by Lacey Silks
“Are you nervous when I get close to you?” he asked.
“A little, I guess.”
“I’m nervous too. I had a lot of time to think last night.” He took a fork, jabbed a piece of pancake on its end, and brought it to my lips. I took the mouthful of deliciousness and was thankful that I couldn’t reply. I’d been thinking about him as well: him kissing me, fondling me, fucking me. My nipples bunched up at the thought.
The familiarity of the uncomfortable comfort between us returned, and I smiled.
“You look tired,” I said sipping my coffee. “Couldn’t this have waited until the afternoon?”
“No way. I now realize that this has been the moment I’ve been waiting for the past six years. I’m not letting you slip through my fingers again,” he said.
I shifted in my seat as warmth radiated through my body. What exactly did he mean by that? And now all I could think about were his fingers slipping between my legs. My core was beginning to burn more than Anakin Skywalker at the end of Episode Three.
His gaze lifted and I saw what I thought to be a spark of new hope in his eyes. “I don’t think we can stay just friends.”
What? Would I lose him again?
“Because when I see you, I think about you as a woman I’m dying to be inside. And that’s not fair to you.” He put a piece of fruit into his mouth, and with his elbow resting on the table and fork doing a dance up in the air, he continued, “I’d like to hope that we could work out our issues and be more than just friends. But I know that you’re recovering, and I wouldn’t want to hinder that. So I won’t do anything without full disclosure, Jules. You know that I’m a fuck up. I used to get off on breaking couples apart and supporting that with the cheating theory I still believe.” He paused for a moment, and his shoulders lowered a fraction. “But when I see you, things just change. I want to be wrong about everything I ever believed in. I can’t create a boundary between friends and lovers when I’m with you. So it’s a constant struggle inside: do I hit on Jules, or do I leave her alone because I know that I will hurt her? Do I kiss her deep with my tongue the way she deserves to be kissed, or just peck her on her cheek? Do I just give in and fuck her the way I know she wants me to, or do I take that need and make more of it – make it last?”
When he looked at me this time, I felt my mouth fall open. All the words he’d said mixed and mumbled in my brain. That I wasn’t ready for. I just wanted to see him last night – I didn’t expect this floodgate of unspoken feelings between us to be opened.
I lifted my coffee and took another sip. I was pretty sure it was part of a strategy not to speak at the moment. I just wasn’t sure how to process all this, and I wanted to hear what else Scar had to say. And I definitely didn’t know what to say.
“Please tell me you feel the same way. I mean, Jules, when I’m close to you, I just want to rip those clothes off your back and have you in my arms the way I used to. Please tell me you’ve thought about us that way, because I’ve never met anyone I felt so comfortable with. As much as I want to remain friends, you must know that we have some unfinished business. I’ve cursed myself to death for not having a condom that night in the cave, and if I were able to bring that night back, I’d make sure I’d get to feel you squeeze around my cock. And it’s not just about sex anymore, it’s... you’re just my Jules.”
His words licked through me like fire, my mind shifting to an image of our connected bodies tumbling anywhere and everywhere in my house as he thrust inside me. I heard myself panting, and my limbs grew weaker and my chest sweated at the thought. Oh, God, how much I wanted to feel his width and length plunge deep inside me and for Scar to bury himself to the hilt! I’d been dreaming about this moment almost every night for the past six years. But what would happen afterward? I didn’t even know how not to walk out of the room once I was done having sex.
“But I won’t touch you without your permission. I will not fuck this up, and as much as I want to get down on my knees and underneath this table, take off those purple panties so that I can taste you, I won’t until I’m worthy of you.”
You have my permission! I looked behind me to see whether the lace band had come above my pants, and of course it had. When had he even noticed that?
“Scar, I thought you didn’t do relationships.”
“I never have. I’m not sure I know how to be in one. But I would try for you.”
