She must act now.
Pearl bubbled on and on about the costumes and the play while they dressed for Sunday services. Since all Amanda’s sewing was done except for the finishing touches on Pearl’s gown, she would beg off assisting at school Monday afternoon and finish the gown. Hopefully by then she would have Garrett’s promise to bring her upriver the following day.
She hadn’t seen any steamboats on the river of late, but then she didn’t make a habit of looking for them. Her life centered on the school, the boardinghouse and Garrett’s house, none of which were on the river. Any number of boats might have come and gone. Someone must bring food and supplies and whatever was needed upriver.
“Have you seen any boats lately?” she interjected when Pearl paused to pin on her hat.
“Boats?”
“On the river. Surely they’re still coming and going, at least upriver.”
“I suppose. I don’t pay a lot of attention to that.”
“Oh.” Amanda tried not to sound too disappointed. “I thought maybe you’d seen them from the store or that Roland mentioned something.”
Pearl smiled. “We don’t talk about business matters when we’re together. We’re too busy planning the future.”
That only made Amanda’s spirits dip lower. “With the snow gone, you can be assured Brother John will get here in time.” A thought occurred to her. “Does he come by boat?”
Pearl laughed. “I think he walks, but perhaps he does take a boat part of the way. Why the sudden obsession with boats?”
“No particular reason.” Amanda busied herself arranging her curls and pinning on her Sunday hat.
“Are you expecting someone or something?” Pearl clucked her tongue. “I told you I didn’t want a gift. Your presence as my bridesmaid is quite enough. Do tell me you haven’t done something foolish.”
Amanda picked up her bag. “We need to hurry or we’ll be late for services.”
“Amanda,” Pearl called out as she left the room on her heels. “I insist. No gifts. Understand? If you ordered something, send it back. In fact, I’ll tell Roland to send it back.”
Amanda had to stop this before Pearl caused an uproar and got the other women worried that she’d figured out their gift. She paused at the top of the stairs. Below, she could hear Fiona warming up her voice. They had privacy.
“There’s nothing coming in by boat,” she told Pearl. “I just...well, I heard Jake took a room in Allegan.”
“Oh.” Understanding dawned on Pearl’s face. “Tell me you aren’t considering going there by yourself.”
Amanda touched a finger to her mouth to quiet her friend. She didn’t want anyone spreading this all over town. “I’m going to ask Garrett.”
A smile curved Pearl’s lips. “I hope it works out for you. I’ll give you the children’s assignments before you leave.”
Amanda felt her cheeks heat. Naturally, the children must go along. They would look like a family. This was a ridiculous idea. What if they had to stay overnight? Could she afford both passage and a night’s lodging? And she really ought to pay for Garrett and the children. It wasn’t right to ask him to pay the cost for her curiosity. The whole voyage might end in enormous disappointment right before Christmas. And before Pearl’s wedding.
She caught her breath. Surely a week was more than enough time to travel twenty miles upriver and back again.
* * *
Garrett whistled as he readied the children for church. He’d gotten out the old harmonica last night but couldn’t play it. It sat on the bureau in his room. Maybe someday he’d pick it up. Maybe he would teach Amanda how to play.
“Can we have a tree, Papa?” Sadie asked, her eyes wide with hope.
He hadn’t put up one last year. Roland did, but Garrett refused to bring out of storage the little paper fans and ribbons that Eva had used her last Christmas. They’d ended up stringing popped corn and berries for decorations. It had been a sad tree without a single candle to light it at night.
“We will cut one down Friday after work. How does that sound?”
“Yippee!” Sadie hopped up and down so much that he couldn’t tie the ribbon in her hair.
“Stand still a minute.”
She settled just that long, and he managed a pitiful bow that would make Mrs. Calloway shake her head. Amanda would do a much better job. She did everything beautifully and was good with the children, especially Sadie. It had taken him too long to recognize that.
