by K. C. Hamby
I want him to suffer.
I need him to suffer. I need to see the life drain from his body, with my knife as the spile.
I look down at him with all the malice in me. Footsteps pound up the stairs, but I have to ignore them. I pull back my arm—knife in hand—and send it flying toward Damien’s throat, but it doesn’t meet the mark. He moves at the last second, faster than I have ever seen him move, and plows his fist into my stomach. I double over to catch even the smallest breath and he knocks his fist into the side of my face so hard, I slam to the floor of the roof and shift out of my control. My head hits the gravel, and the edges of my vision cloud. Black spots dance across the roof as I watch four Damien’s get off their knees and pick up their sickles. I try to get up, but my paws keep flying out from under me. The world becomes darker as I try to stand and face the Damiens moving closer.
They blend together and become one evil son of a bitch. My body shifts back to my person without my consent and he smiles down at me, ready to rip my throat out. I try to grab his ankles, but he moves them lazily, picking me up by a fist full of my hair. I scream at him, kicking and clawing as he tilts my head to the side and touches the point of his sickle right under my left ear.
“You fucking piece of shit, I’m going to kill you!”
He just laughs at my feeble attempts to get away. My hair is tearing from my scalp and I’m so dizzy. Goddess, I may black out. I try reaching for my knife lying on the gravel a few feet away, but it’s too far.
“Ah, tsk tsk tsk. Language, Reaper. There are children present.” He gasps in faux horror. “Oh, wait. No, there aren’t.” He drags the blade down the side of my neck; down to my collarbone. I wail and yank away with everything I have. Strands of hair rip out of my head, but I’m out of his grip and grabbing my knife. I slide on my knees as I turn back to face him and I plunge the blade into his thigh—the only thing I can reach—and he screams in agony when I yank it out. I watch as the crimson life fluid flows onto his jeans and I cackle in spite of my failing vision. He hobbles away to the edge of the building as someone bursts through the door to the stairs.
“No,” I whisper as I watch Damien somehow jump far enough to make it to the next building’s roof.
How the fuck is this happening to me again? How is he stronger?
I crawl after him. He can’t get away. I have to end him for good. Goddammit, I can’t even think of his name.
“No!” My knees and palms scrape on the gravel as I pull myself forward.
“Fal!” I hear, but I can’t lose focus. He can’t get away. Not after…
I try to stand, but I’m too dizzy and my neck is burning. Tears are pouring out of my eyes, blinding me more than the blackness at the corners of everything. I violently swipe at them and continue crawling.
“No! No! Come back and fight me, you bastard!” I’m screaming so loudly it hurts my own ears. My vocal chords shriek with the strain and my adrenaline is fading; reality is catching up with me.
Someone grabs me from behind, keeping me from following him.
“Let go of me! No! Nathan!”
At the sound of his name on my lips, I fall apart. My body goes limp in the arms of whoever is holding me.
“Fal!” It’s Ash. He’s the one pulling me back. I crumble into his arms, sobbing.
“Nathan. Oh, goddess, no.”
Ash holds me close, almost tight enough to keep me together, but it’s not enough. I shift in grief and whine so sharply, Ash winces as he holds my furry, bloody body.
Nathan is gone. He’ll never smile at me again. I will never get to tell him I’m proud of him or he’s the best little brother I could have ever asked for.
He’s gone. He’ll never know.
My body shakes in sobs and I howl low, beginning to hyperventilate. The world is closing in on me.
“Fal, breathe,” Ash coos softly and brushes my fur with his fingers. He rocks me in his arms as much as he can, trying to lull me into a calm state. I try to breathe like he says, but everything I’m inhaling is reality and reality is too painful for me to bear. This can’t be real. I don’t want to do this. I can’t do this.
I calm down to the point where I’m only whining quietly; I have nothing left. My body is giving up on me, not wanting to be a part of this new, cruel world. Ash parts the fur on my neck and I yelp at the pain.
“Shit, Fal. That looks bad.”
It feels bad. It burns, like the sickle was coated with..
“Wolfsbane,” Ash whispers after sniffing the air, horrified.
