This Dom
Devlin Black book 3
Alaska Angelini
This Dom
Devlin Black book 3
Alaska Angelini
Copyright © 2014 by Alaska Angelini
ISBN: 9781938076404
All Rights Reserved
All characters and events in this book are fictitious. Any resemblance to persons living or dead is strictly coincidental. The scanning, uploading and distribution of this book via the Internet or any other means without the permission of the publisher is illegal, and is punishable by law. Please purchase only authorized electronic editions, and do not participate in or encourage the electronic piracy of copyrighted materials. Your support of the author’s rights is appreciated.
Chapter 1
Devlin
Loss had the power to destroy even the strongest of men and women. I’d had my fair share throughout life. My infant brother when I was eight. My mother a few years later. Then, my father. The grief I’d endured throughout my years was vast. With each piece of myself I lost, the emptiness left behind pulled me even deeper into a place I wasn’t sure I would ever be able to crawl out of. Yet, I’d somehow done it.
But even throughout all that had happened in my thirty-five years, nothing hurt as much as knowing I was going to lose my own child. With each torturous second that ticked by, time was stealing what I had created with the person I loved. Agony shredded my heart, tearing it into a million pieces. And it was all because of me. Because of what I’d done.
So clearly, I could still see the expression on Victoria’s face as Justine held the phone out to her. I knew what was on the screen. Knew…because I’d put all those welts and bruises on Justine’s body. Been sent those graphic pictures almost every day since I’d strapped her to the St. Andrew’s cross and marked her up with every BDSM tool imaginable.
Victoria and I hadn’t been together then. But it was the timing and lying by omission that had been my damnation. I should have told her.
Not two hours after I had Dommed Justine, my guilt had driven me to Victoria. I’d gone to her bed practically begging her to use me. Then, I had only hoped she loved me. I didn’t know that her lack of trust in believing that I had actually changed was the only thing keeping her from committing and allowing us to have a wonderful life together. But when I’d learned I had a child with her and she’d been willing to try to become a family, I hid my actions concerning Justine, weaving a secret so full of consequences; our second baby wasn’t going to make it.
Her reaction from trying to get away from what she’d seen on that small screen was still fresh in my mind. The nausea I felt when she fell and landed on the driveway still lingered even hours later.
There was nothing I could do. Nothing anyone could do, but wait. Time. It had more power than anything in the world. More so than money. Or life. Because time never ran out. Never stopped. The damn thing kept going, killing everything its path. I hated it. Hated that there was nothing I could do but let the death of my child drag out for who knew how long.
Maybe I deserved this torment. Should have suffered because of the slip I had made back into my old ways, but not her. Never her. She had already experienced the consequences of her deliberate withholding from me; it wasn’t fair for her to endure any more pain. For two years, she’d witnessed me drunk and grossly inappropriate with countless women. Doing things in public that no one should have seen. Especially her. It was no wonder she’d hidden Ava’s identity from me. I wasn’t excusing her behavior. We both knew what she’d stolen from me. But after all that, here we were again. Her hurting, because of something I did. This time, though, I was feeling the effects just as much.
“I want you to leave.”
The sob that followed sliced into my skin. I looked up from the chair that rested next to the bed to see her back through the hospital gown. She wouldn’t look at me; couldn’t bear that I was anywhere near her.
One week. That’s all I’d been given of her professed love. One measly fucking week. It was all I had wanted since I’d met her and it took me that long to bring it crashing to the Goddamn ground. Fuck, I should have just confessed from the beginning.
“I already told you, I’m not going anywhere. You’re carrying my child. I want to be here.” My voice was just as weak as I felt. I was nothing more than a crumbling mess on the inside and all I wanted to do was hold her. To break down for the first time in my life with her in my arms. I was sorry. So fucking sorry for what I caused. But there was no point in telling her that. I already had; a million times since I’d seen the blood denoting her miscarriage. At first, I was in shock, not sure what it meant. But then I remembered her fall and almost died in that same moment. Shit, maybe I had. Maybe this was hell for me. To live a life without the only ones I loved. To spend the rest of my years alone.
“What do you think this means, Devlin? I’m losing the baby. I’m losing it and it’s all your fault!”
Her words replayed in my head like a broken record. All my fault. Yes. Yes, it was.
“Please,” she sobbed again. “I don’t want you here. You don’t deserve to be here!” she yelled, turning to face me. “Get out of my room!”
The heart monitor echoed against the walls, racing to the rapid cadence of her heart. My head lowered, tears stinging my eyes like someone was holding a fucking match to them. One tear crashed to the floor. Then another. I stared down, actually surprised that they’d fallen. First damn ones I’d shed in as long as I could remember.
A gasp had me looking up and she held to her stomach as she rolled to her side, away from me. I was immediately to my feet, helpless to know how to soothe someone who didn’t want me in their presence.
“Should I get the nurse?” My hand reached for her shoulder, but stopped. Her crying got louder and I fought to climb on the bed, wrap my arms around her, and hold on for dear life.
“Devlin.” The call wasn’t angry. More like a plea. One that I couldn’t ignore. If she still wanted me, there was no way I was going to let her grief overshadow that. We needed each other. Needed to endure this loss together.
