by Jamie Beck
He should’ve insisted she go to the doctor earlier this week. But more troubling than her health was the melancholy mood she’d revealed late last night. He’d hated himself for upsetting her. Hated that he couldn’t quite trust his own feelings, allowing past ghosts to spook him. Allowing fear and doubt to intrude.
“All set?” Jon called out from the edge of the cornice where he hovered, ready to huck into the gorge.
“One sec.” Trip returned the skins to his backpack, locked his bindings, and clicked his boots in place. He couldn’t afford to think about Kelsey when avoiding a major accident on his last run of the day required every bit of his concentration.
He edged closer to Jon and gave the thumbs-up. With a quick shout of triumph, Jon shot over the edge. Ten seconds later, Trip followed, a puff of icy powder exploding around him when he landed, snow spray billowing as he descended down the slope, knee-deep in powder.
When they got to the base of the mountain, he declined Jon’s offer to stop at the OS for a drink. Waving off his friend, he then pulled his phone from inside his backpack. Kelsey had called earlier in the morning, but hadn’t left a message. Bob Russell had called, too. That seemed unusual, but maybe he had more news from the Copeland family.
Much as he wanted to kill Wade’s deal, he didn’t relish delivering bad news to Kelsey. Hell, if something had happened, she probably already knew it. Best he face the fire head-on.
He sat on a public bench near the gondola, propped up his skies, and dialed Kelsey. When she didn’t answer, he hung up and called Bob.
“Hello?” Bob answered.
“Hey, Bob. It’s Trip Lexington, returning your call.” Trip stretched his legs out. “What’s up?”
“The Copelands have pulled the deal to sell their land to Wade Kessler.” The man sounded drunk with excitement. Yet somehow Trip’s own sense of victory was tempered by the knowledge of Kelsey’s defeat.
“So it’s dead, for real?” He sat forward, gaze glued to the sidewalk.
“Yessir. Apparently Kelsey and Wade made a last-ditch appeal to the family the other day.”
That news surprised Trip, because other than her general vow to pursue this deal to the bitter end, Kelsey hadn’t mentioned that meeting. He cracked a smile at his firecracker’s determination, one of her most admirable qualities. His thoughts were interrupted when Bob continued speaking.
“Wade tried to downplay the negative aspects of that study, and promised to do a bunch of extra things to address everyone’s needs and concerns.” Bob chuckled. “Good thing the Copelands have been around the block before and knew enough to realize, once Wade owned their land, they’d have no control over what happened.”
Trip knew that wasn’t exactly true, either. They could’ve forced restrictions in the deed or other agreements that would affect the land. Not that he wanted to see Wade build shops and offices, but still.
“So, when did Wade get the bad news? Last night?” Maybe Kelsey had received a text after they’d left her parents’ party. That could explain the dip in her mood late last night, and why she wouldn’t want to discuss it with him.
“Nick couldn’t reach Kelsey, so he called Wade after church this morning.”
Trip wondered if Kelsey had turned off her phone this morning to rest without interruption. She probably called him after she got Nick’s message, ready to ream him out. Given her discomfort and mood this morning, the timing really sucked.
Bob continued, “Gotta hand it to Kessler, though. He’s a class act. Nick said he was polite. Told Nick to please call him if the family changed their minds.”
“I’ve got no personal problem with Kessler. He’s fair. But his goal is to make money, period. I honestly believe that development would’ve been bad, in the long run, for Sterling Canyon.”
“Hey, man, you’re preaching to the choir!” Bob chuckled once more, but Trip knew his own words had mostly been about convincing himself that hurting Kelsey had been for the greater good.
“Well, I’m sitting out here on a cold bench, so I’m going to hang up and head home.” Trip stood and lifted his skis. “Thanks for the update. You have a good day.”
Trip stuck the phone in the backpack, hefted his skis over his shoulder, and walked the few blocks to his home. After a quick shower, he called Kelsey again, hoping she was feeling better, and that she didn’t hate him for killing her deal. Maybe he’d pick up her favorite takeout for dinner as a peace offering.
