by Claire Adams
I went to the meeting on Wednesday, and I found out by listening to the other priests that I wasn’t as much of a freak as I had thought I was. Even the older priest there talked about having feelings of lust.
One priest confessed to being in love with the same woman for ten years. He claimed to have done nothing about it, but she’s his neighbor and there was something in his eyes when he talked about her that told me maybe he did cross the line. Or maybe I just wanted that to be the case so I didn’t feel like the only one who was going straight to hell in a handbasket.
Thursday evening, as I was thinking about what I should have for dinner, there was a knock on my door. I was surprised to pull it open and find Lily standing there with a picnic basket in one hand and a bottle of sparkling cider in the other.
I hadn’t heard from her since church on Sunday. She had stopped to say hello and asked again if I wanted to go out to dinner. She asked in front of other parishioners, so I’d brushed her off. I recovered from my surprise and said, “Hey, Lily! What’s up?”
She flashed me her cutest smile. One thing about Lily is she knows she’s cute. She’d not just cute…she’s hot—drop dead gorgeous hot. She’d never had any problems with poor self-esteem. If anything, she had a little too much self-esteem and it bordered on being full of herself.
I’ve always thought that the fact I turned her down was worse for her than actually accepting we couldn’t be together. I’d wounded her ego, and her ego wasn’t used to that.
Part of what attracted me to Daphne is that she doesn’t have that kind of ego. She could stand to have a lot more self-esteem, but that wasn’t even it. She thinks of others more than herself. Lily always had an ulterior motive.
“I brought dinner and a movie. Have you eaten yet?”
“Um…no, I was just thinking about it.” I was also really sure that this was a terrible idea.
In the meeting I’d gone to, I’d been advised not to put myself into situations that could get out of hand. Daphne was the one I really wanted, but Lily was just hot enough that the way I’d been feeling lately might push me over the edge. I wanted Daphne, but I’d have to be careful or Lily might just do.
“Well, are you going to invite me in?” She sounded annoyed that she was still standing on the doorstep.
Paranoid, I looked around to see who might be watching. No one was even out and about. “Um…I’m just not sure this is really appropriate, Lily. It’s one thing to eat out in a public place, but here in my home…”
“Oh, Jace. I’m not trying to seduce you, for God’s sake. It’s dinner and a PG rated movie. Get your mind out of the gutter.”
She’d made me feel foolish for assuming she wanted me. She’s just so damned flirtatious all the time. The truth be told, though, that was just her personality, and maybe I was making too much of it this time.
“Come on in,” I said, stepping back from the door. “I’m sorry; this is just all new to me.”
She raised an eyebrow and said, “You’ve been a priest for five years, now. Haven’t you had any friends over during that time?” She carried her basket over to the table and started setting up like she owned the place.
“Yes, but they were married couples, older women, or men. I’m never lonely, but I don’t spend much time with people my own age…much less people I have a history with. You and I dated…”
“A million years ago in high school.” She was saying one thing, but her eyes were saying another. She let them slowly run down my body, settling for way too long on my crotch.
I felt myself twitch. My mouth went dry, and I had a lump in my throat. I swallowed hard and said, “Here, I’ll take that,” I took the apple cider from her. I could feel her eyes on me as I took it into the kitchen to pour it into two glasses.
When I came back out, she had dinner set up. She’d brought it over warm, and it looked delicious. She had made oven baked mac and cheese—one of my personal favorites—cornbread, and some shredded tri-tip. I sat down with her and said, “This looks amazing. I haven’t had mac and cheese like this since Grandma passed away.”
“She’s the one who taught me how to make it; do you remember?”
“Yeah, that Sunday after church when it stormed so badly you couldn’t get home.”
“I was secretly glad. I had such a great time hanging out with your family. Your grandmother taught me how to make this, we made chocolate chip cookies, and we all played Monopoly in front of the fire. My family was never like that.”
