“Of course.”
“Look at them. Don’t they already make a beautiful couple?” Myra, Sean’s mother, cooed from behind us.
The fact that my own mother didn’t reply didn’t escape me.
One of our servants started to follow us, but my father stopped him. “No need to escort them, Phillip. Sean, Alea, stay on the veranda.”
Once we were outside, our mutual discomfort became evident when we each released a long held breath. Our eyes met when Sean took my hand in his before we sat together. He kept his voice low and controlled when he spoke.
“I’ve known you a long time, Alea. I’d like to think we’ve always been friends.”
“We have, Sean. You are most definitely my friend.”
“As your friend, I should tell you I had no idea this was happening. You can probably tell from the conversation this wasn’t my plan. I’ve known you long enough to know marrying me wasn’t in your plans either. I thought I should get us both out of there before you passed out.” His self-deprecating smile warmed my heart, because my friend was behind it, and the last thing I wanted to do was offend him.
“Sean, you’re a wonderful man. I very much don’t want to hurt your feelings.”
“It doesn’t hurt my feelings, Alea. I feel the same way you feel right now. You’ve always been a good friend to me, and I never want to lose that. The truth is, we don’t want to marry each other.”
“No. We don’t. What do we do?”
“I don’t know yet. I’ll try to figure something out. Let’s just get through the rest of the evening the best we can. Don’t give them false hope, but don’t let on we’re not happy just yet. Think you can do that?”
“Okay. Let’s just get through today.”
When we walked back in, his parents were smiling widely, obviously convinced we were discussing our perfect union. The smiles my parents sported were closer to pain-filled grimaces than anything. They could read my expression despite my best efforts to hide how I felt. Over dinner, the conversation often drifted to reminiscing over the time we spent together during our childhood. No doubt it was an ongoing effort to remind us how perfectly we fit.
Now that I’m alone in my room, the full weight of the evening hits me. I’ve been betrothed against my will to a young man whose family standing matches mine in numerous ways. They are successful, know what it means to have money, and know what it takes to make more. On paper and at a quick glance, he’s perfect for me and I’m perfect for him. Both of our families are well-off, financially speaking. My father’s grandfather started our family business when he was a young man. Sean’s great-grandfather did the same.
We socialize in the same circles, so we have a lot of the same friends. Our parents are best friends. Even our grandparents were close friends. All these things in common add up to one thing and one thing alone.
Our families will benefit from our union.
Our fathers will make more money, with a lifetime guarantee of a lucrative partnership.
My family’s lineage has been engrained in my very existence since the day I was born. I’ve always been proud to be a Dunn for a reason.
But today is different.
While Sean is a very nice man, I do not love him. He is not the man I want to spend my life with, plan my wedding with, or go on my dream honeymoon with. And I’m not his first choice either. I’m okay with that because I completely understand how he feels. I also know we’re both at the mercy of our families.
I dream of a love that consumes me like a wildfire. One that takes my breath away. One that I know I’d wither up and die without him in my life. I want my heart to flutter and my palms to sweat just from being in his presence. Whoever he is.
I feel like I’m being sacrificed at the altar just to give my father and Sean’s father more money than they already have.
I’ve been sold to the highest bidder.
* * *
March 1790
Christmas holiday was spent with the family of my husband-to-be. While we are friends, my affections for him have not grown past that in the least. Father thinks I’m intentionally withholding fondness from Sean, though I’ve assured him in every way I’m not. What must I do to convince him?
Sean and I took a long walk on his estate grounds late one afternoon. His manservant was always nearby, keeping us well within his sights, but far enough away that we had privacy to speak openly. At this stage of our courting, being completely alone is apparently entirely unheard of. Funny, since Sean and I were friends as small children and were able to play together without the same level of scrutiny.
“Alea, I’ve tried everything I know to do, but I can’t get us out of this marriage. I promise I’ll be a good husband to you. I’ll provide for you and protect you as expected. I’ll do my best never to bring dishonor or shame on you,” Sean assured me.
But I wasn’t sure what he meant exactly, so I pressed him on his choice of words.
“Sean, what do you mean, exactly? That you will do your best never to bring dishonor or shame on me?”
He was much too quiet for far too long while he considered how he should reply and explain himself. After he confessed what was on his mind, I wished he’d taken more time.
“I have certain needs that you can’t fulfill for me. My plan is to discreetly manage my desires outside of our arranged marriage. At some point, we’ll be expected to produce an heir to carry on the family name. We’ll cross that bridge when our hand is forced. Until then, our union will be mostly friendship and appearances.”
He explained himself with such cold, detached descriptions, it was almost as if he was just recounting the latest news to me, but about someone else, someone distant to us.
But it’s not—it’s about us directly. It’s about me, and it’s about the rest of my life.
What have I gotten myself into?
For the past three months, Mom has spent every waking minute with Sean’s mom, Myra. They’ve planned every aspect of my wedding—from the color of the bridesmaid dresses, to who will print the invitations, to what we’ll have to eat at the reception and the celebration dinner.
