Jessica laid her head on the flat space between her husband’s shoulder and chest, feeling the soft rhythmic pulse against her cheek. She blinked. ‘I’m giving you a butterfly kiss,’ she whispered, beating her lashes against his pale flesh. She felt Matthew’s arms envelop her in a hug. Their conversation was slow, unhurried.
‘I didn’t know what a butterfly kiss was when I met you. Do you remember?’
She smiled. ‘There were lots of things you didn’t know.’
‘That’s true.’ He grazed the top of her head with a kiss.
‘You didn’t know the car-name rule. I remember asking what your little Fiat was called and you looked at me as though I was crackers. His number plate was R zero fifty-five – you’d been driving around in “Ross” and you didn’t even know it.’ She felt his chuckle grow in his chest.
‘And I didn’t know the rule concerning red sauce and brown sauce.’
‘But it’s so easy to remember.’ She rolled her eyes. ‘It’s always red unless it’s a dish that starts with P, like pie or pasty, then it’s brown. Other than that, it’s red. Easy.’
‘What about paella?’
‘Neither sauce required, clever clogs, although we didn’t eat much paella when I was growing up. We had a fair few fish fingers though.’
They laughed and lay against each other, relaxed, with the flames of happiness flickering from long-forgotten embers. Jessica felt contentment swirl inside her like a swallowed cure. She felt better, so much better. This was her medicine, this was what she needed: to lie in the arms of her husband, enjoying the quiet of being alone together. When she spoke, her voice was small, conscious of spoiling the moment and wary of being heard.
‘I love it here,’ she whispered.
‘Me too,’ Matthew mumbled drowsily.
‘Do… do you ever wish it could be like this all the time?’
‘Hmmm?’ Matthew was close to sleep and needed it repeating.
Jessica drew breath. ‘Do you ever wish we could turn back the clock to when there was just the two of us?’ She let the idea hang in the air before continuing. ‘Back to when we could do what we wanted, sleep when we wanted. Just the two of us?’ She heard him sigh, but he didn’t say anything. Jessica took this as her cue to continue. ‘I sometimes think of the night we made Lilly. She should have been called Pimm’s. Do you remember, we were so drunk on it when we made her, I was convinced she’d come out with slices of cucumber and a strawberry on her head.’ Jessica laughed.
Matthew laughed too. ‘We’d best not tell her that! Far better she think that we planned her and yearned for her rather than she was the result of a few drinks too many!’
Jessica raised her head and propped it on his shoulder. ‘I wish… I wish I’d not drunk so much that night. I wish we’d waited a few years, stuck to our five-year plan and had more moments like this.’
Matthew shifted, easing her head from his body until he sat up.
She ran her fingers over his strong, bare back and continued. ‘If I hadn’t been so sloshed, I wouldn’t have been so unlucky and then if we hadn’t had Lilly, there wouldn’t have been the next baby.’
Jessica’s words tailed off; she was only half aware that she was actually voicing the thoughts that she dwelt on with regularity in private. It was as if she was lulled into her chatterbox state by a rare moment of euphoria, helped by the champagne. ‘I think about it a lot. I imagine what we’d be doing if it was just us. We wouldn’t know what it was like to be truly knackered or to have every second of every day hijacked by a baby. We’d be free… And I think about the miscarriage and I feel guilty because you were so upset, but I was just relieved, that’s the truth!’
Matthew brought his knees up beneath the sheets until his elbows rested on them and with his head in his hands he began to cry. Jessica at first thought he was laughing, until she heard the unmistakable sound of sobbing.
‘Matt! Oh no, Matt! Don’t cry. Please don’t cry! Why are you crying?’ She sat back against the pillows and wondered what to do.
All Matthew could mutter was, ‘Oh God. Oh my God!’ His tears were a mix of grief and rage. His breathing was erratic. He couldn’t talk.
Jessica listened to him and watched, wide-eyed from the other side of the bed.
His words when they did come were delivered with a newly hardened edge to his voice. ‘No! No, Jess. I never, ever think that. I love my girl, I love my family and I could never, ever think of Lilly in terms of being unlucky.’ This word he almost spat. ‘There was nothing unlucky about being given our beautiful little girl.’ He swiped at his tears with the back of his hands and threw back the sheet as he stumbled from the bed.
