentil munchers.’

  Polly walked into the sitting room and curled her lip at Jake before smiling at her friend. ‘Oh, Jess! Look at her! She is so beautiful, you clever girl. You look fantastic!’ She graced her friend’s cheek with a kiss. ‘Can I hold her?’ She rubbed her hands in anticipation as she sat down at Jessica’s feet and took the sleeping Lilly in her arms.

  ‘This is Topaz,’ Matthew announced as they walked into the sitting room.

  Jake looked from Polly’s chisel-jawed beau to his mate. In their eyes, he ticked at least three boxes that usually invited derision: funny name, long hair and a collection of bangles and leather bracelets. Both recalled the time Scotty, their roommate at uni, had appeared after the summer break, sporting a leather thong around his neck and what looked suspiciously like highlights. He had been known ever since as Point Break.

  ‘Congratulations, Jess. And you, Matt. You must be over the moon. Isn’t it incredible?’ He spoke as one who had plenty of experience of newborns.

  ‘So, Topaz…’ Jake paused as though expecting a ripple of laughter. ‘That’s an unusual name. Does it run in the family?’ He shot Matthew a quick look before taking a sip of his beer. Ignoring Jessica’s request for politeness, this line of questioning was entirely for his friend’s benefit.

  Topaz sat forward. ‘Please, call me Paz. And actually no, it doesn’t. I’m the first.’

  ‘Really? You surprise me.’ Jake feigned surprise.

  Topaz join
ed his fingers and rested his elbows on his knees. ‘I was actually christened Roland Raymond Jacques de Bouieller – it’s the “Raymond Jacques de Bouieller” bit that gets passed on, so my elder brother is Simon Raymond Jacques de Bouieller. But my godfather took one look at my very blue eyes and called me Topaz. I was about two; we were at my parents’ house in St Barts. It just kind of stuck.’

  Polly smirked in Jake’s direction. He hesitated, taken aback by the man’s connections and apparent wealth. He stuttered briefly. ‘So… so, Paz, you’re a yoga teacher.’ He smiled.

  ‘Yes, yoga, meditation, spiritual health, that kind of thing.’

  Jake looked at Matthew. ‘And all that meditation gets you fit, does it?’ He snickered.

  Topaz stood and with two fingers gently lifted the hem of his white linen shirt to reveal a perfectly sculpted, tanned six-pack. ‘Partly, but my mixed martial arts training and running help as well. I find that the combination and discipline of all three help maintain not only my fitness but my stamina too.’ He let his shirt fall and ran his palms over his taut thighs.

  Jake sucked in his slight paunch and turned to his friend. ‘See the football at the weekend, Matt?’

  Polly winked at Jessica. She loved watching Jake squirm. ‘I don’t think I’m ever going to let her go,’ she gushed. Her eyes, which were fixed on Lilly, sparkled with tears. ‘Holding her feels like the best medicine in the world.’ She turned to Paz’s tormentor. ‘Have you held her, Jake?’ she asked casually.

  ‘No. I’m a bit too ham-fisted to be trusted with something so delicate. You know me, Mr Put-His-Foot-In-It Awkward Bastard.’

  ‘Surely not?’ Paz said and everyone bar Jake laughed loudly.

  Matthew unbuttoned his shirt and threw it into the space behind the bedroom door where other items of dirty laundry lurked. ‘It was nice to see everyone, wasn’t it?’

  ‘It was.’ Jessica sipped from her water glass and settled back on the mattress.

  ‘They loved Lilly.’

  ‘They did.’

  ‘Mind you, hard not to. Polly was surprisingly good with her, don’t you think? Wonder if she’s getting broody now that Paz is on the scene. Can’t imagine Jake being a dad, though, can you?’ Matthew stepped out of his jeans and hung them in his wardrobe.

  Jessica shrugged. ‘Don’t know really.’

  ‘I don’t want to go back to work tomorrow. I’ve loved being home with my girls. I wish I could stay home forever and watch her all day. I don’t want to miss anything.’

  Jessica nodded, not trusting herself to comment for fear of the outpouring it might trigger.

  Matthew dived onto the bed and wriggled over to where she lay. ‘Come here, you,’ he instructed as he pulled her towards him, pushing one arm beneath her until she was lying in his arms. He kissed her scalp and ran his palm over her shoulder and back as he kissed her neck.

  Jessica tensed and placed her flattened palms on his chest, giving a small push. ‘Don’t! I can’t… we can’t do anything, Matt. The doctor said six weeks. So…’

  Matthew pulled away and sat up. ‘Christ, Jess, there’s no need to look at me like that! I was only trying to make you relax. I was happy with a hug, I wasn’t going to jump on you! I know what the doctor said. I was there, remember? And if you want to be specific, he said six weeks was a guideline, but if it felt comfortable before then—’

  ‘It doesn’t,’ she interrupted, with more force than she’d intended.

  ‘And don’t I know it!’ He gave a short derisory laugh.

  ‘I’m sorry,’ she mumbled. ‘I just don’t feel like…’

  ‘No, I know. I know there’s lots you don’t feel like and that’s fine.’ His tone did not quite match his words. ‘There’s no rush. But don’t ever push me away like that. We’re on the same side, remember? And I love you.’