“Let me,” Nina prods, squatting in front of me. I didn’t even know she was here. I crawl across the gravel to where she now sits and drop my head in her lap. A calm warmth takes over despite the world exploding around me. She puts her hands on my neck and, gradually, the pain dulls. I whimper and look up at Nina with her eyes closed and face becoming paler the more my pain dulls. I paw at her, begging her to stop. She opens her eyes faintly, smiling down on me. Tension releases in my body and I shift back, slamming into my person form and into Nina’s arms.
I turn and Ash is gone. I look back at Nina, terrified. “What did you do?”
“I don’t know. Something told me to touch you and…I felt your pain. I knew how to fix it somehow. I didn’t get all of it.” She tilts my head slightly and I wince. “But you won’t bleed out or anything.” She shakes her head, as confused as I am. A heaviness settles on my chest as my brain begins to process what has happened.
“Goddess, Nina, I should have never left him alone. He was my responsibility!” I choke and she shushes me.
“Shhhh, it’s not your fault.” She sobs, not being able to hold in her sadness either. I’ve told her so much about Nathan. They were instant friends. She knows how much he means to me.
Or, I guess it’s meant now, isn’t it?
I sit in her arms for what seems like hours as I grieve. This will be my only opportunity before I have to shut everything off and deal with the consequences. Nina kisses my red, puffy eyes and pulls me up and wraps my arm around her shoulders for support as we take the stairs, descending into the inevitable. My eyes glaze over as I shut down everything I’ve gained in the last year. It hurts too much. I can’t.
We eventually make it to the alleyway where it happened and find Ash leaning sorrowfully against the SUV. He catches sight of us and his eyes fill with relief as I meet them with tear-filled ones of my own. He nods his head in the direction of the trunk and Nina lets me go alone as I begrudgingly follow, not prepared at all.
“I’m sorry, Fal. There is something you need to see,” Ash whispers, his voice revealing how much he doesn’t want to do this either. He’s still my brother and he will always want to shield me from pain as much as he can.
I stand silently, waiting for him to make the first move. He opens the hatch of the trunk and I nearly run for it.
Nathan. He….it’s like he’s sleeping. I guess this is Ash’s doing. I thank the goddess now more than ever for his ability to clean shit up. Tears glide down my face as I stare at the shell that was Nathan.
“What do you need to show me?” I whisper so low and monotone, I can barely hear it myself. Ash hesitates for a few seconds. He finally reaches over to pull Nathan’s shirt up on his side. I glance at Ash once before I lean in to look.
I snatch my head back so rapidly, one would think a snake struck at me. I make Ash jump.
Hecate’s wheel. It’s on his right side, exactly where mine is.
Nathan was Chosen.
Chapter 32
Everything clicks in place in an instant. Nathan asking if I could hear Hecate, him learning everything so quickly, and mastering every single thing I taught him.
“Oh, goddess, no,” I cry and cover my mouth with a cold palm. Not only did I let my chosen little brother and the Pack Leader’s son be murdered, a Chosen Lupi is dead and it’s all my fault.
No. I shove all thoughts of Nathan into the vault where I used to keep Mom and turn off all my emotions
. I have things I need to get done and I can’t do them if I’m crying in a corner. I peer down beside Nathan’s body, catching the Lapis Lazuli pommeled dagger lying beside him. What’s left of my heart lurches.
No, Fal. Keep it together.
I snatch the dagger off the tarp and attach it to my belt without a word. I nod to Ash, giving him the go ahead to close the hatch. I hurry to the front of the SUV, not wanting to watch him close the door on Nathan. It feels too final and I almost collapse just hearing it slam.
I lean against the SUV and Nina encloses me in her embrace. Her lavender vanilla hair dances across my face. It’s almost enough to pull me back. Almost.
“Okay, this is what we are going to do.” Ash deadpans, taking the lead. “We are going to drop Nina off at her apartment and I’m going to call Invidia to sit outside and watch the place. Fal and I will go to the Complex. I’ll….turn in Nathan.” He pauses, expecting me to cringe. I don’t. “Fal, you’ll go talk to Cosma. They’ll have a pyre almost immediately, so I’ll stay with Nina the rest of the night.” He stares at me like I’m a beaten puppy he wants to comfort. Nina nods her head in acknowledgement of Ash’s plan and looks up at me.
