At her admission, Therek’s expression softened, concern replaced with a sympathetic smile that looked out of place on his usually stern features. “Do not worry yourself on that,” he let his hand extend toward her face, gently lifting Kaori’s chin to look her in the eye. “I understood your anger. Were I a man with a talent for words, I may have been capable of expressing my emotions better. You caught me off guard with your proposal. I am… not accustomed to women like you. Most likely because there are no others.”
“It does not excuse my actions, however. Forget what I said about it being too late. If you still love me, tell me so now. Do not let me die without knowing if your heart belongs to me.”
“I told you, Kaori. I am not good with words.”
“Then do not use them,” she pressed, stepping forward until her body brushed lightly against the fabric of Therek’s doublet. Her heart raced. She no longer knew what her intentions were in this conversation. Everything was a blur, her mind unable to focus on anything but Therek’s hand upon her face, feeling his finger slide out from under her chin to lightly caress the skin of her cheek. It sent chills down her spine, neck tilted back, seeming to melt at his touch.
He looked torn, the way he stared down at her, his expression a mixture of both pleasure and pain. Kaori felt his hand tense as if to pull her toward him. She wanted to scream as she felt him hesitate, the tips of his fingers slowly starting to slip away. “I… I cannot.”
Surprising herself with the speed of her hand she caught Therek’s fingers in her grasp, preventing him from stepping back. “You can. Why do you not kiss me now the way you did before?”
“I am afraid –”
“Of what?”
“Because I…” he grimaced, inhaling a deep breath. “I fear I would not be able to stop.”
“That is what I am counting on.”
What was she saying? She heard the words come from her mouth before she could stop them, frightened by the connotation of what she said. It was far more suggestive than intended when she decided to bring Therek here. All she wanted was to hear him say he loved her. Now she could think of nothing but feeling his lips upon hers. His hands sliding over her body the way they had in Namorea when he awoke in her bed. Shivers coursed through her spine at the memory, a strange tingle rushing along her skin from head-to-toe. She wanted to feel it again. If they were to die on the battlefield, she wanted to leave this world without regret for having left anything undone between them. They didn’t need a ceremony of rings and rehearsed vows to be together. She loved him. And if he felt the same, she required nothing further to consider them man and wife.
Startled by what Kaori implied, Therek withdrew his hand from Kaori’s grasp, staring at her in horrified disbelief. “You know not what you say.”
“I may not have experience in that which I suggest, but it does not mean I am ignorant.”
“Ignorant, no, but you are unprepared for the consequences.”
“Consequences?” she gasped. “You think I am too young to know what the act entails? The bond it represents?”
“You know not what it can do to a woman emotionally. It could ruin you, Kaori. In more ways than one.”
“It will not ruin me.”
“What if someone discovered our transgression? No man would consider marriage to a woman who had already been… deflowered.”
“You speak as if you have no intention of having me beyond a single night.” Offended by what Therek inferred, Kaori took a step back, her resolve shaken to think she offered herself to a man who had no desire to love her the way she convinced herself he did. “Perhaps your reputation is not as misleading as you once made me believe.”
Therek’s face revealed what resembled physical pain at the insult. Fists clenched at his sides, he moved forward to undo the distance Kaori placed between them. She gasped to feel his hands grab onto her biceps, pulling her closer until his lips were nearly upon hers. “I want nothing more than to have you for myself, but I am not foolish enough to think I will survive this war. Consider what will happen if I die. Life will go on without me and I refuse to be the reason you are forced to live out your days alone.”
“And what if I die? Would you have no regret in that you denied me your love as your final act in my life?”
“I do not deny you my love,” his voice softened, eyes locked on Kaori’s steady gaze. “I simply do not wish to hurt you.”
She could feel his breathing quicken. Her own breaths came in short, hasty gasps, staring up at Therek, emotions wild. His lips were so close! It would be so easy to lean forward. Stop him from speaking by pressing her mouth against his. He claimed to love her. Why, then, was it so difficult to let go of his damnable sense of chivalry and kiss her? “Do you love me?”
It was a simple thing to ask, yet more important than anything else which could possibly be said between them. For so long they played this game, pushing each other away only to then try and pull the other back. Kaori was tired of it. She wanted an answer, once and for all. If he couldn’t look her in the eye and tell her that he loved her, she would walk away and never allow herself to love another man again. It wasn’t worth the misery.
At Kaori’s question, Therek stared at her, the pain in his eyes building until he looked as if he might cry. She waited nervously, holding her breath in fear of what he might say. His answer could change everything. It meant more to her than anything in that moment, her anxiety building until she couldn’t take it anymore. Why does he not speak? “Therek…” she urged again, more desperate than before. “Do you love me?”
“More than life itself.”
She didn’t have a chance to respond as Therek’s lips descended upon hers, the passion in his embrace enhancing the emotion behind the words he spoke. Her heart fluttered to realize what was happening. He loved her. The pressure of his mouth against hers made it feel as if this was what the gods intended. All the uncertainty she felt throughout her life vanished in that instant as Therek guided her toward the blankets of Kaori’s makeshift bed, their bodies entwined, stumbling backward onto the soft fabric. For once, she believed she was making the right decision. The future remained unknown, darkness looming over them for the danger they faced, but for that night Kaori could let it all go. There would be time to worry about their fate later. Right now they had each other and that was the only thing that mattered until Sarid chose to bring the morning sun.
