“Tell me, then,” she challenged, stepping forward to stand directly in front of him. “If there is no truth to the stories people tell about you behind your back, why do you not stop their lies? Do you want people to think so lowly of you? Liurn and Davian told me you could not be trusted. Should I be afraid to stand here in this room without someone to protect me from you?”
Jaw clenched, Therek lifted his head to avoid Kaori’s insistent stare, the paleness of his skin slowly turning red under the tension, the azure glow of his eyes flashing angrily from where he gazed up at the ceiling. His breathing was heavy. Strained. Pushing him, Kaori stepped closer, the motion cut short as his body brushed past her to lengthen the distance between them, leaving her to slowly turn toward the center of the room where he came to stand. “I am the one who created the script those fools recite when they speak of me behind my back,” he said through gritted teeth, his control slipping further out of his reach.
Kaori stared at him in confusion. She didn’t want to accept what Therek was saying. He created the stories? Why would anyone want to be spoken of with the contempt which Liurn and Davian showed in providing their warnings? “You expect me to believe that you made it all up? I may be young, but I am not daft. Even fiction has some basis in reality.”
Shaking his head Therek slowly opened his hands, staring down at his fingers as if the answer to Kaori’s question was hidden there on his palms. He was trembling. Kaori could see it from where she stood, though she couldn’t be sure if it was from anger… or fear. There was something in the depths of his eyes that belied the strength he struggled to maintain while in front of her.
She hated to see him look so miserable. For months she wondered if he was capable of feeling anything and now she wished she could take back whatever she had said that made him look so wretched. Something about his past brought him great pain to be faced with and until he trusted her enough to tell her what that was, she was powerless to console him. “I want to understand, Therek,” she tested the waters by foregoing the use of titles, moving swiftly across the floor to reach her hand toward him. At the sound of his name coming from her lips he stiffened, twisting away from her fingers to leave her grasping nothing but empty air.
“No,” he breathed, glancing at Kaori out of the corner of his eye. “I buried the truth for a reason. It would be an insult to the dead if I spoke of it now.”
It pained Kaori to feel him step away, watching him move across the room toward the desk, using it to place a barrier between them. He was trying to keep his distance from her. As if he was afraid that letting her touch him would break the resolve he fought to keep in his decision not to talk. Determined not to let him push her away, she followed close behind, pausing when she reached the desk, not wanting to move in too quickly. “You believe the dead would be insulted by you telling me the truth? I am trying to be your friend, Therek.”
Inhaling a sharp breath, Therek held up his hand as if to stop her from saying his name. It bothered him. She could tell by the way his brow furrowed, the crease in his forehead deepening. Frustrated. Angry. Yet he said nothing to argue, fighting an internal battle that Kaori couldn’t begin to understand. “Please,” he whispered, no other words forming, as if he fought with himself about whether or not he really wanted her to stop saying it.
“If you worry that I will betray your trust, there is no need. Anything you tell me will never leave this room.” It was the only thing she could think to say that might help ease Therek’s mind. If he truly devised the stories himself, there had to be a reason for it. He wouldn’t reveal the truth to just anyone. There was risk involved. A chance that his words would be passed to a less understanding ear.
A noise resembling a pitiful laugh came from Therek, his head lowered to stare down at the ground. From where she stood, Kaori couldn’t see his face, but she didn’t have to. She could sense his walls starting to crumble. The tension in his body easing slightly, shoulders lowered, the tips of his fingers resting atop the desk to support his weight instead of balled up at his sides. She was making progress. “It is not a matter of trust with you, Kaori,” he lifted his head to stare at her, meeting her gaze with a solemn smile. The sound of her name coming from his lips brought her more joy than she thought possible, distracting her from everything in that moment. It wasn’t the first time he addressed her without use of titles, but this time was different. Intentional. Deliberate. Reciprocating her decision to utilize a more personal form of communication.
