Within These Walls: Series Box Set

by Tracey Ward

  “Are you being a jerk right now so I won’t want to?”

  I turn my head and glare at him. He watches me passively and it pisses me off more than anything else.

  “I’m being a jerk because that’s what I am. I don’t play well with others, okay? I don’t want other people in my life just so they can disappear. I’m tired of finding things just so I can lose them. Like my home and everything in it. I’m losing all of that tomorrow because of you, do you get that? You’ve cost me everything. My home, my safety. And all for what? Revenge you didn’t even get. Against an animal!”

  He looks at me with his large brown eyes and I see the regret in them. The sadness. The pity.

  “I’m sorry,” he says earnestly. “You have no idea how sorry I am.”

  Tears sting my eyes. I can’t stand it. I leap up, grabbing my sleeping bag.

  “You already said that. It didn’t change anything then and it certainly doesn’t change anything now. I’m going to the roof to get some sleep and in the morning when I come back down I expect you to be gone. Take what you want with you, I can’t carry all of it out and it will save you and your boys some trouble later when you loot the place.”

  I turn to leave. I hear him hurriedly stand up behind me.

  “Joss, wait.”

  “Stop saying my name!” I cry, my voice cracking.

  I hate myself for it. For being weak, for being cruel, for being so, so, so angry. Angrier than I ever realized I was but with him here now I can feel it. I can nearly taste it. I take a deep shuddering breath, willing the tears back. I haven’t cried in years and I can’t start now. I’ll be like an addict taking a hit of heroine for the first time in a decade. I’ll never be able to stop.

  When I speak, I will my voice to be even and calm. “Just go, please. It’s almost dawn. You’ll be alright. Take a weapon with you. Or two or five, whatever. Take anything, but please just go.”

  “I’ll go,” he answers, his voice deep and low. “I’m leaving.”

  I nod. “Good. That’s good.”

  “Just promise me something. One thing.”

  “What?”

  “Don’t leave. Please trust me when I tell you that I won’t ever tell anyone you’re here. I’ll never tell anyone about you at all. Just don’t go. I can’t stand the thought of you having to start over.”

  I don’t respond. I don’t have words, not any which are true. So I duck my head down, feel the angry heat of a single tear on my cheek and I climb the stairs to the roof.

  I don’t sleep. I also don’t hear him leave but I know he’s gone. He’s quiet as a mouse, quieter even than me, and it’s no surprise that he could slip out without being heard. My world slips back into place, back into the gray numb of pure survival that it’s been in for the last however many years. Maybe all of them. Maybe since Christmas and my Cabbage Patch Doll. Since the end of everything.

  When dawn comes I creep back into the loft but it’s not my home anymore. Mentally I’ve already moved out. I’m trying to decide where I’m going to go, which part of town I should try to find shelter in or if I should cut my loses and finally take the plunge and move into the woods. That’s when I see the writing on the wall.

  7th/Boren

  red brick

  I know urs, u know mine

  don’t go

  “Oh my God,” I breathe, my hand against my mouth.

  He’s given me his address. It’s his toothbrush, his underwear, the key to his diary all wrapped up into one. If his crew knew about this they would beat him down and throw him out on the streets. This is a dangerous thing he’s done. I search the room, looking for a rag to wipe it clean with. I can’t leave it here. Anyone who finds it will know right where they live. I can’t believe he left this!

  I see the red brick lying on the ground beside the gray cement wall. This is what he wrote it with. He used the edge like chalk. I grab the brick and prepare to scrape the words out, to draw over them until they are unrecognizable. But I freeze, my hand holding the stone hovering over his writing.

  I know urs, u know mine

  He gave up all he could to try and make us square. To try and make me stay.

  I look around the room to do a quick inventory. It’s all here. Everything. Even the tire iron he used to fight with last night. He didn’t take anything to help him get home and that realization makes my gut clench with guilt. I’m worried he might not have made it home last night. I’m sure he left immediately after I asked him to which means he left in the dark. In an unfamiliar neighborhood. With only a knife and a huge gaping wound on his hand.