The bed creaked beneath my weight and she turned, staring up at me, caution flashing over her features for just the smallest fraction of a second as I moved up beside her. The need to tell her I was sorry again was on the tip of my tongue, but I held it in, knowing it would only make things worse. My head lowered to the pillow and my arm lifted, waiting, just like the last time we were in a hospital bed. The day we found out she was having my second child.
Another tear slid over the bridge of my nose while I waited for her to reject my comfort. There was nothing I could do to stop the flow that had started. The floodgates had been opened the moment my lie had shredded my heart. Now all the love I’d been given was streaming down my face, seeking refuge outside of the monster it was trapped inside of. I was losing what I had gained. Victoria’s love. Ava’s love. After this, I’d be kicked out and be sent back to my penthouse. Alone. No wife. No children. Not living with me, anyway. I wasn’t heartless enough to really take Ava away from Victoria. Not that I even deserved her now.
“Please,” I whispered.
There it was. Anger. What looked to be resentment. Then…she flew into my chest, clinging to the front of my black T-shirt with strength I didn’t even know she still possessed.
“How could you?” she sobbed. “How could you lie to me? Make me believe that you had changed when you really hadn’t?” Her nails sunk into my pecs, stabbing through my skin. My jaw clenched, but I didn’t pull away. Didn’t break from the pain she was putting me through. Instead, I held her closer, pressing my hand into the middle of her back, desperate for any touch she was willing to give me.
“I love you. God, I do.”
&nbs
p; “You lie,” she cried harder. “If you loved me, you wouldn’t have Dommed her. You wouldn’t have given her what should have only been special for me. Meet her? Yes. Take her on a date? Fine. But Dom her?” Her voice cracked at the end and she pushed her palms against my chest, trying to get me to leave her bed.
I wouldn’t. Truthfully, I couldn’t.
“I didn’t know how you felt, kitten. I was a fool pining over a woman who didn’t want me. Can’t you see? I was angry and jealous about Daniel coming for dinner. And the way he kept goading me. It was stupid and wrong, I’ll be the first to admit that. I should have told you. I shouldn’t have done it.”
“No, you shouldn’t have.” She sniffled, but the sobs continued to come. For minutes, we stayed quiet while I held her, praying for the miracle of a lifetime. It wasn’t until the door opened that we both moved.
Dr. Olson, the doctor on call, walked in, a clipboard in his hand.
“How are you feeling, Victoria?”
She turned to her back, breaking our connection. “The cramps are still there. Not as often, but sometimes they can be intense.”
He nodded, placing his clipboard on the table by the bed. “If you can just lie back, I want to check you real quick, then I’ll go over your sonogram results.”
I stood, not sure exactly what he meant by check. It didn’t take me long to find out. Her legs bent at the knee and he put on gloves before pulling the cover down. I fought whether I should be angry or not. I’d read how things were done, but no one had been in my territory for years. I didn’t like it.
“Okay,” his arm adjusted as his fingers presumably checked her cervix. Victoria flinched and gripped the sheet. I took a step forward, hating that he was putting her in more pain. My hand itched to snatch him up so I could drive my fist into his face. No one hurt her. Well…no one but me.
A deep exhale escaped as I pulled myself together. Just as fast, he drew his hand back and threw the gloves in the trash, walking over and washing his hands.
“It’s as I suspected. You’re not dilated at all, the membranes are intact, and the sonogram shows a healthy baby, heartbeat and all. What you’re experiencing is nothing more than vaginal bleeding. It’s quite common in early pregnancy. The pain you’re feeling is probably just the baby burrowing deeper into the lining of your uterus. That can also cause bleeding.”
“Wait.” My legs hit the bed as I moved closer. “So, the baby’s going to live?” His words weren’t making sense. I heard him, but I couldn’t wrap my mind around it. I’d seen the blood. Seen her in pain. She’d fallen, hard, right on her ass.
“Correct, Mr. Black.”
I sank to the edge of the mattress, not able to stand past the adrenaline crash that left me spinning.
“I want you to follow up with your doctor, but in the meantime, you’re strictly on bed rest. If the pain or bleeding increases, come back. If you’d like, we can keep you overnight for observation, but I don’t think that’s necessary. Otherwise, you’re free to go.”
“Thank you,” she said, lowly. “I think I’d be more comfortable at home.”
“I’ll let the nurse know so she can unhook your IV.”
His words barely registered as I stared toward the window in a daze. Our baby was okay. We weren’t going to lose it. Hope, something I’d lost from the moment she’d passed out in my arms, surged. We weren’t finished. I could fix this. I had to fix my mistake.
Sniffling had me turning around and reaching for her hands. They were instantly pulled from my reach.
“This doesn’t change anything, Devlin.”
The aching returned, but I pushed it away. Right now, I had to focus on her and try to right my wrong before too much time passed. “This changes more than you know.” And it did. What could have been me never having a reason to see her except to pick up Ava, now turned into nine months together. I might have fucked up using my tendencies with Justine—for all the wrong reasons—but they were going to come in handy now. Victoria was my woman, carrying my child, and Ava was my daughter. It was time this Dom stepped up and took charge again.
