“You’re so big, Colton…” I say, then have to stifle a giggle, realizing how that came out. I said it breathily, and it sounded like something from a p**n o. But it’s true. He’s huge, stretching me.
“Is it okay? I’m not hurting you?”
I shake my head. “It’s perfect. ”
I feel the pressure building, a volcanic heat inside me. He slides out and out, and then he’s poised with the tip inside me, hesitating a heartbeat, then plunges in slowly and I cry out, a breathless shriek. Another slow slide out, and then back in, his finger pulsing inside me, slightly in and out, pushing the pressure to a head, lightning building and crackling in my blood, in my muscles. He hesitates at my entrance again, his tip nestled in my folds, and this time when he thrusts in, it’s faster, almost rough.
“Yes, god yes, Colton. Like that. ”
He pulls out and pistons deep, hard. “Like that?”
“Yeah…” I gasp.
Again, hard, deep, so deep. “You like it hard?” A rough rhythm now, deep and fast.
“Yes, Colton…I like it hard. ”
“Oh my f**king god, Nell. ” He bends over me, buried deep, rests his head against my spine. “How are you so f**king incredible?”
I have no way to answer that, and I don’t have a chance to anyway, because he’s pounding into me again. I whimper at each thrust, push into him when he slides deep. There’s no thought but this moment, no memory but the previous thrust, no one in the world but Colton. The pressure of impending orgasm is a thundering presence inside me, and I know when it comes, it will be an inundating weight crashing through me.
Then he slows and shallows his thrusts, sliding halfway in, moving in a sinuous rhythm. Oh shit, that’s intense. Even more intense than having it rough, in a way. He’s hitting inside me in way that strikes a chord, makes me thrum. The edge is near, my climax hovering close. He moves his finger a little deeper, wiggles it in and out, and then abruptly pounds deep, hard, and I break apart. I scream, shove my ass back into his thrusts, coming and coming and coming.
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Then I’m moving, I’ve lost his presence within me, I’m on my back and about to beg him to be inside me again, but he’s there, sliding in gently, and I sigh in relief to have him back where he belongs.
“Nell, look at me. ” His voice snaps my eyes open, and his gaze is intense, vivid blue, rapturous in the way he’s gazing at me with such open adoration.
“Hi,” I say.
“Hi. ” He says back. His hands lift me by the shoulders until I’m upright and sitting on his knees, somewhat awkwardly. “Wrap your legs around my waist. ”
He’s cross-legged, sitting upright, holding me, and I curl my heels around his hips. The shift in position effects an immediate difference. He’s…deep. So far inside me it’s unreal. I gasp, and then I can’t even do that, my mouth locked wide in a silent scream as I sink down around him.
“Oh god, oh shit,” he says. “You’re so f**king tight. Have I said that yet?”
“You—you may have,” I gasp. “I’m glad I’m tight for you. ”
“Move for me. Lift yourself up and down. Make yourself come. ” His voice caresses me, his eyes lock on mine.
I obey, of course I do. I push down with my heels, lift with my thighs, grip his shoulders with my hands and lift. I hover with him barely inside, then, eyes wide and mouth gaping, I lower myself as slowly as I can. I lift again and his hands slide under my ass, lift me, lower me. My rhythm increases until I’m frantic, climax building to a peak.
He senses it, sees it. “Come for me. ”
Oh, I do. So hard.
He’s holding back, I think.
“Your turn,” I say. “I want you to come now. ”
He growls, tips us so I’m on my back and now he’s above me and now, now it’s perfect. This is perfect heaven, happiness like I’ve never known before and I feel no guilt or pain or shame or anything but Colton’s body pressed against mine, his mouth pressing fiery kisses to my breast, taking a nipple in his mouth and rolling it, his c**k drilling deep…
I lock my legs around him and my hands on the back of his head, pulling him against my breast. He rolls into me slowly at first, almost lazily. His mouth moves from one breast to the other, his hands flat on the bed next to my head. I turn my face to the side and kiss his iron forearm, then stretch my mouth wide in a soft gasp as he increases his pace, biting my nipple hard enough to twinge.