  “Son of a—“

  I drop the brick and grab my coat, throwing it on as I pocket my ASP and sheath my knife on my hip. I quickly whip open the door and blindly run into the hall.

  I should have looked both ways.

  I immediately trip and fall flat on my face.

  “Owwww,” I groan, clutching my elbow.

  “Are you alright?” Ryan asks, reaching out for me.

  I roll away from him onto my back and clutch my arm to me, riding out the crazy weird tingles and shocks passing through it.

  “I hit my funny bone and it wasn’t funny,” I moan. I kick my foot at him and catch him in the hip.

  “Ah, what!?” he cries, scooting away. He grabs hold of my foot as it comes back for more.

  “You tripped me! Can you even function without screwing with my life?”

  “Actually, you stepped on me and fell. I’m more the victim here than you are.”

  I kick vainly at him again. “Why are you lying on the floor in my hallway?”

  “Because I couldn’t lock the door.”

  I lift my head up and stare at him. “What?”

  “Your door, it only locks from the inside. I went to leave and realized I’d be leaving you defenseless but you wanted me gone so I camped out here. I was going to go once I heard you moving around inside, but I fell asleep.” He picks up a chunk of rotted out carpet and chucks it at me. “Then you stepped on me and started kicking me. So, you know, you’re welcome.”

  I sit up, still cradling my angry arm. “Is that really your address? That’s where your gang lives.”

  “No, I lied for the hell of it. Yes, it’s where we live.”

  “Why would you do that?” I ask incredulously. “That is so dangerous to put that out there like that. And not just for you, for all of them.”

  “I know. That’s why I told you. I knew you’d understand.”

  “Understand what? That you can’t be trusted?”

  He frowns. “Wait, what?”

  “They trust you to keep that information on lock and you go writing it on walls in random rooms across town? You knowing where I live, that’s one thing. But putting it out for the world where your entire crew lives, that’s crazy. And reckless. And so stupid.”

  “You’re missing the point. We’re square. Now you don’t have to move.”

  “No, I still have to move. But thanks, now I know what part of town to stay away from.”

  “No, you don’t move. That’s why—How are you not getting this?!”

  “Oh, I get it. You make terrible decisions. That’s what I’m getting.”

  He pauses then puts his hand up, silencing me. “Hold up. Where were you going in such a hurry?”

  “What?”

  “You. You came slamming out of the apartment without even glancing in the hall or you would have seen me laying here. Where were you going in such a hurry?”

  I don’t answer but I don’t look away either. I hold his stare, keeping my face impassive.

  He grins. “You were going after me, weren’t you?”

  “I was coming to look for your corpse.”

  His grin becomes a smile. “You were worried about me.”

  “No. Kind of. You didn’t arm yourself before you left and I didn’t want that on my head so, yes, I was going to look for you to make sure you were alright.”

  “That’s nice of you.”
/>
  I roll my eyes and look down the long ugly hallway. Anywhere but at him.

  “I’m not a complete jerk,” I mumble.

  “I shouldn’t have said that.”

  “Well, you did.”

  “I know and I wish I hadn’t.”

  I shake my head. “We need to stop wishing for things.”

  “How ‘bout we start doing things instead.” He stands and offers me his hand. “Walk with me. I’ll show you where I live.”

  Chapter Six

  The rain has left the world looking shiny and bright. When we hit the sidewalk outside my building I’m pleasantly surprised to find no evidence of the zombies we killed out here last night. Since no more showed up later on I’m assuming the rain took care of Ryan’s blood too. Everything is as it should be, aside from the eight corpses now rotting in a nearby room inside. But that actually works to my advantage. They’ll mask my scent and keep zombies and animals both away. Animals don’t like the dead when they’re walking and they certainly don’t like them when they’re rotting for the last time. If it weren’t for Ryan knowing about me I could stay here.