  Matthew set the alarm, clicked off the lamp and turned onto his side. Jessica could see by the set of his muscles that he was far from sleep. She closed her eyes and waited for sleep. I’m sorry, Matt. I’m sorry.

  17th May, 2014

  The smiley nurse popped in today. Not a friend exactly, but a friendly face, which was nice. I see her occasionally when newbies arrive or she has to work in my wing.

  ‘How are you doing, Jessica?’ she asked, and not in the way the doctors or the guards do, but as if she really cared about my answer.

  I put my sketchpad down and looked up at her. ‘Bit better,’ I said, which is the truth. I can’t fully explain it, but since I have started drawing more, putting pencil to paper and sketching my thoughts and fears, it’s as if I can exorcise the bad thoughts that have swirled around in there for too long. It certainly helps. And it helps my therapist see what I have difficulty in expressing.

  Smiley nurse squinted at the pad. ‘That’s good.’ She smiled and it felt good to know that in here there is someone that feels happy that I might be on the mend, even if she is just one person. ‘What you drawing?’ she asked, pointing to my sketch.

  I lifted the page and let her stare at my pencil drawing of the Tramuntana mountaintops with the spiky trees and the terrace where the sun peeks over the iron railings.

  ‘Wow, you’re really good!’

  I felt my heart swell at the compliment.

  ‘Where is it?’ she asked, folding her arms across her chest as though she had plenty of time to chat.

  Again, I told her the truth. ‘It’s the place where I have been the happiest I have ever been. I think about it a lot.’

  She smiled and said, ‘It’s good to have those places, isn’t it?’

  I nodded. For me, it wasn’t only good, it was the one thing that kept me going, the thought that I might go there again and that happiness might be waiting for me.

  Fourteen

  At the sound of the front door closing, Jessica lay back against her pillow and took a deep breath. The day that Matthew had gone back to work, three weeks ago, had been a dark day. Jessica had spent the night before watching him iron his shirts and sort his notes, staring at him, imploring him to read her. She knew she should have been the one ironing his shirts – he had enough to think about with preparing to go back to work after a couple of weeks off – but she felt glued to the sofa. She feared giving voice to her ugly thoughts: ‘Don’t leave me, Matt, please stay here! I can’t do it without you! I know I’m supposed to be getting the hang of it, but I’m not! I can’t walk up and down the stairs with her as I’m scared I’ll trip and fall. And how do I know when she has had enough bottle or when she needs a nap? How do you just know how to do these things and I don’t?’

  Now, as she heard him grab his keys from the console table and step outside into the big wide world, Jessica was overcome with desolation. It didn’t matter how much she tried to reassure or remind herself out loud that all she had to do was stay at home, inside their beautiful house, and care for their healthy baby. It didn’t even come close to easing the dark glue of despair that filled her completely. She was sensitive to the slightest hint of criticism. Just the thought that he and Cathy the health visitor had discussed her made Jessica feel so angry; her suggestion that the difficult birth had been a bit of a shock for her – well, no shit, Cathy! You think? Jessica’s anger was quick to flare but even quicker to blacken into deep despair. She pictured her sadness like a thing inside her, creeping along her veins and settling into any void it could find. This dark mass was at present sitting below her throat and she knew that if not kept in check, it would rise up and drown her. This was her biggest fear.

  She lay and let the cold blanket of dread wrap itself around her, wishing beyond hope that she could fast-forward the day until the sound of Matthew’s key in the lock meant she could hand responsibility for Lilly over to him. There was nothing she could do to stop it. It mattered little whether it was sunny or raining, dark or light: every day felt like a challenge before it had even begun and it was exhausting.

  Every offer of help from her parents or in-laws was accepted. Whenever she
handed Lilly over, she felt ecstatic, but the high was quickly followed by a painful, guilt-ridden low. Jessica avoided the mother-and-baby groups, the gangs that gathered with their strollers, blocking the doors to coffee shops and swapping tips on parenting as they cooed over and compared each other’s offspring. She wasn’t like them. For her there was no healthy glow of motherhood, no bounce in her step as her post-pregnancy body shrank back into shape.

  Jessica looked at the clock; it was 7 a.m. and already she felt utterly drained at the thought of what lay ahead. There was a knock of fear inside her chest at the prospect of spending hours alone with her baby. She closed her eyes and offered up a silent prayer. Please, please let her sleep. Let her sleep and give me some peace. I can’t do it. I can’t do it all again today. I don’t have the strength. It was irrelevant that she had only just woken after a good nine hours, her night only briefly disrupted to settle Lilly, who had cried out and then gone straight back off.

  Throwing her duvet in an arc from her body, she slid to the side of the bed and carefully pulled herself into a sitting position. Her feet reluctantly thumped against the floor; even getting out of bed required the utmost effort. She had a vague memory of herself running into the bedroom and leaping onto their bed, landing Matthew with a push as they both laughed and shed their clothes. It seemed like another person, one she could hardly relate to.

  Jessica sat on the loo, reminding herself not to flush the handle – anything not to wake Lilly one moment before she had to. Creeping from the darkness of their en suite – she hadn’t wanted to risk the click of the light switch – she leant forward on all fours on the mattress and prepared to lay her head in the nest of pillows that she had only just vacated, when the faltering bleat of her baby drifted across the hallway.