“I love you. You can do this.” I push my forehead to hers, refusing to cry.
“I love you, Nina. Please…”
“I’m not going anywhere, Fal. I promise.” She grabs my face and closes her eyes. The heaviness sitting on my chest like a ton of bricks becomes lighter and more bearable. My eyes shoot to her now open ones in alarm. She shrugs.
Did she just….heal some of me emotionally too?
That’s something I can’t worry about right now.
We pile into the SUV, Nina and I sharing the front seat because neither one of us can handle being close to Nathan. Ash turns on the radio to some Pop song I would probably congratulate him on if I weren’t numb.
A long, agonizing ride later, we pull up to Nina’s apartment. Ash stays in the SUV while Nina and I shuffle out. Invidia sits in her fire red mustang. She hangs back, giving Nina and I space. We walk to the door of the apartment and I kiss Nina like I’m never going to see her again. I’ve lost two people I love and I can’t bear to have anyone else taken from me. I hold onto her with everything in me, tears streaming down my face.
When it seems I can carry this heavy weight on my own, I pull back and tell Nina I love her.
Walking down her steps nearly pulls all the life I have left out of me. I get in the SUV and Ash takes off toward the Complex. A minute or two later, a thick, copper scent attacks everything I am. I gag, putting my head between my knees. I yell something to Ash about how he needs to hurry. I can’t handle this. It’s too much. The smell of Nathan’s blood is going to throw me off the edge of the cliff I’m so desperately clinging to.
Ash steps on the gas and we get to the Complex in record time. I nearly fall out of the passenger door when we park, trying to breathe air not tainted by the wrongful death of Nathan. My Nathan.
I run to my apartment and slam the door, not even telling Ash anything. I need alone time before I face Cosma; before I face what I’ve done.
***
I take the biggest breath I ever have before and push open the office door. It’s so deathly quiet, the creaking of the door rings my ears as it penetrates through the silence. I walk in at a snail’s pace, only paying attention to my barely moving feet. I stop in front of Cosma’s desk and drag my eyes up into the inevitable.
She’s looking out of her window not even acknowledging my existence. I stay quiet. I don’t even pretend to begin to know what to say to her. ‘I’m sorry’ wants to fall out of my mouth, but it’s not enough. It’s never going to be enough.
“What happened?” She growls it so low, I have to strain to hear. I hesitate, the explanation sticking in my throat like a pill I can’t swallow. “WHAT HAPPENED?” she yells, turning her chair around rapidly, making the wheels shriek. I fall on the floor in shock. My legs just won’t hold me anymore. I’ve never heard her yell like this. I’ve never seen her lose her temper. Her voice is so broken and ragged; her eyes red and swollen, full of anguish and despair. I rush to answer, my knees bruising from the hard floor.
“I..it was Damien, the Poacher that did this to my face.” I swipe at a stray tear and continue, my voice cracking. “I killed his wife or lover or something, and he was seeking revenge.” I pull myself into one of the chairs in front of me. I’m breathing too hard; my chest threatening to cave in. Cosma wheels herself over and stops right in front of me. The grief covering her musky scent chokes me.
She jabs a finger into her chest. “I didn’t want him to be a part of any of this! He was never meant to be an assassin,” she breathes and throws her hands in the air. “He was too kind, too gentle.”
“He was..” I don’t understand. Of course, he was both of those things, but he was meant to be an assassin. “He was going to be deadly. He was strong and capable. He was smart and…” I croak. “He was Chosen.” Cosma drops her head.
“I know.”
My head jerks back in astonishment. She’s supposed to be the one following all the rules and enforcing them. She was hiding her own son because she didn’t want him living a Chosen life. She was keeping him safe. She was his Ash.
She wheels back behind her desk and clears her throat, attempting to look and sound professional and not like a mother whose heart has been ripped out by the premature death of her son. “The pyre will be tonight.” She pauses for a while; like she doesn’t want to say the next words because it will make this too real or because she doesn’t want it to happen. I don’t know.