  I’m not crazy and I’m not so stubborn that I can’t entertain the idea that he’s on the up and up. He may very well be able to keep me a secret no matter what happens with him and his crew. But it’s a big question mark and one too dangerous to gamble on. I want to stay, I really do, and honestly I want to trust him. But I don’t. I can’t.

  “You should get a rain system started,” he whispers, poking his head around a building to scan the road.

  “I’ve got one.”

  “The bucket?”

  I shrug. “Among other things.”

  “In other places?” he asks, looking at me sideways. I return his stare but I don’t answer. Eventually he nods. “It’s smart. It’s better than going to the holes.”

  “I never go to the holes.”

  “Good.”

  I frown at him. “Why do you care?”

  He chuckles as he shakes his head.

  “What?” I ask, annoyed at being laughed at.

  “It’s a weird question.”

  “No it’s not. It’s a good one. Why are you so concerned with me and how I manage?”

  “Because I’m a human being.”

  “I’m human and I don’t care how you survive.”

  “Really? Is that why you ran out of your apartment after me this morning?”

  He has me there. I don’t feel like talking or thinking about that so I look away, scanning the crumbling buildings around us. There’s no movement. No animals or otherwise. I remember enough about life before to know it should be weird but these days it’s really not. There’s not enough of us out here, dead or alive, to make a lot of noise.

  “I just…” He hesitates, running his hand over his face once. “Don’t get mad, but you’re a girl. There aren’t many women left around here and even fewer young, pretty ones. I worry what will happen if the wrong person sees you.”

  “I make it a point not to be seen.”

  “I see you.”

  I hold his eyes, seeing how golden they are in the morning light. How warm.

  “I made a mistake,” I whisper.

  “By helping me?” He doesn’t sound hurt. Only curious.

  I shake my head and shrug, looking away. I don’t know. I don’t regret helping him even with what it has cost me. I don’t regret letting him into my home and letting him fill the empty space. I don’t regret showing him the movie and the music. But most importantly I don’t regret telling him to go.

  “Promise not to get mad again?”

  I laugh. “No.”

  “Okay. I’ll say it anyway. Come with me.”

  I take a deep breath, knowing where this is going. It’s going where it always goes when people find me, the lost little lamb out in the wild all alone. They want to save me. Years ago I would go with them. I would let them help me and I would watch them die and I would be alone all over again.

  “I am coming with you. You’re showing me your home,” I say, dodging the request.

  “You know what I mean. Come with me permanently. Stay with the gang. You’ll be safer.”

  I snort a laugh. “Yeah right. You just said I’m at risk with all the men out here. Now you want me to move in with a mob of them. No thank you.”

  “I can keep you safe there.”

  “How? By claiming me? Making me yours and keeping me in your bed so I don’t wind up pushed into someone else’s? Or worse, passed around like a toy?”

  He doesn’t answer right away and I feel my blood boil.

  “It wouldn’t be like that. That’s not what I’m suggesting,” he finally says calmly. “I would never—I’d never be a threat to you. I’d make sure no one else was either.”

  “No, thanks.”

  “I—“ He takes a deep breath and lets it out harshly. “This all came out wrong.”

  “Hopefully, yeah. Look, I get it. You want to help me and I believe you. If you were willing to do something heinous you’d have done it last night. It would have been easy. But how is it a good idea to bring me somewhere that you have to protect me all the time? And what happens if you’re gone? What if you die? Can I just walk out the door or do I belong to the gang then?”

  He doesn’t answer. That’s it. I’m done because I’m right.

  “I’m better off as I am.”

  “Yeah. Yeah, I guess you are,” he says quietly. I can tell this really bothers him. He’s sorry he can’t help me and I hate that. I don’t need help. I’ve got this. I’ve had it under control all on my own for years now and I don’t need some knight in shining armor to come running up and save me.