“Trip, it’s Maura,” Maura said when she answered Kelsey’s phone.
“Maura?” His heart stuttered. “Why are you answering Kelsey’s phone? Did she get sicker today?”
Maura hesitated, as if trying to figure out what to say. “You should come over as soon as possible.”
His pulse sped up slightly as he frowned. “I was already on my way. You sound upset. Is this about Wade Kessler?”
“Wade?” Maura’s confused tone gave him his answer. “No. Just come, okay.”
“Hang on. Tell me what’s wrong.”
After a pause and a sigh, he heard her sniffle. His stomach dropped to his feet while he waited for an answer. “I’m sorry, Trip. Kelsey miscarried. I’m really, really sorry, for both of you.”
Everything went hazy for a second as he processed the news. Kelsey miscarried. “I’ll be there in five minutes.”
He shoved his phone in his pocket and let white-hot anguish consume his body. He shouldn’t have gone skiing today. He’d known it this morning, but shoved aside his instincts to satisfy his own selfish need for pleasure.
The image of Kelsey crying all day, depressed and in pain without him by her side, intensified his guilt and self-loathing.
If this news struck him like a lightning bolt, Kelsey must be inconsolable. No woman ever wanted to be a mom as much as she did. The knowledge that she’d lost the thing she’d most wanted in the world hammered his heart.
Hell, on top of that loss, she probably also received Nick Copeland’s message. Trip had to get to her and find some way to make it all better. Pacing like a prisoner looking for an escape, he finally kicked his bedroom door, loosening the hinges.
On shaky legs, he trotted down the steps to the street below, then broke into a sprint.
Using his key, he let himself into her apartment. Maura was in the kitchen fixing a cup of tea. He expected to see Avery and Emma, too, but was glad neither was there.
“Where is she?” Trip tossed his keys aside and crossed to the kitchen.
“Resting in bed.” Maura blankly stirred cream in the cup. Her red eyes and blotchy face proved she’d spent the day as distraught as her sister.
“What happened?” Trip gripped the back of the kitchen stool to counteract the current instability of his body. “Did she fall or something?”
“No.” Maura shook her head, her eyes watering. She wiped them dry. “Doctor Davis says that about twenty percent of pregnancies end in miscarriage and they don’t always know why. Most likely this was nature’s way of dealing with a genetic defect in the fetus.”
“The doc thinks there was a problem with our baby?” Those two words—our baby—stabbed his chest. Their baby no longer existed, a fact he still couldn’t quite wrap his head around.
“Most likely.” Maura tentatively touched his forearm. “But she examined Kelsey and didn’t see anything to prevent her from getting pregnant again, or carrying to full term next time.”
Mired in his own grief, Trip didn’t respond to Maura. He felt her mood shift before she released him and he saw her hardened expression.
“Of course, you’re not married, so maybe that last part isn’t your concern.” Maura started to turn away, but he grabbed her arm.
In a terse but low tone, he said, “We’re all upset right now, but don’t think for one second that I don’t feel this loss as much as the rest of you. And whatever happens between your sister and me, I know how much being a mother means to her, so it is very much my concern that she still can be one someday.”
Five minutes later, Maura returned to the living room with her purse in hand. “She knows you’re here and asked me to go home, but please call me if she needs me. And Trip, I am sorry for your loss, too. I hope . . . I hope you two can comfort each other.”
After Maura closed the front door, Trip scrubbed his face with his hands and then walked to Kelsey’s room. He drew a deep breath before opening the door.
She lay propped up in bed with Cowboy nestled at her side. When she looked up at him, her chin quivered and fresh tears sprang from her eyes. In three strides, he was at her side.
Careful not to crush her or hurt her, her took her in his arms. Her sobs were loud and authentic and filled with raw emotion, just like every other part of her. His got stuck in his throat, strangling him, keeping him from saying things he felt. Things like how much his heart hurt. How much he’d been looking forward to raising that child with her. How maybe they could try again, if she wanted—a wistful wish that shocked him.
