by Alexa Verde
“It’s never too late. You were probably sick then.” Rodrigo’s voice was encouraging.
Some people called drug addiction a disease, but she wasn’t one of them.
Emma turned away and stared at the ocean again, hoping for its whisper to soothe her raw pain at least a fraction.
Would Rodrigo understand if she told him about her drug history? No, nobody who hadn’t experienced what she’d gone through would understand it. Even Harry, who’d seemed compassionate toward Caleb and her, could never get why they’d kept coming back to drugs. Why Caleb, who’d loved cooking and could whip up delicious dishes out of nothing, who’d dreamed of being a chef, had dropped out of college and given up on his dream.
At least Caleb still had Harry.
For many of her other friends who were using drugs, their relatives had given up on them. Gnat’s family hadn’t cared much about him to start with.
Can I help people understand? Watch for signs before it’s too late? Try to be compassionate to their family members suffering from addiction instead of judging them? Can I prevent someone from starting to use drugs in the first place?
Her stomach twisted.
The world was much simpler when she’d lived in Chicago and hung out with Caleb and Gnat, who’d understood her well. The only thing she’d needed to worry about then was how to get the next dose. That was it. Now there were a million things she worried about.
Like if Junior would ever love her again and accept her as his mother. How to help Caleb and Gnat quit drugs.
And whether my attraction to Rodrigo is one-sided.
“I can hear it in your voice how much you love your son. That’s what counts.” Rodrigo’s voice was low, barely overcoming the ocean, as he interrupted her thoughts.
“I do love Junior.” So much that it hurt to breathe when she thought how much pain she’d caused her own child. For years, her maternal instinct had been overpowered by the overwhelming cravings she couldn’t afford to ignore or she’d pay with the excruciating pain of withdrawal. She turned around and leveled with Rodrigo. “But I can’t change the past. And my past isn’t good.”
"You can change the present." He extended his hand, as if wanting to reach out to her, but let it drop to his side. “I’m sure God has something wonderful in store for you.”
Emma swallowed a lump in her throat. “God already had something wonderful for me. A great husband and a child. I ruined it all. I divorced the guy and left the child.”
“God doesn’t give up on somebody just because that person messed up.”
His thoughts took root. Roy, who’d put her in rehab numerous times and probably saved her life by doing that, had often talked about God to her. But at the time she’d only thought how to get her next dose.
There were several moments of silence.
“Emma, look!”
She glanced in the direction Rodrigo pointed and frowned. Leaden-hued clouds hung low. She swallowed the bitter taste of disappointment that the day with Rodrigo was going to end too soon. “It’s going to rain.”
He studied her. “Do you want to go back?”
“Nah.” She shook her head, surprised by her answer.
She’d checked the forecast in the morning. The possibility of rain, even a thunderstorm, had given her an easy excuse to cancel.
Then why didn’t I?
The wind picked up.
Emma suppressed a shiver. They needed to leave, but she couldn’t make herself move.
What’s happening to me?
“Do you believe in second chances?” She wanted to step closer to Rodrigo, to hide her face in his chest and feel his arms around her, as if he could protect her from the thunderstorm outside and inside her soul. She forced herself to stay in one place.
“Yes. Everybody deserves a second chance. God gives you many opportunities.”
Emma sighed. Rodrigo was right. But she’d used up all the second and even third chances she’d been given.
She leaned to the water and ran her fingers through it. The surface reflected the dark clouds the same way it reflected the turmoil inside her.
Several drops plopped on her face. She looked up. “It’s starting to rain.”
“Get inside the car while I gather the gear.” He rushed to the lines.
Instead of running toward her vehicle, she stared at one of the lines. Hers. “We’ve got one more catch.”
“You’re not seriously going... Okay, you are.” Shaking his head, he draped a raincoat over her and started reeling in the rest of the lines, his movements fast, strong.
A roar of thunder made her flinch. A surge of adrenaline rushed through her veins. This should be a big fish.
Oh, yes!
