by A M Russell
'Yes.'
'I thought that they wanted to get rid of me for a reason!'
'Get rid of you? Not at all. Transfer you more like. To someone who could run the tests again. Like I said; you are a desirable commodity.'
'Oh....' the thought of being wanted on such terms did nothing to flatter my vanity. But it did increase the sense of precariousness.
'Debrief is tomorrow. No one is really ready. But time is pressing.'
'Why's that?'
'It’s because the Sandglass experiment worked!' Sam was animated, 'You two broke through it. It has translated to the real world. You changed history!'
I thought hard about what this might mean. It had happened because of something that the directors had no power over.
'Jared and Janey's story has changed,' I said and Sam nodded, 'and Marcia and I did it because....'
'Yes,' said Sam, 'And now we are unchartered waters.'
'And here be monsters.' I said.
'It was the tag signal,' said Sam, 'That told us you were dead.'
'Yet here I am.'
'That's why they called you Lazarus.' said Sam.
'It had to do with Jared & Janey....and someone else. It's hard to explain....' I looked down, I felt my eyes unfocus.
'Oh,' Sam took a notepad and biro from somewhere inside the jacket, 'May I venture a thought?'
'Please do.'
'Don't try to explain anything....we all know that there are things that are too personal, or just downright inexplicable. And I think I'll correct my estimation of who's finding it hardest. You do....perhaps with Jared about on par with you. Janey is surprisingly quite together. Marcia, is well, just being Marcia.'
'What does that mean?' I rubbed my right shoulder again.
'We all admire her. She is a magnificent woman. Not at all like the way she sees herself.' Sam picked up the cig pack yet again, 'I think you should tell her how much we all value her.' he pulled out a fag and twirled it in his fingers.
'Why do want me to speak for the rest?'
'She'll believe you.' Sam sipped from the now tepid teacup, 'And therefore she will help set Jared to rights. Bloody hell! He's exhausting! How do you cope with the mood swings? He's worse than one of my mad ex-girlfriends!'
'What mood swings?' Then I recalled those horrible black moods. He used to always work through it by being relentlessly practical until he tired himself out.
'Yes. Actually I do know exactly what you're saying. But I was not on the receiving end of it.'
'The only one then,' said Sam, 'You are so like Jared; but with all the dark and scary bits turned into idiotic components.'
'I think that was trying to be a compliment; but it sounds like an insult....' I laughed in a slightly off the edge way then, 'I don't see it myself. I know that others see a similarity between us.... But it's in my blind spot.'
Sam regarded me warmly, as if I had answered something in him that was biting and nibbling around the subject.
‘Do you….’ He started, and fell silent.
There was a pounding on my front door, which made us both jump.
‘Good God Alex! What on earth are you doing round at this hour?’
‘Put some clothes on. You’re needed!’ Alex emphatically boomed.
‘Not until you tell me what’s going on!’ I sniffed and wrapped the dressing gown round tighter, ‘besides…. How did you know I was up?’
‘Not too bright are we Dave? Oh, hi there Sam-I-Am!’
‘Uh Hello,’ Sam stepped out and lit up the long delayed cigarette.
‘Chop chop!’ said Alex, ‘Or I’ll make you wear the red bobble hat.’
‘What…. Is going…. On?’ I gritted my teeth, feeling sick suddenly. It was probably the lack of sleep, chilly air and general empty-of-lunch feeling.
Alex pushed me into my hall; ‘I wouldn’t normally say this; but you need to do this right now. Ordinarily I would be as pig headed as you. But the Doc of all knowingness rang me 20 minutes ago and said to bring you to George’s house right now…. She didn’t expand on it enough for me to say anything meaningful, except: Get you Bloody clothes on!’
‘Violette said to go? What is at George’s house?’
‘Go, Go!’ Alex wafted me towards the staircase.
As I ran up to find my jeans and sweater, I heard Alex muttering in my front hall: ‘Is he as screwed up as the other dead guy or not?’; Sam replied: ‘In all probability he’s not really himself. Tell me, what is he usually like?’
