by Evie Rose
Jake sits down and grins at me, “It kinda sneaks up on you, doesn’t it?”
I’m pretty sure I know what he’s talking about, but he’s asking like he knows the feeling. I didn’t realise he was so taken by Sarah. I guess it happened to both of us pretty fast. I never thought it would. “What are you talking about?” I ask, just to make sure we’re on the same page.
He confirms my thoughts by replying, “Love.”
“More like blows up in your face so you can’t ignore it,” I smile as I answer his original question. It feels good to give this new feeling a name. Love. I fucking love her and it feels fantastic. Why did I ever try to fight this?
I raise my eyebrows at him, “So, you and Sarah?”
A shy look that isn’t a familiar thing on him crosses his features, “Yeah about that, I was going to tell you this morning but then...”
He rubs the back of his neck nervously. We both know he was about to refer to Roxi overhearing me.
“Then I went and opened my big mouth to you, before I had the chance to explain things to Roxi,” I fill in the blank for him. “It's alright. I’m not going to break.” I’m sure he’s a little disconcerted by my appearance. “So, what were you going to tell me this morning? I’m curious now.”
“Umm...” He rubs his neck anxiously again and won’t meet my gaze.
“Spit it out Jake,” I urge.
What the hell has him acting so fucking weird around me?
He exhales and finally looks up at me. I can tell that whatever he’s about to say he’s excited about, although he doesn’t want to upset me. “I signed a contract for a house. I want to ask Sarah to move in with me.”
Holy shit, I wasn’t expecting that.
“Wow, that’s huge, congratulations.”
“I haven’t actually asked her yet, I was hoping to impress her with the grand gesture. I thought it might convince her that I’m serious about her,” he confides.
I want to give him shit for being all mushy. It feels strange to be sitting here like sad saps, gushing about feelings and crap, but I feel the same way about Roxi, so I keep my mouth shut.
Instead I ask, “When’s the big move?”
“The owner agreed to a short settlement, and I signed last week, so three weeks from now,” he replies, as he gets up off the floor.
Looks like I’ll be needing a new housemate and I know exactly who I want it to be, only I don’t just want her as a housemate. Now I simply have to convince her to stay. Hopefully forever.
*****
It’s an average weeknight, Ricky has just gone to bed and we’re settling in to watch Palm Valley, our nightly routine. Only my life has been anything but average since I met Roxi. She’s extraordinary. Even trivial things like watching TV are special when I do them with her. I’m going to miss this habit when I go back to work next week. Maybe I’ll see if I can switch to the day shift, after years of being on nights.
I stare openly at her while she watches her show, I don’t even try to hide it anymore. I’m in love with everything about this woman, her easy going companionship, and the way that her eyes light up over doing something as inconsequential, as sitting on the couch eating take out with her feet on the coffee table, everything.
Despite my slight OCD tendencies, I purposely leave the dirty dishes on the kitchen bench. I tell Roxi not to worry about them, that I’ll take care of them in the morning, just to see her smile. She thinks it’s one of the greatest freedoms in the world to be able to live like a slob in your own house, and if that’s all it takes to make her happy, I’ll gladly live in a pigsty.
This is my favourite time of day. Not because I love the programme, but I enjoy watching Roxi view it. A love scene is currently playing out and she is squirming in her seat, and blushing furiously. It’s one of the sexiest thing’s I’ve ever seen, and makes me wonder how she’d react if I were to murmur a bunch of dirty things in her ear... I’ll have to remember how easily she blushes for later. It’s definitely something I want to explore.
Sliding along the couch, I lean in and whisper, “If you don't want me to help you get more comfortable, then you have to stop wriggling around. I’m trying to restrain myself so you can watch the end of your show, but there is only so much a man can take. You squeezing your thighs together, your sweet ass writhing around on the seat, they’re sending me over the edge.”
