by Faye McCray
Something told me I hadn’t seen Kerry for the last time. The image of her sitting in front of me remained crystal clear in my memory. How desperately she tried to appear nonchalant. And the way her deep brown eyes betrayed every bit of emotion she still felt. I wanted her back. Despite the way things ended, it suddenly felt like a possibility.
***
A few hours after Allison hung up on me, there was a knock at my door. I opened it and Natalie charged in, stomping straight into my apartment and turning to face me as I closed the door.
“Hi,” I said waving.
“What the fuck’s wrong with you?”
I shrugged. “What are you talking about?”
“Can you please explain to me why your six-months-pregnant girlfriend has been crying herself to sleep on my couch for the past two days?”
I laughed. “You couldn’t give her the bed?”
“I don’t even know how you can think that is a little bit funny, Nate.”
I shifted on my feet uncomfortably. “Couples fight, Natalie.”
“But men don’t kick their pregnant girlfriends out and not answer her phone calls. She feels alone, Nate. Alone and pregnant.” She looked at me, her eyes ejecting bullets. “I know how that feels.”
“Wow,” I began growing angry. “First, I didn’t kick her out - she left. And second, let’s not forget, she doesn’t live here!” I yelled. “Last, I thought we moved past what happened between us, Natalie, but clearly it is ‘hold-on-to-shit-that-Nate-has-done’ month.”
“What’re you even talking about, Nate?”
“You! You’re standing here and judging me for something you know nothing about. I didn’t mean to hurt her. I tried my best.” My thoughts were cloudy. Even I was starting to lose track of who I was talking about.
“Fix this, Nate. Your life doesn’t need the karma of abandoning your pregnant girlfriend.” I rolled my eyes. “Seriously, Nate. Fix this.” She looked at me for a moment before she turned around and walked out, closing the door behind her.
I huffed and walked into the kitchen, pulling open cabinets and knocking around their contents. Even I didn’t know what I was looking for until I found it but as my fingers grabbed the small bottle of vodka buried behind the vegetable oil, I felt overcome with ease. I clutched the bottle tight as I twisted the top, throwing my head back hastily as I took that first unbelievably satisfying sip.
CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE
The next afternoon, I was jolted out of my sleep by the telephone.
“Is that yours or mine?” I asked through a yawn, forgetting Allison wasn’t beside me. Remembering, I rose and made my way to where my phone lay on my dresser.
“Hello.”
“Hey.”
It was Kerry.
“What’s up?” I asked suddenly wide awake. I glanced at my alarm clock. 11:52am. I was supposed to be at work at 10am.
“How are you?”
“Okay,” I said after hesitating for a moment. Her voice was like a beautiful song I could never forget. I didn’t know why she was calling, but I didn’t want her to change her mind and hang up.
“Did I catch you at a bad time?”
“No, not at all,” I said pulling some clothes out of the closet and chucking them on the bed wondering what excuse I would give Keith for being over two hours late. We were quiet. “You good?”
“I’ve just been thinking about how we left things.”
“Me too.” I sat back on the bed and looked over at my clock again wondering if it was even worth it to try to go in.
“Is it okay if I come by?” Shocked, I couldn’t manage a response. “I guess I shouldn’t just invite myself over.” She laughed.
“Do you think that’s a good idea?” I regretted it the moment it came out. I wanted her to come by. More than anything, I wanted her to come by. I just wanted her to be sure. No running out this time.
“You don’t want me to?”
“I’m just surprised. Especially the way we left things…” I sighed. “I mean, of course I do, Kerry. Seeing you again is all I can think about.”
“What’s your address?”
***
An hour later, Kerry arrived at my apartment in a long ivory coat and black pumps. Her hair was down and her bangs were full and framing her made-up face. She looked beautiful and manicured… like she had stepped out of a Neiman Marcus ad. With my sweat pants and sweatshirt we looked like we shouldn’t be occupying the same universe, let alone the same room.