I didn’t think it was possible, but I’m nearing climax again, and I don’t think I can take another one, not when they keep getting more intense. If that keeps up I’ll be ripped in half by this one, and yeah, it’s on me, now, so close. He’s bucking hard, now, plunging madly, his weight a heavy pressure on me, his chest sliding against mine, his mouth at my ear.
He’s whispering my name over and over again, chanting it as he rocks into me. One of my hands is tangled in the hair at the back of his head, the other is scratching down his back to clutch his tensing bu**ocks, pulling him against me.
His voice huffs in my ear, a gasped whisper. “Oh god…I’m coming, Nell. Come with me. Come with me, baby. ”
His head lifts and our eyes lock.
“Yes…yes…now,” I say. “Give it all to me, right now. ”
This drives him wild, and he crashes into me, rough and hard and uncontrolled. It’s the most incredible thing I’ve ever experienced, this primal force of a man lost in the throes of ecstasy, crashing into me. He pounds furiously, driving deep, and I dig my fingers into his flesh and his hair, jerk him harder with my legs, feeling my own climax wash over me.
His rhythm falters, stutters, and then he’s flexed, every muscle taut as bowstring, buried deep. He pulls back slowly, drawing himself out, and then crashes deep, a second time, a third, and then he goes limp on top of me, his huge weight crushing me wonderfully.
I stroke his back in slow, soothing circles, kiss his shoulder, the shell of his ear, his temple. I smooth my hands down his spine, caress his ass, then trace up his sides, memorizing the feel of his muscles, the way his body feels on mine.
He shifts. “I must be crushing you. ”
I hold him in place. “No, don’t move. I like it. You’re fine. I love feeling you like this. ”
His face is nuzzled into the hollow of my neck and chin, his breathing slow and steady. I’ve never, ever felt such complete contentment as in this moment. I’m sated, I’m happy. I’m throbbing and tingling all over, flushed with ecstasy, overwhelmed and full in my heart, mind, body and soul.
And then it hits me. We’ve both been using the phrase “I love this,” or “I love it when you…” and that’s a socially acceptable phrase for something you really enjoy. But…the truth is, I think we both mean it in the deeper sense. I know I do.
I wouldn’t change this moment for anything. And I certainly would never give up having this with Colton. I want to experience this again and again, as much as possible. I feel closer to Colton in this moment than I have anyone before. This thought brings up a wave of guilt, but I push it away.
“What are you thinking, Nelly-baby?” Colton rolls with me, and now I’m lying nearly on top of him.
I throw my thigh over his leg and roam his torso with a hand, my hair spread beneath me and over his chest. “I’m thinking this is the best moment of my life. Honestly. I feel closer to you right now than anyone…ever. I’m thinking…I want to experience moments like this with you forever. ” I suck in a deep breath and let it out, then take the plunge. “I’m struggling with feeling guilty over that, because of everything we talked about regarding your brother, but—it’s just the truth. I’m closer to you now than I ever was him. I don’t know why that is. It hurts, it’s confusing. I know I loved him. I did. But…somehow I’m just—things with you and me are just…more. I don’t know. ”
He strokes my hair, smoothes it over my head. “I get it. I feel the same way. I know I loved Indi
a. But this with you? It’s like…so much more it’s almost a completely different kind of thing. ”
I shift and tilt my head so I’m looking into his eyes. “I’m falling in love with you, Colton. I don’t know if it’s too soon to say that to you, but…it’s true. It’s scary, because I don’t know if everybody is going to understand, but I don’t care right now. I just have to say it to you, because—just because. ”
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He draws me up to him and kisses me, his palm huge against my cheek. I feel so tiny against him, like I could curl up against him and disappear.
“It’s not too soon. I was gonna say the same thing, but you beat me to it. ”
I smile. “Say it anyway. Please?”
He takes a deep breath and lets it out, examining my face almost idly, obviously composing his thoughts.
“I’m not just falling in love with you, Nell. I’m falling into you. You’re an ocean, and I’m falling in, drowning in the depths of who you are. Like you said, it’s scary in a way, but it’s also the most amazing thing I’ve ever experienced. You are the most amazing thing I’ve ever experienced. ”
For the first time since Kyle died, I find myself crying happy tears. I’d forgotten what those were.