Her own features softened to hear him start to give in. Taking advantage of the opening, she stepped closer, hoping he wouldn’t notice; or that he wouldn’t mind enough to move away. A breath of relief escaped her to see him remain still, her heart pounding, thoughts racing over what to do or say next which might secure his agreement to speak of his past. “If not trust, then what? I will not judge you.”
“Ah, but that is not true,” Therek shook his head. “When Liurn shared his version of my past, you were rather quick to pass judgment. I saw it in your eyes when you first laid out your accusations that day.”
Damn. He had a far better memory than she hoped. “I was being foolish,” she shrugged, trying to pass off his concerns as trivial. It was important that he believe her matured since the day she confronted him in Tialore. And she had. Before this all began she was a naïve little girl who thought she knew everything about the way the world worked. Much had changed over the past several weeks. It was just a matter of making him see the differences. “I knew even less about you then than I do now. I was afraid to trust you. And after hearing what Liurn and Davian believed, I was torn. They are my friends. I did not want to think that they would blatantly lie, but you had never given me reason to think you untrustworthy or cruel. Least of all dangerous. Not to me, anyway.”
“Lord Torust may have embellished the story. It was his desire to frighten you away from me.”
“And that is exactly what I do not understand. Why would he want me to stay away from you?”
“He is threatened by me.” Therek paused, thinking over what he had just said before giving another soft, miserable chuckle. “In his defense, he has every right to be cautious. As you said, fiction has a strong base in reality. My history with women has been far from honorable.”
Kaori swallowed hard to hear the admission. In her heart she had hoped he would deny that part of Liurn’s story. She didn’t want to accept that he’d ever been a rake-hell. Licentious behavior didn’t suit him. At least not the man she had come to know. “They mentioned something of the sort,” she frowned, her confidence faltering. If that was true, perhaps it wasn’t a good idea to get too close. Stop it; she grimaced, angry with herself. She was doing exactly what she promised him she wouldn’t. “I was to the understanding that this was in your youth. One cannot be punished in the present for something they did in the past.”
“On the contrary, I am punished every day for what I have done. Enduring the falsities whispered about me behind my back has been my only means of atonement.”
His only means of atonement? “Do you imply that you created these lies to protect someone else?” Kaori took another step forward, her courage slowly starting to return. He was teetering on the edge. A slight push was all it would take to get him to leap, and once she accomplished that, she would have the answers she sought since Liurn first planted the seeds of curiosity in her mind.
“You are a sharp one,” Therek mused, looking her over, seeming impressed by the accuracy of her observation. The tremble in his voice remained, though less noticeable than before. No trace of the anger which had been so prominent in his eyes. In a precise, graceful motion he lifted his hands off the desk, turning his body to face Kaori directly. “What I cannot decide is whether I dare break the promise I made upon that person’s grave that no one would ever discover the truth.”
“It must have been a woman, then.” She wasn’t about to back down. He was stubborn but she was equally so… and if she was going to stay with
him for any length of time, she felt it only fair that she know exactly what kind of man she was subjecting herself to. “You must have cared deeply about her to risk your reputation for the sake of hers.”
She didn’t think it possible for Therek to look more wretched than he did at that moment. Whatever was on his mind, it pained him beyond what Kaori expected, his eyes locked on her as the last of his will to fight dwindled away, leaving him exposed. More vulnerable than he had ever allowed himself to look before. For the first time he didn’t resemble the confident duke. Without the strong posture and haughty stare, he looked no different from anyone else.
“At one time, yes,” he paused. Kaori took another step forward, anxious to hear what he might say. She was afraid if she didn’t continue to gently press the matter that he might back down and she would never learn the truth.
“Surely she must have shared those feelings for you.”