She looks up at me with wide eyes, her breath coming out in short pants. I’m not sure if she’s aroused from the images on the screen, or if my nearness affects her like she does to me. Either way, the desire she exudes leaves me unable to hold back. I trace my fingertip along her smooth skin, across her collarbone, over the swell of her breasts. Her chest rises and falls in rapid succession. I swipe my tongue across the pulse point in her neck, smiling as I realise she feels it as well, she’s falling in love with me too. I’m sure of it.
“Move in with me,” the words tumble out of my mouth, and my entire world stops while I wait to hear what she’ll say.
“I already live with you,” she breathes.
“That’s not what I meant. I want you to stay. I...” love you. I stop myself from saying it out loud. Not because it isn’t true, not even because I’m scared to tell her, but because words don’t seem like enough. Three simple words don’t even come close to explaining what she means to me. I want to show her.
Keeping my gaze locked with hers, I bend down and press our lips together. Lightly at first, while I trace my hands over the sides of her face and then whisper in her ear, “You’re so beautiful, it almost hurts to look at you.” I pull back, closing my eyes and then kissing her deeply, winding my hands through her hair and holding her close. She makes my chest tight, but I can’t fucking breathe without her near. “You blow my mind. I can’t even express how crazy in love with you I am.”
I gently take her hand and place it over my heart. I swear she can feel how hard it beats. The thought of her saying she doesn’t want to stay, has it thumping out of control. “You do this to me. Without you here, I’m terrified it’s going to stop. Stay.”
She moves her hand away, kissing the spot it just left, and then wraps her arms around me. “You feel like home.”
I feel the wetness from her tears soak through my shirt and I pull away slightly to witness the pained expression on her face. She shifts uncomfortably on her seat and my gut fucking plummets. She’s obviously going to say no.
“But?” I question her.
“I feel like I’m falling for you too, but I just got out of an abusive relationship with my husband, someone I’m technically still married to. I don’t want to rush into anything, or rely on anyone again so soon. I need to know I’m capable of being on my own, of being my own person. Although, I don’t want to lose you either. I won’t let Joseph screwing my life over, be the cause of me missing the opportunity at something great.”
I wipe away her tears, hating to see her so torn up inside. As much as it pains me to do so, I say, “You won’t miss anything. I’ll wait for you, forever if I have to. You’re worth it.” Also, I can’t see myself ever being with somebody else.
“For us to work out, we need to take things slow, to give us a fighting chance. We’ve both been through so much and I want to make sure we’re together for the right reasons, not just to help each other overcome our pasts. Everything has been so full on and serious, I want light and fun, we deserve it. When I move out though, I still want to see you, a lot of you.” She winks and her double meaning doesn’t go unnoticed by me, only...
“This isn’t just about sex for me. I really care about you, Roxi. The sex is fucking incredible, though,” I wink back. “I can do fun and light, however I can’t share. I understand you need to find yourself, but please don’t do it with other guys, it’ll make me crazy. Can we date exclusively?”
She flinches and at first, I think it’s because she wants to see other people as well as me, but then she scrunches her nose and asks, “Who’s Jenni?”
&nb
sp; My therapist? Why does she want to know about my therapist? Especially right this second?
The confusion must be clear on my face because she clarifies, “When I overheard you and Jake talking, he asked if you were still seeing Jenni. Are you seriously telling me you love me and asking me to be exclusive, when you are seeing other people?”
Her eyes narrow and I know it makes me an asshole, but I totally dig that she’s jealous. She must like me more than she’s willing to admit, and it gives me hope that everything in the future will work out fine.
“Jenni’s my therapist.” I laugh, as she staggers trying to come up with a reply, her mouth opening and closing but no words coming out. “And yes, I’m serious about asking you to be exclusive. However, I rather like the way you worded it too, I want us to see a lot more of each other.” I grin and she playfully shoves my shoulder.
“I’m not interested in anyone except you, Luke.”
