The heat from the fireplace felt good against Kaori’s skin where she stood in one of the spacious rooms within Ramis’s home. As the sun sank below the horizon it had become unusually cold, the servants within the home seeming to blame it on the surrounding mountains. She wasn’t entirely sure of the logic behind their assumption and the language barrier made asking questions near impossible, so it was easier to assume it had something to do with the elevation.
For the first time in weeks she was beginning to feel like herself again. The infection had finally passed, her energy gradually returning with every passing day. Scars remained on many areas of her skin where the worst of her injuries had been inflicted by Deliao and his men but for the most part she was pleased with the improvement. Even her weight had begun to balance though she could still see a noticeable difference between her current and former self. She was more slender than before yet more muscular. Better conditioned for the battle they prepared to fight. Ramis had been gracious enough to offer his tutelage during her time in Namorea, passing the long afternoons in training when they found themselves free of meetings and social obligations.
She had learned her lesson about allowing friends to accompany her where business was concerned. Negotiations and political gatherings were far easier to accomplish without anyone there to distract her. She knew Liurn was hurt more by her decision than the others, but she believed he brought it upon himself. With the way he behaved during their first visit to the Namiren palace, he couldn’t possibly have expected her to allow him an opportunity to embarrass their people again. Yelling at her in front of the guards and courtiers. By the time she had finally given up and walked away, the intensity of their argument had drawn the curious eyes of half the men and women who had been within the foyer. Even Ramis heard word of the confrontation prior to exiting the palace and chose to place Liurn outside the carriage with the coachman to avoid further altercations on their way home.
Liurn. Just the thought of his name reminded her of the vexation he caused. She had barely spoken to him since that day at the palace. As far as she was concerned there was nothing left to say. He was acting like a child. Treating the rebellion as if it was some toy that no one would let him play with. He expected authority granted to him simply because he’d been there from the start – and while Kaori understood his feelings on the matter, she also had to take into consideration his behavior. The mentality he exhibited throughout it all. He lacked the maturity of so many others who fought by her side. Choosing those who would lead the army wasn’t just about who was there longest. It required careful consideration and strategy. At the moment, he just didn’t fit the mold.
Heaving a long disheartened sigh Kaori let her hand come to rest over the mantel, head hung low, lost deep in the chaos of her thoughts. She needed to get herself together. Ramis had arranged a meeting which would take place within the hour and she couldn’t go into it with her mind so scattered. Too much time had passed since Therek’s departure to Carpaen. They had to start making decisions and preparing their own return to the mainland before much longer. She just didn’t want to consider the daunting task which lay ahead of her. In Therek’s absence, she was left with no choice but to appoint someone else as general. It angered her to no end that Liurn was the only other Vor’shai she could think of to present the title. Koyl was a strong fighter and a great soldier, but he was better at taking orders than giving them. Nichele was near the top of her list though her somewhat abrasive personality made her less loved by those who would serve under her. A better choice for commander or lieutenant. All she knew was that whoever she chose had to be a pureblood Vor’shai. This was more their battle than anyone else’s. The men and women would fight harder for one of their own.
The decision was made worse by the pain she suffered to think that Therek might have fallen prey to Deliao while she and the others played politics thousands of miles away. Her heart was breaking at the thought of the loss while her mind was forced to find a replacement as if he was so easily disposed of. In all honesty, she knew Therek couldn’t be replaced. None of the other men held a candle to him. He never should have been allowed to make the journey to Carpaen, knowing the danger he placed himself in by doing so. Someone else should have taken the task. Someone whose identity was less – high-profile. Unlikely to be spotted by Deliao’s men. Therek was too well-known. He would stand out in a crowd to anyone, human and Vor’shai alike.
