Loneliness: sentimental, alone, lonely, misunderstood, empty, invalidated, alienated, rejected
Shame: regretful, remorseful, guilty, embarrassed, humiliated, ashamed, invalidated, mortified
IDENTIFY YOUR EMOTIONS
It may not be obvious to you that you are using food to cope with your feelings. You may think you’re overeating just because it tastes good or because you lack willpower. The why becomes clear only when you begin to explore the emotions that underlie your actions.
Many people aren’t aware of their emotions or have difficulty identifying them. There are a lot of reasons for this. Some people didn’t have good role models for expressing their emotions when they were growing up. For example, emotions may have felt scary if they were over-expressed with hysterical crying, yelling, screaming, or violence. Emotions may have seemed unimportant if they were suppressed or under-expressed, such as pretending that everything was ok, giving the silent treatment, or walking out. Further, emotions may have felt shameful if they were invalidated, such as “Don’t be such a cry baby!” or “You’re being too sensitive.” In addition, it becomes harder to identify emotions if you are in the habit of using food to distract yourself or numb yourself from them.
Emotions start in the brain and trigger a feeling in the body, which is why emotions are called feelings. In fact, the limbic system can create a shortcut from a trigger straight to the body, so you can respond rapidly to the environment (fight, flight, or freeze) before you are even consciously aware of the trigger. The Body-Mind-Heart Scan we introduced in chapter 2 will help you get in touch with these feelings.
Focus: Start with a few deep, mindful breaths to help ground and center yourself.
Body: Scan from head to toe and notice any physical sensations in your body. Are you aware of fatigue, tension, pain, thirst, or hunger? What other sensations can you feel?
Mind: As you learned in the last chapter, notice and watch your thoughts without becoming attached to them.
Heart: Scan for emotions from your head down. Your emotions give you clues about what you really need and how to take care of yourself. When you become aware of an emotion, take a moment to mindfully tune in to your body to discover any physical sensations associated with that emotion. Are they pleasant, unpleasant, or neutral? Don’t judge yourself for your feelings even if they’re uncomfortable. Rather than pulling away and resisting the feeling, try to stay with it. Even uncomfortable feelings tend to gradually diminish over time. As with thoughts, you don’t have to do anything with your feelings. Just become aware of them as they are.
At first when you try to focus on your feelings, you might notice that you’re thinking only about food, your weight, or other superficial thoughts like “I feel fat.” Realize that “I feel fat” is a physical sensation or a thought, not an emotion, so keep going even if your feelings aren’t obvious at first. Instead, picture them like the layers of an onion or the petals of a rose that you gently peel away to get to the center.
THE GREY AREA
GET IN TOUCH WITH YOUR FEELINGS
If you’re having difficulty identifying or describing your emotions, experiment with the following strategies:
•Become aware of your breathing for clues about your emotions. Are you holding your breath? Is it rapid and shallow? Slow and rhythmic?
•Inhale and exhale deeply as you sit with your feelings for one minute. Observe and label the emotion—for example, “frustration.”
•Allow your self-care voice to help you explore what you’re feeling. Peel back the layers by asking, “What else?”
•Write your feelings down, unfiltered, using a journal, computer, or even a scrap of paper.
•Complete the sentence: “I feel _____” or “I am _____.” For example, “I feel lonely,” or “I am angry with my boss,” or “I am worried about my children.”
•Picture a close friend or family member observing your thoughts and feelings nonjudgmentally. What would they describe?
•Invite the part of yourself who is a good friend to others, who gently parents your children, or who effectively manages a work team to help you sort out your feelings.
•Describe your feelings as a picture or a metaphor. Start with, “My feelings are like . . .” and compare them to a color, an animal, a familiar story, or whatever images surface.
•Draw images or scribble on a pad of paper to see what emerges.
•Draw a body map using colors, arrows, symbols, words, or whatever helps you describe what you are feeling.
•Notice whether cravings for a certain food give you clues about what you’re feeling or needing. For example, a desire for a comfort food from your childhood could be a signal that you’re feeling stressed.
•Talk about your thoughts and feelings out loud or into a recorder.
•Discuss your feelings with a trusted friend or family member.
•Seek the assistance of a counselor or therapist if you feel overwhelmed, scared, or unable to identify or work through your emotions.
Cathy found that drawing a body map was really eye-opening. She described the experience.
First, I drew a big black circle over the middle of my body because it feels so heavy and achy around my chest and stomach area. It feels like a deep, dark hole that just radiates anxiety, so I added orange lightning bolts around it that shoot out to my shoulders and up to my throat. I scribbled with purple over my chest. Later, I realized that I associate blue with loneliness and anger with red. Red and blue make purple, right? I always thought that I ate because of stress but when I looked at my body map, I realized how lonely I feel on the weekends.
Although Cathy was surprised to recognize all the feelings she was having, it gave her a starting place for what to do next.