Jessica shrank back against the padded headboard. ‘I didn’t mean it like that,’ she whispered.
‘No? How did you mean it, Jess? How the fuck did you mean it? I don’t know what’s got into you. I don’t know what’s happened. I try to understand. I do. I have been more than patient, but sometimes I don’t know what the fuck is going on! I can’t keep pace with your moods. Every time I put the key in the door, I never know what I’m going to find. Your highs and lows have a massive effect on Lilly and me. It’s like holding a mirror up to your mood: the rest of us take our cues from you and it’s shit, really shit!’ Matthew stood by the side of the bed, staring at her like she was a stranger.
‘I know it’s shit. I… I just get so tired,’ she said. ‘So tired that I can’t stay awake, can’t think. And when I do think, I feel so sad that it saps every ounce of strength that I have ever possessed and I miss me. I miss the me I used to be. The me that bounced and laughed and looked forward to things.’
‘Christ, you miss her? Try being me! I fucking miss her – if I ever knew her, that is.’ He placed his hands on his hips and stared at his wife, his tone, clipped. ‘I’m not so sure sometimes.’
‘I’m still here, Matt.’ Jessica patted her chest. ‘I’m sorry I’m not the woman you need me to be. I need you to help me, Matthew, and I need you to wait for me, please!’ She was almost begging. ‘It will be okay when I’m not so tired. It will.’ She nodded, trying to convince them both.
‘You’re tired?’ He snorted his anger. ‘I’m busting my balls commuting in and out of town every day, an hour there and back just so you can have the fucking house of your dreams and you’re tired? I do everything in the house because if I don’t it all goes to pig shit, which you seem happy to wallow in, but I’m not.’
‘It’s not just tired, it’s… it’s like I’m in this dark place—’
‘Dark place? I tell you what, I’ll swap you. I’ll take wandering around in my pyjamas and playing with Lilly all day. I’ll fucking take it any day of the week. Christ, it’s not as if you’re cooking dinner or cleaning the place regularly! What the fuck is it that you do all day that is making you so tired?’
Jessica slunk further down the bed. Crawling into a ball, she pulled the sheet up under her nose.
‘Paz said I had to give you time and space. Said that it wasn’t your fault and that you were fragile.’
Jessica closed her eyes, hating the level of detail with which he and Topaz had discussed her. It made her feel less of a person and if she was less of a person then what was she? She knew that everyone was talking about her – her parents, Polly, everyone. It left her feeling as if she had no one to talk to, no one to keep her secrets. She was on her own. Completely on her own.
Matthew continued. ‘How much time and space do you need, for God’s sake? Because I tell you what, Jess, I’m at my fucking wits’ end and I’m finding it very hard to reconcile you with the girl I married.’
‘I don’t know where she is, Matthew. But I want her to come back. I do. But I feel as if I am drowning. I am drowning,’ she whispered, mouth hidden by the sheet as she stared at him.
‘And even now, you can’t say anything, not one word. Not one fucking word. You’re just lying there in silence.’ Matthew grabbed his pants, jeans and shirt from the floor. ‘Lilly is the most amazing thing
we have ever done. Our greatest achievement. She comes first, always. Before us and before you. Got it?’
‘I’m sorry,’ she managed.
‘Oh God! Please! Not “sorry” again! I don’t want to hear sorry. It feels a little thin.’ He reached for the door handle before turning back to look at his wife, who lay in the middle of the grand bed. ‘To be honest, Jess, sometimes you make it really hard to keep loving you.’
Jessica heard the door close and looked up at the space that he had vacated. Her tears fell hot and fast. The thought, the very idea of Matthew not loving her, was absolutely the worst thing that she could imagine. Jessica just wished that things could go back to the way they were when she and Matt were happy. She would do anything, anything to recapture those days.
