Whether your decision is as simple as staying up to watch TV or going to bed, or as complex as staying in a relationship or ending it, your choices are influenced by your perception of the advantages and disadvantages of staying the same versus making the change. Quite simply, when there are more advantages to staying the same than changing, you are less likely to make the change. Conversely, change occurs when you believe that the advantages outweigh the disadvantages.
You have a choice in every situation, even if the only choice is to accept a situation or resist it. Paying attention to your choices and uncovering the beliefs that motivate one decision over another puts you in charge of your life.
If you want to eat or continue to eat when you aren’t hungry, you have three options to choose from—eat anyway, redirect your attention, or meet your true needs. Each choice is valid and each has its advantages and disadvantages.
OPTION ONE: Eat Anyway
Your first option is to go ahead and eat anyway. Yes, that is one of your options. Even people who eat instinctively sometimes eat or overeat when they aren’t particularly hungry—because of a special occasion, because the food looks or tastes wonderful, or simply because it’s convenient. They just don’t do it all the time.
Giving yourself permission to eat anyway is one of the most powerful ways to change your relationship with food. But to be clear, eating anyway is not the same as bingeing anyway. When you weigh the advantages and disadvantages and make a conscious decision, eating anyway is less likely to drive your Binge Eating Cycle or force you back into your Restrictive Eating Cycle.
What are the advantages of choosing to eat or continuing to eat even though you aren’t hungry? There must be some otherwise you wouldn’t have done it thousands of times before. Stop reading and think about it for a moment.
Advantages of Eating Anyway
•It’s easy. Eating anyway requires no effort, thought, or energy because you’ve done it so many times before. You can eat on autopilot without having to think about what you’re doing or why.
•It may give temporary pleasure. Food tastes good and can be used for short-term pleasure, reward, or celebration.
•It may distract you temporarily. Eating can be used to postpone doing something or to avoid or distract yourself from certain thoughts or feelings.
Disadvantages of Eating Anyway
•It may cause discomfort. Eating or continuing to eat when you’re not hungry can lead to feeling physically uncomfortable, bloated, and lethargic.
•You may eat more than if you were hungry. If hunger doesn’t tell you to start eating, what’s going to tell you to stop? You’ll stop when the food is gone, when someone comes in, or when you are uncomfortable, in pain, or numb.
•You may feel regretful. Notice my intentional use of the word regretful instead of guilty. There’s no need to feel guilty if you made a conscious choice to eat even when you’re not hungry. Guilt leads to shame and negative self-talk, which adds fuel to your Overeating Cycle. (In chapter 6 we’ll talk about fearless eating.) On the other hand, regret implies that you made a decision and now you wish you’d made a different choice. That leaves room for you to experience and learn from the consequences.
•Your body stores it. When you eat food your body didn’t tell you to, it has no choice but to save it for later. This may cause you to have less energy and make it more challenging to engage in other activities, further compounding the cycle.
•Can lead to a binge. People who binge often have all or nothing thinking patterns, so eating when you’re not hungry may lead to a destructive binge. Overeating is a part of life at times. Bingeing, however, is destructive to your body and your well-being.
•You don’t meet your true needs. When you eat instead of addressing your triggers, you’re not meeting your needs. When your true needs are unmet, your triggers will return again and again.
We need to make an important point here. Because of past dieting, many people still eat when they aren’t hungry but will choose “allowed” or healthier foods. Although you might rationalize that it does less damage, it’s important to acknowledge that you’re still choosing to eat even though your body didn’t ask for food. Instead, mindfully choosing to eat something purely for pleasure is an option and is part of normal eating.
In summary, eating even though you aren’t hungry is easy and may give you temporary pleasure or distraction. The downside is that it has strings attached. You might feel better temporarily, but when you grab food out of habit or to meet some need, you’re more likely to overeat, leading to feeling uncomfortable, sluggish, and regretful afterward. It is like that old antacid commercial with the tagline, “I can’t believe I ate the whole thing!”
Ironically, even if you believe you overeat just because you love food, the true purpose of eating is to nourish your body. Eating or continuing to eat when you aren’t hungry can’t possibly give you the same level of satisfaction as eating to satisfy physical hunger.
Most important, eating anyway doesn’t allow you to address your underlying needs. In this situation, Natalie was trying to reward herself with food.
I feel so exhausted at night that I hurry to try get the kids to bed so I can watch TV, and be alone to eat as soon as my husband falls asleep. Even though I tell myself I’m not going to do it anymore, it’s my reward for doing everything for everybody else all day. But it seems like the more I rush the kids, the more wired up they get, the more they act out, the more I react, and the more chaotic the evening is for all of us. Of course the more stressed I feel, the more I want to be alone to eat. When everyone else is finally asleep, I just zone out and eat until the bag or carton is empty. When I come out of the zone, I realize that I’ve done it again and I feel even worse.
As much as she looked forward to eating, it didn’t leave Natalie feeling satisfied because her urge to eat really wasn’t about the food.