“In my experience, love does not work that way outside fairy tales.” Therek gazed down at the floor, leaning his hip against the desk to support his weight, no longer appearing to have the strength to maintain what little confidence he fought to exude, the last of his walls tumbling down to let Kaori see the real Therek. A heartbroken, lonely man, who had suffered alone for far too long to hold it in anymore. “Before I met her, women were nothing but objects of entertainment to me. My status caught their eye and the slightest hope of improving their own family made it a simple task to lead them into bed. You might be amazed what lengths a woman will go to secure a fortune. To gain a title. Power. That was what they wanted above all else. A chance to be royalty.”
“My short time in society was enough to see that fact,” Kaori nodded, her voice soft, soothing. It was imperative she let him know she was listening. Attentive to the story he entrusted to her after so many years of secrecy and lies.
Grateful for her understanding he gave a half-hearted smile, a soft twinkle in his eyes. A hint of his usual self showing through. “It is worse than you could possibly imagine,” he sighed. “But then the gods saw fit to place Malita in my path. The lovely Lady Orith. Every man at court wanted her, so of course I made it my goal to win her affection. Little did I know, she liked to play at the same game as I. My title succeeded in securing her interest for a while and her beauty left me blinded. There was something about Malita that made me desire her more than any woman I had ever known. I doted on her. Buying her expensive gifts. Clothes. Jewels. I was convinced she was the woman I was destined to marry. But her eye had fallen on another man. One whose wealth exceeded my own.”
Kaori couldn’t help but laugh at the thought. Exceeded his own? There was only one man whose wealth surpassed that of the Losuva family. But that couldn’t be. This was so long ago perhaps another family had at one time shared a similar position to Therek. “I…” she couldn’t bring herself to ask. It was too horrible to consider.
“The look in your eye tells me that you already know the identity of the man.”
Appalled by what she was hearing, Kaori stood, mouth agape, her heart aching at the betrayal Therek indicated. “The Emperor…”
“Well, Sulel wasn’t Emperor at the time,” he frowned. “It was undecided which of us would ascend the throne. His father had begun seeking counsel in regards to Sulel’s behavior and temperament which sparked rumors that I would be crowned the next Emperor, but nothing was confirmed. Sulel seduced her with a promise of marriage and assurances that he would succeed his father. He didn’t love her. He just wanted to take what I had. To show me that he was my superior. And like a fool, she crawled into his bed.”
“Sweet Sarid,” Kaori breathed. Nothing else felt appropriate in response to such a horrible story. “I am so sorry, Therek.”
The pain visible in the depths of Therek’s eyes deepened to hear her say his name, though she couldn’t be sure why. It seemed trivial for him to be so focused on the use of his name when there were far more painful memories floating about inside his head. Gathering his composure Therek idly straightened the creased fabric of his shirt, spots of dirt stained into the material from the days he’d spent on the road. “Their affair did not last long. A month. Maybe two. Honestly, I cannot be sure. Grief made the weeks blend together until I barely knew day from night. Love is a terrible feeling. One I pray you are never burdened to carry.”
“It cannot be so bad when the feeling is reciprocated,” Kaori argued. She wanted to wrap her arms around him in that moment. Tell him everything would be okay. It was amazing to think that his past could still haunt him to this extent. “From what I hear, she did not deserve your love,” she added, not intending to speak the words out loud. Quickly, she bit down on her lower lip, silencing herself before she could say anything more. Her personal feelings for Therek were no reason to insult a woman he cared so much for. It certainly wouldn’t improve her image in Therek’s eyes.
“Perhaps you are right,” he sank lower against the desk, clasping his hands absently to rest over his legs. “I convinced myself of the same before she showed up on my doorstep again. When Sulel grew bored, he sent Malita away from court so he would not have to see her again. She was devastated. Not by Sulel’s rejection, but because her impropriety left her in a delicate condition which threatened her reputation as a lady. Through her tears she begged me to take her back. Professing her undying love. I wanted to believe her, but I was so angry.” The force of his words revealed the emotion he still carried, his voice faltering slightly as he caught his breath, inhaling deeply to calm himself. “I didn’t want to be used. She didn’t love me, she just needed to attach herself to a man so no one would learn of her misdeeds. I told her how I felt. Called her every word for a whore that exists in the spoken language, human and Vor’shai alike. Told her she deserved whatever the gods did to her and ordered her removed from my sight.”