I felt that stab in my gut I got every time I thought about my family. Those were good times, but they hadn’t all been like that. “It was a good day,” I said, simply.
I never wanted to think about the bad times. I did pretty well keeping all of that at bay. Lily and I ate our meal and had light conversation. She told me about her job, and I talked to her about things that were happening at the church.
We cleaned up together and then went in to watch the movie. “What movie is this?” I asked as she slid it into the DVD player on the television.
She came over to the couch and sat down next to me…a little too close. “It’s called Unconditional. It’s a Christian movie about a woman who loses her husband and then her faith.”
I smiled. “You know, I’m allowed to watch regular movies.” The church frowns on anything “R” rated, but they don’t have to all be Christian-themed.
“I know that. But, it’s hard to find one without sex and violence—both of which I know you wouldn’t approve of.” She seemed to disapprove of me not approving of sex and violence. “This one looks good.”
When the movie started, we were both sitting up with about two inches of space between us. As it progressed and the woman’s husband had died and she was grieving, Lily put her head on my shoulder. I could feel her body jerk with tiny little sobs. I didn’t say anything about her touching me; I thought she was just overcome by the emotions of the movie.
Somewhere along the way, though, I felt her move her hand and place it on my thigh. I was trying to ignore it and keep my eyes on the movie, but she wasn’t just resting it there. She started out rubbing that one spot…very lightly. It was enough for my cock to take notice, however, and I could feel an erection coming on.
I shifted slightly, trying to give her a subtle hint. She took it—but the wrong way. She moved her hand up to my stomach and started strumming her fingers there.
Finally, I couldn’t take it any longer. I grabbed her hand in mine with the intentions of moving it. She threaded our fingers together, and strictly to keep from embarrassing her, I held on.
Towards the end of the movie, the woman was learning how to love again and how to still believe in God. It was a good story, and although the person I’d lost was my grandmother, it was slightly similar to my own.
I was really into it when I felt Lily let go of my hand and shift her legs so that they were draped across mine. Her calves were now pressing into my crotch, and my erection returned with a vengeance.
I stretched and yawned as the movie started coming to an end, again trying to give her a subtle hint. She sat up and put her legs on the floor.
I thought she was getting ready to leave when suddenly she put both of her hands on my face and pulled me in for a kiss. I felt her lips on mine and then her tongue. I didn’t open my mouth, so she dragged it across my lips, tracing the outline of them slowly. My erection was at full staff and aching as it pressed against the front of my jeans.
For a second, I almost lost myself and then a picture of Daphne popped into my head. Yes, I saw the irony there, but it stopped me. I pushed back from her and said,
“Lily, what are you doing?”
She gave me a knowing look. “You know what I’m doing. I know you want me, Jace.” Her eyes flit to my waist, and she smiled. She could see that I was turned on.
“I won’t tell anyone. I want you, too. I’ve wanted you since we were kids. Let me make you feel good. You would love it, Jace, and no one has to know…”
I stood up quickly—so quickly that I almost knocked her over. Her words were meant to turn me on further, but they were having the opposite effect.
“No, Lily! I’m a priest. I told you when you first got here that this wasn’t even appropriate. What makes you even think I’d want to take things to that level?”
She stood up inches away from me. “That hard cock in your pants for one thing.” She reached for it, but I stepped back again. I honestly had no desire for her to touch me.
I didn’t want to fight with her or hurt her, so I said, “Lily, you’re not thinking clearly. I know you’re a better Catholic than this. We can’t do this. I’d be breaking my vows, and you’d be committing a carnal sin.”
She rolled her eyes and let out a small growl. “Jesus, Jace! It’s sex! Priests have sex all the time. They just have to be discreet. Have you ever read the Thorn Birds? Books like that wouldn’t even exist if priests didn’t really have sex. I can be discreet. I’ve been discreet before.”
I’m not sure what she meant by that, but I didn’t care. I just wanted her to go now. “Priests do not have sex all the time, Lily. If they do, it’s wrong.”
