by Faye McCray
I watched as my father reached into a small wooden box on the dresser and pulled out the Polaroid picture. He handed it to me. The edges were tattered, and the images were slightly faded. I gazed at it. My mother’s smiling face, my wide eyes. I hadn’t realized how much Natalie looked like my mother. How much Cole looked like me.
“Thank you,” I said looking at my father. He cleared his throat and coughed.
“She loved that picture. She found it cleaning a few years ago and gazed at it for what felt like hours.” He stared off as if lost in his own thoughts. I felt uncomfortable and now that I had the picture, I wanted to leave.
“I was married when I met your mother,” he said sitting on the bed. I looked at him confused. “I was married to Aileen Cunningham.”
Stunned, I was silent.
“Christine and I worked at the same department store called TSS down off Jamaica Avenue. I worked there part-time as a custodian and took night classes at Queensborough Community College. I wanted to start my own auto shop. Detailing Mustangs,” he unloaded. He coughed again. “Your mother was a cashier. Her mother had died, and she was on her own. She was renting the basement of an older couple’s house not too far from here. The husband kept hitting on her when his wife wasn’t around. Showing up to fix things that weren’t broken. Staring at her legs when she sat. We were friends. She asked me to pretend to be her boyfriend, so he would leave her alone.” He laughed but his laughter turned into another cough.
“You aiight?” A part of me wondered if I shouldn’t have interrupted him and asked. I had never heard any of this. I had no idea how they met. I had no idea he was married before my mother. I had no idea he had gone to college.
He nodded, determined to continue. “I’d walk her home. She talked a lot. She used to dance.” He smiled. “She used to dance,” he said again as if remembering. “She went to auditions in the city when she had time. You could see her leotards under her TSS uniform. Aileen was pretty. Long hair. Light brown skin. But your mother…” he looked over at her side of the bed as if remembering. “I don’t know what it was about your mother.”
I pictured my mother. I pictured her long legs dancing and stretching, her toes pointing high into the air. It seemed impossible that the women I knew could have ever been that person.
“I’m not proud of what I did to Aileen,” he said, his tone growing harsh and defensive. “But Christine got pregnant with you and back then, there was no getting rid of it. What was I supposed to do? I dropped out of school and married her.”
I shook my head in disbelief. It explained so much about him… so much about her.
“Aileen moved back to her parent’s house in Syosset. She married a dentist,” he continued. “I was so angry. Angry at your mom. Angry at myself. Angry at you… and Natalie.” He lowered his head in shame. “I spent so much time fucking angry.”
I nodded.
“Your mother would want you to have that.” He pointed at the picture in my hand. I looked back down at it. Seeing my mother’s youth in a way I hadn’t before.
“Thanks.”
“When you see your sister, tell her…” he stopped, unable to find the words. “I’m sure there are some things here Christine would want her to have too.”
That was as close to an apology as we were going to get.
“Alright, Dad,” I said, staring down at his increasingly feeble frame. I turned and hurried out of the apartment, knowing exactly where I needed to go.
CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR
I managed to make it past the security of Fordham’s law school by blending in with a drove of students exiting the large stone building. I wandered around for about an hour before my plan to “find” Kerry started to feel stupid. After hearing my father’s story, I knew I had to find her but my urgency fell short of actually having a plan. After circling the library twice, I sat on a bench by the elevator and buried my face in my hands.
“Can I help you?”
I looked up. A small, older woman stood in front of me. Her hair was pulled back severely from her face and her white skin looked like chalk. She frowned, the lines of her face multiplying.
“No.” I wondered if I should take one last trip around the school before I gave up.
“Do you go here?” she asked.
Irritated, I leaned back against the wall. “No.”
“Well, you need to have a law school ID to be here.” Her eyes were darting around as if searching for back up.
“I don’t go here, but I was looking for someone who does. I just want to take one more look around…” I rose, attempting to walk around her. Just one more trip around. At least I could say I tried.