Instead, he remained in silent agony, clinging to her to keep from drowning in his own sorrow.
He’d never felt less of a man.
Kelsey hiccupped and eased away from Trip, pressing herself back into a wall of pillows, looking utterly exhausted. She grabbed more tissues from the nightstand and blew her nose.
Avoiding his gaze, she squeaked out, “I’m sorry,” and her face began to crumple again.
He kissed her forehead. “Don’t you apologize for anything, princess. I’m the one who’s sorry. I should’ve stayed with you today. I knew you weren’t well, but I took off, like a selfish bastard, determined to ski.”
“You didn’t know.” She wiped more tears from her cheeks.
“I knew something was wrong.” He ran his hands through his hair, acid burning its way through his gut. “Still, I couldn’t resist the draw of all that snow.”
Kelsey glanced out the window. “Well, October ninth will be memorable for more than that freak storm now.”
Trip didn’t know what to say. His thoughts were racing around his head like a hamster in a wheel. “Do you feel okay? I mean, are you hurting anywhere? What can I do to make you more comfortable?”
“Nothing, Trip. There’s nothing you can do.” She glanced at her phone, and then up at him. “Turns out losing the baby isn’t the only bad news I got today, by the way.”
She slid him a sideways glance, as if gauging what he knew.
Damn it. “Kelsey, I—”
“Don’t.” Kelsey held up her hand while shaking her head. “Our relationship may never have been perfect, but it’s always been honest. We both know you wanted to kill Wade’s deal, so let’s not pretend otherwise now.”
“Okay. But this is the truth. I am sorry my tactics cost you something you wanted. I wish . . . well, I wish there had been some kind of compromise, I guess.”
“Maybe compromise just means no one is happy, and what’s the use of that?” She squeezed his hand, and then released it. He didn’t like the tone of her voice, or the distant aspect of her gaze.
“What’s going on in that head of yours?”
Her eyes got all misty again as she chewed on her lip. A few second later, she tipped up her chin. “Today was a big wake-up call. First the baby, then my business. Somehow I’d been going along fooling myself into thinking I was getting closer to reaching all my goals, when really, I was just getting sidetracked. Now that the baby is gone,” her voice cracked, “Well, I think this is the end of the road for us.”
“What?” He reached for her hand and kissed it, pretending her words didn’t rock him. “I’m not walking out on you now, princess.”
She shook her head, wearing a sorrowful grin. “I don’t want or need your pity, cowboy.”
“It’s not about pity.” He leaned in to kiss her, but caught only her cheek because she turned her face. He took hold of her chin. “Don’t shut me out. I’m right here with you, and I hurt, too.”
Her amber eyes glistened as she brushed his cheek with her palm. “I know you do, but the truth is, you were with me mostly because of the baby. We both know the last thing you’d ever planned on, or wanted, was to be saddled with me and a child for the rest of your life. Now there’s nothing tying us together.” Her voice cracked. “You’re free to go back to the carefree life you love without any guilt.”
“Didn’t we just talk about all this last night?” He rose off the mattress and walked in a circle like a dog chasing its own tail. “I’m not looking to get out. I like the way things are with us. I’m happy, dammit.”
Her gaze dropped to her hands, which were folded on her lap. In a quiet voice, she said, “But I’m not.”
He stopped in his tracks, although his heart sped up as if he were running. “You’re not?”
She shook her head, still refusing to meet his gaze.
His body tensed while his breathing grew strained. Surely he’d misunderstood her. “Well, I mean, of course I’m not happy right now, with what happened today. But I’m happy with you. That’s what I’m trying to say.”
He watched her lower lip tremble before she pressed it into a firm line. Finally, she looked up.
“I’m not happy, Trip.” Her voice barely registered above a whisper.
“You’re really not?” That realization practically knocked him on his ass.
