The door handle rattled and both ladies turned their heads.
Julian staggered into the apartment. His eyes were glazed.
Liza bit her lip and looked away from him.
Ava stood. “I’ll catch you later, Liza. Thanks for listening.” She sauntered over to Julian and rested a finger on his shoulder. She waved her other hand in front of her nose. “If you’re going to try to cover something up, avoid bathing in cologne. You’re either trying to hide your drinking or you’re hiding an affair.”
“I’d never cheat on her.” Julian stared at Liza.
“You’re not fooling anyone.” Ava patted him on the shoulder, waved to Liza, and out the door she went.
“I wish you’d talk to me.” Liza stood and neared him. She covered her nose with her hand and took a step back. “Okay, I want to hug you, but you need to wash some of that shit off.”
“Liza.” He slurred her name.
“Who drove you?”
“I took a cab.”
“I’m going to bed.”
*****
Liza curled her body as much as her thirty-two week pregnant belly would allow.
Julian climbed in beside her and wrapped his arms around her. He was naked.
“Not going to happen.” She scooted away from him, shoved her hands under her pillow, and closed her eyes. “Despite all your attempts to cover it up, I can still smell the whiskey.”
“I love you.”
“I love you, too.” She let out a deep breath and rolled over to face him. “But you’re shutting me out when you don’t talk to me.”
“Old habits die hard, I guess.” He ran his fingers down her arm. “What did Ava want?”
“Ethan and Terra got engaged today. I guess it hurt her feelings she didn’t know they were dating.”
Julian chuckled. “Her and Drew are doing the same thing.”
“She still claims there’s no relationship there.” Liza thrust herself up so her head was resting on her hand. “Why are you drinking?”
Julian shrugged. “I don’t know.”
“I feel like since I quit my job, you’ve gotten worse. It worries me.” She caught his hand and squeezed. “I don’t want to sound like a nag, but I want you to be healthy and obviously, it’s my fault.”
“It’s not your fault. I’m having problems controlling my thoughts.” Julian rubbed his forehead.
“But why? Have you been taking your pills?” She sat up and fought to find a comfortable position where she could rub his head with both hands. “Sit up, face me, and lean forward.”
Julian complied. “Not at night. I can’t take them with alcohol.”
“The pills are your priority. With them you’re more in control. Ignoring the pills in favor of the booze is feeding the negative.” Liza massaged his temples and head. “You take the majority of your medication at night. The alcohol may numb your thoughts for a little while, but the medication helps with the long term effects.”
“They don’t help, Liza. The thoughts are still there. The manic and depressive episodes are worse than the medication can handle.” He laid his head against her belly as she massaged his neck. “I wish she’d move for me.” He pushed gently against her belly.
“Maybe if she kicks you in the head it will knock some sense into you.” Liza moved her fingers down his neck to his shoulders. “How can it help when you’re not consistent? If you’re taking the meds and you’re still having problems then we go see Dr. Marcus or we deal with things together.”
Julian let out a heavy breath. “I know you’re right, but damn it, when I’m drinking for a few hours I don’t have to live in my own head.”
“You’ll never be regulated if you don’t give it a try. Stop with the excuses.” Liza stopped her massage.
“Thank you. Turn around.”
“You make that sound easy.” Liza hoisted herself up and rotated her body. “The pill thing isn’t a quick fix, but in the long run, it’s better for you. And what about your special stash you have? I haven’t seen you smoking it in awhile? Isn’t that supposed to help with some of this?”
“It does. I smoke at the lab. I try not to here, I know this is a smoke free building.”
“If you need to smoke, do it. Especially if it helps. I’d rather see you smoking than drinking.”
Julian squeezed her shoulders. “You make it sound easy.”
“I didn’t say it would be easy.” She shrugged his hands off her shoulders. God, he could piss her off in an instant.
“That didn’t come out right.” Julian hauled her into his arms.