“I can’t let you do that,” she said, her voice slightly louder.
“Is everything ok, Marcy?” a pudgy man said, rising from behind a computer desk.
“Everything’s fucking fine,” I said raising my voice. “I’m just looking for someone. I’m not even using the fucking books. I’m just looking for someone,” I repeated.
“Sir,” the pudgy man began, little beads of perspiration already forming on his face. He put his hands up slowly, palms out like he was being robbed. “If you would just wait outside, I’m sure your friend will find you.” His voice was calm. Too calm. I looked around and people began to peek up from their books and around their computers. If I didn’t already feel like a psycho for looking for someone that didn’t want to be found, causing a scene was sealing the deal.
“She doesn’t know I’m here,” I said, trying to sound as calm as he did. “If you would just let me take one last look around...”
“Sir, we can’t let you do that,” he said cutting me off.
“I’ll tell you what,” I started, raising my voice again. “If you want, you and Methuselah here can follow me around while I look for her that way you know I’m not reading any of your fucking books or doing whatever the fuck it is you think people sneak into libraries to do.”
“Nate?”
I looked over, and Kerry stood beside us, looking both embarrassed and concerned. “Is everything okay?”
I stared at her relieved, unable to stop the smile from spreading across my face. She was wearing a purple sweater and jeans. Her hair was pulled back, and her lips were painted in shiny gloss. She looked perfect.
“Do you know this man?” the pudgy man asked looking at Kerry. She nodded. “All guests need to sign in at security,” he scolded.
“He isn’t staying.”
I looked at her surprised.
“Come on,” she said taking my arm and pulling me outside. “What’re you doing here?” she asked as soon as we walked out the exit.
A sudden gust of wind made the cold day feel colder. She hugged herself tight.
“Do you need a jacket?”
“I’m fine, Nate. What’re you doing here?” Her tone was harsh and halting.
“I was looking for you. You haven’t answered my calls or texts. We were supposed to meet, and you never showed up.”
“But, you can’t just show up at my school, Nate...”
“I know. I just need to talk to you.” I took a breath, trying my best to man up and tell her what I came to say. “On our first date, I took you to that Caribbean restaurant… remember?”
“You showed up here to talk about our first date?”
“No… yes…” I reached for her hand. She allowed me to hold her fingertips, her eyes darting around to see if anyone was watching.
“Nate, it’s cold…”
“Do you remember?”
She nodded.
“We had our first kiss on that dance floor,” I continued. Her eyes softened, and her hand rested a little firmer in mine. “I think about that moment every day, Kerry. The way you felt… how you looked… how I felt. You made me feel like I was better… like I was someone different.” I sighed, pretty sure I was making no sense. “Shit… I just need you. I love you. I can’t say that to anyone else. I love you, Kerry. I’ve never stopped.”
I pulled her to me and wrapped my arms around her. She shook her head and tried to pull way. I held her tighter, and she succumbed, allowing her body to press into mine. The cold around us suddenly dissipating. I touched her face and she nestled her cheek into my palm. Her face was cloaked in doubt, but she melted into me like a reflex. I leaned in and kissed her. It took her a moment before she kissed back, but when she did, her lips parted and welcomed mine. We kissed for what felt like minutes before she pulled away.
“I’m not doing this,” she said taking a step back. I took another step towards her, and she shook her head, placing her hands on my chest to stop me from getting closer.
“You know what I remember about our first date, Nate?”
I shook my head.
“I remember asking you not hurt me,” she said, her words firing out of her mouth and slamming into me. “But you did,” she continued. “You hurt me like no one in my life has ever hurt me, Nate. You betrayed me like I meant nothing. Like I was nothing.” It was my turn to look around as people nearby began to glance our way.
“I’m so sorry…”
“You’re sorry?” She laughed, wiping the tears from her face with the back of her palm.
I reached for her hand, wishing there was a deeper way to express regret. She pulled it away and we stared at each other for a moment.