Light from outside filtered through the fabric of the tent as Kaori’s eyes opened. It felt as if she’d only just drifted off to sleep though she knew time passed despite her wishes for it to stand still. By her side she could feel the warmth of Therek’s body pressed against hers, his muscular arm draped around her waist where he held her tightly to his chest, the steady sound of his restful breathing hypnotic to Kaori’s senses. She didn’t want to wake him. If she could have called off the entire war without costing her people everything, she would have done it. For a single night she knew what it was like to be truly happy. And while it made the task before her more difficult to convince herself to get up and do, it also gave her a new purpose to push onward to victory. They had to win this war if she wanted to have any chance at being with Therek. Thinking it was merely easier than accomplishing it.
From behind her she felt Therek draw in a deep breath, arms squeezing Kaori tighter against him with a gentle pressure of his lips upon the back of her neck. Relaxing into the comfort of his embrace she closed her eyes, savoring the moment in fear of forgetting a single detail if she let it slip by. Therek held her there for several minutes, both of them aware that they needed to get up soon but neither one willing to leave the warmth of the blankets.
“It is exactly as I feared,” Therek frowned, breaking the silence with a long, disheartened sigh. Worry filled Kaori’s heart at his words, afraid to discover that his concern had something to do with her.
Twisting around in Therek’s arms she gazed up at him, making no attempt to conceal the distress in her eyes. “
What is wrong? Was I… did I do something wrong?”
The sound of Therek’s laughter left her feeling uneasy, unsure how she should feel about his response. Did he think it funny? She failed to see how he could find humor in their situation unless she had failed to do something to please him throughout the night which he prepared to poke fun at her for now. “My dear, you were wonderful,” he replied, increasing the pressure of his arms around her midsection. “It is just – I do not wish to leave you but our people are waiting for us. My unit will be ready to depart in a few hours and there is still much I must do before I leave.”
“I wish you did not have to go,” Kaori grimaced in painful realization of the difficulty they faced. Somehow their actions left her desiring Therek’s company more instead of helping ease her thoughts away from him and onto the matters she needed to focus on.
“Remember it is only temporary,” he assured, slowly forcing his arms away from her to sit up on the makeshift bed. “Once we defeat Sulel, you and I will have plenty of time to spend in each other’s arms. Until then, we must double our efforts to secure your kingdom.”
“My kingdom.” It sounded so strange yet discouraging. Therek had given her the Empire on a silver platter but it felt empty somehow. Her parents wouldn’t be there to witness the honor she brought to their family. And Sivar… he had given his life so she could fight this war and he wouldn’t have a chance to experience the freedom for which he made his sacrifice. There was nothing left of her home in Rothdara, burned to the ground by Deliao and his men. She was a queen with thousands of subjects but no home and no family. How was she to rule an entire country when she had nothing?
Noticing the sadness in her voice Therek turned to look at her, leaning forward to place a soft kiss upon her forehead. “You sound melancholy. Have I upset you in some way?”
She gazed into his eyes, shaking her head in a vehement show of disagreement. Of everything she found herself discouraged with, Therek was the only thing she had which made her feel as if her life wasn’t completely devoid of happiness. “It is not you,” she brought her hand up to cup her palm over the side of Therek’s face with a loving smile. “I was just thinking about how little my supposed kingdom holds for me. Our victory will not bring my family back, nor will it rebuild my home from the ashes in Rothdara.”
“Let my home in Siundel be your palace. There is plenty of room for you to build a court and conduct your business.”
“Therek, I…”
“We can add to the structure to make it more suited for a queen. The walls can be extended further into the gardens for your private chambers and passageways constructed in case you must leave the home in a manner of stealth. Consider my land yours.”
Hope filled her heart to hear Therek speak so eagerly about joining their lives so completely. He wanted her to live with him in Siundel. Help rebuild the home to serve as their palace. It was almost too good to be true. Had he changed his mind about her request for marriage? “Does this mean you accept my proposal? Will you be my King?”
Her excitement dissipated instantly to see Therek’s smile fade, the azure glow of his eyes dimming with discontent. He looked wretched. Nothing like Kaori hoped.
“That remains no less complicated than when it was last discussed.”
Kaori stared at him, aghast. This wasn’t happening. After everything said and done between them the night before, how could he possibly lie there and argue the idea of marriage? “I fail to see what is so complicated about us making our love known. As Queen, I am permitted to take a husband. I… I gave myself to you.”
“No, please, do not misunderstand,” Therek’s eyes brightened suddenly, as if only just realizing what he said. “I want nothing more than to marry you, Kaori. But we must be careful. My goal was to establish a queen to rule over our people. Not a king. If you marry too soon, it will be difficult to make everyone see that the power does not lie with your husband. These people are used to following the rule of a man. They will not adjust so quickly to following a woman.”
