“My father keeps saying I’m going to walk again, and I know I won’t. He doesn’t want to believe that,” she said, as the tears spilled onto her cheeks. She had a lot to face now, and all of it from a wheelchair, forever. It was overwhelming for a seventeen-year-old, or anyone, and Jessie respected her enormously for trying, and in some ways being more mature than her father.
“He loves you very much,” Jessie said quietly, trying to explain the agonies of parenthood to her in a few words, but Lily understood that herself.
“I know. You don’t think I’ll walk again, do you?” she asked Jessie, who couldn’t lie to her. She hadn’t yet, but she had avoided the obvious as much as possible, at the request of Lily’s father.
“No, I don’t. Unless the research they’re doing now changes something,” she said again. It was the best she could offer, and had been from the beginning, given the location and extent of Lily’s injury.
“Then why is my dad taking me to all those doctors all over the world?” She wasn’t looking forward to being poked and prodded by four more doctors. She trusted Jessie, even if her father didn’t, and she knew she was right. She had sensed it all along. Her legs were too dead to ever come alive again, no matter what her father said.
“Because he’s hoping that I’m wrong. I’m not sure I blame him. I’d probably do the same if it were one of my kids. It’s always good to get other opinions and learn something more.” She tried to be respectful of what Bill was doing, at least to his daughter, although as Lily’s physician and surgeon she would have preferred to see her go straight to Craig and start rehab, and not wear herself out traveling. But they were doing it in optimal conditions, so she had no serious medical objections, just philosophical ones. And she would have hated to see Lily cling to a hope that wasn’t real. But Jessie could tell now that she wasn’t, only Bill was, and he wasn’t Jessie’s patient. His refusal to face the truth was something he would have to deal with himself. Jessie knew that the doctors and physical therapists at Craig would do all they could for Lily. And sooner or later Bill Thomas would have to face the facts.
“I’m going to miss you,” Lily said in a small voice and wheeled her chair over to where Jessie was standing, to hug her. And then she choked on the next words: “Thank you for saving my life.” It was something Bill hadn’t been able to say to her. Jessie’s eyes filled with tears as she hugged her. So much had happened since she and Lily had met. It had been a life-altering time for her as well, with her husband’s death. They had both lost a lot in the last six weeks, and the benefits, if there were to be any, and the blessings weren’t obvious yet.
“Will you stay in touch?” Jessie asked her gently. She normally didn’t ask that, except medically, but Lily had come to mean a lot to her. She was a very special girl, Bill was right about that.
“I promise.”
Jessie was glad they had had the opportunity to talk without her father around, which was rare. He seldom left Lily alone in the hospital, and he intended to do the same once they got home. Jessie realized that ultimately his deep concern might become oppressive for Lily, but he was still getting over the shock of what had happened, and it would probably take him a long time, just as it would for her to get over losing Tim. Now, every time Chris drove somewhere, or every time her cell phone rang, she had her heart in her mouth. She knew it would be years before she trusted life again. The worst had happened, and now she was terrified for her kids. Just as Bill was about Lily. It was their burden to bear, and Jessie knew it wasn’t easy for their kids.
Lily’s departure from the hospital, six weeks after the accident, was emotional for everyone who had cared for her. Nurses came to say goodbye and give her little gifts. The resident kissed her goodbye, Ben wished her good luck when he joined Jessie to see her off. Lily hugged Jessie hard and thanked her again, and there were tears in many eyes, as Lily waved from the window as the limousine drove away to take them to Reno. They were flying to London for their first consultation on the list of four. Bill had wanted to schedule one in Germany as well, but after reviewing her records, the doctor had refused and said he would be wasting their time.
Lily’s wheelchair was in the trunk of the car, and Jennifer, the nurse Bill had hired, was with them, excited about the trip. She was twenty-seven years old and had never been to Europe or the East before. She had gone to nursing school at USF, and then returned to Lake Tahoe, where she had grown up. This was a big adventure for her, and she and Lily chatted while Bill talked on his BlackBerry. He had let his business slide in the last month and a half and was paying closer attention to it again.