“I plan to be there for everything, Victoria. Doctor’s appointments, sonograms, baby classes. You owe me after Ava. Plus, with you on bed rest, you’re going to need me there to watch her. You really don’t want me to take her to my place, do you?”
“I’ll call my mother. She’ll come back. She’ll help me.”
My head shook and I pinned her with my stare. The one that always had her breaking eye contact. “And I will tell her I have it taken care of.” I knew I was pushing it, but it was the only card I had left to play. The only chance I had to convince her that what I had told her from the beginning was the truth. I loved her. I wanted us to be a family. And I was ready to do everything in my power to prove it.
Chapter 2
Victoria
“But, Mom.” My voice sounded pathetic, even to me. Twenty straight minutes of begging and she wouldn’t budge. I knew from the moment I called what the verdict would be, but I couldn’t help but try. I was panicked, anxiety-ridden with the thought of Devlin staying alone with me in the house. I didn’t trust myself not to forgive him. He was my weakness and I’d have been a fool to deny it.
“Don’t ‘but, Mom’ me. Devlin is more than capable of taking care of Ava while you’re in bed. This misunderstanding you’re both going through will pass. You’ll see.”
“No, it won’t. This wasn’t a mere misunderstanding. It’s not like I told him to pick up peanut butter and he brought me jelly. He was with another woman. I’ve explained this to you.”
“And you also said that it was before the two of you actually got together. Honey, you couldn’t have expected him to know how you felt about him. You’ve been running from that man since the day you discovered you were pregnant with Ava. It’s time to pull the emergency brake. He loves you. He told me that himself. Told me for damn near two hours how much he wanted to fix things. He knows he messed up by not telling you. You’re both wrong and right. He should have been honest with you, but it’s over with now. Step up and work this out. Stop pushing him away.”
Damn, I hated how she always made sense. Didn’t she see that this was a pattern, though? One he was liable to repeat?
I sighed. There was no point in arguing a moment longer. She wasn’t coming back to care for Ava and I was forced to have Devlin remain in my house until I was released from bed rest.
“Now, get some sleep. You’ve had a hard day.”
“I will. I love you, Mom.”
She laughed. “Cheer up. I’m right. And I love you more. Remember that.”
“Always, but I love you more. Night.”
“Goodnight, Victoria.”
The phone fell from my hand and I rolled from my back to my side, coming face to face with where Devlin used to sleep. The body wash he used matched his cologne and I could smell the spicy fragrance. It taunted me. Made me even angrier that I loved him so much. The scent had always been an aphrodisiac. Just a mere trace of it and I was ready to bow at his feet. Literally.
My arm reached forward and my fingers hovered over the area. It took all I had to lower them to the sheet, level with where his chest would have been. Where I would have been had he not hurt me.
A knock had me pulling back, guiltily. The door opened and I didn’t move. I knew who it was.
“I brought you something to eat.”
Ava calling out had me pushing myself up to a sitting position. I may have wanted to ignore him, but it was dinnertime and I had barely seen her all day. Lorraine was my saving grace at the hospital, keeping Ava while Devlin stayed with me.
The tray was lowered and the smell of chicken made my mouth water. Not in a good way. My hand shot out, halting his progression. I threw the covers back, racing for the restroom. That was twice today. Usually it was more often, but I thought I was getting lucky.
My throat burned as I continued to empty my stomach. Only when I flushed and turned to brush my te
eth did I see Devlin at the door. The sad look on his face had me breaking our eye contact. He’d usually come over and hold my hair or rub my back while I was sick. I had hated it then, just wanting privacy to be sick on my own. But now, it was different knowing what could have been and what couldn’t be anymore.
I ignored his presence to the best of my ability as I tried not to get ill again from the feel of the bristles. It didn’t work. I was met with him the moment I turned around to go back to bed.
“Victoria…”
My head shook as I attempted to walk around him. His hand came out, brushing down the length of my arm, but he didn’t hold on or try to stop me. The soft touch stirred my emotions. I tried to keep them at bay as I crawled back under the covers. Ava walked over, standing at the side of the bed with her arms up. The pink dress she wore rose on her chubby thighs as she reached higher. I leaned to the side, ready to lift her, but Devlin picked her up from behind, placing her in his lap as he sat on the edge. With gentle strokes, he ran his fingers through her dark ringlets. Pausing, he nudged the tray in my direction.
“Please try to eat something.”
I grabbed the water beside the bed and took a sip. Food would help, regardless if I wanted it or not.
“Thank you. You didn’t have to make me anything.” Well, he did if I was going to stay in bed. I couldn’t stand it. I’d never let anyone take care of me like this. I barely let my mom help out if I was at all capable. It didn’t feel right being vulnerable to a man who tore my heart out and kept it.
As I cut into the chicken, I tried to smile at Ava. She was already starting to roll in his arms, growing fussy. It was her bedtime, which meant Devlin would be occupied with bathing and reading to her before she fell asleep. He loved the reading part as much as she did. It only added to the sadness I felt when I thought about how it had to end.
I took a bite, my eyebrows drawing in as I chewed.
“You okay?”
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