He fell silent, lost in thought at the memories. Kaori’s legs moved without conscious thought, coming to stand at Therek’s side. He didn’t notice her approach, looking up at her in mild confusion when her hand came to rest on his shoulder. “No one would blame you for your actions. I cannot say I would have done differently were I in your shoes.”
“I blame me,” he stated simply, a pained grimace marring his handsome features. “After she left I realized how cruel I had been. I loved her; or at least I was convinced I did. Love makes a man do things he doesn’t understand. I decided it was better to live my life with her regardless of whether she cared for me. It was my chance to have her back. So I went to her family’s estate to offer my apologies and tell her what an ass I had been. I intended to propose marriage. When I arrived, her father told me she was in the garden so I rushed outside to see her – only to find her dangling lifelessly from a rope she had tied to a tree near the center of the courtyard. By the time I cut her down, she was already beyond saving.”
It was all Kaori could do to restrain herself from pulling him into her. It was so tragic! She couldn’t imagine what must have gone through his head. To see the woman he loved hanging there, knowing his actions were what convinced her to place the rope around her neck. Yet still the girl wasn’t without fault. She had chosen to abandon Therek for Sulel. It was her decision to engage in the salacious activities and the gods saw fit to make her face the repercussions of her actions. He couldn’t beat himself up over something he played such a minor role in. Therek was as much a victim as the girl.
She squeezed Therek’s shoulder, not wanting to interrupt his story. He was deep in his thoughts, as if reliving the horror in his mind. “The physicians discovered the unborn child in her womb while preparing her body for the funeral rites. To protect her in death the way I failed to while she was alive, I told her family the child was mine. I insisted that she had come to me to tell me the news and I in turn accused her of infidelity. Given my reputation with women, it was easy to convince them that I refused to take responsibility for the child and spurned her request of marriage. It seemed better than telling them the truth of their daugh
ter’s affair with Sulel. Make myself the villain to avoid a scandal when Sulel’s relationship with his father was already tenuous. Carpaen respected Malita. I owed it to her to make sure they continued to do so.”
“And everyone just accepted it?” Kaori asked, unable to hold back the question. Sulel should have said something. The people at court must have seen her in his company.
Defeated, Therek gave a solemn nod, avoiding Kaori’s sympathetic gaze. “My reputation was fitting. People respect my title, not me. It was that which made me decide to become what I am now. Focus on my work instead of physical pleasure. No woman has lain in my bed since Malita. A hard lesson learned, I suppose. If I do not allow myself to love, I cannot hurt those who might become my victim.”
“You are a fool, Therek.” The sentence reached Kaori’s ears, causing her to cringe at the harshness of her tone. In her head she’d thought of so many more eloquent ways to make her point. Her mouth just didn’t always wait for her mind to determine if its words were appropriate.
Therek’s eyes opened wide, stiffening under Kaori’s touch as if only just reminded of her presence. “A fool?” he blinked, taken aback by the insult.
“Yes.” Just go with it. She had already opened her mouth. If he truly respected her brute honesty, he would forgive her inability to soften the blow of what she intended to say. “You owe her nothing. She betrayed your trust and took advantage of your love to use it for her benefit. Do you think she would have shown you the same courtesy were your roles reversed?”
“I…” It was Therek who was at a loss for what to say this time. He looked thoughtful. Confused by the revelation Kaori’s inquiry brought. “No. No, I cannot say that she would have.”
“And what of Sulel? Was he ever made aware of the truth?”
“She never said…”
The Myatheira Chronicles: Volume Four: In the Beginning Page 48