‘Usually?’ I hear Alex snort, ‘he’s my friend and esteemed colleague; so leave the psychobabble to the blonde in the tight silk blouse. Davey is a better man than any of that bunch really give him credit for. Fucking Intellectuals! Brains should be used for the Basics of life by most people, not for drawing any conclusions. But don’t take that personally….’
‘I’m not.’ said Sam, as I bounded back down the stairs.
‘You’re with me.’ said Alex, ‘Sam, follow us!’
‘Yes… fine.’ Sam rolled his eyes at me.
‘You’ll get used to him Sam,’ I said, ‘Eventually.’
We were summoned into the kitchen by George. Violette sat at the table with a glass of wine in front of her. I thought it strange at this hour… actually I wasn’t sure what hour it was.
‘Davey…. Do come in.’ Violette's even soothing tone was just what I needed.
‘Why am I here?’ I remained standing.
‘George. Get Alex and Sam a coffee or tea please,’ she smiled pleasantly at me and stood up. George passed her a glass, and then a bottle for her to pour in red wine. ‘This one is for you.’ She said and passed it to me. I didn’t say anything because I couldn’t be sure if I was dreaming this or not. I had dreamed something…. A while ago. I felt my breathing speed up slightly.
‘It is fine Davey. Come. Right this way.’
I followed Violette along a small internal corridor and then to a little inner hallway. She turned up a flight of stairs.
I heard music playing. Quite softly. But continuously.
‘Now listen,’ said Violette, ‘You must give him this other glass. It contains a powerful sleeping draft. He only will talk to you. He’s refused to talk to anyone else, that is to say. Sorry to ask. But it is just a matter of resting. One must rest…. I am concerned,’ here Violette let her guard down a little, ‘Please help me. This is becoming difficult. Jules is round at my brother’s house. Kyle is with him. But I want to go back soon.’
‘Will this last long?’ I asked.
‘No… in all probability. Sleep and time and quiet will do it. But I can’t ask for a second opinion…. Time sickness… it is a new branch of study and treatment that I am exploring here.’
‘You’re the Doc, Dr Rhodes. You’ve done really well so far.’
‘Thanks.’ She smiled. I saw how tired she was too.
I slipped into the room. It was warm and dimly lit. At first I didn’t see him. I moved round slightly. He was round by the radiator, sat near to it. He turned slightly as I moved into this eye line.
‘You came.’ was all he said, and barely moved.
‘Jared? May I sit here?’ I put my hand on the back of the nearby second armchair.
‘You must sit. You are very tired.’ His voice was a gentle murmur. I don’t know what I expected. But it wasn’t this. I felt confused as to why they had called me so suddenly.
Jared leaned forward into the light from the corner lamp. His eyes were red rimmed, and glittering in the gloom. We stared at each other. The music ended on the player and stopped.
Next to him was a table. Water. A glass. And beneath an overflowing wastepaper basket.
‘Davey…’ he smiled slowly and seemed to listen for a few moments then, ‘I wanted you to come. I can remember waking in that other place….after; after I…..’ his face contorted with pain.
I put my hand out and took his. His grip was strong, almost a pinch. But then relaxed. He pulled out another hanky. I waited. He gu
lped before speaking again. ‘I know I died…. And that I was a spirit wandering that place…. On the shore of that last sea I waited. But something made me go and look for you. We drank together didn’t we? That day of the first expedition. I was there too. But it was like I was seeing myself through glass. You were always there for me. But perhaps you don’t remember?’
‘I don’t know…. I can’t work it out. Was I there more than once? That once that I see as a continuous stream?’
‘I don’t know.’ Jared leaned back then, ‘I saw you from a distance. And when the giants had finished with you, I came as quickly as I could. I thought that if I reached you I could go with you. I could let it go. I wanted to go then….. and I knew that I wouldn’t be alone…’
‘You wanted to die?’