Chapter 12: Feel You Bare
I wake to guitar chords and Colton’s voice. It’s faint, filtering to me from far away. He’s on the roof. I wipe the sleep and the tangled curls from my eyes, swing my legs out of his bed—our bed?—and slip on a clean T-shirt from a laundry basket on the floor. It’s still dark out, but as I climb the creaking stairs to the roof, guitar in hand, I see slices of gray on the horizon between high-rises and apartment blocks. An hour or two before dawn, then.
Colton is in his chair, wearing loose track pants and a ripped and ragged gray Champion hoodie, the hood drawn down over his brows, a tangle of black hair sweeping across his brow. His legs are kicked up, bare heels propped on the ledge. His eyes are closed, guitar on his belly, fingers picking a slow, sweet tune that reminds me of something by City & Colour, but isn’t. He’s singing softly, his face twisting and brows knotting as he hits high notes, his expressions communicating the intensity of his feelings as he sings. A mug of coffee sits on the floor next him, within reach, steaming, and a huge thermos is also nearby so he can refill it. I sit on the ledge, feet on the stairs, watching, listening. I can’t quite follow the words he’s singing, since he’s kind of mumbling and singing softly. Every once in a while, he stops, backs up a few chords and adjusts the melody or phrasing.
He’s writing a song, I realize.
He reaches the end of the song and reaches down for his coffee, noticing me in the process. “Oh, hey. Hope I didn’t wake you up. ”
I shrug and move across the roof to sit on the loveseat. “You did, but it’s fine. I like waking up to your voice. ” God, that sounded so sappy, but I don’t care, especially when I see how Colton’s eyes light up. “What are you doing up so early?” I ask.
He passes me the mug of coffee, and I sip it as he answers. “I woke up with this song in my head. I had to write it, get it out, you know?”
“It’s beautiful, from what I heard,” I say, truthfully.
“It’s not done yet, but thanks. ”
“What’s it about?”
He strums the strings with his thumb. “You. Us. It came from something I said to you last night. ”
“Play it for me?”
He grins and shakes his head. “Nuh-uh. Not till it’s done. We’ve got a gig on Thursday. I’ll play it for you then. ”
I pretend to pout, and Colton only laughs. We share coffee and watch the sun come up between the buildings, working on the songs we’re performing.
I’m happy, and I refuse to let anything spoil that, not even the ever-present guilt, and the fact that I still miss Kyle.
I realize I’ll always miss Kyle, and a part of me will always feel guilty just for being alive when he isn’t, and that’s something I’ll just have to live with.
* * *
It’s Thursday and my nerves are at an all-time high. I’ve got three solo numbers this week, plus Colton is debuting his new song. We get through the requisite duet covers of Mumford & Sons, The Civil Wars, Rosi Golan and such. I do my solo numbers, “Let It Be Me” by Ray LaMontagne, and my covers of the Ella and Billie songs, which have become a kind of crowd favorite in the weeks that I’ve been playing with Colton.
And then, immediately after our break, Colton clears his throat into the mic and strums, adjusting his tuning. It’s his way of getting the crowd’s attention.
“Okay, so I’ve got this new song,” he says. “It’s a Colt original. Anyone want to hear it?”
I yell “yes!” into the microphone, then back away and clap with everyone else. He smiles at me, since he knows I want to hear it. I’ve only pestered him to give me sneak peek every single day since the rooftop sunrise jam session.
“Guess I’ll play it, then. ” He takes a deep breath and lets it out. “So, yeah. This is called “Falling Into You” and it’s about Nell, here. It is kind of a love-song, but don’t tell anyone. I’ve got a reputation as a badass to uphold after all. ” The crowd laughs and cheers, encouraging him.
He starts the melody on his guitar, a complicated arrangement of picking and strumming. The tune is more complex, now, but I recognize the underlying theme from what I heard on the roof. Then he sings, and he locks eyes with me, and I realize he’s singing this to me, only to me. We might be in front of a crowd of a hundred or so people, but we’re completely alone.
“All my life it seems
I’ve been falling,
Failing,
Flailing,
Barely keeping my head above water.
And then one day
I saw you
Standing beneath a spreading tree,
Refusing to weep.
But even then I saw
The weight of pain hiding in your eyes,
And I wished then,
There beneath that tree,
To take it all away.
But I had no words to heal you.
I had no words to heal myself.