She struggled, but her fight didn’t last long. His strength and her belly had her outmatched. “All I want is for you to be happy. You won’t find it in the bottom of a bottle.”
“I know.” He touched her chest above her heart. “This is where I’ll find happiness.”
Liza pushed herself up and placed his hand on his own heart. “You have to find happiness here before you can find happiness with anyone else.”
*****
October 21st
The alarm rang indicating someone came in the driveway. Julian checked the cameras. Drew. What was he doing here? He checked his phone, but it was off. Fuck it, he’d let himself in. He poured a glass of whiskey – took the shot and washed it down with another.
Leaning against the wall, he closed his eyes. He enjoyed the burn of the whiskey. A little too much.
“Isn’t it a little late for you to be sitting in the lab?”
“Isn’t it a little late for you to be wandering into my house?” Julian opened one eye to peer at his brother standing across the room. Drew stared at the bottle of whiskey.
“How much have you had to drink?” Drew strode over to stand by his brother’s desk.
Julian shrugged. “Enough.” He sat forward and poured another shot.
Drew captured the glass, downed it and had the bottle out of Julian’s hands before he knew what was going on. “And now I’m sure, you’ve had too much to drink. He snatched the bottle and dumped it in the sink. “Are you out of your mind? What the fuck has gotten into you?”
Julian rested his arms on his desk and laid his head down. “Nothing.”
“Bullshit. Liza says you’ve come home drunk every night this week.” Drew slammed a chair down next to the desk.
Julian looked up as Drew sat down.
“I can’t help you if I don’t give me a hint?”
Julian leaned back in his chair again. “I felt the need for a drink.”
“You know what Dad says about feeling the need for a drink.” Drew gave a smile.
“If you feel the need for a drink, it’s the worst time to have one.” Julian laced his fingers at behind his neck. “He’s never been a big drinker.”
“Neither are you, except when you’re scared,” Drew countered. “There’s been times Mom’s hinted Dad’s drinking wasn’t always as controlled.”
“Dad would smack me in the head right now.” Julian flinched as if Dad had sent him a mental slap.
“Of course he would.” Drew laughed, his smile faded and he bent forward in his seat. “Does Liza suspect you’re drinking tonight.”
“I didn’t realize I had a keeper.” Julian folded his arms across his chest.
Drew rolled his eyes. “Fuck you, that’s not what this is about.” He pulled his cell phone of his pocket.
“What are doing?”
“Texting Liza.”
Julian’s heart pounded and his pulse raced. He shot out of the chair, caught Drew by the shirt, and dragged him to his feet.
Drew held up both hands in a gesture of surrender, he jerked his head back, and his eyes widened.
“Are you trying to ruin everything between you and Liza?”
Julian could feel the flush spreading up his face. He raised his fist.
Drew shook his head. “I’m in love with Ava.” Drew pried Julian’s hand off his shirt. “Sit down and don’t pull that jealousy thing with me, I’m your
brother.”
Julian dropped into his chair, his elbows on his knees, his head resting on his hands. “Sorry,” he hiccupped.
“I would never do that to you.” Drew returned to his seat. “Now, I’m texting Liza to let her know you’re all right.”
Julian met his brother’s eyes. “But I’m not all right.”
“I know.” Drew reached out and clapped his brother on the shoulder.
“I’m falling apart and I don’t know what to do.” He threaded his fingers together on top of his head. “With Blake getting engaged yesterday, you and I are the last hold outs. But worse, I feel guilty that I can’t commit to Liza.”
“What? Speak English.”
“The whole engagement thing. We’re the last two not ready to take the plunge.”
“Don’t lump me in with you. I’d ask Ava to marry me in a heartbeat if I thought she’d go for it.” Drew shrugged. “And if you’re concerned about being the only holdout, ask her to marry you. You love her.”
“I can’t.”
Drew rolled his eyes. “Ridiculous.” He shook his head. “That was before you met the love of your life. You weren’t ready before. You thought it was the next logical step, only you were too stupid to see neither of them was right for you. Liza is. Why should she have to pay for the two other bitches mistakes? It’s not fair to her. And it’s not fair to you.”