“I want you to light it.” I nearly fall out of the chair. I can’t.. The person closest to the deceased is supposed to light the pyre.
“Cosma, I…I can’t. You should.” She shakes her head in finality.
“He loved you, Falen. He loved you like you were his big sister,” she whispers.
I cover my mouth with my hand, holding back a sorrowful moan. I nod once.
“As for missions, you will take a hiatus until further notice.”
I stand up so fast, I nearly fly off my feet.
“You can’t do that! I have to find that bastard. I will kill him!”
“You will do what I say as your Alpha!” Her Alpha power rolls through the room, but I don’t flinch.
I will not sit back and let that son of a bitch get away with this.
Cosma’s face goes from anger to bewilderment, realizing I’m not bending to her command. She holds up her hand when I open my mouth to say a command of my own. “You will do as I say because, when you come back, I will have a mission for you.” She snarls. “And it will be personal. For both of us.”
I stumble back into the chair. Her eyes are full of fury and malice. She’s going to send me to kill Damien. My own fury replaces the desolation in my chest. I nod sharply and stand, walking out of the office without another word.
I have to get ready for a mission I never wanted: lighting Nathan’s pyre.
Chapter 33
I stand on the deck beside the pyre, looking down at everyone gathered on the ground. There are at least 100 Lupi here all dressed in traditional funeral attire. Their eyes are painted over in black and everyone wears all black leather armor. My chest plate fits snugly against my breasts, my family symbol etched in the hard, black leather. The symbol of family Thana is an inverted torch, the meaning is death. Thick, leather wrist cuffs lace up my arms, nearly meeting the raven wing-like sleeves of my upper armor. Knee-high, black boots wind tightly over my skin tight, thick pants. An intricate belt embroidered with carved poppies—another symbol of my family meaning death—wraps around my waist. Nathan’s Lapis Lazuli stoned dagger is attached, hiding its gleaming silver in its sheath. My eyes are painted and my hair is pulled back, braided on each side of my head and left long on the top. I pulled it back in a long, messy ponytail, giving the allusion of what Ash calls an undercut. It reveals the new scar starting under my left ear and slicin
g down my neck, ending at my collarbone below my armor. It’s another gift from Damien. I wish had a receipt so I could kindly return it or maybe even re-gift it to him.
My evil eye necklace seems to be burning a hole in the nape of my neck, giving me a chilling reminder how real this is. I touch the eye, praying for Nathan’s safe travels to the Elysian Fields; heaven for gods, goddesses, and heroes. Hecate promised each of us place there in exchange for our servitude.
The pyre sits high, taller than two of Ash stacked on top of each other. The smell of freshly chopped wood surrounds me, giving the illusion of calm when it’s actually about to go up in flames and take Nathan with it. Cosma sits behind me on the platform built for the ceremony and lighting of the pyre.
I finally work up the courage to glance down at Nathan. He lies on a black sheet, appearing as if he were sleeping. His breastplate holds the symbol of family Nuntis: A sun. They are descended from sun wolves. Nathan’s sharp eyes are painted in assassin fashion; an assassin he will never be. Two coins with Hecate’s wheel on each side rest over his eyelids: his way of getting a ride on the river Styx from Charon, the boatman of the Underworld.
I push my emotions back, not wanting to show weakness in front of everyone, no matter how much I want to sob and scream as loud as my vocal chords will allow. Cosma takes a breath.
It’s time.
“It is always a great loss when one of our own is taken.” Her voice comes out strong, like an Alpha. “We are aware of the risk we take. We all know death is inevitable. But, our children have not been given the chance to take the Vow.” Her voice waivers and I gently touch her shoulder in support. “A gift, a great potential, a child of Hecate has been taken from us. Please, pray with me, the Prayer of Death.” There is a pause throughout the crowd, then we begin at once; a collective voice of Lupi that mourns in solidarity.
“Hecate, Dark One, hear our plea. Bring justice now, we ask of thee. Right the wrongs that have been done, and welcome home your Chosen one.” Our voices travel over the Complex and echo with sorrow.