18th July, 2015
This morning I got the sweetest news you can imagine. I met with my doctor and he told me that I will be released in six weeks. Six weeks! I can’t quite believe it. I can’t! I will be free of these walls and I will no longer have to force down food that sits like ashes in my mouth. I can’t wait to stare at the clouds, walk barefoot and breathe clean lungfuls of fresh air. I shall take in the view and feel the breeze on my face. My heart is singing. I have smiled for the first time in as long as I can remember and I have songs in my head. It’s wonderful. Music has been gone from me for such a long time. I have missed it. I have missed lots of things.
My doctor tells me I have to write everything down, everything that I can remember from the day itself. So that’s what I’ll do. Not for anyone else to read, just for me. He says it will help greatly as I work towards my release day. It’s going to be hard, because much of it I have blocked out of my mind since. I have had to, to survive. But mainly it’s hard because it’s like writing about a person I don’t know, a person I don’t recognise. It’s as if she was this dark shadow of me lurking inside and now she has gone I can only look back at that time with deep, deep sadness and regret. It is hard for me to accept what I did, whether in an altered state of mind or not, I know I will pay for it, for the rest of my life.
Twenty-Four
Polly paced the kitchen floor.
‘So how was the weekend? Did you guys catch up, get good sleep?’
‘Something like that. The place was beautiful and the food was great.’ Matthew avoided eye contact.
Polly picked up a new black and white framed photo of Lilly. ‘She is so beautiful! Look at her little nose, Paz! I’ve loved seeing her today. She has really grown.’
‘Think someone’s getting broody.’ Matthew winked at his friend.
‘Hey, she’s pushing on an open door. I think when the time is right it’ll happen for us and it will be such a gift.’
‘I want one just like this! She’s so good and so gorgeous!’ Polly squeaked.
‘And she’s a great little sleeper. It certainly makes things easier.’ Matthew hesitated, smiled a little and filled the kettle.
Polly knew that nothing was easy, not for Jessica. ‘How’s she doing?’ she asked, her voice quieter.
Matthew pinched the bridge of his nose and sighed. ‘Not… err… Not great.’
‘Is she still taking her medication?’ Topaz asked.
‘She says she is.’ Matthew gave the honest answer; he wasn’t sure what was going on. Jessica had hardly spoken to him in the past week, most of which she had spent in bed with the curtains closed.
‘And what about counselling, is that still happening?’ Paz prompted.
Matthew shook his head. ‘She doesn’t want to see anyone. Which makes things hard. I’m worried about her. I know it’s a dip she’s going through – losing the baby has hit her hard – but she won’t talk about it and of course it sent her hormones haywire again.’ He sighed. ‘We need to give her time, I know that, but I can’t watch her like a hawk every minute, that’ll send us both crazy. Even crazier.’ He smirked.
‘Is she interested in Lilly?’
‘No. Not really.’ Matthew busied himself with the gathering of mugs and the making of coffee. ‘Not at all, in fact. I do everything for her and Jess is happy to let me. Her mum and dad pop over when they can, but it’s not a good situation, not good at all.’
‘Well, Lilly certainly looks happy,’ Polly interjected.
‘Yep. It’s funny. She’s being an angel, almost like she knows she has to be.’
‘Can I go up and see her?’ Polly asked.
‘Yes, of course.’ Matthew nodded. ‘She might be sleeping.’
Topaz smiled at his wife as she left the room. ‘I’m worried about you, Matt.’
Matthew scanned the cluttered work surface and turned to his friend. ‘Shall we go and sit down?’
The two men picked up their cups of coffee and made their way into the sitting room. The dishes could wait.
‘So, come on, how are you doing?’
‘Truthfully?’ Matthew paused. ‘I don’t know how much more I can take.’ This was the first time he had shared this with anyone other than his wife. He exhaled. ‘The weekend was a complete disaster. I’m hoping that when she’s fully rested—’
‘How much sleep do you think she needs?’
‘I know what you’re saying, Paz. But it’s difficult. I lost it a bit when we were away and she’s kind of closed me out since then. I didn’t mean to and I regret it, but we rowed and I said some things… I don’t want to push her, I want to support her and I think there is a fine line.’
‘I agree with you, Matt, but leaving her to stew under the duvet is not going to help her. Not going to help anyone. It’s not addressing anything. The problem won’t just go away.’
