by RJ Scott
Mitchell wasn’t looking at him but was demanding the honesty he expected since they shared building blocks at age two.
Luke nodded. He wasn’t going to lie to Mitchell. "Cam told me he was happy to fall in line with what she said if it meant she could save face."
Mitchell huffed an irritated response and then rolled onto his stomach, resting his chin on his hands. Luke couldn’t ascertain what that huff meant. Whether Mitchell thought Cam was being idiot or just nice wasn’t clear.
"Are you seeing him tonight?" Mitchell changed the direction of the conversation. Luke analyzed the question for accusation or judgment. He couldn’t see either; in fact, there appeared to be a level of hope in his friend's tone.
"In the park. At eight."
"Call your mom, stay here to eat, and I'll walk you to meet him."
"You don't need to—"
"Luke, I wasn’t joking about keeping your head down. You need to have your wits about you. The rest of the team is looking to blame someone for their captain’s sudden one-eighty."
"So it didn’t matter then." Disappointment and anger at himself for letting Cam walk in alone today knifed through him. Squeezing his eyes shut, he realized his throat was tight with emotion.
"What do you mean?"
Playing for time, Luke took a deep swallow of water and then fiddled with the cap to the bottle.
"Luke?"
He wasn’t sure how much he needed to explain to Mitchell. Mitchell probably understood his life better than anyone, but still… there were things Mitchell could probably never understand.
Being clumsy and a math brain and gay… well, that was three strikes right there. He was different, and kids had picked on him, nothing he could change. But after a while they had just become bored, and he’d basked in the glow of having no attention at all.
"They'd given up on me, you know. I was no fun anymore to all the people that used to go out of their way to brighten their day by beating down on mine. I liked it that way." He took another gulp of water. “I'm out of here in a few months, and I’m going to build something for myself, be someone different." He stopped talking and rolled onto his stomach, closing his eyes and resting his chin on his hands mirror to Mitchell.
"I kind of like the you that you are," Mitchell murmured, then added, "But if it makes you happy then I know you will."
"It’s not long until the end of school. I could have done that, made it to the end. Then Cam decides he wants a real ‘us’, and he wants it now."
Agitation shot through Luke, and he couldn’t open his eyes. He had to make someone else see that he was making sense. "This isn’t some TV show, Mitch; this is actual life, and I'm scared. Cam said the whole school knew about him and we should ride the wave."
"Easier said than done, bro," Mitchell agreed. It wasn’t enough; Luke needed more. It wasn’t fair to give Mitchell half the story.
"It wasn’t just that though."
"What else is in that freaky head of yours?" Mitchell asked evenly.
The fear in Luke's stomach was acid. Where did he even begin to explain? Mitchell was just going to say something like “don't sweat it”, but Luke wanted to sweat it. He wanted Cam to want to be with him. He did deserve someone like Cam. He did. He heard the raw pain in his voice, and he realized how much he’d needed to talk to Mitch. He was the only person he could really be honest with.
"I'm waiting for him to realize it's a mistake." The smack when it came stung. Mitchell hitting him upside the head was not something that happened often, but when it did, it freaking hurt.
"Jeez," he said, opening his eyes. He rubbed his head. "What the fuck was that for?"
"For being stupid, an idiot, and a moron."
"I'm not being stupid—"
"Yes, you are. Are you going to spend your whole life thinking that guys who show an interest in you are faking it? That they're going to change their minds?"
"You don't understand."
"So help me."
"It's easier to be straight. No one fucks with you in the hallways if you’re straight. No one laughs at you, or makes you cry." Jeez, his throat was so tight he felt like he wanted to bawl. He was not going to blubber like a freaking girl.
"I know it isn’t easy," Mitchell stated plainly. Luke opened his mouth to continue, but Mitchell held up a single finger to stop him. "I'm not stupid. I've seen the shit people pull on you. And, Luke, I've seen you mooning over this guy for months. And I know him. He's a good guy and he hasn’t just decided to be gay any more than you did. It's what you are, and it's what he is."
"Mitch—"
"Has he given any indication that he's playing you?"
"No."
"So listen to me, Luke. Are you listening?" Mitchell was using his patented “Luke, you are an idiot” voice and emphasized it with another smack upside his head.
"Jeez, stop hitting me, ass. I'm listening."
"Cam is a straight-up guy, but he's been king of the shit heap for so long he thinks nothing can touch him. You have to let him deal with this in his own way, Luke. But, if the way he’s dealing with it makes you a target again, then I'm telling you that scares me."
"I'm just a freaking coward," Luke muttered, and dropped his forehead to his hands.