I breathe a sigh of relief, as she nestles against me. When she looks back at her show, the love scene from earlier has turned into a full blown sex scene and she can’t sit still. I look down and see that familiar flush on her face and smile even wider. I’m going to see a whole lot more of her, starting right now.
Flipping her over onto her back, I lean in and whisper in her ear, “I warned you about wriggling that sexy ass of yours all over my couch,” and then I help her get comfortable. This is the best episode of Palm Valley, ever.
*****
Walking away from Roxi’s new apartment is like torture. I fucking hate leaving both of them there, to sleep on mattresses on the floor. They don’t even have a proper bed for Christ’s sakes. If she would have let me, I would have filled the whole place with everything she needed, not just second-hand things to get by. I understand why she wants to do it all on her own though. I don’t like it, but I’m proud of her.
It’s not easy to overcome abuse, I know, I’m still suffering the effects over ten years later. I’m certainly going to check on her often. She seems to be coping remarkably well, but that’s the problem, she’s dealing with everything almost too well. I’m afraid she’ll crack while living on her own, and that I won’t be there to help her through. I wish she’d look through the brochures about counselling services, the hospital and the police officers gave her.
I’m also concerned about how Ricky’s coping. I’ll have to keep an eye on him as well. I know young kids have a tendency to hide what they’re really feeling from their parents. They worry about upsetting or disappointing them and try to hide it. When I went through it, I refused to let anyone see what was really on my mind. I didn’t want to be seen as weak. I already thought I was a failure. I couldn’t handle everyone else thinking that too. I’m especially worried about them since Joseph’s trial is tomorrow.
Roxi and Ricky were going to bed as I left. I was so tempted to beg her to let me spend the night, but I knew it was something she needed to do on her own, something special to her.
It’s going to suck to go home to an empty house. Jake moves out in a week and then I really will be living by myself.
When I walk through the door, I’m shocked to find Jake sitting on the couch, and drunk out of his fucking mind.
“Luke, buddy! Come drink with me. Oh, that's right you don’t drink anymore,” he slurs. “Never mind, I’ll have another one for both of us.”
As he stands up and stumbles on his feet, I notice roughly ten beer bottles already in front of him. “Whoa, easy there pal.” I reach out to steady him and slowly lower him back down in the seat. “What’s going on? Aren’t you meant to be at work?” I sit down on the coffee table across from him as I wonder what he’s even doing here.
“The Grouch sent me home.” He downs the rest of his beer in one go and burps loudly. I can smell alcohol from here, he reeks of it.
I take in the way he slouches and his I-don’t-give-a-fuck attitude. It’s not Jake, nothing ever gets to him. I’m truly baffled. “Why the hell would he do that?”
He sways as he leans forward to put the empty bottle on the table and I take it out of his hands. “Probably ’cause I called the victim a stupid whore,” he laughs; the sound bitter and foreign to my ears.
Jake isn’t always respectful towards women, but he never calls them nasty names. Why on earth would he feel the need to... as my thoughts race ahead, realisation dawns on me. The picture from Sarah’s phone, that day so long ago, flashes through my mind, the couple embracing. Maybe I should have said something. Maybe she’s seeing other people and Jake found out. Hopefully, I’m just jumping to conclusions though.
“What happened?” I ask, with a sinking feeling in my gut. I was so self-involved with everything going on in my own life, that I haven’t been there for my friend like I should have. I should’ve paid closer attention to the woman who was managing to wrap him around her little finger so fast. I should’ve known something was going on, especially after that phone call and Jake talking about love so soon. She must have given some pretty damn amazing head to get to him so badly.
“Car crash, we had to use the jaws-of-life to get them out.”
My leg bounces nervously waiting to find out who them is.
“It was Sarah and some guy.” He punches the pillow beside him in a sudden rage. “God, I’m such a fucking idiot. She made me look like a damn fool. All the guys in the crew knew it was my girl in that car.”
“Maybe it was her brother?” I suggest hopefully.
