by Rona Jaffe
“I’ll just change and then I’ll be in,” Kate whispered to Robbie.
He lay on their bed, waiting for her, and his thoughts drifted away to total blankness. He felt peaceful and calm. Not tired, just really good. She slipped into his room like a wraith, wearing her plaid flannel bathrobe that made her look about twelve years old. She had washed off the Fifties makeup and let her hair down. He thought she looked even more beautiful this way. She took off her robe and snuggled next to him, naked and soft.
“Why are you wearing your underpants?” she asked.
He’d forgotten to take them off. He felt her hands at the elastic, helping him. Then they were lying together, skin on skin, her fragrant hair falling across his face. She brushed it back with a graceful movement of her arm and kissed him gently. He kissed her back, sweetly, as one would one’s best friend. He felt no desire at all. He stroked her shoulder absently, remembering the way he used to feel—when was it?—a week ago, two weeks? Sometimes he lost time.
He felt her hand on him. He took it away, tenderly so he wouldn’t hurt her feelings. He hoped she would understand. It wasn’t her fault. It wasn’t his fault either; it was as if sex and desire had simply drained out of his life without his even noticing, almost imperceptibly, and now they were gone.
Her eyes were large and dark and sympathetic. “Robbie …?”
“It’s all right,” he said kindly.
“Of course it is,” she said. “This happens sometimes.”
It was best to tell her the truth. She would understand. “I can’t,” he said simply.
“You’re just tired. Don’t worry about it.”
“I can’t do it with you anymore,” he said.
“What did I do?” she asked. She sounded like a frightened little child now, not the understanding woman she had been pretending to be. He put his arms around her to comfort her. He knew she would not misinterpret the gesture.
“You didn’t do anything wrong.”
“Are you mad at me?”
“No. You? Never.”
“Well, what do you mean you can’t do it anymore? You can’t, or you don’t want to, or what?”
He hadn’t even thought about it. “I don’t know. Both, I guess. I can’t give you an answer.”
She drew away from him and sat up, her arms hugging her knees. It reminded him of the first time she had taken him into her room, the night of Jay Jay’s party, when she sat on her desk and asked him to tell her about himself. That seemed so long ago, a lifetime.
“I think we should discuss this,” she said. “Rationally.”
“Please don’t be upset,” Robbie said. “I do love you.”
“I don’t understand,” she said. “Just because you don’t feel like doing it one time doesn’t mean you never want to do it again. Does it? I mean, don’t be silly. Look, if you don’t love me … if you met somebody else, or if you don’t want to go with me anymore, don’t lie and say you love me.”
“I do love you,” Robbie said calmly. “Why can’t you understand?”
“I’m trying to.”
“Why don’t we just go to sleep?” he said.
“I think that’s a very good idea.”
They lay side by side, on their backs, awake, still as two corpses. He was hoping he hadn’t hurt her, and that she would finally come to realize that even though he could never have anything to do with her again sexually it didn’t mean he didn’t still love her. There were different kinds of love. His was pure.
After a while she reached over and took his hand. “It’s all right,” she said.
He knew then that she really didn’t understand at all.
CHAPTER 5
Kate looked at her body carefully in the mirror in her room. I’m not ugly, she thought. I’m certainly not ugly. It must be my personality. Maybe I’m too strong. She had read that strong women scared men off; there was something called The New Impotence. If there was, Robbie had certainly gotten it. He treated her like a beloved little sister.
He hadn’t tried to touch her for a month now, and she knew he never would again. At first she had been devastated. How ironic that she had been so sure of him that her only worry was that the relationship would become dull. Yet he really seemed to want to be her friend, and he was even sweeter to her than ever. Gone was the insistence on being with her all the time, and in its place was an almost instinctive consideration of her need to have time to herself. At least he hadn’t disappeared like all the other men in her life. After the night of the Fifties Prom he never asked her to sleep in his room again, nor did he try to sleep in hers, and Kate was too proud to ask him. He had made it clear that the love he talked about was platonic—and that was that.
The four of them played the game together more and more often. As they moved deeper into the caverns and began amassing loot and becoming surer of themselves, the game exerted a stronger pull than ever. Playing the game had become their favorite thing to do. Because of their need for secrecy they played on weekend nights instead of afternoons, and Daniel arranged his sex life around their new schedule. Kate had no sex life now, and she wasn’t interested in looking for anyone new. Jay Jay, as usual, had none, and as for Robbie, he hadn’t showed the slightest sign of interest in anyone new either. Kate wondered if there was something wrong with him. In some almost imperceptible way he had begun to change. Before, he had been sweet; now he was almost saintly. A guy in the dorm Robbie hardly even knew admired his shirt, and Robbie insisted on giving it to him. Oh, God, Kate thought in horror; maybe he’s going to become a Hare Krishna or something! When she and Robbie and Jay Jay went to a movie, or to buy food for the game, Robbie insisted on paying for it all. He said money didn’t mean anything. The only thing he wouldn’t pay for was their beer, but she supposed that had something to do with his alcoholic mother and his bad memories. He had stopped drinking altogether, not that he ever drank much to start with. He had also stopped eating meat, which as far as she was concerned was a good idea. Apparently having no sex, no meat, and no alcohol was healthful—Robbie seemed to be suffused with a pale glow. Kate knew she should be pleased, but somehow it made her uneasy. It came from his spirit, and she didn’t understand it.
