by B. M. Hardin
I couldn’t help but wonder if this all had something to do with what she wanted to talk to me about not too long ago. Was she trying to tell me something? Could I potentially have given her a piece of advice that could have saved her life?
I was so angry at myself. I should have called her back. I should have found out what she wanted. Instead I was so caught up in my on issues that I hadn’t been there for her and now I wouldn’t get the chance to.
I missed her so much already. She had always been like a daughter to me, my little ray of sunshine.
I loved her; I needed her. I needed her smile and her happy spirit to get me through the rest of my life.
No one could ever fill her shoes.
Why would God take her from me? He had already taken everyone else. Why her?
Reese stood beside me as they lowered her grave. Everyone else were making their way back to the church and to their cars. For a while we were silent. After all, there wasn’t much else to say.
“I love you,” Reese whined.
“I love you too,” I cried. I hugged her for what seemed like forever. She was one of the only people that I had left.
Heading back toward the church we spotted all of the men in our lives. Daddy, Judge Fitch, Boris, Baby Jonah…and Kareem. I had reached out to Devon several times, but he still wouldn’t respond to me or take my phone calls. I had texted him and told him what happened to Shanay, but that still wasn’t enough to break his silence. I was a complete mess and I needed someone by my side, so, of course, that someone ended up being Kareem.
“Everything is going to be okay,” he said and kissed my forehead.
“I don’t believe you,” I whispered in his ear, wrapping my arms around him, hugging him as tight as I could. My heart was so broken, shattered in a million pieces. I wasn’t sure of anything or anyone anymore. So much had happened lately…God, please just give me a break.
***
“Don’t worry, soon you’ll be buried right beside your sister,” she said.
As soon as she hung up I called Judge Fitch to give him the phone number that had just called me.
I swore on Mama and Shanay that I was going to kill whoever this bitch was!
Since I had restricted Private calls I hadn’t heard from her but I figured she said the hell with it. She was bold enough to call showing her phone number for the very first time. And the fact that she’d mentioned Shanay made me wonder if she had been the one responsible for her death.
It had been over a month and there were still no suspects in her murder and Boris had been one hundred percent cleared.
How else would she know that my sister had died unless she had something to do with it? Even if she had followed me to the church the day of the funeral it still wouldn’t explain how she would know.
My phone ranged and Fitch informed me that his contact said that it was a disposable phone. They could try to track down where and when it had been purchased but that was about as much as they could do.
I hung up in the middle of his sentence and called the number back.
No answer.
I must’ve called a thousand times but never, ever, did I get an answer.
I didn’t know who the bitch was but she was as good as dead when I found her. And I meant that.
“Calm down baby, just calm down,” Kareem said in my ear. I had almost forgotten that he was there. I was struggling to get myself together. I was so frustrated that it was hard for me to get my breathing back on track.
Despite what I had done or what she thought I had done---why would she throw the death of my sister in my face?
How cruel!
I took a few more deep breaths as Kareem rubbed my back. Finally, I calmed down and redirected my attention on him. The past month he had been my rock. He hadn’t left my side; not even once. No matter how sad I was and no matter how much of my anger I took out on him---he stayed right there. Whether I was up crying all night or cursing him out just because I felt like it, he would simply just hold me, or find some way to comfort me.
Slowly---but surely, my love for Devon was fading away and Kareem was definitely taking his place.
I still hadn’t heard from Devon and in a way I no longer cared. Granted it was my own fault. He had loved me and I had hurt him. I’ll take the blame. And no matter how much you love someone, some things were just unforgivable. Trust me…I know.
All in all, though now I was back on birth control, to ensure that I wouldn’t make the same mistake twice; getting pregnant, or getting an abortion. But now since I knew I was capable of actually being with child, it was all the more reason why I was about ready to settle down. It was time.
I hadn’t even attempted to do anything with the bond business and I was definitely still done with the dirty bonds side of it.
I stared in Kareem’s eyes. Maybe this could work. He was single---I was single. Maybe taking a chance wouldn’t be so bad.
And that’s exactly what I did.
Chapter Thirteen
An unfamiliar number displayed and I automatically assumed that it was the stalker chick. I had been dying for her to call me again. This time I would be the one doing the talking---and the threatening.
“Hello,” I said loudly, already having an attitude.
“Trina?”
Wait a minute…I know this voice…
“Are you there? I’m in jail. I hear you’re a bondsman these days and…”
I didn’t even let him finished. I was on my way to the jail house to see…the one, the only…Carter.
I hadn’t seen him or heard from him since the day he left me and I had a hell of a lot to say to him. I’d always imagined what I would say to him if I ever saw him again, if I ever spoke to him again. I was surely about to find out.
His charges were simple assault, though who it was on wasn’t released to me but I was dying to know. I was actually surprised. Carter had always been so professional and put together. He hardly ever got upset. But then again, maybe he was just good at pretending. From the looks of it, I didn’t know the real him at all.