OPTION TWO: Redirect Your Attention
When you choose to redirect your attention, you’re making a conscious decision to focus on an activity other than eating (or thinking about eating) because you’re not hungry yet. Sometimes the answer is as simple as moving a candy dish out of sight or knitting instead of munching while you watch television. Sometimes distracting yourself requires a more involved activity such as working on a scrapbook page for an hour or calling a friend to go for a walk.
Advantages of Redirecting Your Attention
•An urge to eat may pass. Redirecting your attention works especially well for environmental triggers like a commercial or the sight of food. When you engage your mind in something else, the desire to eat usually goes away within a few minutes.
•It’s a more productive use of time. How much time do you spend thinking about eating, looking for or preparing food, eating, hiding the evidence, then feeling regretful or even sick and lethargic afterward?
•It disrupts your Binge Eating Cycle. Choosing to do something else expands your options and creates new ways of responding to your triggers.
•Waiting until you’re hungry makes eating more satisfying.
•Depending on what activity or redirection technique you choose, you may meet your underlying need. Experiment and pay attention to the results.
Disadvantages of Redirecting Your Attention
•It requires some thought and effort. Habits are like deep ruts in a road; you have to turn your steering wheel hard and give the car some gas to pull yourself out.
•It requires some preparation. You need to have ideas and supplies at the ready, so it’s as easy as possible to find something else to do besides eat.
•It works temporarily. Fortunately, that is often all you need since an urge caused by an environmental trigger will usually pass quickly.
•It may not meet your true needs. As with eating anyway, you may not meet your real needs when you distract yourself—but sometimes you do. For example, if you feel like eating when you’re stressed but you take a walk instead, you’ll be distrac
ted from the food and reduce your stress too.
MINDFUL MOMENT: Put a sign on your refrigerator that says, “If I’m not hungry, what I’m looking for is not in here.”
Redirecting yourself is often an effective short-term strategy. Natalie tried it.
I decided to try to redirect my attention instead of eating. After the kids were finally in bed, I started on my list: picking up the house, paying bills, and making lunches. That worked fine for a couple of days but on the third day, while I was making the kids’ lunch, I ate a spoonful of peanut butter, then a few cookies, then a few more. Well you know what happened next. I felt miserable but since redirecting my attention had worked pretty well for a couple of days, I wasn’t ready to give up on it yet. I added a few new activities to my list and worked on a scrapbook until midnight last night!
THE GREY AREA
HOW TO REDIRECT YOUR ATTENTION AWAY FROM FOOD
If you’ve ever been on a diet, distracting yourself from eating isn’t a new technique for you. Here are some specific strategies that will make that technique more effective.
Make a list of activities that appeal to you before you need them. Write down both simple and more-complicated ideas; be sure to include a few that don’t require any preparation or equipment. You may have different ideas for home, work, and other settings. Add new activities to your list as you think of them. Having a variety of ideas ensures that you’ll come up with something that fits your mood or situation. Use your imagination.
Build a large repertoire of activities. You’ll want to have a diverse selection of activities to distract, revitalize, relax, or nurture yourself. Here are some themes to help inspire your creativity for optimal results:
•Engage in pleasurable activities. Buy some flowers, read a great book, listen to music.
•Pay attention to someone else. Do something for someone else, pay it forward, play with kids, watch others at the mall or park, think of (or better yet, write or call) a loved one, think about someone you admire such as a role model.
•Change your thoughts. Read affirmation cards or favorite sayings, repeat a mantra, pray. We’ll explore this further in chapter 4, Change Your Mind.
•Do tasks or chores. Have a list of items you can do in various places and time periods.
•Count, concentrate. Count breaths, colors, or objects; play cards or games; engage in a hobby.
•Leave. Simply change the scenery, go to another room, leave the store or triggering environment, go outside, shut off the TV, go to your food-free Self-Care Zone (see below).
•Expend emotional energy. Cry, scream in pillow, write a letter you’ll never send.
•Download “101 Things to Do Besides Eat” from www.AmIHungry.com
One of our program participants was an engineer who kept a toy construction set on her desk to play with when she felt like eating.
Choose activities that are enjoyable—or at least not unpleasant. If you’re going to make a choice not to eat, the alternative must be somewhat appealing. Now you know why it didn’t help Natalie to try to pick up the house or pay her bills.
Choose an eating-incompatible activity if possible. This is any activity that requires your hands or full attention. For example, it’s difficult to eat while you are playing the piano, building something, or sewing.
Be prepared. Choose a few of the activities from your list and have everything you’ll need ready to go. For instance, if you plan to play a game of solitaire, keep the cards nearby or load an app on your phone. If you’re going to try meditation, do a little reading about it ahead of time so you know what to do. Keep a redirection kit or drawer in your home or office stocked with things to do—stationery, a favorite book, puzzles, tools, crafts, or anything else that appeals to you.