‘What do you suggest?’
‘You won’t like what I suggest.’ Topaz looked serious.
‘Try me.’
Polly knocked on the bedroom door as she pushed it open. The window needed opening. The room smelt of stale air and a body in need of a shower. Jessica lay very still on her side of the bed. Polly crept in and sat on the flattened side of the duvet.
‘Hey, bud. I just came up to let you know that you are back to being Mrs Boring, in case you were wondering, and yet again, if I could choose a more exciting and engaging best friend, I definitely would.’ Polly lay on her back with her head on Matthew’s pillow and crossed her legs at the ankle.
Jessica felt the springs fold under Polly’s weight. She could hear her friend’s breathing. She wanted Polly to go away. She was in no mood for her humour or her company.
‘I know you are awake,’ Polly said. ‘I can tell because you are being extra quiet and not moving. Don’t forget how often I’ve bunked in with you over the years. So, because you are my best friend whether I like it or not, I’m going to ignore your silence and chat anyway. Like I used to when we shared a tent at Guide camp and you wanted to sleep and I wanted to chat.’ Polly cleared her throat. ‘So I think Matthew is a bit worried about you, doll. We all are, because we love you. We love you very much.’
Jessica blinked rapidly and pushed her face further into the pillow.
‘Paz and Matt are downstairs putting the world to rights. Lilly is zonked out. She’s been so funny today.’
Jessica screwed her eyes shut. The last thing she needed was an update on what everyone was doing. As ever, she hated the fact that they were all talking about her. All talking about her and not to her. Having to listen to Polly, who sounded happy, caused bile to rise in her throat, which threatened to choke her. It took all of her strength not to shout at her friend that she should enjoy this bit, make the most of every second before a child came along to spoil it.
‘I’m sorry about the baby, Jess. I really, really am. You were doing so well, this is just a bump in the road. And you will bounce back out the other side, I know you will.’ Polly sighed. ‘And the good news is, I’ve found you a cleaner! A great girl called Paula; she lives near here. She could come in for a couple of mornings and run the hoover over or help with the ironing, whatever. I shall leave her card on the fridge in case you want to ca
ll her, okay? Okay.’
Polly sat in silence for a minute more. ‘I bought you a present. I’ll pop it on your bedside cabinet and you can look at it later if you feel up to it.’ She stood up and placed her gift by the lamp and a half-empty glass of water. ‘I’ll leave you now, Jess, let you sleep. But when you’re ready to talk, just shout and I’ll be here like a shot. I love you. Don’t ever forget that.’ She patted her friend’s still form and walked towards the door.
Jessica opened her eyes and lifted her head; on her cabinet was a beautiful red leather notebook.
‘One more thing,’ Polly said before closing the door behind her. ‘You can’t stay up here forever. You need to make a plan. A plan that gets you out of this room and allows you to start living your life. I’ll help you if you like, we all will. But it needs to happen and it needs to happen soon. We miss you.’
Polly made her way back downstairs, where Matthew and Topaz were mid conversation.
‘That’s not going to happen, Paz! No way am I sending her away.’ Matthew’s tone was sharp.
‘Well, if you change your mind, I have the details.’
Matthew wrinkled his nose and swallowed. He gave a small nod in acknowledgement.
‘She’s sleeping,’ Polly lied, preferring this to the fact that her best friend had just ignored her. ‘Maybe another week in Majorca is in order?’
‘Christ, Poll, that can’t be the bloody solution. We’d be bankrupted by childcare and flights within three months!’
‘I know it’s not practical. I’m just trying to think of how to fix things.’
‘We all are.’ Topaz looked at Matthew and smiled.
The doorbell rang, once, twice and a third time.
‘Who the hell…?’ Matthew jumped up and sprinted to the front door, relieved that Lilly hadn’t stirred.
‘Maaate!’ Jake shouted as he leant on the doorframe, his eyes glazed, hair mussed and shirt buttons undone to reveal his pale, hairless chest. He swayed a little as he held up the thin plastic strip off which hung four cans of Stella Artois. ‘Sunday night is brewski night!’ He staggered forward as if to enter the house, but Matthew raised his arm to block him.
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