‘Yes…. Yes I did. But I was not able to. Time had not finished with me. It had not stopped playing around with my fate….’ He leaned towards me then and touched my chest; ‘A mortal wound does not heal. Unless you ask for a miracle…. Do you understand? I was asking for a miracle. And then it happened! But there’s the thing, I was still wanting to die; because I felt I didn’t belong. And although I maybe didn’t deserve that fate, it was only when Janey came down the beach, that I changed my mind. She didn’t know that she was nearby. And she sat gazing out across the sea for a long time. She sat in the shingle until I thought the tide would take her, but it didn’t. I went to wake her up from that half dream…. Do you understand? For her to find you dead and me alive. It was too much…. A test… a test I almost failed. There was the knife. I thought I would press it into my heart too. I was already broken…. I was so unworthy…’
‘Jared! You are worthy… you do matter. And you were there when the Man brought me back. He came with me…. And he was somehow you; I mean inside you too. When I woke up alive, it was your hands and your voices… you and Janey I could hear. They became one. I can see his face, but only in the eyes and faces of people who are like him. I was there Jared! I was there…. At that place beyond. And I choose to come back. And it breaks my heart in a different way…. I have never told anyone else. Not that…. Because you died at the caves, and I died at the last shore before eternity begins…. I know what longing there is. I know….’ I found the tears running unhindered. Silently slipping down. Jared handed me some hankies; and then in barely a whisper spoke:
‘I didn’t think it would work, I didn’t know. I felt. I believed… I hoped I did…’ now Jared sniffed and rubbed his eyes too, ‘I just said whatever came into my head. I wasn’t trying to be someone anymore. I had given up…I was mortified when I got so angry later. But you were so utterly forgiving. I was chilled to the bone by your kindness. I was searching for a road home. But I needed to see that you were that road…. And not only that…. That Marcia would fight for us all.’
‘It was you. Mainly you,’ I said, ‘You do know that, don’t you?’
‘Not really…. She’s… so strong.’
We were silent for several minutes.
‘Is there anything else?’ I asked,
He looked away and sat back in the chair. He paused for so long I thought maybe had had said all he wanted to say; then: ‘Let me tell you about Janey. That other person….another reality. A dream perhaps…’
‘One of those other possible worlds?’
‘Yes….’ he grasped my hand, ‘and you know that she is not that one?’
‘Okay.’ I said slowly, ‘our Janey now… is not the one you are telling me about then….?’
He smiled and seemed to gaze into another world that played in his mind’s eye. ‘A dream once had and soon forgotten. Perhaps you will remember I told you. Perhaps it is significant. But if I tell you I hope you will see why it is dangerous to play with these other worlds….it can break your heart. And divide your soul into bits and pieces.’
‘Go on.’
‘The first expedition that we had. We all met. Aiden and I and all the others… and Janey.’
‘Yes, I know.’
‘We were all getting to know each other and by the second week out there was a storm…. Huge one. We had our camp set up and everyone worked hard to secure the camp, so we would be safe. We all sat down for a meal that our team had made. and because we knew we would not be going anywhere the next day, we got some booze out that someone had rather cleverly sneaked into the camp. It’s banned usually right?’
‘Except for clever sods like Jules getting a flask in!’ I said. Jared Laughed and then was serious again.
‘Yes. Well…. We had a jolly time as you can imagine. Usual ridiculous stories, daft banter. And most of then went to bed. Aiden, Ellen, Janey, and Myself were the only ones left. We drank some more… and…’
I waited. Jared seemed to be wrestled with himself; ‘the thing you need to know. To bear in mind was that this has only reordered itself in my mind with all the rest of this since that night inside the mountain…. Once we get out; the path you have chosen is the path you remember. I chose it. But so did all of us… you remember what I said… about us all affecting each other?’
‘Yeah… I remember that. You helped me understand what was going on.’
