Deal Breaker

by Whitney D.

  I chewed the inside of my cheek as I finally lifted my head to open my eyes.

  He was standing right in front of me, still as gorgeous as the day I last saw him. His face had changed a bit - his jaw now covered in light a stubble, a new quarter-inch scar positioned above his left eyebrow. My first reaction was to run my hand along his cheek, to feel that he was really there and that I wasn't dreaming, but then I realized how totally inappropriate that would be.

  He didn't say anything right away, but instead he moved closer to me, my eyes following each tiny movement he made. My expression pleaded with him for only a second before he wrapped his muscular arms around me and pulled my body into his.

  Nuzzling his nose into my hair, I listened to him inhale my scent. I didn't want to let go of him, but I knew I needed to put some serious space between us.

  “Sebastian....”

  Releasing me from his embrace, he simply said, “Sorry.”

  The tone of his voice had me thinking that his sorry had many meanings.

  As we stood there in silence, the entire world blurred and the ground shifted beneath our feet.

  “Want to grab some coffee?”

  I pursed my lips as I thought about whether or not I should do this or if I should just simply walk away and never look back.

  In the end, I gave in because I wasn't ready to let go of him again.

  “I'd like that.”

  “We can take my car? I can drop you off here later...”

  I didn't think, I just said, “Alright.”

  Placing his hand in the small of my back, he guided me to his car. A million broken memories came flooding back as he opened the door for me, and I slid inside the exact same beat up old blue Ford Bronco that he'd had when we were dating.

  I leaned over to unlock the driver's side door, and when he got in he smiled at me, “Just like old times, huh?”

  Nodding, I smiled back before turning to the right and looking out the window as he backed the car out.

  We drove in silence for about ten minutes when he finally broke the tension, “Who's the lucky guy?”

  “What?” I eyed him curiously.

  He pointed at my wedding band without further explanation.

  “Matthew Troyer. He's an English Lit professor at the college.”

  “Lucky fuck,” he mumbled as his eyes shifted back to the road.

  I half smiled because if Sebastian only knew how Matt and I were grasping at threads to hold our marriage together, he probably would’ve thought otherwise.

  I looked at his left hand that was firmly grasping at twelve o'clock on the steering wheel and was surprised to notice that his ring finger was bare.

  “So.... Cassidy Johnson?”

  “What about her?”

  “She's your wife?”

  “Soon to be ex-wife.”

  “Oh?”

  “Yeah. I've already filed the papers. We've been separated since last spring.”

  “Oh!” my response came out with a bit too much enthusiasm. I should've told him how sorry I was about the demise of his marriage, but I just didn't have it in me.

  “Maybe we should talk about something else...” I finally said.

  “So you're a nurse? That's awesome. It doesn't surprise me. I bet you're amazing at it.”

  I blushed as he praised me.

  “And what do you do?”

  When my eyes settled on him, he looked over briefly before winking at me out of the corner of his eye.

  “I own The Shriner.”

  “No way... really?”

  He stifled a laugh, “Yes.”

  “How did that happen?”

  We pulled into a little mom and pop diner on the outskirts of town. I hadn't been to The Shriner since Sebastian and I had dated. It made me a bit nauseous when I realized that he'd been right there, within reach this entire time.

  “Don't move,” Sebastian placed the car in park, turning off the ignition, and exiting the car. I watched as he rounded the front of the Bronco and came around to open the door for me. He had always been a total gentleman and it didn't surprise me one bit that he was still just as sweet.

  “Thank you.”

  Walking inside, Sebastian quickly told the hostess that we needed a table for two. Moments later, she led us to a worn-in booth next to the windows that ran the entire length of the front of the building. I slid in quickly as the hostess laid our menus in front of us.

  I folded my hands in my lap and looked around, trying desperately not to make eye contact with Sebastian. Approaching from behind me, a waitress asked what we would like to order and Sebastian quickly told her just a couple of coffees before she retreated back to the kitchen.

  “So.....”

  Looking up, my eyes fastened on to his. They were the exact same beautiful shade of green I had always remembered and I felt my pulse quicken as I reacted to his stare.

  “How long have you been married?”

  Man, he sure didn't beat around the bush - he got right down to business.

  “Four years.”

  I battled the urge to tell him we weren't even living together, although we weren't officially separated either. In the end, I decided against telling him because it was really none of his business.

  “Do you have any kids?”

  Here goes, I thought. The big fat reason that Matthew and I were headed for the big D was because it was my fault we couldn't have a baby and every passing day he blamed me more and more for it.

  “No.”

  “I've always wanted kids, but Cass told me early on she had no desire to be a mother. I guess it was a stupid move to marry someone knowing they didn't want the same thing I did...”

  “Is that why you're divorcing?”

  As soon as the question left my lips, I regretted asking it.

  “Sorry. That's none of my business...”

  “Actually... I don't mind talking about the downfall of my marriage, but I'm sure you really don't want to hear about it.”

  “How'd you end up with Cassidy Johnson anyways?”

  “Well she certainly wasn't my first choice,” he left his response open-ended and cocked an insinuating brow at me.