“I don’t know if I can give you what you want.” I stood up and started clearing the dishes, placing them in the sink. I was so scared of this. Once we slept together, there would be no turning back. During the past six years I hadn’t slept with the same man more than once. Could I do so with Scar? Would I be strong enough to give us a chance? I felt like I was already screwing things up. Relationships shouldn’t start with the couple contemplating how many times they could or could not sleep with each other. They should begin on a deeper level. Much deeper. Between my legs deeper.
Stop it!
I leaned against the counter, my legs twitch with impatience underneath me.
“I know exactly what I want, and I’m willing to do everything to get it.” I felt Scar behind me before I even heard him. He gently grasped my hand and pulled me around to face him. He had a hungry look in his eyes, his gaze skimming over my body, heating it from the bottom to top. “You, Jules. I’ve wanted you every night and every day for the past six years. Except that I know I can’t have you – at least not until I figure some stuff out. At this moment, I don’t know how to make us happen without hurting you. But I’m willing to try, even if it will take a century to get there. The last thing I want is to see that pain in your eyes, the same one you probably had when I left Colorado. So please believe me when I say we’ll take things slow. I mean it.”
Damn it. I was afraid my lady parts would rust if I had to wait that long for him to be inside me.
“Scar, I don’t date. I can’t date. I’m not ready. Just being near you is difficult.” My mouth moved on instinct. While I knew I wasn’t ready, I totally didn’t mean any of it.
He lifted both his hands to my shoulders, his fingers massaging my bare skin. One of the straps of my tank top fell down my arm.
“We’d take it slow.” His sweet breath teased me as I imagined his tongue trailing all over my body. His whispered words had a completely different meaning to him than they did to me, because my thoughts always revolved around sex. ‘Taking it slow’ meant titillating me at an arousingly lazy pace.
“Why is being close to me difficult for you?”
What?
“I’m not sure what I’m supposed to feel. I’m afraid that I’ll fall back on old habits. It’s hard to make a distinction between the normal and unhealthy for me.”
“You mean sleeping with me once, for pleasure only? Using me? Thinking that after one night I would walk away?” His mouth curved up slightly. Did he even know how sexy he looked? I felt my belly thrum with excitement.
“I’m more afraid that I’d walk away.”
“I wouldn’t let you leave that easily, Jules. If there’s one thing I do know about myself, it’s that I’m one persistent son of a bitch.”
That was true.
“What if we screw it up?” I asked.
“We won’t know unless we try. Jules, all I need to know is that you want this as much as I do and that you’re willing to give us a chance. Leave the rest to me. I’m going to figure out how to make it work if it’s the last thing I do. I have a lot of business to take care of this week and will not be available. Maybe this time away will give me a better perspective of my life and us. It will give you some time to think about what I said as well. The last thing I want is to rush this. Jules, I’ve never been stumped by a woman before, but you... what I’m trying to say is that I think we need to start over.”
“So, we’re back to the dating argument.” To say that I was surprised by this sudden change in Scar would be an understatement. He’d never dated… and now he wanted to start wit
h me? Wasn’t that like giving heroin to a recovering addict? This was definitely going to end in disaster. Where relationships were concerned, I was like an F5 tornado and he was stepping right in the middle of it. But then again, the eye was the calmest part of a twister. Could I give him a chance? Could I give it to myself as well?
My gaze followed his to his hand on my shoulder. He dragged his finger from there over my collar bone to the hollow at the bottom of my neck, and then down my cleavage. I closed my eyes. The touch felt so good and soothing. As his hand drew lower, I felt his finger brush my nipple, right over the tank top, and I wanted nothing more than to rip it off me to feel him skin to skin. All the talking about taking things slow vanished the moment he touched me.
“I’m pretty sure we’d last a while because I don’t think I could pleasure you only once, Jules. You’re so beautiful, you take my breath away.”
Yet it was my breath he stole with every word.
“Do you want me to continue?” He pinched my nipple, dragging it out and releasing it.