‘Yes, well,’ he continued, ‘because of Aiden and Ellen, and them being still there as well. Then you see the fact of time and memory overlaying things in complex ways, there we were, at the time with no knowing who we all were. Just a name, a role, being on an expedition. The spike killed me. And I saw it. Divided I was to witness my own murder. And they both saw it too… Janey and Ellen. Aiden was on the trip but not officially. The stories are all wrong. He didn’t disappear. He was killed and came back. Again and again. We made a deal, Aiden and I. one would go. And one would stay. In the end we both did: split in two…. but without the drugs. It’s something about the mountain that did it. But Aiden on the outside was the one who made Sandglass keep going. He has been there all the time…..’
‘Go on.’
‘Yes. So you see. It has been confusion from the beginning. What was real. Even who was real! But the thing about connections is that they never fail to surface. They are reinforced by the repeating pattern as it goes round again and again. That Deja vue that we all felt… in which your nightmares and your dreams and your obsessions become real. I know that she didn’t mean it. She wasn’t herself you understand. She doesn’t know….Janey, she killed me…. I can’t bear that she would ever find out! It wasn’t her fault, not a bit. You do see that don’t you?’
‘Yes….of course I do. It’s alright. I believe you.’ I turned my hand towards him. And he touched my palm with his fingertips.
‘Yes. You believe….and I can’t tell anyone else. They will watch her. I must save her. I must protect her if I can. That is all that matters….’
‘It’s alright. I understand. I won’t tell. I will help you both….’
‘Ah! Davey. You answer the question before I’ve asked it. So now it’s without a point… the rest of my story.’
‘Tell me anyway.’
‘She is always going to be judged you know. I want to stop that from happening. Do you see?’
‘Yes. Of course.’
‘And she mustn’t know. I need to know that will never happen. Even if someone else tells about this….to find another explanation.’
‘Okay.’
He paused again, and then sighed: ‘Janey and I were together; a long time ago. In another world she was not what she now is….or even appears to be’ He took a deep breath, ‘….I only knew who she really was when we reached the caves on your expedition, the last one.’
‘Weird….’ I said, ‘I mean; freaky. We could be changed or even all snap out of existence… just like that!’
I watched his eyes. He was looking puzzled then as if something was giving way.
‘What was I saying?’ he asked me.
I thought about it, and didn’t really know. There were too many things wrong with assuming you knew about people. I had still not grasped the basic concept of the
impossible paradox where someone could be their own ancestor…. This was something like; and just when I thought I got it I didn’t. Jared’s mind was like a deep tangled forest; everything would make sense if that world was full of some sort of magic. Earth magic and science, where nothing was what it seemed. It was too deep in the forest of confusion for me. I didn’t want to travel into the dark with other people’s private obsessions. I wasn’t sure if I had understood him correctly; of if he just meant it in some other way. If I understood anything, it was that we had made our choices now. And that was it. Jared was looking at me solemnly. ‘Are you okay?’ he said.
‘Yeah,’ I said, ‘I think I’m glad to be alive.’
‘Yes….it’s a mystery how we got here. Perhaps there’s something else….’
‘I hope it’s over.’ I said.
‘We were the experiment. And it’s probably messed people’s heads up a lot more than anyone’s admitting. We all lost ourselves for a while there.’
‘Marcia didn’t,’ I said, ‘she knew everything all along.’
Jared looked away, ‘Janey got it. Totally…. She tried to tell me but I wasn’t listening.’
‘Somehow the long shot worked.’
‘Janey said something yesterday… but I was in a bad mood.’ Jared smiled now, ‘She said that it is good to remember things. I guess I was annoyed at her for being so…. Accepting of all the weirdness….perhaps it’s better she never knows.’
‘Yes. Perhaps.’ I said, ‘but what about you?’
‘I’d die, if I thought it would save her. She has nothing that I will not accept. If that is the price; I will take it. A secret of another self. Another time…. That is what it is. Janey is another person in that parallel world and maybe it is better this way. The conditioning never takes us to places that we could not go ourselves, given the right circumstances.’
‘You mean we were told what to remember?’ I asked him.