Jennifer gasped when she saw the plane that was waiting for them in Reno. It was a Boeing Business Jet, and incredibly luxurious once they stepped inside. Bill carried Lily easily onto the plane and set her down in one of the large, comfortable seats. There was a living room, a dining area, and two bedrooms, which Bill had wanted so they could rest. They were expected to be in London in ten hours, which was seven A.M. local time. Their consultation with the chief neurosurgeon at King’s College Hospital was set for the following morning. And he had booked two suites for them at Claridge’s. He had high hopes for the meeting, and was even willing to stay in London, if the doctor suggested treatment there for her.
Lily watched two movies, and then Jennifer helped her settle into one of the bedrooms. The bathroom was difficult for her to negotiate with the wheelchair, and Bill had to carry her in and out and lay her gently down on the bed afterward. Lily slept for the rest of the trip, she still tired easily, and Jennifer took her vital signs, but she was fine, and did well on the flight.
They were whisked through customs and immigration at Heath-row, and Jennifer pushed Lily’s chair. A Bentley was waiting to take them to Claridge’s, and their accommodations were comfortable and elegant. Lily was dying to get out, but her father wanted her to rest. She called Veronica, but she was out training on the slopes, and her phone was on voicemail, so Lily sent her a text and said she couldn’t wait to see her. They were due back in Denver in ten days, depending on how things went on their medical tour.
They spent the day in the suite, resting and watching movies on TV. And the next morning, after breakfast in Lily’s suite, they went to King’s College Hospital, to meet with the first doctor her father had lined up. He looked old and serious as he examined Lily. He had already studied all of her records, and could have given them the prognosis without seeing her, but Bill had insisted on a consultation in person, and to have Lily seen by the experts. After the examination, Lily went to the waiting room to sit with Jennifer, while her father conferred with the doctor. Lily wanted to stay in the room, but her father preferred to talk to him alone. The doctor was somber and to the point.
“I’m very sorry, Mr. Thomas, but I concur entirely with the neurosurgeon who operated on your daughter. With a T10 complete spinal injury, she will not regain use of her legs. It’s medically impossible. I don’t want to hold out false hopes to you or Lily. She needs to focus on rehabilitation now and getting on with her life. Many great people have conducted productive lives as paraplegics and from wheelchairs. Your president Franklin Roosevelt was one of them. I think that’s important to stress to Lily now, rather than fostering false hopes that can only disappoint her.”
Bill was crushed and angry again at what he said. He thought he was old-fashioned and a defeatist, and Jessie had obviously influenced him with whatever she put in her report. He looked annoyed when he came out of the doctor’s office, and Lily said nothing. She had understood the doctor’s opinion of the situation from the questions he asked her, which were the same as Jessie’s in the past six weeks. Lily had no illusions now after talking to her. Only her father did. She asked if they could go to Harrods to do some shopping, since they had time before they left for Switzerland the next day. And she had been to Harrods before, and liked shopping there.
Her father dropped her off with Jennifer and said he’d wait in the car. He had some calls to make
to New York. But Lily wasn’t prepared for how difficult it would be to shop from the chair. She was jostled by the crowds, and had people’s elbows and purses in her face. Salespeople spoke to Jennifer and not to her, and ignored her even when she asked them direct questions. She couldn’t try anything on—it would have been too complicated. It was frightening and upsetting and a taste of what life would be like now. It was the first time she had gone out in the world in her wheelchair, and Jennifer could see how upset she was when they went back to the limousine. Lily was near tears, and her father looked surprised at how rapidly they emerged. Lily had felt claustrophobic in the crowds and returned to the car empty-handed.
“Well, that’s a first,” her father said, smiling at her. “You didn’t buy anything?” She usually liked to shop, like other girls her age, and she and Veronica often went shopping when they had a day off from the team.