A moan of delight escaped my mouth. Yes, I wanted him to continue, but I was afraid that until I understood where our relationship was or wasn’t going that we would only make it worse and would never make it past the first swirl of that tornado. Right now, we were both high on hormones; both needy and wanton. It wasn’t the best time to make decisions. One of us would use the other, possibly panic, and then move onto the next victim. I had never tried to commit to one person. But then again, Scar had never propositioned me this way before either.
“We can start out by trying to be friends,” I said.
“I want that more than anything, but it’s not enough.”
“What if it’s all I can offer?” I was so lying, because I wanted to not only offer him my entire body, but also my soul. I wanted him to take me and I couldn’t wait until he did.
“All right, let’s compromise then. No fondling until we both agree.”
I chuckled.
“You don’t think I can do it, Jules?”
I shook my head.
“Well, then I’ll take that challenge. But I promise you’ll be begging for me to touch you sooner than you think.”
Somehow I didn’t doubt that.
“I’ll take my time getting to know you all over again.”
He dragged his finger up to my lips and pulled it over their seam. This kitchen needed a better ventilation system because I couldn’t find enough air. He leaned into my ear and whispered in a raspy voice, “Every. Single. Inch of you.”
Crap! This taking things slow would definitely be hard if he kept this up.
“Let me take you out and spoil you the way I’ve always wanted. I want to win you over and show you I’m worthy.” With his hands cupping my cheeks he searched my eyes for an answer.
I cleared my throat. “Is that a fancy way of asking me out on a date when I don’t do dates?” I smiled.
“No, it’s a fancy way of me asking you to give me a chance, to join me for dinner, go out to the movies, explore the possibilities like normal people. I’ll do everything to be normal for once.”
Translation: Yes, I’m asking you out on a date.
I lowered his hand from my face. I desperately wanted to give in, but didn’t know how to. There was no way I’d lose what we had. It was too special. He was too important.
“Who are you, and what have you done with Scar?” I shook my head.
“I’m a man who’s made too many mistakes and has been given a chance to correct one of them. Please don’t rob me of that chance.”
Guilt me into it, why don’t you?
My entire body coiled from the inside out. What was that elite feeling brewing in my chest? Happiness? Excitement? Was I really going to do this? I hadn’t dated anyone in six years. Yes, that sounded odd for a twenty-eight-year old, but that was the path my life had led me on and I couldn’t change the past. All I could do was create a new future.
Scar pinned me between him and the counter again. I probably had that ‘deer stuck in the headlights’ look right about now. My heart was beating off the charts. The earthquake in my chest that was tearing me apart and putting me back together as I struggled to find a compromise between what I knew I should do, which was walk away, and what I really wanted to do, which was to jump into his arms and give us a try. The first choice meant no future, two broken hearts and a friendship forever ruined. The second choice was a big question mark – it could be fatal to us both, or it could be the single best decision we ever made.
Both his hands came back to my face. He cupped it and neared his mouth to my lips. Inches away, I could feel its warmth. How could I say no to him? My entire body was screaming at me to agree. I wanted to taste him and hold him and give my everything to him, but instead I turned my face sideways where he planted a soft wet smooch to my cheek.
“I’m sorry,” I whispered.
“So, it’s a no.”
“No, it’s not a no.”
“Then is it a yes?” he asked with hope.
“Give me some time to think about it. There are things I need to figure out. If we date, I need to find a way to keep satisfied without hurting you.”
Did I just say that?
“You mean sexually?”
“No. I mean yes. I don’t know what I mean. It’s just a lot to take in, Scar. I’ve never been with someone more than once, and I’m afraid my mind will wander because when I’m with you all I want is to...”
My hand flew up to my mouth and I felt my eyes bulge out.
“What, Jules? What do you want?”
But he already knew the answer. Scar leaned into me, saying, “Once you let me, I will make you come over and over again, until you beg me to stop, Jules. If there is anything I’m good at in this life, it’s satisfying a woman.”