But much more disturbing was his physical rejection of her. It was just like being ditched, except Robbie stayed around. She wondered if perhaps she was looking for strange things about him to explain his impotence with her, so she wouldn’t have to blame herself. No matter how much she intellectualized it, she did blame herself. She had made him go to the prom that night against his will; she had always taken the initiative. But if he hadn’t liked it, why hadn’t he said something? They were supposed to be best friends. She had to talk to somebody about it, and why not go to the authority? She knocked on Daniel’s door.
“Come on in,” Daniel said. He was doing a class assignment, but as always he looked pleased to see her. His room was immaculate, and she thought a little guiltily that he would probably think she was a slob if he saw hers.
“Your room is fantastically neat,” Kate said. “I bet you’ve got one of your love slaves cleaning it.”
“I clean it,” Daniel said pleasantly. “I’ll clean yours for five dollars an hour.”
“I might take you up on it. Can we talk?”
“Sure. Sit down.”
“Would you close the door?”
He went to the door and closed it. Then he sat next to her and looked at her with genuine concern. “What’s the matter?”
“I just don’t understand men.”
He burst out laughing. “You?”
“Don’t tease me,” Kate said. “I don’t know so much.”
“You’re the most perceptive, intelligent woman I know.”
She was surprised and pleased. She knew he liked her, but it was the first time he’d ever complimented her. “Do you think I’m a ball breaker?” she asked.
“Who said that?”
“I said it. Am I?”
“Of course not.”
“You may have noticed my big romance with Robbie is all over,” she said.
He nodded. “Did he say you were a ball breaker?”
“No,” Kate said. She sighed. “I think I scared him off.”
“Do you want him back?” Daniel asked.
She looked down at her hands; the little hands that could deliver a stunning karate blow. “No,” she said. “It was a shock at first, but in a way we’re better friends now than we ever were. I still love him, but in a different way. It’s not romantic … it’s more real, I guess.”
“Robbie is a genuinely nice person,” Daniel said. “Look what happened with you and that shit Steve. He wouldn’t even stay around to say hello once in a while. You know love affairs break up every five minutes around here. You’re not going through anything that was your fault.”
“How can you be so sure?”
“Because I know you would never do anything that could drive any man away. People just leave.”
He was being so nice she was touched. She looked at his sexy mouth and for one moment she thought that if she were ever to get involved again she would risk it with Daniel, and then she thought: No.
“You leave people all the time,” she said. “Why?”
“They leave me too,” he said.
“I bet they don’t.”
“Who’s the authority—you or me?”
“I guess you are,” Kate said, and for the first time felt very cheered up. He was human after all. “Well, when these heartless women leave you, why do they?”
“They get bored. They weren’t looking for anything serious in the first place. I don’t expect more from strangers than they’re willing to give.”
“Strangers?” Kate said.
“In a way,” he said.
His eyes were so blue. Poor Daniel, she thought. It can’t be much fun going to bed with strangers all the time. None of the girls he went to bed with ever seemed jealous of the others, or at least they never showed it, and it occurred to her how insecure that must make him feel. “I bet lots of girls were in love with you,” she said.
“Only about a hundred,” he said, and grinned to show he was kidding.
“I bet they were and you didn’t know it.”
“Hey,” he said. “Everybody around here thinks I’m Superstud. You know what that does to any woman who’s sensitive and caring and smart? She says: Oh, this guy is bad news. He’s going to use me for another notch on his belt. So I’ll use him for the same thing. Kate, if I really cared about someone, I’d have a hell of a time trying to convince her. My reputation, as they say, has preceded me.”
“I never thought about that,” Kate said.
“Think about it.”
“When I tease you … do you mind?”
“No, of course not.”
“I bet you had fun getting your reputation, though.”
“I can’t say I hated it.”
“I guess it’s like a woman being too pretty,” Kate said. “She starts to think men are just after her for her looks. I never thought about that before.”
“I have a theory about success,” Daniel said. “Success does not turn a person into a big shit. If he’s a shit in the first place, becoming a success only enables him to be what he always was, openly and with impunity.”
“And if he’s nice to start with he stays nice, right?”
“That’s my theory. Come on, let’s go out and I’ll buy you a beer.”
“Okay,” Kate said. “Let me just get my coat.”
They drove to Fat City in her car because Daniel only had a bicycle. Kate realized it was the first time she and Daniel had ever been out together alone. For some reason she was having a little difficulty breathing. This is ridiculous, she thought; he’s my old pal. I know him the way no one else does—he’s Nimble the Charlatan. He’s part of my secret world and I’m part of his.