“This was a mistake.” She backed further away from me. “It was all a mistake,” she repeated gesturing to the space in between us.
Panicking, I blurted, “Is this about the Babies R Us bag?” Everything was fine up until she saw it. I needed to come clean. She looked at me confused. I took a deep breath and unloaded. “Yes. I had a girlfriend. Yes, she was pregnant. She is pregnant,” I corrected. “But, she and I were over the minute you and I were together.”
“Oh my God.” Her head whipped back. “You left your pregnant girlfriend?”
“For you, Kerry. For us.”
“Wow,” she said shaking her head. “I can’t do this.” She wiped the remaining tears from her cheeks and started to turn back towards the door to the library.
I reached for arm, and she snatched it away.
“You need to go, Nate,” she said firmly, turning and pulling open the library door and walking inside. I followed. “Go, Nate,” she whispered, flitting her hand for me to stop following her.
“Kerry!”
“Ma’am, if he’s your guest, he needs to fill out a guest pass with security. Is he your guest?” Pudgy man asked, looking over at Kerry. Kerry shook her head slowly. “Then I need you to leave, sir.”
“Come on, Kerry,” I yelled as she turned and walked away.
“Sir?” the man said, his hands back up.
“Kerry!” I screamed, starting to walk past him. He stepped in front of me to block my path, visibly nervous. She turned and looked at me. “Don’t do this, baby,” I pleaded.
“Sir, this is a professional establishment.”
“You need to get the fuck out of my face, man.” I spat, inches from his trembling hands. Kerry looked at me disgusted, turned, and walked away disappearing behind the stacks.
“Fuck this,” I muttered under my breath. I turned, barreling out of the door, slapping it open with all of my might.
CHAPTER TWENTY-FIVE
“Shit…” I mumbled, struggling to raise my head from where it lay against the bathtub. I wasn’t sure if the pounding inundating my ear drums was coming from inside or outside of my head but it was loud and incessant. I didn’t know how long I had been lying there. Either way, it was long enough to make me feel like my head would snap off if I moved it too quickly. I rose slowly, rubbing the left side of my neck with my palm. I walked out of the bathroom stumbling over two bottles lying carelessly outside of the door. Memories of the day before came rushing back to me. My father… Kerry…. how I had managed to make a complete fool of myself.
The pounding continued, growing louder as I entered the kitchen and poured myself a glass of water.
“Open the door, Nate,” I heard Phil yell from outside of my door. I looked over at the clock. 1:25pm.
Phil’s wedding started at 2pm.
More pounding.
I walked over to the door and opened it. Phil charged in as I plopped down on my couch, leaning my head back lazily. His footsteps were heavy and loud.
“Shhhhh,” I sang with my finger to my lips. If he would just quiet down, I could hear my thoughts.
“Are you even showered?” He was dressed in his full heather gray tuxedo, a red rose pinned to his jacket lapel. He threw his hands on his head in exasperation. His gold cuff links gleaming in the sunlight that was pouring through my windows. “You know what? I don’t care. Just put on the fucking tux, Nate.”
I didn’t move, and he reached for me, tugging at my T-shirt as if he were trying to take it off. “What the fuck are you doing?” I yelled, shrugging him away.
“What am I doing?” he yelled. “Get the fuck up, Nate! I’m getting married in less than an hour. I am not letting you mess this up.” He kicked my foot hard. “GET UP!”
I rose and walked back towards the bathroom.
“You have five minutes!” he shouted as I shut the door.
***
Ana glided down the aisle on the arm of her father like an angel. Her dark hair was pulled back, and chandelier diamond earrings were gleaming from her earlobes. Her long ivory gown looked like it was painted on, and a long chiffon veil made her look like she could sprout wings and fly. I looked over at Phil. His eyes glued to her, and his lips pressed in a small smile. The sheer magnitude of what was happening written all over his face. They locked eyes, and she beamed, her eyes welling up with tears. His began to flow freely.