“Woot-woot...” Isaac made the sound of a steam whistle as he pushed his toy tugboat along the tabletop. “Coming in to the wharf. All hands on deck.”
Garrett marveled that his son had picked up some of the nautical jargon and was grateful he hadn’t yet dared to repeat the more colorful language. If only Garrett could keep them at this age. He sighed. They would grow up and question everything. Sadie would need a mother’s advice. He’d made the right decision.
Now, he had to trust that Amanda felt the same way, that she would put the children’s welfare ahead of any fancy ideas of romance. Marrying for the sake of the children was one thing. Marrying for love was quite another. He wasn’t ready for that yet.
“Let’s get our coats on,” Garrett prompted.
Through the frosty windows he could see the Calloways, Pearl and Amanda leaving the boardinghouse. They would wait for Roland to join them and then head to church. Garrett hoped to have a word with Amanda while his brother occupied the children. Roland had promised last night that he’d arrange that moment alone with Amanda.
Garrett finished buttoning Sadie’s coat and straightened her hat. Isaac could put on his coat, hat and mittens without help, but Sadie still needed a little coaxing to get ready. He could envision Amanda buttoning Sadie’s coat and kissing her before they all left for church. His heart swelled at the vision.
With the children waiting at the door, he threw on his coat, hat and gloves. Then he grabbed the Bible and ushered them out into the clear sunny morning. Not a breath of wind rustled the frosted grasses poking up from the remnants of snow that hadn’t melted in the late day sun yesterday. The rest would melt today.
“Miss Mana! Miss Pearl!” Sadie called out, running to join the ladies.
The Calloways led the way, with Pearl and Amanda following. Roland brought up the rear. Isaac naturally joined his uncle, full of questions about tugboats, of all things. Garrett wondered why the sudden interest.
“Mr. Underwood said he saw a steamer headed this way from points south,” Roland told his nephew. “Maybe it’ll stop here.”
Isaac danced along with his uncle. Underwood kept the light in the lighthouse atop the big dune. He’d see any approaching vessels, but Garrett was surprised that Roland had seen the keeper already this morning.
“Is there trouble up at the light?” Garrett asked his brother.
“Just needed something for his rheumatism.” Roland grinned. “I haven’t forgotten what you asked me to do.” He then called Pearl and Sadie to his side on the pretense that they needed to discuss the family’s Christmas dinner.
Amanda naturally dropped back, and soon Garrett found himself alone with her. Yet now that she walked beside him, he couldn’t find the words. How did a man ask a woman to marry in name alone? A blunt question would not bring the hoped-for results, but he hadn’t a gift for flowery language.
He cleared his throat. “Lovely morning.”
“Especially after yesterday’s snowfall.” Her cheeks bloomed pink, and she did not look at him, as if fearing what he would say.
His heart sank. How could he get this out if she was afraid to listen or even look at him?
She pulled her coat tighter. It was probably the cold morning, but it felt like she was shielding herself against what he was about to ask. He fished around for something else to thaw the silence
.
“I’m sorry about the misunderstanding yesterday.”
She looked at him then. “What misunderstanding?”
Now it was his turn to be confused. “About supper.”
“Roland said you and the children would eat with him. Was I supposed to fix supper for you?”
“No. No, but I hadn’t intended to work so late. I should have come by to tell you.”
“Oh. No, that’s all right.” Again she looked ahead, but her cheeks had that pretty pink glow to them. “I understand.”
Garrett’s mind raced for something else to say and came up empty. Surely she must realize what he wanted to ask. She had responded to that advertisement for a bride, after all. They both wanted more or less the same thing. Then why couldn’t he find the words?
“I, uh...” He couldn’t think of another word.
“Yes?” she asked hopefully.
Too hopefully. As if she expected romance.
His chest squeezed so tight that it felt like he’d suffocate. He tugged at the collar of his shirt. “I’m glad it stopped snowing before much accumulated on the ground.”
“Oh.” She sounded disappointed. “Me, too.”