I’ve been dragged along every time so I can spend more time with Sean before our wedding night. He was the normal, nice Sean for the first few weeks. Then he began to change, becoming more and more sullen, withdrawn, and curt with me.
By the end of January, he could no longer hide what his urges and inclinations included. The weeks he had spent with me kept him from his activities and made him very cranky. So he threatened me with bodily harm if I outed him, then took me with him to the secret place where he meets his male lover.
So many thoughts ran through my mind when I realized what was happening. What I’d been brought into without prior warning, without my consent. Men are arrested and sentenced to death every day for what they’re doing. Their family names are ruined, their family members are publicly shamed, their possessions are sold at auction, and their wives and children are forced to rely on the kindness of distant relatives to take them in.
I’ll admit, at first, I was afraid I’d be arrested with them for simply knowing what was happening without turning them in. Fourteen prisoners were recently put to death for this very crime—and more are still in jail awaiting their sentences. It scared me more than I can explain. Would I be considered an accomplice for simply having knowledge of it?
By the end of February, the weight of the secret was too much to bear any longer. While Mother and Myra were busy in the parlor—making more wedding plans for me—I left Sean to himself and joined my father in his private study.
I’ve always been close to my father and can talk to him about anything. I prayed that fact held true as I approached him that evening. My intentions were to persuade him to put a stop to the wedding without putting Sean at risk.
The things he does are definitely against the law, but Sean doesn’t deserve to die because of it. If that were to happen, if he were to be found out because of me, I coul
d never live with myself. The other concern I have is more self-centered. If we married and he was found out later in life, I’m not sure I could handle the whispers and condemnation from others. People can be so cruel, and when they think they are righteous and someone else isn’t, they have no issue with expressing it. Aside from how they’ll treat Sean, I’m sure many will question what is wrong with me and why I wasn’t enough for him.
“Father, I need to speak with you. Privately and in confidence, please.” My voice was strong and sure despite the flips my stomach turned.
“Of course, sweetheart. Come in and close the door behind you.”
“I need your word this will stay between just the two of us. Not even Mother can know. It’s very important to me,” I stressed as I took a seat across from him.
His expression turned serious as he weighed my request. “Asking me to keep this from your mother is an unusual request, so it must be a very serious topic.”
“It’s a matter of life and death, Father.”
A flash of shock crossed his face before his expression changed to a tentative understanding. It was that moment when I realized my father already may have an idea about the bomb I planned to drop on him.
“You have my word, Alea.”
“I need you to stop this wedding to Sean. I can’t go through with it. In fact, it’s best for our entire family the whole thing is forgotten.”
“Why? Be more specific.”
As much as I hated to say it aloud and risk exposing Sean, because he is my friend no matter what, I had no other choice. “He’s actively engaged in unnatural acts with another man.”
“Unnatural acts” is the legal term used by the courts and is prominently featured in our newspapers, listing each man’s name and the circumstances surrounding his arrest. Those two words gave my father the full picture of what we faced, and no further explanation was needed.
“I see,” he replied and leaned back in his chair. “You’re positive of this?”
“I am. One hundred percent.”
“I must confess I’ve heard rumors about him, concerning this very thing. There hasn’t been anything concrete, just rumblings and insinuations. But if this is true, if you’re absolutely sure, we must delicately extricate ourselves from this situation. Again, Alea, you’re absolutely certain?”
“I’ve met him, Father. Sean has taken me to their secret meeting place. I’ve been terrified I’d be arrested by association. I can’t do it anymore.”
His face flushed red, and his hands curled into fists. “He took you with him?”
“He did, but he didn’t want to. His hand was forced with all the wedding planning and pushing us to spend more and more time together. How do we get out of this without hurting either of our family names?”
He took a moment to contemplate my question before coming to an acceptable conclusion. “My business is booming, and I’m expanding it into America now. You and your mother will accompany me on my trip at the end of March. It’ll be a good excuse to get you away from this situation. Your mother will be excited about going on a family trip together. We can figure out how best to cancel this arrangement when we’ve put some distance between our families. Until then, you’ll have to keep up the pretense of being engaged to Sean.”
“I can do that as long as I know it’s not my reality. If I have to stay in America, I can do that, too.”
“Let’s hope there’s no need for such drastic measures. The situation may work itself out while we’re gone. Perhaps Sean will seek the company of another young lady to replace you while we’re away and completely absolve you of your commitment.”
“One can only hope. Though, regardless of how it’s accomplished, I don’t want any harm to come to Sean or his family. The quieter the better. For all of us.”
“I agree wholeheartedly, my dear.”
“Thank you, Father. I knew I could count on you to help me. Now I’m especially excited for our voyage, and I can’t wait for you to inform Mother we’re going with you to America!”