She walked in slowly as she unbuttoned her coat. Her heels clicked on the hardwood floors. She placed her coat on the chocolate-colored sectional Allison had picked out. I pictured Allison laying on it, stroking her stomach and laughing at something on television. I started to feel guilty but shook it off. If I had a second chance with Kerry, I shouldn’t let it pass. I needed her. I needed her in way I never needed Allison.
Under her coat Kerry wore a wrap dress with black and white polka dots and a red belt. She stopped and turned to me, standing about a foot in front of me. I put my hands in my pockets and stared at her. My heart was pounding fast.
“This is nice,” she said, looking around. I nodded, trying my best to catch her eyes. I finally did, and we stared at each other. Her eyes were just as deep and rich as they had always been.
Thoughts flooded in and out of my brain like water. None staying long enough for me to process what was happening or how I felt. I had wanted her here. I had imagined her here. Even the first day I moved in, while Allison busied herself moving things around and organizing, I thought of what it would be like to share this space with her. To make the life she had always encouraged me to imagine.
“So what’s up?” I said sitting on the arm the couch.
She looked at me and smiled, folding her arms across her chest. “I wanted to see you again.”
I nodded but before I could speak she walked closer to me so she stood between my legs. We stared at each other for a moment before she smiled. I smiled back and slipped my hand around her waist and pulled her closer to me. I closed my eyes and pressed my head into her chest and she ran her hands through my hair. She was soft and smelled like lavender and vanilla. Sweet and familiar.
“I’m sorry,” I murmured.
She cupped my face in her hands and kissed me. Taking a slow journey to my lips and starting a dance we both knew well.
And we kissed.
Deeply and passionately… slowly and carefully. I held her tighter as her hair fell over my face. I stood up, running my hands through her hair and kissing her with everything I had. We paused, breathing heavy and not breaking our stare.
“What are you doing this?” I asked. She shook her head and tried to kiss me again. I pulled back. “Kerry?”
“I don’t know…”
“I want this, Kerry,” I started. “I want you and no matter what happens here, I won’t regret any of this.” I touched her face and looked at her lips, still wet from our kiss. “But you are engaged. I don’t want you to regret this.” What was I saying? “I want you to be sure.”
She looked into my eyes, her resolve crumpling. She pulled out of my embrace, visibly reeling from my words. “I don’t know…. I don’t know what I’m doing.”
I nodded.
“I should hate you. I should hate you for how you hurt me…”
“I know-”
“But I can’t,” she continued running her hands through her hair. “I think of you. All these years later and I think of you. I think of you in the shower. I think of you before I go to bed at night. I think of you when he touches me. It’s like no matter how hard I try to forget you… to hate you… I can’t.”
I reached out and pulled her to me. I wrapped my arms around her, looking into her eyes. I felt so heavy. There was nothing I could say to make up for what I had done to her. She should hate me. She had every right to hate me.
“I wish I could take it back,” I murmured, the thoughtless summer I shared with Jayna rushing back t
o my mind. “I was a kid. I was an idiot. I was scared. But I love you so much, baby.”
I kissed her again and held her tight. I buried my face in her hair, inhaling her sweet scent, drowning in the feel of her in my arms. She ran her hands through my hair, kissing my face and neck. I touched her face and she kissed my palm.
“I don’t know why I’m doing this.”
“Because you’re mine,” I said in between kisses. She kissed me harder as I unwrapped her dress. “Say it, baby.” I wanted her to admit it. What we had was bigger than the hurt… the pain, and the other people in our lives. “Say it.”
“I’m yours,” she whispered as her dress fell to the floor.
I lifted her up so her legs wrapped around my waist, continuing to kiss her as I placed her on the couch.
She removed her bra and fell back on the sofa. She wanted me to take off her panties.
That hadn’t changed.