  As we walk in silence I see the park peek through between the buildings. The tall trees that have overrun the area waving in the light breeze. Crenshaw is in there. Crenshaw who has never offered me help beyond what I ask for. Who makes his trades with me, offers his advice when asked and then pisses off. Crenshaw who never calls me by my name.

  “Thank you,” I blurt out, surprising us both.

  His brows pinch in confusion. “I thought you were mad at me. What are you thanking me for?”

  “I am. I’m kinda mad at you. But you’re being nice.”

  “You’re mad at me for being nice?”

  “No, I’m thanking you for being nice.”

  “I am so confused.”

  I grin at him. “Me too.”

  “Joss, I want you to understand that—“

  “Shhhh! Shut up!” I whisper harshly, grabbing his arm and pulling him down into a crouch with me. “Look.”

  A deer. It’s strolling slowly, almost casual, as though it doesn’t have a care in the world. Not for zombies and certainly not for us.

  “What do you want to do?” he whispers, leaning his head close. “Do you want to go for it?”

  I nod excitedly. “I haven’t had anything but rabbit in forever.”

  “Not stealthy enough to take down a deer?” he asks, smirking at me.

  I glare at him. “Not alone, no, and neither are you. But if we work together…”

  “I thought you don’t play well with others.”

  I chuckle softly. “Ryan, for a chance at deer meat I can be very agreeable.”

  “I’ll believe it when I see it. It’s heading for the park. Let’s cut over a block so we can run without spooking it.”

  We rise slowly out of our crouch, trying not to land in the deer’s peripheral. Once we’re clear of its sightline we take off at a sprint, running quietly down the street on the balls of our feet, landing on as little surface as possible to make the least amount of noise. We have to push through tall grass and dodge cars and rubble. Fallen street signs and sections of buildings. A refrigerator it looks like some idiots threw off a roof for fun. I wonder briefly, since we’re in his neighborhood, if it was Ryan’s band of idiots that did it.

  When we reach the edge of the park we find that we beat the deer here. We quickly hide cr
ouched down in a row of thick bushes just on the edge of the park where we can see the break in the trees where he’s going to come in. I get impatient and stand up briefly, looking for him. He’s walking so slowly I wonder if he’s not sick. I don’t want to eat rancid deer meat and get sick again. Food poisoning is deadly. I’ve only had to deal with it once. All I can say is thank goodness I had my toilet.

  “Why is he moving so slowly?” I breathe as silently as I can.

  “What should he be hurrying for? There’s nothing chasing him.”

  “Not that he knows of.”

  “Maybe he’s just a laid back guy.”

  “You two could hang out. Become bros.”

  He snorts quietly. “I need a good dinner more than a bro.”

  “Okay, he’s in. I’ll circle behind him on his right, you flank him on his left then we’ll close in on him together. Good?”

  “Good.” Ryan stands up, his head and shoulders coming above the bushes. I stay crouched, ready to spring up like a sprinter out of the blocks. “Ready?”

  “Ryan!” a voice bellows from behind us.

  The deer jerks its head around, its ears twitching and its large black eyes scanning the area. Whether it spots us or the owner of the obnoxiously loud voice I don’t know. It makes the smart choice and leaps into the thickness of the trees, disappearing into the shadows.

  Ryan whirls around, looking for whoever is calling to him.

  “Stay down,” he mumbles.

  “Duh,” I reply, tucking myself farther into the bushes by his knees.

  “Bray?” Ryan calls.

  “Yeah, man, what are you doing?”

  “Trying to catch some dinner. I was following a deer.”

  Bray laughs. “Come on. A deer? You’re good but you’re not that good.”

  “I’d be better if people didn’t shout at the top of their lungs and scare it away.”

  “Sorry. I didn’t know. I’ve been out looking for you all morning. We weren’t sure we’d find you alive.”

  “You’re not supposed to look for me.”

  “Yeah, I know. But with what happened with Kevin… Well, we made a decision to skip the rules a little and go looking for you at first light. We just lost him. No one was ready to lose you too.”