Then I said something that for the life of me, I couldn’t understand; I hadn’t meant to share it at all, much less with Lily. “If I could have those kinds of relations with a woman and my relationship with God, Lily…it wouldn’t be with you.
“I’m sorry, but there’s someone else that I’d have in a heartbeat, but even though I have feelings for her, I can’t have her. All I feel for you is friendship, Lily. My body’s responses are just hormones.”
She looked angry and narrowed her eyes at me. “You were the only man who ever turned me down, you know that? The rest of them jump at the chance. I know I’m hot, Jace. I work hard at it. I know you think I’m hot. I can see it on your face…and in your pants. Last chance, Jace; I’ll take you to heaven.”
What she was saying was both vain and blasphemous. She’ll take me to heaven? No, she’ll send me straight to hell. “I can’t, Lily.”
With an even angrier tone she said, “Fine! You ruined the plans for my life once, Jace. You were supposed to marry me, not God. We were supposed to have a life together.”
Her face softened again as she gave it one last try, “You don’t have to be a priest; it’s just a job. I’m worth it.”
“It’s not a job, Lily. It’s a calling. I’m really sorry, but you should go now.” She’d completely turned me off, the more she had talked.
She went over to the table and picked up her basket. She stomped angrily to the front door and stopped. “I don’t think I can just be your friend, Jace.”
I just nodded. I was sad about that, but I wasn’t going to sleep with her to prove I wanted to be her friend. We would both regret it; I knew I would for sure.
CHAPTER TWENTY-EIGHT
DAPHNE
I spent my day off running errands, cleaning my apartment, and doing laundry. Anything to keep from thinking about Jace, but it didn’t work. I still thought about him all the time. I wondered what he was doing. I wondered if he was with Lily, and then I scolded myself and then I wondered again.
I wondered if I was just a horny slut or if he really was special. It felt like a lot more than lust, but I didn't have anything to compare it to. When I was at work, I would imagine him walking in the diner. When I was at home, I’d imagine him knocking on the door. When I went to church on Sunday, I sat in the pew and tried to act like I was listening to mass, when in fact, I was looking at him.
He was so perfect; I felt so drawn to him. I couldn't concentrate on what I was supposed to be concentrating on when I looked at him, not even church.
Contrary to what I’d been doing lately, I loved my church. I loved God. I loved being a Catholic woman. I didn't want my obsession, or whatever it was, with Jace to ruin that. But I didn't know what to do about it.
Carla went with me to church and she tried to get me to go over and talk to him after the service. I wanted to, but he was surrounded by all of the “good” Catholics that had honestly listened to his words during mass and had taken them to heart, I’m sure. He didn’t have time for dredges like me.
So, I steered her out of the church in a different direction so we could have lunch before she had to catch her bus home. She didn’t miss how distracted I was during our meal and was well aware of what was on my mind.
“Maybe you should just tell him.”
“Tell him? You mean go to my priest and say, ‘Hey, I can’t think about anything but you. I get horny every time I look at you.’ Is that what you mean?”
“It’s not the same as just going to your priest and telling him that. You had sex with this guy.”
“Shh!” The waitress was walking by right as she said that. “I realize that, Carla. But the night we did talk and I tried to kiss him, he made it clear that what happened between us was over. Talking to him is not going to help. As a matter of fact, it might make things worse. Putting temptation in front of him repeatedly makes me a horrible person.”
“Okay, then here’s what you do. Your next day off, you get dressed up really sexy and you go out. Don’t get drunk—that’s dangerous when you’re alone. But have a drink or two and loosen up, baby girl.
“Find another guy to hook up with. Make sure you ask him what he does for a living before you have sex with him and if it’s not illegal or immoral, do it. Maybe that’s all you need… Sometimes all a girl needs is a good lay.”