MANAGE YOUR EMOTIONS
Once you’ve identified your emotions, what do you do with them? Let’s explore five ways to manage your emotions besides eating: allow them; feel them; shift them; change them; or contain them. These give you numerous options to choose from, depending on the circumstances, so your emotions no longer control you. You are in charge.
Allow Them
Resisting emotions only makes them grow stronger and leads to more suffering. Allowing and accepting your emotions exactly as they are right now is one pathway to peace. Acceptance means letting things (or in this case, feelings) just be in the present moment. Allowing a feeling doesn’t mean you like or dislike it or that you agree or disagree with the situation. It simply means that you allow it to be as it is, without judging it or trying to change it.
One way to practice accepting your feeling sensation is by labeling it—for example, that’s sadness—without doing anything to try to change it or make it go away. As you notice and accept your feelings as they are, take a moment to jot them down, like a reporter taking notes objectively.
Here’s what Cathy shared.
At first, nothing seemed to work as well as food for feeling better fast. Then I woke up late on a Saturday, still feeling stuffed after another Friday food fest. I was disgusted with myself. I know it doesn’t make sense but I started back toward the kitchen to find something to eat. I caught myself. Wait! Instead of trying to push the feeling down by eating more, I pulled out my journal and wrote, “I binged again last night. Today I feel ashamed. I’m sorry I did it.” Somehow, this simple step stopped me from doing it again.
Feel Them
This strategy decreases the discomfort of an emotion through exposure. Exposure Therapy is used to reduce or eliminate fear when treating phobias and other anxiety disorders. It’s based on the concept of desensitization—the longer you’re exposed to something, the less effect it has on you. It is learning to turn toward the pain rather than trying to jerk away. Practice this wave meditation to get used to feeling an emotion without being washed away by it.
•Start with mindful breathing and proceed with your Body-Mind-Heart Scan.
•If you identify a feeling or sensation in your body that i
s causing discomfort, begin this meditation.
•While using mindful breathing, imagine yourself sitting at the edge of the ocean.
•Place your hands on the area of your body where you’re experiencing discomfort.
•Imagine breathing in the feeling, bringing it closer to you, just as a wave moves toward you from the ocean to the shore.
•Allow the wave to wash over you.
•While breathing out, allow the discomfort to pull away from you and recede back into the ocean.
•Continue to visualize the waves building, rolling toward then over you then rolling back out into the ocean. Align the rhythm of your breathing with the sequence of the waves.
This wave meditation will help you become more relaxed and less fearful of the discomfort of the feelings in your body because you recognize that they ebb and flow like the ocean, and that even intense emotions will subside as you observe them. Cathy tried it.
I went for a short walk, made a nice omelet for myself, and then decided to clean out my garage. I was about halfway through when I started feeling overwhelmed and anxious. It was hard to miss the big hole in the middle of my body that felt like a giant vacuum.
I went inside and laid down. I laid my hand on my stomach. I wasn’t hungry. What was it? Suddenly the thought, “I shouldn’t have to clean my garage by myself; that’s a man’s job,” popped into my head. Aha. This was another version of my loneliness.
I took deep slow breaths, in and out. I imagined that there was a pressure valve on my side that I could turn up or down to control my feelings. I allowed the feeling of loneliness to fill me up, then I turned the valve to release some of the pressure. Filling up, letting go, filling up, letting go, until I no longer felt overwhelmed by loneliness.
Contain Them
In the past, you may have been told that you should deal with emotional eating by “feeling your feelings.” While that’s an important part of learning to manage your emotions, it just isn’t practical to feel all the time. At times you might recognize that you are having a strong emotion but don’t have the time, energy, privacy, or necessary support to deal with your feelings. You can choose to acknowledge that you are having difficult feelings and make a decision to return to them at a better time.
To do this, visualize yourself putting them into a container on a shelf or in a location that you can return to when you have time to deal with them. An example of this strategy is writing down all of your worries or feelings and putting them into a “worry box” or a “God box” so you can let them go for now. A trusted confidant or therapist can also serve as the container, allowing you to leave your emotions with them or in the place where you exposed them instead of carrying them around with you.
Shift Them
Emotions are often felt as energy in your body, so the ability to shift your physical and emotional energy helps keep you in balance. For example, when you feel stressed, anxious, or uptight, you may need to unwind and calm yourself down. When you feel sad, lonely, or tired, you may need to do something to feel energized.
Many people who struggle with food have learned to shift their moods and energy by eating. One way to expand your repertoire beyond food is to use other physical sensations to calm or energize yourself. Think of how a young baby learns to soothe or stimulate her nervous system without the aid of a parent. She may cry, rock back and forth, suck her thumb, listen to a lullaby, watch a colorful mobile, cuddle a teddy bear, sniff her favorite blankie, play with squeaky toys, or kick her arms and legs. These sensory activities—sight, sound, taste, touch, smell, and other physical sensations such as movement—have a soothing or stimulating effect on the nervous system. Here are a number of ideas to inspire you.
Sight: Look at a photograph of a favorite person or animal, nature scene, or memorable vacation. Watch the view through a window. Gaze at your favorite color. Use soft light in your environment or allow more light in by opening the curtains.