It wasn’t what she wanted to hear, but it was better than outright rejection. She couldn’t argue the logic behind his words. Carpaen had been under the rule of an emperor for hundreds of years. Women involved in politics were nothing more than pretty faces for the men to look at while they conducted business. The Empress held no real power over the people and everyone knew it. Establishing a monarchy based on a woman would take time to garner acceptance. She just hated to think how long she would have to wait before she could have Therek by her side. Another sacrifice she would have to make for the sake of her people.
Lowering her hand away from Therek’s face, she turned her head to the side, not wanting to let him see the struggle she waged at the thought of letting him go. There had to be something they could do. A way they could be together without destroying the vision Therek had for this new society. “Must we keep our love a secret? I understand your hesitation in marriage, but surely it would not cause issue if people learned of our mutual affection. There is nothing improper about caring for one another.”
“It will blur the lines of our positions. As General, I accept my role as your confidant and advisor, but military should remain separate from royalty. We must not let anyone confuse the title of General for King. Rumors will fly fast enough of impropriety between us simply because I am a man and you are a woman. Our acquired ranks leave us in a precarious position where love is concerned. We cannot risk our people thinking you an indecorous Queen who shares her bed with a man she is not bound to in matrimony while we also cannot chance marriage for the sake of shifting authority to me. I granted you the crown for a reason. Do not allow it to unintentionally fall back upon my head.”
A gentle pressure upon Kaori’s chin guided her face to stare at Therek, his fingertips lightly caressing her cheek. It pained her to look at him. Her heart ached to think that she couldn’t have him as her husband. How was she supposed to hide her feelings when she wanted to climb atop the highest mountain and shout to the world that she loved him? “What can we do?” she asked, her voice quiet and shaky from the tears of uncertainty which welled in the corners of her eyes.
Leaning forward to give her one long, final, lingering kiss, Therek slowly lifted his lips from hers, brushing away a stray tear as it escaped from over Kaori’s lashes. “We must win this war before we dwell on the matter. It will do us no good to drive ourselves mad trying to think of a solution only to have me perish under the blade of our enemy.”
She didn’t know which thought troubled her worse. Her inability to marry Therek was painful enough, but she didn’t want to consider the thought of him dying in this war. She couldn’t bear the thought of living without him. When they first met she wanted nothing more than to never see him again but now – she didn’t want to let him out of her sight. “As your Queen, I command you not to die,” she jutted her chin out in defiance. Seeing the determined expression on her face Therek laughed, leaning back to take in the sight of Kaori lying there in the blankets.
“I am the most loyal servant under your command, but you and I both know there is no guarantee I can follow that order.”
“You would betray your Queen?” she raised her brow with exaggerated curiosity.
In a fluid motion Therek rose to his feet, grabbing his pants from off the ground to pull them up over his legs. Kaori watched him, enthralled by the sight of his muscular physique, wishing desperately that he didn’t have to leave. But they’d already been together too long. Therek had business he was required to attend to and his men expected him long ago. Whispers would no doubt abound if she didn’t let him leave. “I will do everything within my power to follow your command, My Queen,” Therek bowed with a flourish, snatching up his shirt with his hand in the process. Kaori couldn’t help but laugh at the display, amused by the unusual lightheartedness she saw in him at that moment. The hardness of his face and posture was replaced with a relaxed, carefree smile as he came to where Kaori sat amongst the
blankets, leaning forward to kiss the top of her head. “I love you, Kaori,” he whispered into her ear, his fingers lightly brushing a strand of hair away from her face. “No matter what happens in the next few days, I want you to know that.”
“I know,” she bowed her head forward, heart aching to realize this was his way of saying farewell. In a few hours he would be on the road to Eykanua and she wouldn’t see him again until the day they entered the final battle. “May the knowledge of my love be enough to see you through this war… alive.”
“Trust me,” Therek straightened his shoulders, moving quickly across the floor to stand in front of the exit leading out into the camp. “Your love heightens my desire to see Sulel and Deliao struck down swiftly so that I may once again feel your lips upon mine. I will be the most determined soldier on that battlefield.”
Kaori’s hands tightened around the blanket which concealed her body from view as Therek pulled the flap back, his head leaning outside to make sure no one was looking before slipping through the opening to leave Kaori there with her thoughts. Their future would be determined within the next few days. It was a frightening thought, yet exciting at the same time. Everything she worked for over the past year was finally coming to an end. With Therek at her side, she would see Sulel punished for the things he did to her people, or die trying. Only now, she had more reason to live than ever. Therek loved her. And one day, she would make sure the whole world knew.
The journey south was pure torture for everyone. Long. Tiring. Kaori waited in fear of seeing a courier from Therek’s unit coming toward them from up ahead with word of some terrible fate having befallen the company. Their journey until now had been relatively uneventful, leading Kaori to believe Therek’s men had been successful in staving off any threat along the way. She didn’t want to entertain the thought that they may have failed.
The Myatheira Chronicles: Volume Four: In the Beginning Page 81