“I didn’t see anything I liked,” Lily said quietly, and asked to go back to the hotel, and Bill seemed surprised.
“Do you want to go out to lunch?” She shook her head.
All she wanted to do was disappear. Her first venture into the world at Harrods had been a disaster, and had brought the realities of her future home to her with the force of a wrecking ball.
They went back to Claridge’s and ordered room service, and Bill could see how unhappy she was, although he didn’t fully understand why. He hadn’t seen how difficult it had been for her at Harrods, and Jennifer was intimidated by him, so she didn’t say anything. She left Lily alone with her father and had lunch in her room. She didn’t want to intrude on them. Jessie had made an excellent choice in picking Jennifer for the trip. She was a good nurse, and very discreet. And Lily liked her.
“Baby, it’s going to be all right,” her father said soothingly as they waited for lunch in her suite. He had sensed that her attempt at shopping had not gone well. “You’re not going to be in that chair forever, and you can go shopping all you want when you get back on your feet.” He meant well, but what he said made it even harder for her. She felt like Alice in Wonderland in the dream, or Dorothy in The Wizard of Oz.
“Stop it!” she shouted at him, which stunned him. “Stop acting like I’m going to walk again! I know I won’t. You’re the only one who thinks I will,” she said and broke into a sob, crying inconsolably, as he tried to comfort her, to no avail.
“Sometimes it only takes one relentless person who believes,” he said to her. “I’ll never give up, Lily. I’ll do whatever I have to, to get you walking again.” He believed it, but Lily no longer did.
“You can’t,” she said, still crying. “My spinal cord is severed, Daddy. My legs will never walk again. I’m going to be in this stupid chair forever. Why can’t you understand it and accept it? I don’t want to go to all these doctors. They’re all going to say the same thing.”
“Until we find one who doesn’t,” he said quietly. “That’s the one we’re looking for.” He was looking for the holy grail. It sounded crazy and unreasonable to her.
“I want to go home,” she said miserably.
“We will. Just give me another week, and then we’ll go back to Denver.” But once they did, she would be in rehab for several months, and he hated that idea. But Jessie had insisted on it, and he’d agreed. All the arrangements had been made. They were waiting for her at the rehab hospital, where she was being admitted the morning after they got home. Lily was dreading it too. It sounded like prison to her, with everyone in wheelchairs, and probably no one her age. She missed her friends. Six weeks in the hospital in Squaw Valley had been enough, too much in fact. She just wanted to go home.
When their lunch arrived, Lily only picked at it, and afterward Jennifer distracted her by playing cards with her for several hours, and then they watched a movie on the TV in the suite. It was a long, boring day, and Lily was sad when she went to bed that night. Bill had gone to bed early too. He didn’t want to tell her, but he was depressed by what the British doctor had said. It was just more of the same and not worth the trip. He was determined to hear better news at their next stops.
The neurosurgeon in Switzerland said exactly the same thing. His examination was cursory, and his opinion had been formed before they got there, based on all Jessie’s reports and tests. Like the doctor in London, he couldn’t understand why they’d come. They were out of his office in less than an hour, and although they had two of the best suites reserved at the beautiful Hotel Baur au Lac, Bill decided to leave for New York that night, and had Angie move up their appointment in New York. She made it for the following afternoon. Bill was beginning to think they would do better with doctors in the States. They were too traditional and old-fashioned in Europe, and had nothing innovative to offer. He had high hopes for their meeting in New York, and the one in Boston. They had come up with nothing encouraging here.
He told Jennifer and Lily they were leaving that night, and after an early dinner in the suite, they left for the airport, and took off for New York, and landed at midnight local time in New York. The time difference was in their favor, so they gained six hours and were at the Carlyle in half an hour. Lily had slept for most of the flight, and she and Jennifer ordered dinner from room service and played cards when they arrived. Lily and the young nurse got along very well. Jennifer made everything easier for Lily and was good at distracting her with cards, games, fashion, or gossip magazines. She had made the trip much happier for her, and provided female companionship as they flew from city to city.