Establish a food-free Self-Care Zone at home and at work. Create a pleasant, comfortable space that you don’t associate with eating by making it a food-free zone (drinking water, tea, or coffee there is fine). Keep your redirection kit there so you can retreat to your Self-Care Zone until the urge to eat passes.
Promise yourself you’ll try redirection for at least a little while. Although it’s easier to eat, you stay trapped in your Overeating or Binge Eating Cycle when you do. Try to redirect your attention away from eating even if it is for only a few minutes at first. For example, say to yourself, “I’ll work on this puzzle for ten minutes then see how I feel.” You’ll quickly learn that you can postpone eating with no adverse consequences and that will encourage you to try it again next time too.
Remember, you’re redirecting your attention away from food because you don’t need it yet, not because you’re depriving yourself. Remind yourself that you’ll eat when you’re hungry.
Redirecting your attention away from eating works best when something in your environment triggered your urge to eat, like the sight of food. Deciding to engage in another activity is also very effective when you feel like eating because you’re bored, you need a break, or you’re trying to avoid some other activity. In these situations, eating is certainly something to do, but there are lots of other options that don’t have strings attached.
Redirecting your attention is also helpful when you don’t have the time or energy to figure out why you want to eat or how to deal with it right at that moment. In that case, promise yourself you’ll take time to address the trigger later.
Redirection is a great strategy unless it is your only strategy! If you always distract yourself rather than addressing the underlying need, that need will continue to drive your Binge Eating Cycle. This brings us to your third option.
OPTION THREE: Meet Your True Needs
Your third option is to focus, figure out what triggered your urge to eat, and decide what to do about it.
Advantages of Meeting Your True Needs
•It decreases your urges. Discovering the source of your urge to eat and addressing the underlying need eventually causes that trigger to decrease.
•It improves your overall well-being. When you recognize and meet your true needs, you take better care of your whole self—body, mind, heart, and spirit.
•It builds new skills. This process also helps you learn how to cope better with other issues in your life.
•It leads to the best long-term results.
Disadvantages of Meeting Your True Needs
•It’s the most challenging option, but also the most rewarding!
•It may require time, effort, and energy.
•It requires openness and honesty with yourself and others.
•It requires building new skills.
•It may require you to ask for help from others to work through issues, develop new skills, and provide support.
Meeting your true needs may require risk and change and both can be uncomfortable. Natalie realized that she had a choice—continue living the way she was, or meet her needs.
At first I thought it might be easier to just keep bingeing than to try to figure out what I really needed. Then I reminded myself how bad I feel after a binge and how it had become an invisible barrier between me and my family, so I decided to see a counselor. Counseling helped me understand that I was feeling resentful toward Mark for not helping more with the kids, but I also felt guilty for feeling that way, so it was difficult for me to bring it up with him. At the same time, my secret bingeing was driving a wedge between us. The more I felt guilty about it, the more I felt guilty about asking for help with the kids. But the more resentful and tired I felt, the more I binged.
As Natalie realized, when you don’t meet your true needs, those unmet needs drive your Binge Eating Cycle. Although it’s the most challenging option, figuring out how to meet your needs is clearly the most satisfying choice.
Here’s what happened when Natalie stopped trying to use willpower to stop herself from eating and instead figured out what was driving her to binge.
Redirecting my attention sometimes helps. At least I get through a few things on my to-do list. But I finally
figured out that I’m most likely to binge when I feel overwhelmed, when I’m procrastinating, and when I’m tired, so making myself do more would sometimes backfire. I decided that I just need to give myself permission for “me time.” If I take time to center myself, read a little bit, or do something else I enjoy doing without feeling guilty about it, the rest of the day goes better. I don’t need to use food as an excuse for taking a break.
I also decided to talk to Mark about how I was feeling and the effect it was having on me. He said he had been feeling the distance between us so he was really supportive about making some changes. We agreed on a firm bedtime for our kids—and us. We created an “unwind” ritual that helps us all settle down in the evening. After dinner, we all clean up the kitchen together then he plays with them and gives them a bath while I finish up whatever I need to do. I get to read them a bedtime story and cuddle with them so we end the day on a positive note. Then lights out! Once they’re in bed, I have some time to myself to relax for a bit and then I go to bed at the same time as Mark. I wake up feeling well rested instead of sluggish, stuffed, and ashamed about the night before.
When you feel like eating even though you’re not hungry, instead of automatically reaching for food, make a conscious choice about whether you will eat anyway, redirect your attention, or meet your true needs. When you give yourself the opportunity to discover what you’re thinking and feeling, you’ll probably realize that most of the time it’s not about the food. In Natalie’s case, she had been using food for pseudo-relaxation instead of giving herself permission to take a break when she needed it and to sleep when she was tired. She was also suppressing her feelings of resentment and guilt. Once she realized what was going on, she was able to create a new plan. Isn’t it interesting that her binge eating finally led her to discover what she really needed to make her life run more smoothly and happily?
Eat What You Love, Love What You Eat for Binge Eating Page 6