The pull from the reel was so strong she would've fallen face first had Rodrigo’s hands not encompassed her arms and held her steady.
Her breath caught in her throat. She wasn’t sure whether it was because of the thunderstorm, the huge fish trying to get away, or Rodrigo’s proximity.
Or all of them combined.
She froze, not knowing how to deal with the unfamiliar feelings. The fishing gear fell out of her hands.
Rodrigo picked it up and started reeling in. More raindrops fell on them.
Emma finally found her voice. “No! It’s not worth it for both of us to get soaked!” Especially considering he’d given his raincoat to her, so he’d definitely be soaked.
“It’s okay. I want to get this one.” Rodrigo grinned at her.
Her heart fluttered at the sight of his smile.
She needed to hide from the rain, but she just stared at Rodrigo. Then she ripped off the raincoat and held it above them both. Because of the wind, several drops landed on them regardless of her effort, but she didn’t care.
The rain scared her much less than her new feelings.
Dylan McGregor had been her first love, her only love. But her feelings for him had been dulled by the influence of drugs. Besides, it had been easy to date Dylan. Nobody in Rios Azules had doubted that one day Dylan and Emma would get married and live happily ever after.
Becoming attracted to a vacationer who’d be gone soon wasn’t wise. Becoming attracted to a sheriff who’d probably dealt with the likes of her and despised them was downright stupid.
CHAPTER THREE
EMMA SQUARED HER SHOULDERS. MOPING around never helped anybody.
Moments later, all Rodrigo had to show for his efforts was an empty line.
Emma forced a smile as she helped him gather the rest of the gear in what now was a downpour. “Probably for the better. Might be another shark that we would’ve released anyway.”
“Probably. Get inside your car.”
She shook her head. “I’ll hold the raincoat above us as you carry the fishing gear and drinks to your truck.”
“Emma.” He raised his voice a little.
“Rodrigo.” She did the same.
“O-okay. But then I’ll walk you to your car.”
She nodded. “Deal.”
Minutes later, as he opened the door for her, he hesitated. “It’ll take you about forty minutes to get to your apartment. You’re welcome to take a shower and dry your clothes at the bungalow I’m renting.”
“No.” Emma tensed.
Shivering, she slipped inside her car and turned the key in the ignition to put on the heat. The blast of warm air made her stop shaking. She put on a warm jacket she grabbed from the backseat, welcoming its warmth. She had a spare change of clothes in her car but didn’t care enough to change.
Disappointment made her stomach twist. She’d heard offers of come to my place before. She’d managed to dodge them, even when her judgment had been impaired. But she didn’t expect Rodrigo to say that.
“That didn’t sound right.” Rodrigo cleared his throat. “I hope you don’t think I’m suggesting... I’d be happy to rent you a room at a nearby hotel."
Emma heaved a sigh of relief as she gestured for him to climb inside her car. If he int
ended to have a conversation, he didn’t need to get soaked while talking to her. She didn’t care if her seat became wet.
“I just don’t want you to get sick.” He got inside her car. His musky scent mingled with the strawberry aroma of her air freshener. Junior liked strawberries.
Rodrigo appeared a straightforward, honest man, but she’d been wrong before. The new Emma was supposed to be responsible, and that also meant not getting herself in sticky situations or situations that could be misinterpreted by other people.
She shook her head. “Thanks but no thanks.” Her heart made a strange thump.
“How will I know you’re okay?” He shifted to her.
In the small space of her car, his proximity made her pulse go erratic. She should leave and never see him again.
But when she looked into Rodrigo’s dark eyes, she didn’t have it in her to tell him it would be the last time they met. Besides, she’d made a promise.
To cook the fish.
A small smile tugged at her lips. “Why, at dinner, of course. I’ll clean and cook the fish. If the weather improves, I’ll meet you here at seven tomorrow. We’ll have a picnic.”
“Great.” He grinned at her. “See you tomorrow.” He jumped out of her car and headed to his truck.
Her heart did a flip-flop in her chest.