“I need more than you can give me.” Kelsey’s eyes filled with tears again. “For most of my life, I’ve dreamed about a husband and a family. But now I understand that’s not really all I want. What I want is a man who loves me. Who needs me like he needs oxygen. Who wants the same things I want and isn’t afraid of making a commitment.” A tear rolled down her cheek as she sniffled. “God, this would be so much easier if I hadn’t gone and fallen in love with you. I tried, and I mean, I really tried not to because I knew it couldn’t ever work. I knew you would never love me back. Then I got pregnant, and I thought it was a sign. But there are no signs. So no matter how much it hurts, I know what I need to do, because ultimately I know what I need to be truly happy.”
“Kelsey.” Her bold profession of love left him dumbfounded.
“Last night I asked you, point-blank, if you’d ever consider marriage. You dodged the question, which gave me the answer. I don’t doubt that you care about me, but I know you don’t love me beyond reason, which is what I’m looking for, what I deserve, and what I hope I’ll find one day from the right someone. So unless something’s changed . . .” When he blinked without speaking, she said, “Didn’t think so.”
Before he found his voice, she climbed out from under the covers. As she went into her closet, he asked, “Where are you going?”
She returned holding his grandfather’s hat.
“It’s time to give this back.” Her glistening eyes belied the false smile she wore as she reached up to place his hat on his head. With a slight quake in her voice, she said, “Nothing has turned out as either of us planned, so it’s best if we say good-bye and close this chapter of our lives. A clean break so we can still be friends. Good friends.”
He pulled her close. “Princess, you’re breaking my heart. I don’t want to say good-bye, or just be your friend.” He kissed the top of her head. “Today has been the worst day. Let’s not make any big decisions.”
And then, because he needed to convince her and didn’t know any other way to express himself, he kissed her. He kissed her like his life depended on it, because at that moment, it felt like it did. When she responded, a bit of relief swept through him. But then she pushed him away.
“If you care about me at all, you’ll make this easier for me, not harder, Trip. Please. I lost everything today, so please let me at least save my dignity. In the long run, we both know this is the best decision.”
He didn’t realize he was crying until she raised her ha
nd to wipe away the tear from the corner of his eye.
He’d let himself get close, but it wasn’t enough for her. She wanted everything. Yet this kick in the teeth proved it was smarter to withhold himself and his heart. Imagine the pain if he gave her everything and then she rejected him?
Trip couldn’t allow himself to be that vulnerable. He didn’t want to leave her alone that night, but he couldn’t risk staying. Staying might lead to exposing things he couldn’t retract.
If she wasn’t happy, he couldn’t force her to accept his vision of a perfect relationship any more than she could force him to accept hers.
He hugged her again, imprinting his body with the feel and smell of her. “Okay, princess. Whatever you want.”
She buried her face in his chest, and through a muffled cry, he heard her say, “Thank you.”
Chapter Nineteen
“Gunner, I’m sorry to hear about the baby.” Trip’s dad’s voice sounded almost as depressed as Trip felt. “Deb and I went through the same thing before we had Mason, so I know a bit about how you feel.”
His father meant well, but Trip didn’t want to discuss the miscarriage. Or Deb’s experience. “Thanks.”
“How’s Kelsey? Are you doing whatever she needs to help her get through it?”
Like any time he thought of Kelsey in the past twenty-four hours, his heart seemed to stop beating for a second or two, and then it wrung dry like an old dishrag.
“I suppose you could say that.” Trip couldn’t help the burst of sarcasm gilding his words.
“What’s that mean?”
Trip heaved a sigh, wishing he could hang up and disappear for a while. “She ended things. She asked me to walk away, so I did.”
His father huffed through the phone. “What the hell’s wrong with you?”
“Nothing.” Trip’s brows lowered. “I’m giving her what she wants.”
“Is that so?” His dad’s sarcasm now rivaled his own.
“Yes. I asked her to reconsider, but she wanted a clean break.”