My throat tightened. Would it be odd if I asked him for a sneak peek? I shook my head.
He crossed his arms over his chest. “I can wait until you figure all that stuff out.”
I looked him over and leaned back against the counter. “Scar, I’m gonna need a bit longer than a few minutes.”
“Well, since I’ll be busy this week, that’s perfect timing then. But know that by next weekend, if I’m feeling the same way I do now, there’s no way I’m taking no for an answer.”
“Okay. I’m willing to try. If we can last this week and not find a way to ruin it or run the other way, I’ll go out on a date with you.” I paused. “And Scar?”
“Yes?”
“You are normal.”
CHAPTER 8
I couldn’t stay away. On day one without Scar, I sulked on the couch watching re-runs of CSI: Miami, thinking how kick-ass it would be to know kickboxing. Their jumps never appeared rehearsed or fake, but then again what did I know about being a cop? After the third re-run I finally took a shower, pulled on a pair of shorts and a t-shirt, got in my beat up car, and drove to Manhattan. An hour later and in the middle of the day I was parked in front of Hounds, drumming my fingers on the steering wheel.
Why couldn’t I stay away for longer than twenty four hours? It was early afternoon on Monday, and Scar was probably not here. Since I didn’t know where he lived, I first contemplated driving to his parents’ house. But what would I say? Heck, I didn’t even know what I’d say to him if I saw him today.
“Hi, I couldn’t stop thinking about you all day and all night like a fucking stupid hormone-ridden girl and I had to see you,” I said to myself. “And I want to kiss your lips, and that perfect cock I saw at the hospital. If you want me to keep away, you better leave the country.”
That image would be seared in my mind forever.
“He probably isn’t even here.”
I finally turned off the ignition and stepped out of the car. I knocked on the front door, but no one answered. Why was I even expecting a strip club to be open in the middle of the day on Monday? I started walking back to my car.
“Jules?”
Scar’s voice
was like that perfect song you heard that increased your pulse with the first beat. I turned on my heel, and seeing his naked torso with sweat dripping and glistening in the sun, my tongue twisted in my mouth when I wanted to speak.
“Hiay, ay, ay...”
Did I just drool? Kill me now!
Stepping toward him, I lost my balance and flew right into his arms.
“I promise I’m not usually this clumsy,” I said.
“And I promise I usually wear a shirt. What are you doing here?” Scar let go of my arms and steadied me.
“I... I’m not sure.”
He regarded me, scanning my body from the bottom up as if contemplating what to do with me. Had I come at a bad time? Was there someone inside he didn’t want me to see?
“Come in. I was about to close up. We were upgrading the air conditioning unit.”
That would explain the sweat rolling down his skin. I followed him inside. With the white lights on instead of colorful beams, no music, no laughter and no cheering, the club looked completely different in daytime. If I hadn’t been here last weekend, I wouldn’t have recognized the place. I felt the first beads of sweat drip down my back, and now understood why Scar had removed his shirt. This place felt like a sauna.
“Excuse the mess. The cleaning crew doesn’t come in until the afternoon.”
“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to intrude.”
“Sit.” He pointed to the stage where his shirt was draped over the edge. Scar’s laptop was open, with the club’s logo floating around on the screen. Papers were scattered to the side. He was obviously working.
“I don’t want to interrupt.” I hopped up on the polished floor. It was a good thing I wasn’t wearing a dress today. The reflection off the mirrors was definitely dangerous.
“You’re not. I was done.”
Scar shut his laptop. The energy between us sizzled with tension. Had I made a mistake?
Just get it over with, Jules.
“I don’t think I can wait a week,” I finally blurted. “Actually, since I’m here, I’m sure I can’t wait. I had to see you, Scar. It’s weird. I’ve been alone for years, but now that I’ve seen you, every hour I spend on my own feels like another month without you. It confuses me. I’m not supposed to... need you. I’m not supposed to need anyone.”