You would never guess he was the same guy who spent the whole thirty-minute ride to the church cursing me out.
I sighed as they took hands. Feeling fortunate to be a part of their moment, while at the same time wondering why Phil had tried so hard to make sure I was. I had been nothing but a shitty friend to him. I hadn’t even bothered to show up for his bachelor party the night before.
I glanced around at their guests. Phil’s mother dabbed tears from the corners of her eyes. Phil’s dad clutched the hand of the busty red head beside him a little tighter. Ana’s father pulled her mother closer to him as her two brothers looked on, holding the hands of their wives.
This could never be my life, I thought. No matter how hard I tried.
I continued to look out at the unfamiliar faces, my gaze stopping short on one I recognized. Three rows behind Ana’s family, I spotted Jayna. Her hair blown out, long and straight. A strapless gold dress hugging her still curvy frame. She sat snuggled under the arm of the man beside her. His arm was draped protectively around her shoulders squeezing her tight as the ceremony began. Noticing me looking, she smiled. I smiled back, turning towards Phil and Ana.
This should be interesting, I thought smiling to myself.
***
After the ceremony, the wedding party and close family got in limos and headed to the Central Park Boathouse for the reception. Phil and Ana boarded a white vintage limo to travel to the reception alone. I sat in a long stretch, smashed between Phil’s overweight adolescent twin cousins and across from his aunt Judith.
“I can’t wait to hear your speech,” Aunt Judith said smiling wildly at me.
“Me either,” I quipped, realizing I had no clue what I would say.
I was still feeling surprised that I had seen Jayna. She didn’t look pregnant. And she certainly wasn’t overseas. Unfortunately, I would probably have to wait until after Phil returned from his honeymoon to ask how he could have gotten his information so wrong.
When we got to the boathouse, we were immediately shuffled off to take pictures. I’d be surprised if Phil was looking at the camera in any of them. He spent most of the time with his eyes fixed on his new bride.
“Look at the camera, silly,” she said gently. He smiled and kissed her cheek. It felt g
ood to see him so happy.
I didn’t see Jayna again until about half way through the reception. I had been running around taking pictures and helping Ana’s brothers with last minute things. When I finally sat down at the wedding party table to eat, I spotted her on a long line of guests, making their way over to congratulate the newly-married couple. Her tall, olive skinned companion followed close at her feet, his hand resting on the small of her back.
Ana squealed when she saw Jayna. She rose and rushed from behind the table to embrace her. Phil and I rose too.
“I thought you weren’t coming,” Ana started. Jayna laughed.
“I thought she wasn’t coming,” I muttered to Phil quietly.
“So did I,” Jayna and Phil said almost in unison. Ana and Jayna continued to chat before embracing again.
“Nate,” Jayna said turning to me, that beautiful smile lighting up her face. She put her arms out for an embrace. I accepted.
“Nate, this is my husband, Javier… Javi, this is Nate. We went to school together.” I chuckled to myself. Jayna and I did a lot of things together. The least of which was going to school. Javier shook my hand and smiled.
“Hi Phil,” Jayna said looking at him and smirking.
“Hi Jayna.”
“Take care of our girl, okay?”
Phil nodded, leaning down and kissing her cheek. “Of course,” he said looking back at Ana. I watched as Jayna and Javier walked back to their table.
***
Phil and Ana’s first dance was to “The Way You Look Tonight” by Tony Bennett. They glided onto the dance floor hand in hand. The setting sun dimmed outside of the windows of the boathouse and made the candles on each table burn brighter. The couple all but glowed in the candlelight. Phil held her close, kissing her every so often and wiping the quiet tears that fell from her eyes. The song brought me back to my days with Aunt Laura. She had been a fan of the old crooner. On rainy Sundays, she would listen to Billy Holiday’s cover of the song on repeat. Days when Natalie and I would lay on our stomachs and play board games while Aunt Laura would hum softly and busy herself in the kitchen.