She wasn’t sure what she would do if anything happened to Therek. The thought alone ate away at her, leaving her sick. It was a strange feeling. One she didn’t much care for. When this all began she never anticipated her feelings would evolve the way they did. She’d hated Therek. From the night they met he grated on her nerves worse than anyone she had ever known. He was impossible. Arrogant, at times. But he’d proven to her that it was nothing more than an act. A façade he put on to protect himself from those who would seek to take advantage of his kind heart. Over the months she’d managed to break through his walls and discovered a man who cared more for the people around him than about himself.
“I hope I am not interrupting.”
Kaori’s heart jumped at the sound of Liurn’s voice, her head snapping up from where she stared into the flames of the fireplace, an immediate wash of irritation coming over her to realize who was there. “Not at all,” she lied, hoping he wouldn’t notice the agitation in her tone. She didn’t want to talk with him right now. Her heart was too heavy at the thought of Therek’s fate. If Liurn insisted on casting further insults toward the man she loved, she wasn’t sure she would be able to exercise restraint.
His steps were less confident than usual as he moved further into the room, watching Kaori closely with every stride until he stood directly in front of her, hesitant, as if afraid she might strike at him. And with good reason. Given her current opinion of Liurn, she wasn’t sure that she wouldn’t.
“We need to talk,” he stated quietly. His eyes stayed on her, falling silent for a moment to gauge her reaction before continuing. “I may have been out of line last time we spoke.”
“May have?” Kaori raised her brow inquisitively. If he had come there to make peace, he wasn’t getting off to a good start. The first step to an apology was admitting error. If he wasn’t willing to accept that he was in the wrong, it didn’t bode well for the rest of the conversation.
Nervously, he averted his gaze, staring down at the floor in defeat. “Well, I suppose I was. I just…” his voice trailed off. Deep in thought over what he wanted to say. Cautious of the words he chose. “I do not want to fight with you, Kaori. You must know by now that I care a great deal for you and that has made this – very difficult.”
Her heart nearly stopped dead in her chest to hear Liurn speak. This couldn’t be happening. Not right now. She wasn’t prepared to handle what she feared her friend intended to divulge. “Liurn –”
“No, please,” he cut in, raising his hand to stop her. “I must tell you this now before it is too late.”
“It really is not necessary.” She had to stop him. It was one thing for her to suspect what Liurn wanted to say but it would change everything if she actually allowed him to speak it out loud. There were only so many things a man would desire to tell a woman when in the position they were in now. Most of which would end poorly for her and Liurn both where their friendship was concerned.
Pressing onward despite the protests, Liurn appeared oblivious to the panic-stricken look in Kaori’s eyes pleading with him to stop. If only he would look up! “From the moment I laid eyes on you, I have been captivated. A prisoner to your exquisite beauty, unlike that of any other woman in Carpaen. Many times I have caught myself dreaming of one day asking you to be my wife.”
His words struck Kaori like a boulder, knocking the wind from her lungs at the fervency with which he spoke. His wife? It was even worse than she feared! She couldn’t let him continue in this way but Liurn didn’t give her a chance to interrupt, furthering his confession wi
th absolute commitment to his emotions.
“At first I was convinced that you shared these feelings for me. The way your eyes lit up when you saw me. You included me in your planning, trusting me to be there by your side. But something changed, Kaori. I have watched it happen right under my nose – and quite frankly, I am in fear for your safety.” Liurn’s shoulders drooped as if under some great burden while his eyes lifted to meet Kaori’s gaze, urgent in their steady stare. “I know you are friends with Therek. It is the only reason I have chosen to bite my tongue so many times when you speak of him.”
Instantly Kaori’s concern for the course of the conversation shifted to irritation, her eyes rolling heavenward, fighting back a sarcastic laugh at what Liurn was saying. He had bit his tongue in regards to Therek? Clearly he wasn’t biting hard enough… “What does any of this have to do with Therek?” she asked quickly to try and get the words in before Liurn starting speaking again.