Fat City was crowded. Noisy groups were eating and drinking at nearly all the tables. They had to look for an empty table, and while they were working their way there people they knew said hello, but more said hello to him than to her, and most of the ones who spoke to him were beautiful girls.
“I’d be jealous,” Kate said.
“Huh?”
“If I were going with you and all those women said hello to you, I’d be jealous.”
“What would you do?” he asked, sounding pleased and amused. “Would you give me a karate chop?”
She laughed. “Karate isn’t for jealous lovers, it’s serious business.”
They finally sat at a small table at the back of the room and ordered draft beer. Daniel got up and put some money in the jukebox. Kate looked around the room, quite sure neither Robbie nor Jay Jay would be there, but hoping anyway that they were not. If they were, they would come over to the table and sit down. This was the first time she’d had a chance to find out what Daniel was really like, and she intended to find out as much as she could. They’d become friends through the game, and had spent all that time together, but really each knew very little about the other’s private thoughts, until tonight. He came back to the table.
“Would you think it was terribly corny if I asked you to tell me your life story?” Kate said.
“It’s not as corny as my life story,” Daniel said. “But since it’s also luckily very short and dull, I’d be glad to.”
She found his life immensely reassuring. It was so normal, so nice. Robbie’s life had been sad, and Jay Jay’s bizarre, and even her own had been disillusioning, but Daniel had a real life, the kind people wished they had. She could see him in her mind: the loved child growing up surrounded by the encouragement of his family, and she wondered, as she often had before, why he had chosen to bury himself at a university like Grant. Nothing is ever like it seems, Kate thought. This was turning out to be one of her favorite evenings.
“Why did you pick this school?” she asked.
“It’s what I wanted.”
“But you could have gone to M.I.T.,” Kate said.
“That’s what my parents wanted.”
“You didn’t do it to spite them—I can’t imagine that.”
“No, I came here because I really don’t think I’m ambitious or competitive. I want to make up games for computers and have a quiet life with a lot of fun in it. I guess if I were growing up in the Sixties I’d be a dropout. This is sort of my compromise. And besides, Grant isn’t a bad school. Why did you come here?”
“It’s where I got in,” Kate said. “Grant isn’t Ivy League, but as you say, it isn’t a bad school either. It has a good creative writing department. I can go out for honors and write a novel as my thesis. You can’t do that at every college.”
“I wish I could make up a computer game for my thesis,” Daniel said.
“Why don’t you ask them? They might like the idea.”
“I think I will,” he said, very pleased. “Thank you.”
“Any old time.” They had another beer. “Let me ask you something,” Kate said. “Have you noticed Robbie acting kind of strange lately?”
“What kind of strange?”
“Well, he gave Tony Nelson his shirt just because Tony said it was a great-looking shirt.”
Daniel shrugged. “Tony Nelson is on partial scholarship and has a part-time job to help get through college. I think that was a nice thing for Robbie to do.”
“And lately he’s been paying for everything.”
“He probably figures we’ve been taking advantage of Jay Jay. And I think we have.”
Kate sighed. It was so difficult to explain. And now that Daniel put it in this light it seemed so normal. How could she tell him it wasn’t one thing or the other but little bits and pieces that added up to a new and different Robbie? “Maybe it’s my writer’s imagination,” she said. “It’s like … don’t laugh … it’s like Robbie is taking being a Holy Man out of the game and putting it into his life.”
He did laugh.
“You’re laughing,” s
he said.
“Kate, you’re so creative. You’re wonderful. I really don’t think Robbie is turning into Pardieu, nor are you turning into Glacia, nor am I turning into Nimble. I haven’t stolen a thing lately, or even written a bad check. If anything, the game is an outlet for our fantasies. We work out all our problems in the caverns and then we leave them there.”
“What problems do you work out?”
“I think I just play the game,” Daniel said. “Liking the game more than studying is my problem.”
“Mine too,” she said. “I guess you’re right about Robbie. I’ll try not to worry anymore.”
When they drove back to the dorm Kate felt happier than she had in a long time. She had always thought of Daniel as her friend, but now he was really her friend. For the first time since Robbie had become impotent she didn’t feel like there was something wrong with her. She felt just fine.
In the dorm, coming in, she and Daniel passed Robbie in the hall. He smiled at them beatifically, with absolutely no curiosity in his eyes, and they smiled back and said hi. Jay Jay would have asked them where they’d been, afraid he was missing something. Robbie apparently didn’t care.
CHAPTER 6
Jay Jay was happy. Now that Kate and Robbie had broken up he was no longer jealous of Robbie, and had decided good old Robbie was one of the nicest people he’d ever known. Robbie even lent him his car so he could take an extra large prop to the caverns, and didn’t try to sneak around to find out what it was. It was a coffin Jay Jay had borrowed from the drama department. He had discovered a veritable treasure trove of props there, and no one seemed to mind that he took things as long as they weren’t needed and he brought them back. He’d had to tell two of the drama students about the game in the caverns, but they didn’t seem to care and they promised not to tell anyone else. They had all the fantasy they wanted from their plays, and he knew they would never encroach on his game.