I kissed from her breasts to her stomach and eased her panties down. I spread her legs and buried my face in her, kissing and licking between her thighs. She ran her hands through my hair as sweet moans escaped her lips. When she came, I kissed a path from her stomach to her lips, my mouth falling deeply into hers before she pulled away and took a breath. I stood again and she untied my sweatpants. I pulled down my boxers as she reached for a condom from her purse. She took me in her hands and rolled it down my shaft and pulled me inside her as we kissed. I closed my eyes, the feeling inundating my senses, like an ice pack finally penetrating a deep pain.
Her eyes stayed on mine, studying my every reaction, soft moans escaping her lips the harder I pushed, the deeper I went. I pressed into her so every part of me was on every part of her. She came before I did, quivering beneath me and grabbing for me with her lips. I pushed harder and faster as she grew tighter.
“Nate,” she said letting my name escape her lips almost involuntarily.
Just that hint that I had reached that deep into her made me explode. I stayed inside her for a moment before pulling out, kissing her chin and neck, so grateful to have her in my arms. I kissed her once more before pulling away to wipe the sweat off my face. I sat back on the sofa placing her feet on my lap. She put her hand on her head and stared at the ceiling.
“Kerry?”
She was silent, tears streaming down her face.
“Baby…” I said again. I ran my hands along her legs staring over at her.
Fuck. I should have taken it slower. I should have waited until she ended things with her fiancé.
She pulled her legs off my lap and reached for where I had tossed her underwear. “I have to go,” she choked, putting them on.
“What?” I grabbed my boxers.
“I have to go to class,” she said. She glanced at the gold watch on her wrist. “I’ve already been gone almost two hours.”
“Skip it,” I pleaded reaching out and touching her back, my fingertips just reaching her before she pulled away.
She pulled her underwear up and wiped the tears from her face. I watched as she snapped her bra closed, her eyes still glassy.
“Nate,” she said after a moment. “Why do you have a Babies R Us bag on your table?” She looked in my eyes as she pulled on her dress and tied it closed.
I looked over at the table. I wasn’t sure how I hadn’t noticed. Allison must have bought some things for the baby and left the bag on the table when she left.
“Please don’t tell me you have a baby… or a wife you forgot to tell me about,” she continued, slipping on her shoes.
“No.” I pulled on my boxers. “That just some stuff for my nephew.”
“Don’t lie to me, Nate.”
I shook my head. “Are we really going to fight after what just happened?”
“This was a mistake.” She stuck her feet in her shoes.
“Mistake?” I stood and rushed towards the door where she was making her way fast. I stood in front of it blocking her from leaving. “How could this have been a mistake? We aren’t strangers.”
“I’m engaged, Nate. And you have…” She gestured towards the bag. “God knows what you have going on.” She took a few more steps towards the door.
I laughed in disbelief, running my hands over my hair, suddenly aware that I stood in my boxers while she was fully dressed.
“Don’t leave like this,” I said feeling panicked.
She paused for a moment gazing back at the sofa and then to me. “I just need some time to think.”
I nodded and backed away from where I stood blocking her exit.
She opened the door and walked out. I sat back down on the sofa. Her scent still traveling through the air. I leaned back and listened to the crash and rise of Kerry’s heels as she made her way back to the elevator.
***
I waited by the phone while Kerry took time to think like I was a lovesick teenager. Every day, I gazed at the place we made love with an unfamiliar yearning. I had never thought she would let me touch her again. Now the scent of her shampoo lingered in the air, and I couldn’t get the image of her lying beneath me out of my head.
I was obsessed.
I could barely focus at work and Keith had begun to take notice. I asked that he discreetly schedule me on days when Allison wasn’t at work, and he just assumed that my change in attitude had to do with our breakup. He had been divorced twice and was overly compassionate about the subject of breakups.
Phil and Natalie also noticed something was up. But both of them knew me well enough to know that it wasn’t just what was going on with Allison.