He snorts before informing me, “Nope, the dude had his dick out of his pants. I laughed my ass off until I realised who was with him. You don’t drive with ya junk out unless it’s getting some action. Definitely wasn’t her brother.” He falls back on the couch throwing his arm over his eyes.
I didn’t even realise how deep he was into her. “Shit, I’m sorry man.”
“It was her husband.”
My eyes go wide. “What?” Maybe I heard him incorrectly.
“Yep and that’s not even the worst part.”
It gets worse?
“She’s pregnant. She told the paramedics on the scene that her husband and her are expecting a baby in six months.”
My jaw drops to the floor as I quickly do the math in my head. “So it’s definitely not yours?”
He laughs again, with absolutely no humour, and sits back up to look at me. “Nope, and get this, when I asked her how she knew it wasn’t mine, her husband wasn’t even surprised that she’d been sleeping with me. He didn’t even care. How weird is that? They must have some type of fucked up open relationship. I’m into some kinky shit, but fucking pregnant, married women isn’t one of them.”
I can’t do anything but gape at him, I have nothing to offer, nothing to say that will help make him feel better. He bought a bloody house for her for crying out loud. All I can think of is, “I’ll get you another beer.”
As I walk to the fridge, he yells after me, “Better make it a six pack.”
He talked to the Chief for me and now I’ll do the same for him. After all that bitch has done to him, I’m not going to let her be the cause of Jake losing his job as well.
*****
“Hey buddy, how was school?” I ask Ricky, as he walks out of the school gates and towards me.
Roxi is in court for Joseph’s trial. I wanted to be by her side, but Rachel is with her and she thought it would be good for Ricky to spend the time with me. She told him what was going on today, and why I was picking him up. She thinks if he gets upset, I’m the best person for him to be around, because I can relate to what he’s going through. As much as I wanted to be her support person today, I feel honoured that she would trust me so fully with Ricky.
“It was okay,” he answers, dropping his school bag into the car. His voice is flat and his eyes downcast.
I drop down to his level and give him a hug. “Remember what I told you in the hospital buddy? Never be afraid to express how you’re feeling. It’s okay to be sad, scared, worried or even angry, but it’s important t
o tell someone what’s going on in here,” I tap his head gently, mimicking my action from the last time I told him this, “So we can help make you feel better. We’ll never be disappointed in you, you’re feelings are never wrong. You have every right to be upset today, don’t bottle it up.”
On the drive home, Ricky remains extremely quiet, he isn’t his usual self and I don’t blame him. I’m beginning to think this wasn’t such a good idea after all. I can relate to him, but it doesn’t mean I know the right thing to say. Years later, I’m still trying to sort my own shit out. I guess that’s the whole point though, I kept everything trapped inside over the years, and I’m still suffering. Up until recently, I felt like I was drowning in a pool of my own misery. If I can share my story, maybe Ricky will realise he's not alone. Hopefully, it will get him to open up and he can avoid all the years of turmoil that I went through.
“You know my father was a bad man too.” I glance sideways, out of the corner of my eye to gauge his reaction. He's sitting up a little straighter in his seat and listening intently, so I go on. “For years I thought it was my fault, that I was doing the wrong thing and deserved to be punished. I thought every kid went through what I did, I never knew any different. That’s why it’s so important to speak up.”
He turns to face me, as we pull into the driveway and I shut off the engine, waiting to hear what he’s got to say before we hop out of the car.
“So it wasn’t your fault? You didn’t deserve to be punished?” I realise what he’s really asking - so it wasn't my fault? I didn't deserve to be punished?
I answer him as truthfully as I can. When I was younger, I wish people were honest with me, instead of trying to keep me sheltered. If I had a better understanding of why things happened, I wouldn’t have placed so much blame on myself. “No one ever deserves to be punished the way I was. It’s never okay to hurt another person or to call them nasty names.” It kills me that he still looks sceptical, that he believes the way he was treated was warranted.