“Whitney was different,” Julian countered. “She spent two years conning me to get married and then another year and a half to convince me to trust her. Three and a half years and not two days later she pulled her shit.”
“Liza’s stood by you through all your bullshit.”
“But how do I know?” Julian pounded his fist against his hand “How long before I drive Liza away?”
“You didn’t drive Whitney to shit. She chose to cheat on you,” Drew said. “How long has it been since you and Liza discussed marriage?”
“We talked about it before the ultrasound. Caused a rather large fight and she ended up reminding me I had a home to go to.”
“Ouch.” Drew grimaced. “What’d you say to her?”
“I pressed replay — the whole two ex-wives and not wanting a third one. And she turned my words against me and said ‘maybe I don’t want a first ex-husband.’ She floored me on that one. Pissed me off, but floored me.” Julian leaned forward again. “I don’t want to be her first ex-husband.”
Drew laughed. “Good, see, she’s her own woman. But you do want to spend your life with her right?”
“She’s getting depressed, Drew. I’m making her depressed.”
“Dude, you’re talking about a woman who’s eight months pregnant – pregnancy hormones make women all kinds of crazy. Don’t you remember when Audrey was pregnant?” Drew chuckled. “Shit, Jake thought she was going to kill him when we got home from Chicago.”
“I don’t think that had as much to do with pregnancy hormones as it did with her not knowing Jake was going to be gone all weekend.”
“Yeah – probably, but still pregnancy hormones are pretty brutal.” Drew shook his head. “If she’s depressed it may have nothing to do with you. Not only is she pregnant, but she’s been working since she got out of high school. She's used to making her own way, supporting herself and other people, not relying on others.”
“What I’m going to do? She’s my heart and soul, but damn it, maybe we’re not meant to be?” Julian’s chest constricted.
“You’re just scared.
He stood up and paced the floor. “All I’ve ever wanted is to have what Mom and Dad have. What Gramps and Gram have. Hell, they celebrated their seventy-first wedding anniversary this year. I’ve always wanted to find the one person to be happy with for the rest of my life. Now I’ve found her and I can’t make her happy.”
Julian stopped pacing and rubbed his forehead.
Drew was quiet as he watched him. “That’s the problem, man. You love her, you want her, and you have her, but those two bitches you married have you second guessing yourself. All you’re doing is waiting for it to happen again and sabotaging your happiness as well as hers. You can’t let them win.”
Julian growled, took one-step to the nearest lab table, and cleared it with one swoop of his hand. Glass flasks and beakers fell to the floor and shattered. He fell to his knees and leaned against the wall.
“It’s not supposed to be like this.” He covered his face with his hands and then peered up at Drew, who was now kneeling in front of him. “She doesn’t deserve the shit I put her through. The shit I’m going to continue to put her through. As much as I hate to say it, maybe this is one of those times I need to let her go.”
“Don’t be an idiot. Are you listening to yourself? In one breath you say you can’t live without her and the next, you have to dump her. That’s the booze talking. You don’t want to leave her anymore than she wants you to leave her. It’s a fact, pure and simple.” Drew touched Julian’s shoulder. “Rather than letting her go, wouldn’t it be better to spend the rest of your life, making sure she knew how much you loved her?”
“How do I do it when I fuck up every time?”
“No, only when you open your mouth and proceed to eat your foot.” Drew chuckled. “There has to be something she loves about you, she’s still with you, and think about it . . . you’ve given her plenty of reasons to leave but she doesn’t. Why? Because she loves your sorry ass.”
Julian snorted. “You’re right—”
The trill of Drew’s phone interrupted this conversation. “It’s Ava.”
“Answer it.” Julian glanced up at the clock. “It’s after midnight. She’s worried about you.”
“Worried I’m out with someone else is more like it.” Drew sent the call to voicemail and sent her a quick text “We’ve been fighting.”