"Luke?" Mitchell's hand rested in the middle of Luke's back, and Luke wriggled away as in a flurry of motion Mitchell had pulled his T-shirt up to expose his back and the scar that Luke knew would follow him forever. He rolled away and sat up, pulling down his T-shirt, embarrassment and anger fighting inside him.
"What the fuck, Mitch?"
Mitchell simply shrugged at Luke's reaction, and an expression of resignation crossed his face.
"Everyone sees happy Luke the math nerd with the earphones and the music. I see that, but fuck it, I remember Luke the bullied kid with the scar on his back from a blade. The one who didn’t let his best friend know what was happening."
"That was a long time ago."
"Three years is all, Luke."
"I've dealt with it. He's gone. I won’t go back. I had counseling. No one needs to know." Luke felt a familiar panic in his chest at the memories. People sometimes showed their reactions to an outcast fifteen-year-old in very physical terms. Sometimes it got completely out of control.
"Cam needs to know. Talk to him. If he wants to be all-out an' gay, then that’s cool, as long as he sees he isn’t impervious to the shit around the school.
Tell him you want to try being boyfriends, or whatever, but that you have reasons why you want it mostly private. Make him see how it can hurt you."
"Is it that easy? He'll just give up on me. I know it."
"He may. I don't think so, but you won't know 'less you try."
Luke looked down at his friend and twisted his T-shirt in one hand.
Mitchell was like the brother he’d never had, and an upswell of affection for the guy hit him with full force. It made him smile. "Know what?"
"What?"
"You sound almost intelligent."
That was the cue for a tussle in the grass, when being just eighteen and sensible, with the weight of the world on your shoulders, wasn’t a priority.
* * * * *
Mitchell only left him when they reached close enough for Luke to see Cameron sitting on the same bench where they’d spent so much time talking on Friday.
He hesitated before walking over, his usual wariness making him check out the surrounding area, thankful that the threatening thunderclouds appeared to be keeping people away. Apart from a few smaller kids with parents, the park was mostly empty. The table was tucked away near a stand of trees, and he hoped they could get some privacy there. He steeled himself for what Cam was going to say. His gut told him it was going to be bad, and a familiar tightness in his chest had returned. Best get this over with. He told himself it couldn’t be as bad as stumbling to the camp leader with a knife wound, or having to put up with shit from idiots. He would listen to what Cam had to say and then, hopefully, jus
t slide back into obscurity at the school. Inhaling deeply, he took the few steps toward Cam, who sat with his back to him.
"Hey," he said softly so Cam would know he had arrived because his boyfriend was clearly in a world of his own. Startled, he twisted where he sat, catching himself to stop from tumbling off the table. Instinct had Luke grabbing his arm to steady him. Then there was silence as Luke released the grip and took a step back. Cam's expression was anguished, gutted, like he was one step away from tears for god's sake. Luke started to speak. He wanted to apologize, but Cam beat him to the chase.
"I'm sorry, Luke." Cam slid off the table until they were face to face. Wait, Cam was sorry?
"What for?" And yes, he knew he sounded like an idiot.
"For those kids seeing us this morning and making you a target again and for people thinking we are together and then what they're saying about it being your fault that I'm gay, and that you changed me."
Wow, that was one hell of a run-on sentence. Cam hadn’t even drawn a breath. Instead, he clenched his fingers into fists and pulled his lower lip between his teeth.
"People think that?" It still stunned Luke that people thought you changed to be gay. Jeez, no one changes to be het.
Cam took a step closer, his hands still in fists and his eyes bright with emotion. "I thought it wouldn’t matter. That I could do my thing, we could be us, and we could forget the rest of them. I was wrong, wasn’t I?" His voice held a pleading tone, and Luke knew the other boy, his boyfriend, was looking for answers where Luke had none to give. Luke needed to know the situation before he could try to calm Cam down.
"What happened?" he asked neutrally.
"Shit. What didn’t happen?" Cam raised one hand to his head and twisted his fingers into his dark hair, agitated and angry. "Coach won't release me, says I should ride this out, says it makes no difference to him if I’m gay or straight as long as I play. Some of the team I’m supposed to be leading hate me. School has changed in a day, jeez, in an hour. People look at me differently. They talk to me like just being seen near me is going to get them beaten up."
"I'm sorry, Cam." Luke reached toward Cam's clenched fist and grabbed tight, feeling the tension radiating from the boy who thought he was invincible.
"This is wrong," Cam said loudly, and pulled his fist from Luke's grasp.
The futility of it all hit Luke hard. Cam was backing down to minimize the damage like Luke knew he would. Why would Cam want to handle any sort of hassle over someone like him? It was too much to expect Cam to throw himself to the lions now that he knew what life was actually like for the “different” pupils in the school. He waited for the shock of being right about Cam ending it to hit him, but all he could feel was sympathy for Cam. He couldn’t blame Cam for proving him right. Pulling himself tall and inhaling, he decided at this moment that he could deal with this like the man he was becoming. He needed to say things without sounding hurt, or sad, or totally destroyed. People had first loves all over the world, they had their hearts broken, they felt like shit, and they handled it. Why should he be any different?