Not expecting the inquiry Liurn stared at Kaori, stammering slightly before regaining control of his vocal cords. “It has everything to do with him,” he exhaled, a mild tremor noticeable in his words. “At first you showed nothing but contempt for that man but lately that has not been the case. Your eyes light up at the sight of him while seeming to overlook my presence. When he speaks you hang off his every syllable while commanding me to be silent. Did you not hear the warnings Davian and I gave?”
“I heard them,” she replied, keeping her tone steady. Calm. For the moment Liurn was handling the issue with civility, albeit forced. He deserved the same in return. “For a while I believed you. I passed judgment on him based on mere rumors but that was not fair to Therek.”
“Not fair?” Liurn gawked. “You heard what he did to that poor woman. Do you think that was fair to her?”
“You know nothing of what transpired between those two…”
“I heard of it from those who were witness to the things he did with women. What he would do to you if given a chance.”
“Liurn, stop.” She couldn’t let this go on. Whatever point Liurn had come there to make was quickly becoming lost in his heated tangent. “I don’t know what you have against Therek but it needs to end now. That man has been your friend for years and it pains me to see the way you talk about him behind his back. The way you throw his kindness in his face. You claim to care for me, yet I see how easily you turned on a man you once considered your best friend. How can I be sure you wouldn’t do the same to me?”
At her words Liurn’s expression fell, the anger in his eyes winking out of existence. She was anxious to hear what he would say in defense. It was time for an explanation. She only hoped he had a good one.
Defeated, Liurn hung his head, unable to look her in the eye. “You’re right,” he sighed, shrugging his shoulders in acceptance of the truth. The admission hung on the air for a moment before he continued, Kaori’s eyes settled on him in wait of what more he might have to say. “I’m not proud of my behavior, Kaori. What you have to understand is that my feelings for you run deeper than my friendship with Therek ever did. I view him as a threat to you – to us. A man like him would ruin you. Destroy the light I see in your eyes when I look at you. I would never forgive myself if I sat by and watched him take advantage of you the way he did those other women. To think of you ending up like poor Malita Orith…”
“You honestly think me that weak-minded? That I am incapable of handling myself with a man?”
“You are young, Kaori –”
“But I am not a fool.” She shook her head, drawing in a deep breath to steady the emotions Liurn’s confession brought out in her. It was offensive to think he thought so low of her. His heart was in the right place but she didn’t want a man who would coddle her. Smother her under his wing. She was a free spirit and that would never change no matter how hard Sulel might try to break her. “I do not wish to hurt your feelings but as your friend I must tell you that you are acting like a child. Letting jealousy rule your actions. It is destroying your reputation. Before I saw how far you have fallen to your emotions, I would have named you as my general without hesitation. Yet now – facing the possibility that Therek may never return…” her voice trailed off, her emotions at the thought of Therek’s fate creating a knot in her throat, nearly choking her. It was harder to speak of it out loud than to merely consider the possibility in her head. “I…I am uncertain if you could… handle the responsibilities.”
The expression on Liurn’s face contorted into one of utter agony to see the pain in Kaori’s eyes. She tried not to look at him, hating herself for not being able to stay strong and fight the fear which lingered in the back of her mind. Baring her heart and soul in regards to Therek was the last thing she wanted to do. At least with Liurn. It wasn’t fair. The man had just professed his love for her. She couldn’t repay his honesty by making him listen to her weep over another man. Especially when that man was the very one he was determined to keep her from.
Shifting her gaze away from Liurn, Kaori stared into the dancing flames of the fireplace. They were almost beautiful in the way they swayed back and forth over the logs, their warmth pleasant and inviting. Easy to lose herself in. Maybe Liurn would be too hurt by the truth and decide to walk away to leave her with her misery. She deserved it after the way she treated him. Instead, he did the exact opposite of what she expected, his hand reaching out to rest upon her shoulder, moving closer to cast a sympathetic glance in her direction before diverting his eyes to the floor once again.
“You love him.”