And now that Fate has intervened,
Conspired to draw us together,
Despite the years between us,
Despite the weight of pain
Behind both our eyes,
Despite the ghosts trailing all around us
Like a fog of haunting souls,
I’m still trying to find the words to heal you,
To take your pain and make it all my own
So your beautiful eyes can smile,
So you can be at peace.
And now that Fate has intervened,
Conspired to draw us together,
I can’t resist the lure of your eyes,
The temptation of your beauty,
The siren song of your voice
Whispering my name
In the dark comfort between my sheets.
I can’t resist you, baby,
Because I’m falling still,
I’m falling into you. ”
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By the time he finishes the song, I’m in tears. Good tears, again. The happy, sappy kind. I completely forget that we’re onstage. I leap off my stool and crush myself between his legs, his guitar hard between us, and kiss him deeply. He tangles his hand in my hair at my nape, kissing me back until the crowd begins to catcall and cheer, drawing us back to the present.
“I take it you liked it?” Colton asks, whispering in my ear.
I can only nod and try to compose myself so we can do the next number together without losing it.
* * *
We’re standing on the stoop of my apartment building, my arms around his neck. I’m on the second step, he’s on the ground, so I’m eye to eye with him, nibbling on his earlobe as he tries
to convince me to just come back to his place with him instead of staying here.
“Colton…this is my apartment, my home. I’m paying rent, a lot of rent, so I have to get some use out of it. You can come up with me, though. ”
“I have work in the morning. The guys are showing up at seven to finish the Hemi we’re rebuilding. ”
“And I have class at eight. We’ll just wake up early. ” I frown, realizing he’s doing the thing where he avoids something that makes him uncomfortable but doesn’t want to let on. “What’s the real deal, here, Colton? Why don’t you want to stay at my place?”
He shrugs, but then meets my eyes. “It’s just one of those things. After being homeless for as long as I was, it’s hard for me to sleep anywhere but my place. I don’t know how to explain it. I just…I like being at home. It’s not that I don’t like your place, or whatever. I just prefer mine. ”
“Can you try? For me? I want you in my bed. ” I never really thought about it until now, but almost all of the time we’ve spent together has been at his place, or out.
“You want me in your bed, huh?” He grins at me salaciously.
I pull him closer against me. “Yes. And I mean that in every sense of the phrase. ”
“In that case, I might be able to try. For you. ” He slides his palms down my back to crush my body against his, gripping my ass and lifting me.
I bite his neck and then whisper in his ear. “It’ll be worth it, I promise. ”
“I know it will be. Any time spent with you, anywhere, is worth it. Even if we don’t do anything but sleep, it’s worth it. ”
I unlock the door and lead him up the stairs, moving backward. “We’ll be doing a lot more than sleeping. ”
“Oh yeah? Like what?” His voice is deep and dark and full of promise.
“It might involve my mouth, and certain parts of your anatomy. ”
“I could get into that. ”
“You could get into me. ”
He doesn’t grin, but his eyes are smiling. “Oh, I’ll get into you. I think I’ll bend you over the couch and take you from behind. ”
“Is that so?” I ask.
“It is. ”
We’re at my door. I twist the key in the lock and pull him after me into the darkened apartment. I don’t have time to bother with lights. He’s got the door locked again and he’s tugging my shirt over my head, pushing my jeans and panties down, and then he’s somehow naked, like instantly, and then his mouth is on mine, glorious and soft and demanding.
His hands are everywhere, on my br**sts, in my hair, stroking my folds, caressing my ass, brushing a thumb across my cheek and sweeping hair away from my mouth. I gasp as his fingers probe into my core and circle my clit, noticing distantly as he rips a condom open with his teeth and slides it on himself one-handed, spitting the wrapper onto the floor.
“Ready?” he asks, his voice a rough demand.
“Take me,” I whisper. “However you want. ”
I’m spun in place, and my breath catches, my heart hammering. Oh…shit. He wasn’t kidding. He’s moved us so I’m facing the arm of my couch from the side and he’s pushing me forward gently. His hands slide over my shoulders and twine our fingers, showing me how to brace my weight on the cushion. His toes nudge my feet apart, and I comply until I’m standing with my legs spread wide, bent over at the waist, ass high.
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