Later, Lily texted Veronica in Denver, to tell her they were in New York. Veronica texted her back right away. She was at a party with lots of cute boys, and she couldn’t wait for Lily to come home. Lily couldn’t wait either. It had been the longest, hardest two months of her life. And she missed her home, her old life, and all her friends, and told Jennifer how happy she’d be to see them again.
Chapter 8
THE APARTMENT WAS dark, as Joe Henry sat at his handsome English partner’s desk in the library of his home. He had lived in the same apartment in New York with his wife Karen for the past fifteen years, ever since their sons grew up and they had sold their townhouse on East 81st Street. And for the past six months, Joe had been alone. Life never turned out the way one had expected. The years of empty nest had taken a toll on Karen and their marriage. She had been lost without their boys, both of whom were now in their thirties. One lived in Atlanta, the other in Cleveland, and both worked for large corporations, were married, and had children of their own.
Karen had gotten into Eastern religions in order to fill the void in her life, while Joe continued to work on Wall Street and spend too little time at home. And once the boys left for college, he had spent even less time with her. He understood that now, but hadn’t before. He had used their children being gone as an opportunity to work harder and expand his business. He had taken on a partner, with disastrous results, while Karen began taking trips to India and spent first weeks and then months at an ashram. She had found a guru whom she followed devotedly, and had less and less and less in common with Joe. Then she had taken a film class at NYU, and had begun making documentaries to help expand the work and exposure of her guru, and by then she was traveling to Tibet and Nepal, and for the last ten years she had rarely been at home.
His business, a hedge fund, had expanded exponentially with his new partner. New clients had been added, they were handling larger investments than Joe ever had before, and then the roof fell in. His partner had invested badly, in ways that Joe knew nothing about, and concealed it from him. For months Joe had worried about being prosecuted, and narrowly escaped federal charges. His partner hadn’t been as lucky, and had been convicted of embezzlement and wire fraud. They had lost a fortune for their clients, but the FBI had realized that Joe was innocent. He had been gullible and naïve and trusted a man who was a brilliant sociopathic con.
They had settled countless civil lawsuits before his partner went to prison, and now whatever savings Joe had had were wiped
out, his reputation shot forever, his career ended in disgrace. Karen had decided it was the opportune moment to move to Nepal. She had left six months before, after filing for divorce. All Joe had left was a small nest egg he was just barely able to live on, and he was planning to sell the apartment. He had virtually nothing to leave to his sons, and Karen had wanted nothing from him when she left, not even the photographs that were evidence of their history and long marriage. According to Karen, she had been resurrected and reborn into a new life and wanted nothing from her past. She didn’t even maintain contact with their sons. Joe thought she had gone a little crazy, but unlike him, she was happy, so who was he to say she was wrong? He hardly recognized her when he saw her before she left. She had a long mane of snowy white hair, which had been prematurely white since her twenties, and she’d been wearing a simple orange robe, like a Buddhist nun. She looked incredibly peaceful, and she had told him she was planning to make more documentary films about her guru. She had become a person he couldn’t relate to and no longer knew.
Since the previous August, Joe had been alone in the apartment. His business was closed, his debts had been settled, his partner was in prison, his wife was gone. And at fifty-eight, he knew there was no way he could rebuild any of it. His long-respected career in finance had ended in shambles, and he hadn’t had the courage to face or even contact his friends in nearly two years, since his partner’s crimes had been exposed, and his own gullibility and foolishness. He was just grateful he hadn’t wound up in prison with him. And it was inconceivable to him to find another woman, or even want to, or explain why his wife had preferred to become a Buddhist nun rather than stay with him. His partner had been dishonest, and his wife crazy with some sort of midlife crisis, after years of lack of attention from him, but whatever the reasons or the excuses, life as he had known it was over, and there was nothing left for him to look forward to. He would be remembered as a fool if not a crook, like his partner.
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