Seeing Carter for the first time, in years brought about so many mixed emotions. He seemed to be even more handsome than I remembered him but despite his good looks…all I could see is red…angry red.
I caught him glimpsing at me a few dozen times as we finished the paperwork.
Of course I had come dressed to impress. I had on a pair Yves Saint Laurent jeans and a nice light blue Donna Karan blouse. I had on six inch Jimmy Cho pumps and matching bag. My make up was to die for; I had my hair pulled up into a bun, showing my perfectly round face. I looked like a million bucks…his millions of dollars.
Once we were outside, I was ready to give him a piece of my mind. I had so many questions.
When did he turn gay? Why hadn’t he told me? Why had he fallen out of love with me? What did I do wrong? Did I not please him the way he wanted to be pleased?
And the list goes on.
Not to mention the fact that he just moved on with his life without so much as calling me to see if I was okay. Not once had he checked on me. Not once did he even say Sorry.
“Thank you,” Carter said.
“Thank you my ass Carter! How could you do me that way? My life has been nothing but hell since you left!” I yelled at him. I was so angry! I felt rage and pain that I hadn’t felt since the day that he left.
Carter just looked at me. His silence made me all the more upset. I wanted answers and I deserved them.
“You didn’t even have the decency to see me during the divorce proceedings, you completely removed yourself out of my life when I was nothing but good to you,” I continued speaking since he had yet to open his mouth.
“Don’t you think I could have called any other bondsman than you? Don’t you think I chose you for a reason? I wanted to talk to you,” Carter said in a low, strange voice.
I pondered his response for a while.
What was the god damn reason then?
“Carter, why didn’t you tell me that you were---are gay huh? Like, when did you turn gay? Were you always that way? And why wouldn’t you tell me huh, why the fuck wouldn’t you tell me?” I screamed at him, wanting to smack the hell out of him, but for some reason, I knew that that wouldn’t have been the smartest idea.
“Trina, people are never who they seem to be. Nothing is ever what it appears to be, nothing,” Carter said.
Why is he speaking in parables?
Little did he know, he was about five minutes from a very bad day…even worse than he had already had.
“Carter, I was good to you. I changed my ways for you. You were everything to me; I never would have hurt you. I loved you…did you not love me?”
“No, I didn’t,” Carter said.
What? What did he mean he didn’t love me? He was married to me for ten fucking years!
“I mean, I loved you…well I grew to love you. But for personal reasons I never allowed myself to be fully in love with you. Every time I felt myself getting to that point, I would do something, or someone, to remind me of why I just couldn’t. You see, you were my assignment, more or less. I was using you all those years in hopes of getting close to your father. You see, he is the man responsible for killing my dad, Paul, you might remember him as Papa Paul,”
What? Daddy? Papa Paul? Huh?
“I couldn’t believe that you didn’t recognize me when we first met. I was pretty much grown the few times you saw me back then, but when I ran into you, on purpose, the first day you thought we met, it was obvious that you didn’t remember me. Our fathers were best friends and in a lot of trouble with a lot of important, dangerous people but somehow, someone convinced your dad that my father was a snake and… you father had him killed. He took him away from me. He was going to return for me. He was all I had left. But your dad took him from me. I had no one. I already didn’t have a mother, and your Daddy left me without a Father…he left me with nothing,” Carter said.
I was speechless. I was trying my best to think back to my younger years to try and remember a younger Carter, but I couldn’t exactly remember his face.
“Of course, I had overheard them talking of the house that your dad was leaving for you guys in Georgia. My father had even told me if I ever needed anything, until his return, to make my way there to your mother and she would willingly assist me. I remembered the last phone call from my father like it was yesterday. He called me from Mexico and told me that your father had turned his back on him and that he thought that he was trying to kill him. When the phone calls stopped coming, that’s when I knew. That’s when I knew that your father had killed him or as I’ve heard, had someone else do his dirty work. Using the money that my father had left behind, I found my way to Mexico, and went through hell to figure out what happened to him. Public records showed that he had been shot in the head and being that no one had claimed him; his remains were burned and discarded as if he was nobody. Every since that day all I’ve dreamed about is revenge. I searched Mexico for months trying to locate your dad but I couldn’t find him. But I knew that I could find his family and that’s exactly what I did. I moved to Georgia and luckily you guys still lived in the very house that my father had told me to go to…at least your mama did. But it was only a few days after that you came over to visit. As soon as I saw you, I knew it was you. I watched you for months. I’ll admit you were a sight to see but I couldn’t forget my purpose. I just knew that one day eventually he, your daddy, was going to contact you…and on that day I would be ready. I waited ten years to kill him…but two years ago, something changed me and in order to be free, I had to let it go…I had to let you go right along with it,” Carter kept eye contact with me as he spoke.