“Welcome to the club. Sucks, don’t it?” Julian leaned his head against the wall. Here he was inconveniencing people again. Hell, Liza would be going out of her mind crazy. He pushed himself off the floor to check his phone. Picking it up he stared at the blank screen.
Drew’s phone chimed again. He laughed. “Ava said to drink coffee and eat food, so she can have her toy back.”
“Toy?” A smirk spread across Julian’s face.
“She was making a joke about kids and sharing.” Drew sat down in the chair next to Julian’s desk.
“Yeah – I got that.” Julian’s smile got wider. “We could send her back the toy.”
Drew punched him in the arm. “Fuck you. Here I’ve been trying to make you feel better all night and you go say something like that.”
“I’m joking.” Julian laughed.
“Still.” Drew leaned back in his chair. “Feeling any better?”
“A little.” Julian drew his hand down his face. “I regret drinking.”
“Well, let’s head upstairs and see if we can sober you up, before you head home. I’d drop you off, but I don’t think you want her to see you drunk.”
“I’ve gone home drunk every night for the last week. I think she’s used to it by now.”
Drew stood and held his hand out for his brother. “Well, then let’s surprise her with you sober.”
Julian accepted the hand and stood up. The two brothers hugged before heading toward the steps.
Drew put his hand on Julian’s back as they headed up the steps. “I love you man.”
“I know.”
“You’re an ass.”
“I know that.” Julian stopped at the top of the steps and looked at Drew. “And I love your stupid ass too.”
*****
October 22nd
Liza paced the apartment. She checked the clock again. 2:59 A.M. She hit the button to call his phone again. It went straight to voicemail. She tried Drew, but there was no answer there either.
The door handle shook as a key was put in it.
She hurried to the door and threw it open before he could. “Where have you been?”
“At the lab, Drew texted you.�
�� Julian closed the door behind him.
“That was four hours ago, he said you were okay and he was with you. That’s all it said.” Liza paced the floor. “Ava called me at midnight and said something about a toy and sobering up?”
Julian chuckled.
“It’s not funny. I’ve been worried.” Liza spun around and fixed him with a glare. He’d be gone all day and well into the night and now he was laughing like it was a joke. “No.” Her lips parted and she was about to say something, but shook her head. She went over and dropped onto the couch. “I—” She stopped again. Didn’t he know she was worried sick about him?
He came around the couch and sat down beside her.
She scooted away from him and clenched her jaw. She wasn’t giving in this time.
“I got drunk again, but had my car, so I had to wait until I sobered up.”
“You and Drew went out for a good time and didn’t bother to tell anyone.”
“No, I was drinking alone and then Drew came over. To check on me, I suppose.”
“I texted him to see if he knew where you were,” Liza admitted.
“Are you attracted to my brother?”
“Are you serious, because that’s not even funny.” Liza shook her head. “Don’t start that shit with me?”
“If you are, attracted to him or anyone else for that matter, I’ll step aside. I want you to be happy.” He reached out for her hand.
“You’re an asshole.” She interlocked her fingers with his and ran her hand down his face. “But you’re my asshole. Got it? I love you I don’t want to be with anyone else.”
Julian brought her hand to his lips and kissed it. “I assume you heard Blake and Lindsay got engaged.”
“Yeah – I was there,” Liza said. “Kind of funny, he tossed the ring on the table and then asked her.”
“Everyone else was making grand gestures and he went for the straight and easy.”
“Something like that.” She bit her bottom lip before meeting his eyes. “Is there . . .” she stopped when his gaze dropped to the floor. Every time the subject came up before they’d ended up fighting. She didn’t want that.
“I don’t want to fight about this, Liza.”
“Fine.” She stood and dropped his hand. “I’m going to bed. Maybe you should have stayed at home since you don’t want to talk.” She walked toward the bedroom.
If You Only Knew (And Then Came Love Book 1) Page 30