He chuckled at my sudden enthusiasm. “You’re a good friend to Sean. He would’ve been lucky to have you as a wife. But you’re exactly right—discretion is best. Now, let’s go and tell your mother together.”
Myra was visibly upset over the news of our travel plans, but Mother was so excited she momentarily forgot about planning my nuptials. When she realized Myra’s distress, Mother assured her we would be back well in time to pull the remaining tasks together for a grand affair.
For the first time in the last six months, I didn’t have to fake my happiness.
Sean’s expression was a mixture of relief and worry. His eyes sought mine, and I saw the questions hidden in them.
“I know you will miss me terribly, Sean,” I teased playfully. “But trust me when I say, you’ll be just fine without me.”
He seemed to catch my hidden message and gave me a grateful smile. “Come sit outside with me before Mother and I have to leave.”
Seated in the gazebo in my backyard, Sean faced me and held my hand for the sake of the eyes watching our every movement. “We’re not getting married, are we?”
“No, Sean, we’re not. My father and I are working on a way out of it that results in the least amount of drama for either of us. Regardless, you’ll never have to worry about being betrayed by me. I’ll never do anything that’ll cause you to be harmed.”
“You really are my best friend, Alea. And I honestly will miss you. If it comes down to it, you can blame me for our problems and save your own reputation.”
“I appreciate the offer, but there’s no scenario that doesn’t result in some sort of scandal, one way or another, unless we jointly decide we’re better as friends and refuse to accept the life our parents have decided we’ll have. At least then, our parents will be pitied, and we’ll just be their immature, rebellious children.”
“That could work.” Sean winked. “We’ll decide for sure when you get back.”
“If I come back. I may get to America and decide I’m never coming back here again. Save us both some trouble,” I teased.
I haven’t spoken to Sean since that day in late February. Mother and I have been so busy preparing for our trip to America, there simply hasn’t been time. I think we’ve packed our entire house just to ensure we have everything we’ll need while we’re away.
The trip across the Atlantic Ocean is expected to take about twenty-five days. I’m not sure how I’ll cope with being out at sea for that long, but I can’t wait to get to New York.
Our ship leaves within the hour!
* * *
May 1790
We’ve been in America for a month now, and I absolutely love it here. The thrill of exploring a new land aside, I didn’t expect to feel so at home. Though the culture and the city are much different from London proper, New York is a relatively new and thriving city that has a contagious vibrancy.
Father and Mother have met many new friends and forged new relationships in their business dealings. One of those new people is actually both a friend and business partner. His name is Ramses Barnett, and he is positively handsome. I’ve developed a major crush on him that’s becoming increasingly harder to hide.
He’s mature and experienced far past his youthful age of twenty-six years. He and my father met almost instantly when we arrived. Ramses is in the banking business, a profession handed down from generation upon generation of Barnett men. He is working with my father on establishing contracts for our shipping business out of the local ports.
The first time he visited our new home, I almost embarrassed myself because I couldn’t stop staring at him. He has thick, wavy brown hair, dark chocolate eyes, and gorgeous full lips. He’s much taller than I am, and he’s so very strong. He helped Mother move several boxes and a huge trunk without the least bit of strain.
I’ve noticed him watching me when he doesn’t think I’m looking. But I can see him out of the corner of my eye. The way he looks at me, the gle
am in his eye, touches me like a physical presence. His desire is palpable and causes a stirring low in my belly. The feeling is so strange and unusual, yet welcome and wanted. It warms me from the inside out to think he is romantically interested in me. Honestly, after not being desired by Sean, it feels good to have a handsome man pay a little attention to me. Not that I think Sean’s disinterest was my fault, or that it was a slight against me. I guess I just look at it differently for girls than for boys—it feels a lot like rejection at times.
Tonight, several of Father’s business associates were at our house. While they mingled, smoked cigars, and nursed their tumblers of bourbon, I withdrew to my favorite room in the house, the library. The books keep me company, the stories take me on adventures, and the characters are my friends. The door slid open, and there he stood, larger than life and striking in his suit. Though he fit the part of a banker perfectly, he had a wild glint in his eyes as they flicked around the room before settling on mine.
He quickly relaxed his expression before speaking. “I’m sorry if I startled you. I didn’t know you were in here.”
“It’s no problem at all. Do you need the room for a meeting or anything?” I stood, preparing to take my book with me to my bedroom.
“No, nothing like that. In truth, I was looking for you, but I wasn’t sure what to say when I found you.” In contrast to the confident air he projected, he looked almost shy after his confession.
“You were looking for me?”
He nodded.
“Is there something you need? Something I can get you?” We have house servants to attend to his every need, but it was the only excuse I could think of on the spot. I secretly wanted to give him the chance to confess his undying love for me…or at least his interest in getting to know me better.
He shook his head. “I obviously didn’t think this through to completion. My intentions are simply to have a moment alone to talk with you. Do you mind if I sit with you in here for a moment or two?”
“Not at all.” Somehow I managed to answer him without making a complete fool of myself.
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