Carter wanted to kill my Daddy…what?
He had better not lay a fucking finger on my Daddy! I had just gotten him back and I’d be damned if he was going to take him away from me! I dared not mention that Devon had found Daddy for us. It was none of his got damn business anyway.
It was all too much. I couldn’t believe the things I had just heard. I was in tears of disbelief, hurt and humility.
“I lied about the reason I left you. It wasn’t because I was gay---per say. At the time, that’s what I thought you needed to hear in order to be disgusted with me and not want anything else to do with me. I’d been trying to leave you for years because I knew you deserved better but I just didn’t know how. The truth is…I prefer men and women. I always have. But I’ve always loved women more. I’m remarried now, to a woman. I have been with her for years; before, during and after you. I’m sorry. I was just so angry. I should have never brought you into this. I didn’t mean to ruin your life. I’ve changed my life. Turned over a new leaf and that’s why I had to let you know. I scammed to get locked up. I didn’t assault anybody. I’ll get the charges handled, but this was the only way I knew you would see me; talk to me,” Carter finished.
Well, he was exactly right about one thing… he had definitely ruined my life in so many different ways.
Because of him I didn’t trust men. Because of him I was insecure, bitter, and so unhappy. It was because of him that I had even started the dirty bonds idea. As I mentioned, I discovered a long time ago that it wasn’t just about the sex like I thought it was. I wanted to degrade men and use them in the same exact way that they often used women. It wasn’t about sex…it was about payback. Because of Carter every man in my life had to suffer. And I suffered right along with them.
They say that the truth hurts and I felt like my heart had been ripped out of my chest and stomped on. I never had the chance to ask him more questions. Not about Kareem or the woman he had married. I never even confronted him on having sex with Shanay.
As I heard his footsteps get further and further away all I could do was cry.
But at least now I could move on.
He had given me the truth. He had given me closure. But most of all Carter had given an apology…and that was all I had ever wanted.
***
“Let’s get married,” Kareem said out of nowhere.
I looked at him confused. I even managed to smile at his joke.
He was just joking right?
Reese’s October wedding was only days away and everything was already hectic. The conversation with Carter a few weeks ago was still fresh in my mind, and not to mention the agony of doing a wedding without Shanay. I already had so much on my mind and on my heart that I didn’t have room for Kareem and his nonsense.
To some degree, the talk with Carter had helped in some ways. I knew now that it was time to move on…all the way. I knew now that I couldn’t blame every man for his mistakes.
“I’m serious. Let’s pack a bag, fly out to Vegas, and let’s just get married,” Kareem proclaimed excitedly, unaware of the internal emotional roller coaster that I was on.
“You’re serious aren’t you?” I asked him.
“As a heart attack,” he said.
I could tell by the look on his face that he was serious.
He wanted to marry me…really?
I didn’t know what to say. It was definitely not my idea of a proposal. Technically, we hadn’t known each other all that long or even been officially dating for an extended period of time.
But these days, did that really even make a difference?
I mean you can be with someone for years and never really, truly know them. Now that was a statement that I could definitely relate to.
But outside of the obvious, I was damaged goods.
Though it had been a while, I had to truly heal from my failed marriage with Carter. The talk between us had only opened old wounds. But at least now they could heal and be closed properly.
But…
I pondered the thought a while longer. It was crazy, it was spontaneous…but what the hell…I was going to do it!
Life was too short to wait for forever or to wait for eventually. It was time that I truly started living the life that I had always de
served to have…money and true love. Carter was already remarried…I might as well join the party.
“Okay,” I grinned.
“Okay? Okay? Really?” Kareem jumped back onto his feet.
“Yes…but let’s wait until after Reese’s wedding,” I suggested. Reese needed me and I could just up and go to Vegas on her. But the day after…me and you have a date with some crazy, overdress, Vegas minister,” I joked with my future husband.
Lord, hopefully logic will step in and talk me out of this but if it doesn’t…oh well, here we go!
***
“It feels so weird with Shanay missing,” Reese said. She was right. Only months earlier we were in the same church, and the same room preparing her for her big day. I was a complete wreck. I was trying my hardest to be a big sister and be strong but this day had me so emotional for so many different reasons. But no matter what; the show must go on.
“Reese, let’s not go there okay, we don’t want to mess up our make-up,” I said, trying to be encouraging though I was only a second away from being in tears. Reese shook her head and smiled at me. I forced myself to smile back, and pulled the veil down over her face.
Showtime.
I stood, smiling as Daddy and Reese made their way down the aisle. Reese was a sight to see. Her off-white wedding gown hugged her curves perfectly. She looked like an angel. She had always been beautiful, but today her beauty simply could not be put into words. I was crying harder than she was…harder than the judge was. I was trying to get myself together but honestly it was too much…too soon.