After turning up the heat, Emma drove off. She hadn’t made it far when her car growled and stopped moving.
Oh, no!
She was stuck in the sand! Emma groaned. She pressed harder on the accelerator, but she only heard sand sputter, the wheels trying for purchase and failing.
Now what?
She should’ve guessed she could get stuck on the beach in her tiny car. Emma dropped her head on the steering wheel. That was exactly the way she felt sometimes about her own life.
First, stuck in the shifting sands of her addiction, sinking deeper and deeper.
Now, stuck in her past.
You should pray.
The voice in her head was clear.
Talking to God came naturally to Joy. But Joy hadn’t done what Emma had. How could she pray if she wasn’t sure her prayers deserved to be answered? The only time she’d managed to pray was when she’d prayed for someone else.
The growl of a motor made her look up. Rodrigo’s off-road truck pulled up in front of her and stopped.
By now, the rain had become a drizzle.
She suppressed a sigh of relief when he appeared out of his vehicle with a rope in his hands. Several strong and swift movements later, her sedan was attached to the truck.
While he was tying the rope, she found a couple of boards left on the shore nearby. She dug out the cold, wet sand from under her front wheels with her bare hands and put the boards there. Maybe it wouldn’t help much, but it wouldn’t hurt, either. Rodrigo offered her the raincoat, but she shook her head.
He waved for her to return to the driver’s seat, and Emma obliged.
Her car sputtered some more, but then it moved.
Yes!
Emma waited for the ropes to be untied. Then she waved him a farewell and drove off. Her thoughts kept drifting to Rodrigo.
I can’t wait to see him again.
But I can’t fall for him, either...
Soon she pulled onto the freeway.
Her hands-free phone announced an incoming call from Gnat.
Emma answered it. “Hello, Gnat.”
Maybe she’d be able to get through to him this time. Unlike Caleb, whose parents were successful and highly respectable doctors, Gnat’s parents had been drug addicts who hadn’t cared for him much. The life Gnat led was the only kind of life he knew.
“Em, when are you coming back?” Gnat’s image appeared in front of her eyes. His limbs were scary scrawny and his nose long and protruding among hollow cheeks and sunken eyes, which probably had earned him his nickname.
“Never. Sorry,” she said softly.
At twenty-two, Gnat was much younger than Caleb or Emma but looked about the same age, his long dark hair usually uncombed, hanging around his face in dirty strands, falling on his black eyes. Nobody had dragged Gnat to rehab. Emma’s heart squeezed from compassion.
“Come on! Caleb and I need you here.” Gnat’s voice took on whiny notes.
“I care about you guys, but I can’t go back.” She turned up the heat to the max and glanced in the rearview mirror. Considering the threatening texts, she should watch her back. So far, nobody seemed to follow her or ride too close.
Emma heaved a sigh of relief.
Gnat probably didn’t need her but the funds she used to provide him with. Emma swallowed hard as she changed lanes to pass a slow vehicle in front of her. She’d spent all her inheritance on drugs.
Everything.
“Don’t you miss it at all?” Gnat’s voice dipped. “You know you’re one of us.”
Emma’s rib cage constricted. People like Gnat and Caleb accepted her for who she was while people like Carl rejected her. Rodrigo might reject her, too, once he knew the truth.
She glanced at the speedometer. She was going over the speed limit, so she slowed down. “I’ll pray for you and Caleb. You should quit drugs. It’s a road to nowhere, and you know it. Let’s talk about it whenever you want. I’m willing to pay for your rehab.” Even if she had to get a loan from Mari to do that.
“Forget it, Em.” Gnat disconnected.
Emma called him back, but Gnat didn’t answer, probably busy with getting the next dose.
Her heart dropped as she changed lanes again.
She said a prayer for Caleb and Gnat. It was so much easier to pray for others than herself. Then she prayed for Rodrigo.
How can I help people like Caleb and Gnat?