“Carla! That’s quite enough, thank you. I’m not going to use one guy to get over another one.”
She rolled her eyes at me. “You know nothing about men.”
“Why do you say that?”
She laughed. “Because it’s true, baby girl. Men don’t think of being used for sex as being used. They love it. They want you to use them. They’d stamp it into their foreheads if they could get away with it: ‘please use me for sex, any time.’”
I laughed. “You have a very skewed perception of men, you know that?”
“No, honey, I have a realistic perception. Do this and get your mind off the priest. He’s hot, granted, but lots of hot guys are out there just waiting for a hot girl like you. You’re killing yourself here. You’re boxing yourself in.”
So there I was on Friday night, my first day off since we talked, not taking Carla’s advice. I had on my shorts and my tank. I ate a tuna sandwich for dinner and then set to eating gelato straight out of the container and watching a movie on the Lifetime network as I hunkered down on my couch.
I don’t want to go out. I don’t want any other man than Jace. I’m messed up, I know…but wouldn’t I be even more messed up if I added another one-night stand to my list of offenses? I have no idea…
So, I’m just going to sit here and eat my gelato before I screw anything else up further. I will just sit here and relax and look forward to Sunday morning when I get to see Jace again. Messed up, I know.
I was about half-way through the movie. I’d finished the entire container of gelato and was seriously considering turning in for the night when there was a loud banging on my front door. What the hell? Who is at my door on a Friday night? I went over to the door and quietly looked out the peephole. Son of a bitch! It’s my father. Shit! He looks like hell, as usual.
He was unshaven and his clothes were dirty. He looked like he’d had a plenty of whiskey already. I’d be willing to be that he reeked of it. I could feel my heart pounding in my chest; I could actually hear it inside my head. I felt like I could barely breathe, like something was clawing at my throat. My chest was beginning to hurt and I was suddenly afraid I was going to have a full-blown anxiety attack.
He pounded again. It sounded like he was going to knock down the door. Shit! I had tried to tell the cop that pressured me to get a restraining order that it wasn’t going to help.
What was I supposed to do now? Throw a piece of paper at him and that will make him leave? Maybe it would give him a terrible paper
cut. It’s crap and the police have to know it.
I got the restraining order the one time I called the police on him; that was one of the most traumatic days of my life. Yes, he’s a horrible man, but he’s my father.
The idea of calling the police on him prior to that day had never even entered my mind, but I was trying to leave and he wouldn’t let me. I knew if I stayed, my life would be what it was forever and I couldn’t handle that.
I had to get out of there to save my life, so I’d done what I had to do, and he had made sure I regretted it…so then I got the restraining order. Worthless.
“Daffy! It’s me, Daffy! Open up!” He banged again. How the hell did he find out where I was? God, I hate it when he calls me that. It makes me sick. How did he find me? I know that Carla wouldn’t tell him or Bethany… There was no one else.
I put in a forwarding address at the post office…was that it? I never considered that he’d be able to follow me that way. Damn it! It doesn’t really matter at this point. He’s on my doorstep and he’s going to wake the dead.
One of the neighbors will call the police if I don’t do something, but what? He’s angry with me for leaving. I can’t let him in here. The only person I really know here is Bethany and she’s at work tonight, not that she could really do anything. Shit!
My head was pounding with the beat of his fist on my door. I was beginning to panic. I didn't know what to do; I didn't know who to call.
“Daffy!” He was screaming now, and I think he was using his feet, too.
I suddenly realized that I do know one other person in town, but would it even be appropriate for me to call him? Would he come?
“Daphne Lynn Carter, you open this door right now! We need to talk, and I’m not going away until we do! You don’t want me to have to break it down, do you?”
Shit! I grabbed my phone and called Jace. It rang twice before he picked it up with a sleepy, “Hello?”
Just as he did, my father beat on the door again. This time it was louder. He was definitely kicking it. He was going to break it or his foot soon. Either way, he wasn’t going away.