Garrett could kick himself. What was wrong with him? Last night he knew exactly what he needed to do. Now, he couldn’t spit out one syllable. Silence stretched as they walked closer to the church. Other townsfolk joined their party, and the opportunity had passed. Another time, perhaps. Then Sadie turned back to look at them, and with a twinge of guilt he recalled her wish for a new mama.
He halted. “Miss Porter.”
“Mr. Decker.” She stopped also, her bag pressed against her midsection as if she feared someone would take it. Her gaze was riveted to the boardwalk.
The others trickled around them until they were again alone.
“I have something to ask you,” they said at the same time.
Amanda blushed.
An embarrassed chuckle burst out of Garrett.
Her color deepened. He’d messed that up.
“I’m sorry,” he said again.
“Me, too. You go first.”
“No, you. Ladies first.”
She fidgeted with her bag before heaving a big sigh and drawing up her shoulders. “I—I’m looking for a gentleman to escort me.” Her voice trailed off into a whisper, so he had to lean close to hear.
“Escort you?” he echoed, not understanding.
“Upriver.” Her face flamed red, and her eyes darted anywhere but at him. “You see, my brother—at least I hope he’s my brother—has taken a room in Allegan, and I need to find out if he is who I think he is. Or hope he is.” Only then did she lift her gaze to look at Garrett. Those long dark lashes swept nearly to her eyebrows and framed her violet eyes to perfection.
He didn’t understand. “You don’t know if this man is your brother?”
“I’m sorry. I didn’t explain that very well. You see, when my parents were killed in a train accident, I was sent to live with my grandmother, while my older brother, Jacob, was sent to live with an uncle in Missouri.” She bit her lip, the distress evident. “Grandmama died a little while later, and I was sent to the orphanage. They said my brother had run away, and no one knew where he was. I wrote my uncle, but the letters were returned, addressee unknown. Miss Hornswoggle—she ran the orphanage—said that meant he’d moved or died.”
Amanda’s story tugged at Garrett’s heart. No wonder she understood Isaac and Sadie so well. She had suffered the loss of a parent, too, in fact both parents. To be sent to an orphanage... He shuddered. If something happened to him, Roland would take the children, but if anything happened to both of them, Sadie and Isaac would end up in an orphanage, too. Even more reason to marry.
“Earlier this fall, before the big logging rush,” she said, “I’d heard there was a man about my age named Jake working up in the lumber camps. I expected him to come downriver with the logs, but he didn’t. Some said he’d headed north. Just yesterday, Fiona told me that he’s taken a room in Allegan. I need to go there soon, before the camps open after Christmas.”
Garrett tried to take it all in. “Why do you think this man is your brother?”
“Because he has dark hair like me.”
That seemed far-fetched at best. “And the same color of eyes?”
“I don’t know.” She bit her lip. “I don’t remember if Jacob’s eyes were blue or violet, but I have to find out for certain, don’t you see? And Pearl says I need to have a reputable gentleman escort me. For my safety. The children can join us, make it an outing.”
Garrett should be pleased that she considered him both reputable and a gentleman, but he could only think of the insanity of this proposal. “You have no idea if it’s your brother. You said he was in Missouri. Why would he have come to Michigan?”
“For work?” Her voice wavered.
“That’s a long distance to travel, especially for someone who would have had no experience logging. It would make more sense for him to have hired out on one of the farms between your uncle’s farm and New York. You were from New York?”
She nodded. “I suppose you’re right. But how can I rest, knowing that I had a chance to find him and gave it up? I’ve saved enough to pay for passage upriver. I could pay your passage also. And for the children.”
Upriver. The single word hit with the force of a felled tree crashing to the forest floor. She intended to take a boat upriver. A boat. In the icy cold river. Visions of Eva struggling to cling to the capsized boat crowded his mind. The chunks of ice bumped into her. Frozen fingers could not hold on. She slipped beneath the surface while he raced frantically back and forth along the shore, looking for some conveyance, no matter how small, to take across to rescue her. Instead, Roland had grabbed the only boat and rowed furiously in her direction, but it was too late. By the time he retrieved her body and brought her to shore, she was gone.
