“I do not think I should, Kaori,” he said quietly, lowering his eyes to the floor, clearly uncomfortable. “Do not worry. I will remain here until you are asleep.”
“Just for a moment,” she beckoned him forward again, unwilling to let it go. After days of being alone in the darkness of her mind, she didn’t want to be by herself. To feel the emptiness of the bed around her. The chair was too far away. She needed to feel someone with her. To know she wasn’t alone.
She wasn’t used to seeing Therek look so uncertain. He was always the perfect image of confidence. Why did the thought of sitting on her bed make him tremble the way he did? “I…” he shook his head, taking a half-step forward, fighting with himself. “I suppose I could sit with you for a moment. But it cannot be long. The others will want to know that you have awoken.”
“Yes, yes of course,” she nodded, a smile brightening her face to see Therek moving toward her, kneeling on the bed to settle himself at her side. He remained seated, awkward, his breathing uneven. She couldn’t remember having seen a man look so uncomfortable in her presence. “I do not bite,” she laughed quietly. Lowering her head onto the pillow, she patted the mattress beside her. “You look exhausted, Therek. Please, make yourself comfortable or I shall never be able to sleep.”
Begrudgingly, he did as she asked, stiff in his motions, the muscles in his body tensed as if in preparation to run at any moment. It wasn’t until he was lying at her side that Kaori became fully aware of what she had done. What was wrong with her? A few nightmares weren’t enough to throw all propriety away like this. Even worse, she didn’t feel guilty. Nervous, perhaps, but not guilty. In her mind she kept picturing the way Therek had looked in her dream, color drained from his face, blood pouring from the wound in his chest, the sword still protruding from his heart. A shiver coursed through her spine at the memory, distracting her from the awkwardness of their current position. She didn’t want him to go. There was no telling what would happen to him if she let him out of her sight.
Without thinking she rolled onto her side, resting her head on Therek’s chest, grateful for the warmth of his body against her skin. She could hear his heart. Feel the pulse of his blood in his veins. He was alive. As long as he was there with her, she knew he was safe. She laid there for a long while, listening to the quickened rhythm of Therek’s heart, beating faster than seemed normal. Was he nervous?
Curious, she lifted her chin to glance at his face, finding his gaze focused on the ceiling, intentionally avoiding eye contact with her. She couldn’t help the soft chuckle that escaped her at the realization that she was making him so uneasy. The confident, strong, unbreakable Therek trembling at her touch. It was comical. If she wasn’t so afraid of him leaving, she might have taken the opportunity to poke fun at him, but somehow now didn’t seem the time. Mentioning his unease might frighten him away completely and that was the last thing she wanted.
Gently placing her hand on Therek’s abdomen she allowed her muscles to relax, sinking against the comfort of his strong form at her side. Lying there in silence she watched the rise and fall of his chest, the rhythmic beat of his heart almost hypnotizing. She barely noticed the soft touch of his fingers when they came to rest on her head, lightly stroking her hair, the sensation comforting, soothing, helping to lull her to sleep. In his arms she felt safe. He would protect her from any harm that might come. For the first time since her parents’ death she felt like the world around her had finally ceased its dizzying twirl, returned to some semblance of normalcy, even if only for the night.
The soft song of a bird outside the window drew Kaori from her slumber, her eyes fluttering open to see the first rays of the morning sun filtering through the room. It was a beautiful sight. Peaceful. For the first time in months she held no fear of the Carpaen soldiers coming after her. She could lie there and enjoy the beauty of the morning without having to worry about anything. The gods had granted her this moment of tranquility and she intended to enjoy every second of it.
Her hand moved to cover her mouth as she yawned, slowly feeling the remnants of sleep start to fade. When her fingers lifted from their resting place she stared at the fabric where her hand had been, admiring the golden buttons which adorned the material. It looked familiar, though she couldn’t place why it struck her so odd to see it there now. Vague images floated through her head, unsure if she’d actually awoken throughout the night or if it had all been nothing more than an incredibly vivid dream. Hesitant, she let her fingers lower back down, lightly rubbing the smooth, polished surface of the button nearest her head.
Gradually, she began to take in more of her surroundings, uncertainty building at the number of things which felt out of place. It was no pillow upon which her head lay. The weight she felt over her hair reminded her of the gentle touch which soothed her to sleep, though when she recalled it, she found it difficult to believe it was true. “Therek?”
Nervously, she tried to lift her head, afraid to move too quickly in fear of startling him. The steady beat of his heart was slower than when she first laid upon him. More relaxed. She hated to wake him. Afraid he would be angry to discover that he had fallen asleep and failed to make the preparations necessary to begin his trip to Carpaen. What if he was mad at her? She may have asked him to lay with her, but she couldn’t be blamed for him falling asleep.
Careful not to make any sudden movements she brought her hand up to where Therek’s fingers remained somewhat threaded into her hair, gently removing them to rest on the bed and allow her more freedom to maneuver. This time it was her heart which raced, thinking over all the reasons why she shouldn’t be where she was. She’d been out of her mind to ask Therek to lie with her. Harmless or not, it was indecorous to have made the request. Why he let her convince him it was alright, she may never understand. Therek was a smart man. Chivalrous. Had she really been so persuasive that he found himself unable to say no despite the numerous reasons why he should have turned around and walked out of the room in offense at her indecency?