The question appeared in her mind again and again. She already donated most of what she made at the restaurant to the nonprofit center Roy had founded in Chicago. The center helped families of drug addicts.
She moved to the right, to the slower lane, and called Harry, who volunteered at the nonprofit. “Good evening, Harry. Do you think I can help somehow at the center?”
There was a pause. “Hello, Em. Are you coming back to Chicago?”
Emma swallowed.
Should I?
She might be more useful in Chicago than in Rios Azules. But the image of Junior’s eyes appeared in front of her, then of Rodrigo’s smile.
She shook her head, as if Harry could see her, and watched the road carefully. “I... can’t. But maybe I can record a testimony of my experience with drugs and you could pass it on? I can do question-and-answer sessions over the internet. Talk to the families of drug addicts or drug addicts themselves. What do you think?”
“It’s worth a try. How do you like it back in Rios Azules?”
“It’s... different. Kinda hard to look at the world without chemicals affecting my brain. To see everything I once had and lost.” Emma took a deep breath and decided to breach the difficult topic. “How’s Caleb?”
“I don’t know what to do.” Harry’s voice was dipped in worry. “He doesn’t listen to me.”
A vise squeezed her heart. It must be horrible for a father to watch his son destroy himself little by little. What if Junior followed her path when he grew up? He had her genes. She shook for a different reason than wet clothes.
“Try to get him in rehab again.” She infused her words with strength she didn’t feel. “I know that until he himself decides to quit, it’s going to be no use. But still... I’ll talk to him.”
“Thanks.” Harry disconnected.
She said a prayer for Harry, Caleb, and Gnat again, and it was easier this time.
After seeing the large green sign, she took the exit to Rios Azules. As Emma turned to the street that led to her apartment complex, she called Caleb on her hands-free phone. “I worry about you. You should quit drugs before it’s too late. Listen to me. I’ve done it. It’s possible.”
At least, she’d quit them so far.
“Em... You..
. Yeah, I’ve done it, too. Ten times. Or was it twenty? Come back here.” Caleb’s voice sounded unusually high-pitched.
Her heart dropped. Caleb was probably so high it was unlikely he’d remember anything from their conversation. And to think that once he’d been a straight-A student.
Emma sighed as she pulled up near her apartment. “Call your father. He loves you. And please, please think about what I said.”
“Sure.” Caleb disconnected.
She parked her car, her heart aching for Caleb.
He’d instilled in her an affection for cooking, had taught her many recipes he’d invented himself. With his surfer-boy good looks, an easy smile, the scent of pie in his blond hair, and tons of delicious food he seemed to make as easily as he breathed, he’d been so much fun to be around when she’d met him. He’d loved telling her jokes and making her laugh. They’d even wanted to open a restaurant together. He’d never had a problem finding a date when they’d first met and had nearly become engaged to a beautiful blue-eyed teacher. The girl had left when she’d realized Caleb wouldn’t give up drugs. His girlfriends afterwards hadn’t lasted long.
Then neither Caleb nor Emma had cared about food, business, or life, as only one thing occupied their minds.
Drugs.
He’d make an awesome chef and a good father and husband if not for drugs. With the way things were now, Emma doubted Harry would ever become a grandfather.
As she headed inside her apartment, she had many conflicting emotions she didn’t know how to deal with.
Will Junior ever trust me again?
How can I convince Caleb and Gnat to give up drugs?
How am I going to keep myself from falling for Rodrigo?
Will he walk away as soon as he finds out about my former addiction?
Who is sending the threatening texts?
And how do I keep going on when everything in me wants to forget, forget, forget?
CHAPTER FOUR
“IF I HAD YOUR PHONE number, I would’ve canceled.” Emma climbed out of her car the next day.
After scanning the beach for his dog, Rodrigo gave her a quick look. In a long peach-colored dress and a wide-brimmed hat, she looked lovely. She wore low-heeled shoes that matched the dress. Despite the warm weather, the dress was long-sleeved. So far, he’d never seen her in anything short-sleeved, and suspicion crawled inside him.