  “One too many parties, I guess. Although her drinking got completely out of hand, which you know... so....”

  I didn't say anything, but I looked at him curiously because I wasn't really sure what he was getting at.

  “She's an alcoholic, Em.”

  “Oh. I'm sorry. I had no idea. That's terrible. I'm sorry you've had to deal with that... I can't even imagine what that must be like.”

  “It wasn't always as bad as it is now. One drink a night turned into three which then turned into a bottle or more. She would start drinking at noon and would only stop when she was too wasted to bring the bottle to her lips again or I'd find her on the bathroom floor when I'd get home from work, laid out flat with her face amid a pile of vomit. It just spiraled out of control. She won't get help. She doesn't think she has a problem...”

  “Wow. That...”

  Stopping me mid-sentence, the waitress plopped our two steaming hot mugs of coffee down and asked if we needed anything else. We both shook our heads no.

  “Matt and I are separated,” it flew out of mouth with no filter.

  Looking up from his mug, he seemed a little surprised at my confession.

  “I don't know what is going to happen, but... anyway.”

  I reached for the sugar shaker to slice through the awkwardness, but when Sebastian reached for it too, his fingers grazed mine. Snatching my hand back quickly, I looked around the room nervously.

  “Emery. I know you still feel it because I feel it too.”

  Looking out the window, I noticed that it had started to rain and as each drop of water touched the glass, it rolled down it slowly.

  “Emery...”

  I felt my eyes begin to well with tears.

  “I'm sorry Sebastian... I... I can't do this. I have to go.”

 
Scooting myself from the booth as quickly as I could, I grabbed my purse and bolted for the door. The rain was coming down in sheets and I made it about halfway across the parking lot before he came after me.

  “Emery... stop!”

  His hand grasped my wrist from behind me tugging me back in his direction as he turned me to face him.

  He held my hands in his and blankly stared at me.

  “Tell me. Just tell me you don't still feel it and I will walk away!”

  Tears fell from my eyes, but they were masked by the rain as it continued to fall, soaking us to the bone.

  “I've loved you since I was fifteen years old, Sebastian.... nothing has changed that,” my voice cracked as I professed my feelings for him.

  Surprisingly, I didn't feel bad for telling him that I loved him and Matthew never once crossed my mind when I admitted it.

  His lips crashed into mine before I could get another word out. His large hands took to either side of my face as his tongue darted out from between his parted lips in search of mine.

  My knees buckled and my whole body trembled in response to him. When reality sunk in, I pressed my hands against his hard chest and pushed away.

  “Sebastian... I can't.”

  “Please Emery.... just take a chance with me.”

  11

  My tears turned to sobs as our past flashed before my eyes... all of those happy feelings, private moments, and firsts I'd shared with him came rushing back again. My feeling for him hadn't changed.

  Burying my face into the palms of my hands, he did what I would've expected he'd do... he hugged me.

  The rain turned frigid as we stood there in the dark, the pelting of it coming down harder now than before and I shivered as a chill took up space deep in my bones.

  Feeling me shake, Sebastian finally said, “Let's get you warmed up...”

  Looking up and into Sebastian's desperate eyes, I simply nodded. He whisked me back to his car, letting me in before he got into the driver's side.

  The engine roared to life as he cranked it before he reached forward turning the heat up full-blast.

  My teeth chattered together in the moments before I felt the gust of warmth from the vents greet me.

  “You want me to take you back to your car?”

  I thought about my response long and hard and the potential consequences of saying anything other than yes...

  “No.”

  “Where do you want me to take you?”

  “How about your place?”

  The look on his face was a concoction of shock, nerves, and excitement. He raised an eyebrow as he put the car in reverse, but he didn't say another word.

  I wasn't really sure what my intentions were or what would happen when we got there, but I didn't want to go home to an empty house.

  The ride to Sebastian's was filled with silence that was so thick I could've cut it with a dull blade.

  We didn't pull into a neighborhood as I would've expected, instead he drove to the further out of town, eventually turning down a dirt road that led to a large two-story white house.

  The house was all I could see for miles. It was picture perfect, complete with a wrap-around front porch adorned with wicker rockers and a bright red front door. Helping myself out of the car before Sebastian could get to my door, I noticed a few fireflies zipping about.

  “Are those...?”

  “Yeah, I'm surprised that the cold hasn't scared them off yet.”

  It took every bit of self control I had not to look Sebastian in the eyes. Luckily it was pretty dark outside and he didn't seem to notice my awkward lack of eye contact.

  The rain had ended and although I was no longer freezing, my clothes were dripping wet and I could feel water sloshing around inside of my sneakers.

  “Let me get you some dry clothes.”

  Sebastian, turned before making his way up the front steps, and opening the door for me. I thought it was strange that the door had been left unlocked, but I assumed that being all the way out in the middle of nowhere meant that the possibility of someone breaking into his house was minute.

  The house was dark, but as he made his way in behind me, he flipped a switch near the door and the foyer lights came alive. I looked to him as the hallways that led to the left and right, and a huge wooden staircase that led to the second floor were suddenly illuminated with a faint white glow.