"Okay," he started carefully, "I understand. It's fine."
"It's not fine," Cam snapped just as quickly. "You know what? I can handle all that shit. It's what it does to you that I can’t handle. It’s the fact they blame you that shows me everything is wrong. Why can't they just leave me alone? Leave us alone? Why does it have to be such a bad thing to be in love? If it was me, I'd just say bring it on, but you got hurt that summer. It's my fault if you end up getting hurt again, me and my freaking macho bullshit."
Cam was working up a real head of steam, and it took a few moments for Luke to work his way through what Cam was saying. Cam was worried about Luke? Cam wasn’t backing off? And wait? He knew about what had happened at camp?
"Y-you know?" he stammered, and took a step backward. The last day of camp during summer break, cornered at the back of the meal rooms, Ryan Kitchener with a knife, high on something and determined to show the camp fag the meaning of pain. Cuts so deep into his side and lower back that one of them had scarred. He'd missed a few days of the new school term, nothing major, and he hadn't said a word about what had happened. Mitchell was the only one who had known outside of his mom and sister.
He suddenly lost every bit of muscle strength holding him upright and slumped to the bench seat, Cam following him with utter horror and self-condemnation on his face.
"Your mom came to see my dad." He waved away the rest.
"She did?"
"For advice." Luke must have shown his confusion. "She wanted to know if she should get a lawyer."
Luke blinked. Cam's dad was a lawyer, same as Mitchell's was, a different kind of lawyer though. He remembered she had sought advice somewhere, something about Luke being a minor and keeping his name out of the whole mess.
"I heard them talking. I haven’t told anyone, I promise you."
How did Cam knowing change the situation? Luke hesitated. Should he be feeling shame that the other guy at camp had managed to knock him to the ground? Or maybe he should be angry that Cam had listened in. Finally, the need to explain won over both.
"He was bigger than me," he finally said. "His brother had just come out, and he lost it. He wasn’t right in the head."
"Whatever his reason, I don't want anything like that to happen to you again. I was stupid to let someone see us." Cam's voice dripped with misery.
"What are we going to do?"
Luke shrugged. The damage had already been done, and now Cam would know that being with him wasn’t worth the hassle, that being gay in high school wasn’t the easiest thing to go through. They were lucky Westmoreland High had a low tolerance for bullying. But he was sure the rest of this last year wasn't going to be easy. "Like you said before, I'll keep my head down, and you can do the same."
Cam looked pained, his eyes narrowed. Then suddenly, between Luke deciding to leave Cam in peace or to give Cam someone to talk to, he stumbled forward. Cam had grabbed at his hand and was pulling him in the direction of the spreading oaks that circled the park a few feet from the table.
He didn't fight against the tow and allowed himself to be guided into a place where no one could see them. This wasn't the action of a guy that was splitting up with him. Unless he wanted to do this thing in private. All Luke felt was confused.
He opened his mouth to talk, but Cam came right at him and captured anything he might have said in a heated kiss. This was different from the kisses they had shared in the park before. This was more. Heat, greed, and need, all wrapped up in an angry bow. Cam cupped his face with both hands, tilting Luke's head and deepening the kiss. Luke melted in a puddle of heat, and he slumped against the rough bark of the tree trunk at his back. He went with the flow. Nothing else mattered, not the implications of what others thought or said, or the fear that lived with him day after day. Standing here with another boy, with Cameron Anders, hard and soft in all the right places, it was just sensation and love, and it felt wonderful. Cam moved his lower body closer, and Luke felt Cam hard in his jeans against his thigh. Cam pushed once and then backed away an inch.
"Does that freak you out?" he asked with so much sincerity in his voice it made Luke smile.
Why would it freak me out? It's what I want. "Hell no," he replied heatedly.
Cam paused for a second and looked at him thoughtfully, his clear-sky eyes half lidded and filled with intensity. Luke expected him to speak, but he said nothing, simply tightening his grip on Luke's face and stealing another kiss. Luke moved subtly until Cam rested against him, hard to hard, and they kissed until all the air had gone, then they pulled apart and kissed again, and again. Cam's lips were firm, and he kiss-bit a path of heat from mouth to neck and back again. It was everything Luke had imagined in the fiery kisses of his fantasies, and so much more than the deep but somehow cautious kisses they had shared before. The intense need to connect and to feel was driving them higher, way past just kissing and right on into the need to
get off here and now.