It wasn’t a question. His words were a factual statement, and he knew it. She didn’t feel the need to try and convince him otherwise. Closing her eyes she gave a slight nod, wishing in that instant that their conversation could have remained focused on Liurn’s jealousy instead of turning to the painful truth she was forced now to admit. “We do not need to discuss it,” she whispered. Offering Liurn a means to escape the topic if he didn’t wish to talk about it.
“Perhaps not,” Liurn agreed, his hand remaining gentle upon Kaori’s shoulder. Comforting. Soft. More like the man he’d been when she first met him than the judgmental ass he’d become over the past few months. “While I prefer not to torture myself with the details of your feelings for another man, I cannot deny my curiosity – and my concern.”
“There is no reason for you to be concerned.”
“With that man, there is always reason to fear his intentions…” he swallowed hard, clearing his throat uncomfortably at the sight of Kaori’s head lifting to stare at him, mouth open in preparation to scold him for his biting remark. Cutting her off before she could say anything he shook his head, apologetic for the unintended slight. “I mean that in the most rational sense, the way one must be concerned about the intentions of any man who takes an interest in a beautiful, young… innocent woman.”
She was amused by the description of herself Liurn painted. The only part of his statement she could agree with was the fact that she remained young in comparison to the men in her company. “The blood of Sulel’s soldiers is thick upon my hands, Liurn. I would never call myself innocent.”
“I…” a sound like pathetic laughter reached Kaori’s ears from where Liurn stood at her side, his eyes downcast to stare hard into the fire as if intentionally avoiding making contact with her curious gaze. “That was not what I meant.”
She let her inquisitive stare remain on him, ignoring the unease he suddenly exhibited in being so close to her. Something about the conversation was making him uncomfortable. She just didn’t understand what. “What did you mean, then? You think me naïve?”
“I think you are inexperienced when it comes to men,” he replied sharply. As he forced his eyes from the fire he let his hand slip away from Kaori’s shoulder, creating a gap between them before saying what was on his mind. “Purity is a trait which is rarely found with the women at court. When a girl is discovered to possess such a virtue, men hunt her for sport simply for the thrill they get in taking
that from her. I have witnessed it, therefore I feel justified in my concern that Therek may not have the purest intentions with you.”
“Oh.” Kaori could feel the blood rising to her face at the realization of what Liurn meant. What was it with men and sex? Did they think of nothing else? “Do not worry yourself about that,” she assured him, desperate to change the subject. “It is not like that with Therek. Such things have never come up between us.”
She knew it was a lie. Many times she’d felt an attraction for Therek which could easily lead to the physical acts Liurn implied. Even the day he left for Carpaen she had nearly given herself to him so completely and without question. In his company, she didn’t trust herself. Self-control wasn’t as easy to exercise when the body decided it wanted something, regardless of whether it was appropriate.
If Liurn read the truth in her eyes, he didn’t show it, looking her over with the familiar sadness which had filled his gaze since coming to stand by the fire. “If it is not like that with Therek, then tell me what it is which draws you to him. Is this somehow my fault? I… perhaps I should have known better than to make him sound so unobtainable. It is natural to desire that which we are told we cannot have.”
“It is not that simple.”
“You hated him, Kaori. I refuse to accept that I misread you so completely.”
“I never denied it,” she shrugged. It was true. Honesty was the best course in this conversation if she had any hope in salvaging their friendship. Liurn had gathered the courage to admit how he felt about her. Telling him the truth in return might ease the heartache her rejection caused. “There were many factors which made me dislike him when we first met. Most of which were misplaced due to my foolishness. You were not wrong about my contempt toward him, much the same as you weren’t wrong about my initial interest in you.” Inhaling a deep breath, she began to question whether her decision to say any of this was the best choice. His heart was still vulnerable. She risked giving him false hope by admitting to feeling anything for him, however brief it may have been.
The Myatheira Chronicles: Volume Four: In the Beginning Page 72