Sound: Listen to nature sounds. Focus on the sound of a ticking clock or a fan. Listen to yourself breathing (experiment with plugging your ears as you listen). Play energizing or calming music. Create mood-setting playlists. Play drums or another musical instrument.
Taste: Since you probably tend to soothe yourself orally already, try to de-emphasize food flavors as you build your repertoire. Instead, try brushing your teeth, chewing minty gum, or sipping on flavored herbal teas or lemon water.
Aromas: Light a scented candle. Apply scented lotion. Use aroma therapy oils that are calming or stimulating. Smell flowers, your baby’s lotion, your partner’s cologne, or freshly squeezed lemon. Be cautious about using food-related scents, as they can be a trigger.
Physical sensations: Rock or sway gently. Caress a favorite fabric or rub a smooth stone. Pet your dog or cat. Take a hot bath or a cold shower. Massage your hands, feet, shoulders, or neck. Feel the breeze or a fan. Sit quietly and see if you can feel your pulse in your fingertips. Take a walk around the block or down the hall. Go for a swim. Stretch your muscles. Practice yoga or Tai Chi. Clean a room. Dance to upbeat music. Apply an ice pack or a heating pad. Rub on alcohol hand gel. Go outside or come inside for a change in temperature. Have a massage or other body work.
It takes practice to retrain your nervous system to relax using new techniques. You can start by trying a few of these activities for a few minutes before turning to food. If you are already aware of times of high stress or low energy when you’re particularly vulnerable to bingeing, you might consider planning another energy-shifting activity. For example, if it is difficult to transition from work to home, you could schedule a yoga class or create another transition ritual using the activities above.
Change Them
You learned about TFAR in chapter 4—your thoughts lead to your feelings, which lead to your actions, which lead to your results. Changing your thoughts is a powerful way to change your feelings. In addition, since TFAR is a self-reinforcing cycle, your actions also drive your thoughts and emotions. You can use this powerful concept to your advantage by changing your actions, which can then change your thoughts and emotions. In other words, you act “as if” you don’t feel a certain way. Here are some examples of emotions and the actions that you might take that are the opposite of what you might do automatically.
•When you feel angry, sit quietly, feel compassion, validate, and/or be kind.
•When you’re afraid, make eye contact, stand tall, and/or approach.
•When you’re sad, stand up, get involved in an activity, or watch a funny video.
•When you’re feeling guilty or ashamed, take responsibility for your part, make amends, then move on.
Cathy changed her thoughts by taking action even though it was uncomfortable.
The big black hole was back. Usually when I feel like this, I stay in all weekend and eat. Been there, done that, doesn’t work. Although going out in public was the last thing I wanted to do, I thought about a work-friend who had mentioned a movie that she wanted to see. I guess I was afraid of rejection because it took me a while to get up the nerve to call her to ask if she wanted to go. I was surprised when she actually sounded excited; she even suggested we go out for dinner first. I put all of my negative thoughts and uncomfortable feelings aside and went upstairs to decide what to wear. My pajamas just weren’t going to cut it for watching movies this time.
Although Cathy felt lonely and wanted to isolate herself with food, doing that would only have reinforced her feelings of loneliness. However, by getting in touch with her feelings and choosing to act in the opposite way—going to the movies—she lifted her mood and felt less lonely. She didn’t try to convince herself she wasn’t lonely; she just interrupted the cycle at a different point.
CONNECT YOUR EMOTIONS TO YOUR NEEDS
You learned in chapter 3 that when you want to eat even though you’re not physically hungry, you have three options: eat anyway, redirect your attention, or meet your true needs. These are all legitimate options, but if
you always choose to eat anyway or redirect your attention, you’ll miss an important opportunity to recognize and meet your true needs. Unmet needs create a vacuum.
A helpful way to understand this it to imagine that you have two buckets—one labeled “Fuel” and the other labeled “Other Needs.” When you eat to manage a particular emotion, you are filling the wrong bucket. Your Fuel bucket overflows, while your Other Needs bucket remains empty. Your needs are legitimate and important, so when they go unmet, you may experience powerful cravings.
MINDFUL MOMENT: “I need a brownie” may really mean, “I need love,” “I need attention,” “I need comfort,” “I need rest,” or, “I need someone to listen to me.”
Meet Your Needs
Emotions are normal, healthy, and helpful because they are powerful sources of information about your true needs. For example, when you feel unappreciated, you need appreciation. Of course it isn’t always that simple, but emotions provide clues about what’s missing. The following are examples of common needs.
Acceptance
Appreciation
Admiration
Autonomy
Comfort
Compassion
Competence
Connection
Control
Creativity
Empathy
Enlightenment
Freedom
Independence
Integrity
Joy
Love
Nurturance
Peace
Protection
Respect
Rest
Safety
Security
Spirituality
Stillness
Strength
Support
Trust
Truth
Uniqueness
Unity
Unconditional love
Understanding
Validation
Eat What You Love, Love What You Eat for Binge Eating Page 9