  “Give me just a sec. I'll be right back and then I I'll give you a proper tour,” I could hear the excitement in his voice.

  “Alright.”

  He took the stairs two at a time as he grasped the thick banister while he ascended to the second floor.

  His footsteps were loud when he reached the top before he disappeared out of sight.

  Folding my hands in front of me, I bit at the dried skin on my bottom lip as I finally begin to realize the possible repercussions of being here - in Sebastian's home... alone with him. Shit. I immediately realized that I should have never come here, but maybe we could just be friends. I wasn't sure if it was even possible, but I didn't want to let go of him just yet. Frankly, I never wanted to let go of him ever again...

  Sebastian returned a few minutes later.

  “Here,” he extended his hand that was holding a pile of perfectly folded clothing.

  I looked at him, cocking an eyebrow curiously.

  “Em, you're soaking wet. Take them.”

  I reached forward, fetching the clothes from him in defeat.

  “Come on,” he whispered as he turned and walked down the hall to the left.

  We stopped at the second door, and he reached inside before flipping the light on.

  “You can change in here. Tea?”

  I smiled, “Yes, I'd love that. Thank you.”

  As soon as he was gone, I turned my back to the doorway and peeled my scrubs off. I didn't shut the door, knowing that I'd have warm dry clothes covering me in an instant.

  “I've got Earl Grey anddd...” Sebastian stopped. As he stood statuesque in the door way, he admired every inch of my skin on display. I looked over my shoulder before I pulled the dry clothes to cover my bare chest.

  My skin instantly pricked with goosebumps at his presence as I listened to him gasp for air.

  “Sorry,” was the only thing he said as he reached forward to the knob tugging it forward to close the door.

  Before the door had a chance to shut completely, I turned, placing my hand against the door frame, preventing it from closing.

  “Don't be.”

  I pressed my hand against the edge of the door, reopening it. In that very moment, I finally made eye contact with him and I wasn't exactly sure what came over me, but I dropped the shirt to the floor in reaction to him.

  The look in Sebastian's eyes gave me the feeling that he was about to lose the last bit of self control he had been holding on to. Pulling my bottom lip between my teeth, I felt the cool air as it greeted my nipples hardening them immediately in reaction.

  He struggled not to look at my tits, but I knew he wanted to. It felt like a solid five minutes that we just stood there, both of us battling the forbidden urge to touch each other.

  Then his eyes focused on my necklace. A tiny white gold chain that held the last piece of Sebastian I had held on to for all these years. Attached to it was the diamond ring he gave me for my sixteenth birthday. His eyes watered when he first noticed it.

  “Please Emery....”

  “Yes.”

  He dropped to his knees in front of me, his lips brushed against the skin of my stomach briefly before he pressed his lips against the skin near my belly button.

  I closed my eyes and let my head fall back as he left a tiny trail of kisses along my midsection. I ran my fingers through his damp unruly hair as a moan escaped my lips.

  He pulled away a few moments later, but I could feel his warm breath as he inhaled and exhaled close to my skin.

  “Emery...”

  “Sebastian.”

  “No... Emery
...”

  It was a question - he wanted me to tell him it was okay.

  It wasn't okay. Nothing about what was happening was okay. But I didn't want to tell him no. I wanted him to fuck me right there on the hard wood floor in the middle of the night in the most romantic home I had ever laid eyes on. The moment was utter perfection and I knew that telling him to stop would end with me crying, him driving me home in silence, and me never ever seeing him again.

  When I didn't respond, he stood and looked through me... his eyes void of any emotion.

  “I'm not going to let you do something that you're going to regret... I shouldn't have taken advantage of the situation. I'm sorry, it won't happen again. Get dressed.”

  He didn't wait for me to bite back, instead he shut the door and left. Pressing my back against the wall across from the sink, I slid down it slowly before planting my forehead against my knees.

  Sex with Matt had been nothing but work. I couldn't even remember the last time he'd fucked me and it had been anything other than him thrusting a few times and filling me with his come, before he got off of me and hopped into the shower. The sex wasn't loving, it wasn't passionate, it didn't make my toes curl, and it certainly didn't involve me coming. He never went down on me, he wasn't aggressive like I craved, he didn't finger me, he never fucked me in the ass, or let me go down on him.

  Even though we'd started the IVF, our sex life still consisted of him trying to breed me. I was nothing but a vessel to him. Our sex life was boring to say the least. Although, it hadn't always been like that - I often wondered if Matt was going through a mid-life crisis which was something I could not relate to.

  When we first got together, the sex was hot.... he literally feasted on me as he went down on me making me come over and over and over again. His main goal in our relationship was to make me come. He was aggressive as he fucked me, plowing into my ass, as he rubbed my clit with delicious pressure, setting every single one of my nerves on fire. I begged him to spank me, tie me up, fuck me, use me, make me feel like a dirty whore... and he did. He treated me like a whore for a solid year and... I loved it.

  Early on we'd stay up all night fucking. Because of his age, his stamina in the sack shocked me, but I grew accustomed to it eventually. He liked our secret life in the bedroom and I fed on the thrill of what he did to me and the way he treated me during sex.