And Garrett’s anger had caused it all.
He closed his eyes against the memories, but such images never leave. They return again and again, each time just as raw and filled with pain.
“Please?” The whispered plea came with the clasp of a warm hand.
Eva’s hand hadn’t been warm. It had been cold when she clung to him. It had been cold when he pushed her away. But neither of those compared to the icy blue fingers that curled under, as if clutching for the last strands of life.
He had let Eva down.
“I will pay your fare, too,” Amanda repeated.
He could not look at her, lest he still see Eva pleading for him to forgive her for betraying her vows. Adultery. Not with his brother, thankfully. Garrett now knew Roland would never have agreed to such a thing. Instead she’d succumbed to the charms of a stranger who’d come to town on one ship and disappeared on the next. She’d said she never intended the flirtation to go that far.
Garrett hadn’t been able to listen. He’d shaken her off and turned away from her, to try to gather his emotions. She’d cried out, something unintelligible, and ran out of the house. He’d been relieved for a time, since he needed to simmer down. Then Roland burst into the house saying she was in trouble in the river.
The river.
Garrett shuddered.
“I’m sorry,” she cried. Except that wasn’t Eva talking, it was Amanda. “I didn’t mean to upset you. If you’d rather the children not join us, I can ask Pearl to look after them. It might only take a day.”
Garrett stared at her, trying to wash off the haze of memory to see the woman standing before him, but the dark hair and violet eyes only clouded every attempt to distinguish one from the other.
“I—I can try to find someone else,” Amanda said.
Garrett shook off the past long enough to caution her. “Why don’t you write instead? It would b
e less hazardous and not take you away at Christmastime.”
Her gaze dropped. “I suppose you’re right, but what if he can’t read?”
“You were separated before you could read and write?”
She nodded, and then lifted her gaze in a desperate plea. “I must know. He’s my only living relation.”
Garrett glanced toward the river. Steam lifted skyward, for the water was still a bit warmer than the air. It wasn’t icy like in early spring, but it was cold enough...cold enough to kill.
His heart turned to ice. “I’m sorry. I can’t.”
Chapter Sixteen
Amanda barely heard the sermon and couldn’t recall a word of it afterward. She sang the familiar Christmas carols without one verse entering conscious thought. She prepared Sunday dinner for Garrett and his children, but what she’d envisioned as a joyous gathering was terribly quiet. The children sensed the tension between their father and her. Soon their chatter trailed off into careful silence.
Sadie picked at the chicken and dumplings, one of her favorite dishes. Amanda tasted it to make sure she hadn’t added too much salt or pepper. It tasted the same as before.
During services, all she could think about was how to make the journey upriver on her own, but perhaps Garrett was right. Perhaps a letter of inquiry would do just as well. It might even bring the lumberjack Jake to Singapore. Tonight she would write.
“Do you expect someone to take mail upriver to Allegan this week?” she blurted out.
Garrett looked up from the plate of food he’d been shoveling into this mouth. He took a gulp of water and swallowed. “It’s been a while. A tugboat should stop by before long.
“Good.” She managed a weak smile. “I want to send a letter that way.”
His gaze warmed. “A wise decision.”
His approval meant more than it should, for it was strong enough to battle her desire to learn the truth. Deep down, she wanted to sprint to that boat and beg passage to Allegan at the earliest opportunity. A letter seemed a poor substitute for seeing the man face-to-face. She would know Jacob at once. Surely she would. Though they were just five and six years of age when parted, he was her only sibling. Even now she could recall the way he’d teased her about the curls in her hair. She thought of the broken locket. Perhaps he might have the other half. If he had changed as much as Pearl seemed to think, she would need some proof that he truly was her brother. The locket would be that proof.
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