“Truthfully, Nate, is there someone else?” Natalie asked me one afternoon. She, Cole and Max had stopped by to bring me dinner. She wandered around my apartment picking up trash with her fingertips, her nose wrinkled in disgust. “Cole! Don’t touch that!” she screamed, when Cole reached under my coffee table for a dirty plastic spoon. Cole jumped and pulled his hand back.
“You act like he is going to get a disease from touching something,” I said. Max laughed.
“He just might,” Natalie said frowning. “But, you didn’t answer my question…”
“What do you mean?”
“Things seemed to be going so well with Allison, and then out of nowhere you act like you don’t give a shit about her.” She closed a trash bag that she had filled with garbage.
“Mommy, you can’t say shit,” Cole chastised.
“No, you can’t say shit,” Natalie said glaring at him playfully. He smiled.
“Of course I care about her. I thought things were going well too, but then suddenly she’s questioning me about where I’ve been, accusing me of lying… not to mention, she conveniently gets pregnant right after we inherited that money from Ma,” I added.
What the fuck was I saying?
“Ally’s not like that, Nate.” She flashed me a look. Even she knew I didn’t believe the shit I was saying. She picked up the broom and started to sweep.
I knew she was right, but I wasn’t quite ready to have her judge me about Kerry. Especially when I wasn’t really sure that there was anything to tell.
Max walked over and took the broom from Natalie. “Sit down, baby,” she said. Natalie looked at her and smiled.
“I’m doing this for her,” Max said looking at me before starting to sweep.
“You missed a spot,” I joked, pointing to a place in front of my feet. Natalie hit me hard in the gut.
“No hitting, Mommy!” I yelled. Cole looked up from where he was reaching for the spoon again.
“You’re right, Uncle Nate,” Natalie said through her teeth. Cole nodded. Natalie pinched me. I laughed.
“I love Ally, but you are my brother. I’m not going to push this if it isn’t what you want, but I don’t want you to regret this.” Her face grew serious. Cole crawled onto her lap and rested his head on her shoulder. “I know Ally. She’s tough. Once this door is closed, it’s closed.”
I looked at Cole, his head pressed into Natalie’s chest. I tickled his f
eet, and he laughed.
CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO
I sat on the steps of Natalie’s two-story brownstone on a Monday morning for about an hour before Allison came trudging down the sidewalk. She wore an oversized black Northface jacket and carried a CVS bag. I was drunk and could barely maintain my footing up the seven steps it took to get to the top of the stone staircase. I sat on the sixth with my head rested against the iron handrail. I was feeling dizzy and incredibly tired. She slowed down as she approached, clearly struggling to make sense of what I was doing there or why I was in the state I was in.
It had been almost three weeks since Kerry and I had made love at my apartment. I had called and texted and called again but after a few days of her ignoring my calls, I started hitting the bottle and had been unable to stop. I couldn’t make sense of my behavior, and after a few days of isolation, binge drinking and a voicemail threatening termination from Keith, I left my apartment to get some air. Somehow I ended up on Natalie’s steps.
“What’re you doing here?” Allison rested against the handrail in front of me, the tip of her nose red from the cold. “Have you been drinking?”
I shrugged. “Can we talk?” I asked, struggling to make my words as coherent as possible.
She walked up the stairs to let me in.
***
I watched Allison from a bar stool at the island in Natalie’s kitchen as she took off her coat and got a glass of water from the fridge. She poured me one without me asking, and I finished mine before she took her second sip. She poured me another.
“I’m moving back in with my mom tomorrow,” she said standing on the other side of the island. “Natalie wants me to stay, but I just feel like I’m in the way.”
I took another long sip, feeling slightly more sober. Even though things had been better with her and her mother, I knew that was the last place she wanted to be. I looked at her. She wore an aqua blue V-neck sweater and dark blue jeans. Her hair was pulled back in a ponytail and her belly had grown. She looked beautiful and vulnerable.
I felt guilty.