Shifting her weight onto her elbow she propped herself up, no longer comfortable with the thought of her head touching him in any way. He needed to go. As much as she hated to wake him, the proper thing to do was think of a way to rouse him from his slumber and politely ask him to leave her private chambers. They could discuss their behavior at another time when they weren’t anywhere near this bed.
“Therek?” Her voice was too quiet. She knew he would never hear her if she didn’t speak up but for some reason she couldn’t bring herself to say it any louder. What if someone was outside the door and heard her speak? The last thing she wanted was to have anyone come in and see the two of them together like this. She would have to think of a different way to wake him. There had to be something she could do that wouldn’t jar him too abruptly. Part of her feared what he might do if she didn’t let him awaken on his own. They were in the middle of what was soon to become a war. For him to react violently to an unexpected hand upon him wasn’t out of the question.
Biting her lower lip she tried to slide further up on the bed, leaning over Therek to observe his face. He was deep in his slumber. No doubt exhausted from days of watching over her while she was sick. She couldn’t help but think that her movement might have otherwise been enough to disturb him. Instead, he remained unconscious, his breathing steady, slow. “Therek?” It was nothing more than a whisper, her hand coming to rest lightly against Therek’s cheek. He stirred slightly at her touch, his head rolling toward her, eyes closed, inhaling a deep breath before relaxing into the soft feathers of the pillow once again.
This wasn’t working. She had to do something to get his attention without alerting anyone else in the house to the fact that anything was going on. Lowering her lips closer to Therek’s ear she decided to try one last time. If he couldn’t be roused gently, she would be forced to resort to a more direct approach. She just wasn’t sure she was prepared for the repercussions that might bring. “Therek, wake up.”
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nbsp; She jumped to feel Therek’s hand grasp her wrist, tugging it away from his face in a sudden, unexpected motion. Losing her balance she fell forward, her weight descending atop Therek’s chest, nearly slamming her head into his before she managed to catch herself. Caught off guard, she didn’t have a chance to say anything, finding herself staring into the bright azure glow of Therek’s eyes, unable to look away. They were mesmerizing. Beautiful. The familiar sensation likes sparks between the two of them left her breathless, knowing she should try to move away but at the same time wanting nothing more than to stay. His lips were so close. Tempting her. Reminding her of why she never should have allowed them to end up in this position.
It was Therek who moved first, though not in the way Kaori expected. She was prepared for him to push her away, angered by the discovery that he was still in Namorea. Instead, she felt his free hand reach up to her neck, pulling her to him, their lips meeting in a moment of frenzied passion. Kaori’s thoughts came to a screeching halt, her eyes open wide in a combination of fear and excitement. She didn’t know what to do. Her head told her to push him away while her heart urged her to stay. In the end it was her heart that won the battle, though mainly for the fact that she couldn’t bring herself to move. The room was spinning. She couldn’t focus on anything but Therek’s lips, the gentle pressure of them against hers, his hand holding her to him, entangled in her hair as he rolled her onto her back.
Oh gods. What do I do? The question repeated itself over and over in her mind, receiving no answer in response. She wasn’t entirely sure what the right answer would be. It was too confusing. Should she stop him? Should she let him continue? Her experience with men was non-existent. She didn’t know the first thing about kissing or what was expected of her in a situation such as this if she allowed it to continue. Her hands acted as if by instinct, wrapping around Therek, returning the pressure of his lips. Fear was beginning to creep further into the forefront of her mind, clouding the enjoyment she wanted to take in feeling Therek there in her arms. The door was unlocked. They were making noise. Someone was sure to hear them and come to check on the commotion. What would the others think if they came in and found the two of them? And what exactly do you intend to do if no one interrupts?
That was the burning question in her mind. In truth, she had no idea. She was running blindly into a situation that she was quickly losing control over. Therek’s hands ran along the side of her body, his touch sending chills down her spine, physically pleasing while frightening her mentally. “Therek,” she exhaled, finally managing to pull away enough to catch her breath. Her heart raced at an alarming speed. If she didn’t get herself under control, she feared she might lose consciousness. The illness wasn’t completely expelled from her system. Overexerting herself didn’t seem the best idea.
At the sound of her voice Therek’s hands immediately released her, his head snapping upward, leaning back to separate from Kaori, an expression of utter horror twisting his usually handsome features. “By the gods, Kaori, I am… I am sorry. Please… forgive me,” he stammered. Averting his eyes, he slid backward across the bed, struggling to untangle himself from the blankets to find his way to his feet.
Hand on her chest, Kaori fought to get her breathing under control. The room was still spinning. No matter how hard she tried, she couldn’t bring Therek into focus, her free hand reaching toward the blurred figure in her sights that she could only assume was him. “It is okay,” she assured him, wishing she could conceal the tremble in her voice. It would be difficult to convince him that she wasn’t upset by his actions if she couldn’t get herself together. “Please, do not distance yourself so. You make me feel as if I have done something wrong.”
“You?” Therek breathed. “My dear, you have done nothing wrong. It is I… you must hate me. I do not know what came over me.”
Something about his response struck her as odd. More personal than she was used to, especially from him. My dear… “I do not hate you,” she replied quietly, peering at him to try and see his face better through her distorted vision. Her heart was finally starting to slow. The distance between them helped in that regard. She just wished there was something she could do or say which would help ease the panic that was so evident in Therek’s tone. “While your actions were unexpected, they were not – well, I cannot say they were unwanted.” There. She’d said it. Now all that was left to do was wait for whatever Therek would have to say in response to her admission.
He was quiet at first. The sound of his frenetic movement ceased, the only noise which filled the room that of the bird still singing its song outside the window. Kaori found herself praying he would say something. Anything to make her not regret having spoken her feelings out loud. For so long she’d fought to keep her attraction toward Therek to herself, afraid of what he might do if he found out. She couldn’t help feeling that the passion he exhibited while holding her in his arms was proof that he must reciprocate those emotions, even if only minimal.
“I… I must go.”
Kaori’s mouth hung agape, bewildered by Therek’s response. He must go? After what he had done, she deserved more of a response than that. “No,” she shook her head, unable to conceal the indignation in her voice. “You do not get to kiss me and then run off without some kind of explanation.”
At her words Therek released a ragged breath, his head tilting backward to gaze up at the ceiling. “I wish I had an explanation to give,” he replied quietly, the sound of his voice so soft that she couldn’t be mad at him for the implication his words gave. Although it came across as if he was denying there to be anything between them, the expression on his face revealed otherwise, making it clear that there was more behind his statement than it seemed.
“You have no explanation?” she pressed, anxious for him to say more. He was hiding something. The awkwardness of the moment was making it hard for either of them to think clearly. “Surely there is something you can give me before you run off. I never took you to be a coward around women.”
“A coward? No,” Therek lowered his gaze to meet Kaori’s eyes for the first time since leaving her there on the bed. “While there are many things I would like nothing more than to tell you, we simply do not have the luxury of time – and I assure you any explanation I could give is not possible to present while under the constraints placed upon me. I was supposed to be on my way to Carpaen more than a day ago now. If I do not present myself to the Ambassador soon, he may be less inclined to offer his assistance.”
An ache in Kaori’s chest caused her to lean forward, clutching tighter over her heart as if it might somehow make the pain stop. Never before had someone’s words injured her the way his did now. Damn her and her emotions! Everything was so much easier before she accepted the way she felt for Therek. But it was too late to go back on it. She couldn’t return to being the naïve girl she once was. She was a woman, more than capable of knowing her own heart, and her heart wanted nothing more than to hear Therek tell her that he felt the same. Why was that so difficult for him? Unless… What if he doesn’t reciprocate your feelings? “You prefer to leave me with nothing, then?”
“We can discuss it when I return…”
“And what if you do not return?”
“Now is simply not the time,” Therek’s shoulders bowed forward as if under some invisible burden, weighing him down until he could no longer maintain his perfect posture. “I cannot make promises to you when there are so many uncertainties. It would only complicate… us. And in the event that I do not return, this will perhaps spare you unnecessary heartache.”
Swallowing hard, Kaori lifted her chin, determined not to let him see the pain she experienced. His words were like several tiny daggers plunging into her chest. She didn’t like the feeling. If this was what love felt like, she didn’t want to feel it any longer. “That is it, then?” she inquired, blinking to force back the tears threatening to fall. “I am to let you walk out of this room and believe that I mean nothing to you?”
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She took pleasure in seeing Therek’s resolve falter, his legs moving him back toward the bed before he seemed to think better of it, pausing beside the mattress to stare down at Kaori, the glow of his eyes dimming with misery. “Never believe that you mean nothing to me, Kaori,” he replied, quiet yet firm, holding her gaze steady. “Emotions complicate things. Distract from matters which are of greater import. I have already proven that by putting off my departure for Carpaen. We will never win this battle if we do not keep our minds focused. Once the worst has passed, it may be possible to discuss the extent of our feelings and where we desire to go from there. Until then, all I can do is apologize and beg your forgiveness for my moment of weakness.”
There was nothing she could say in response. In many ways, he was right, as usual. They were preparing for war. Love had no place in their current plans. Had it not been for her foolishness, this never would have happened, and neither of them would suffer the way they did at that moment. As much as she wanted to hate him and insist he leave her quarters, she knew it would be unreasonable to hold his actions against him. She was as much to blame as he. “Very well,” she nodded, keeping her voice low in case their argument had drawn the attention of their friends. It would only serve to worsen their predicament if anyone else discovered what transpired between them.
Hopeful, Therek’s eyes brightened, a hint of his usual confidence starting to return. “You forgive me, then?”
“Under one condition.” Defiant, Kaori lifted herself onto her knees, sliding across the bed to kneel in front of Therek where he stood beside the mattress. It was cruel to torment him this way, but she didn’t care. She considered it no different than the way he tormented her with his request to leave their feelings for one another unspoken until they had won a war they both knew was unlikely to be won.
The Myatheira Chronicles: Volume Four: In the Beginning Page 67