by Erin Trejo
“Take her to her room, Ryder. I got little man,” my dad says. I nod my head and set my bottle on the table before moving in. He lifts Joey and heads off as I lift Jenny’s limp body in my arms. Just as I’m heading toward the stairs, Xena walks out.
“What rooms hers?” I ask. Xena motions for me to follow and leads me up the steps and down the hall. Pushing the door open, she goes in and pulls the blankets back. I lay Jenny down in the bed, pulling the blanket up over her when a picture catches my attention. Walking over, I pick it up off the dresser. It’s a picture of me and Jack when we were younger.
“He talked about you a lot,” Xena says. I glance over at her and nod.
“I should have been a better brother,” I admit but to who? Her or myself?
“It’s not your fault.” She’s goddamn right it’s not. I set the picture down on the dresser and turn, leaning down into her space.
“I know that. It’s yours.” Her mouth falls open but I brush past her, bumping her shoulder on the way as I stalk out of my brother’s room. I’m down the stairs and out the door before I can stop to think about what I just said. Storming into the tree’s I roar loudly. No words. Just anger and regret. Everything that I’ve fucked up over the years. I let it all out until I slam my fist into the tree.
“Why the fuck didn’t you call me? Huh? I would have helped you, Jack! You had Pop callin’ but never you! I didn’t know it was this bad! Fuck!” I scream into the nothingness of the dark night. Dropping to my knees, I suck in the much needed air.
“He loved you, son. He didn’t know how to ask for help.”
“Doesn’t matter, Pop. I should have been here. I’m his goddamn brother!”
“You couldn’t have stopped it, Ryder.”
“No, maybe not but I’m gonna find the motherfuckers that did this to him. That much I can promise.” My dad drops to the ground next to me, slapping a hand on my shoulder. I glance over and he offers me the bottle of vodka. I take it and down a bunch before passing it back.
“You ever find what you were looking for out there?” he asks. I sit back on my ass and look up at the stars.
“I don’t even know what I was lookin’ for, Pop.” He chuckles.
“You’ll know when you find it. I’m glad you’re back, Ryder even if it isn’t for long. Missed having you around.”
“I missed you too, Pop.” He takes another pull from the bottle and passes it back to me.
“You think he ever forgave me?”
“What for?” I ask.
“Not being there enough. Not giving him what he needed. He went to those drugs for help, not me.” Fuck, I didn’t know he felt that way. I reach over and put my arm around his shoulder. I’ve failed. I’ve failed my whole family, not just my brother.
“You were there. Those drugs, those people are what pulled him under. He was so fuckin’ addicted to that shit he couldn’t see straight. Had nothin’ to do with you. Neither of us headin’ in the directions we did had anything to do with you. We were just lost and tryin’ to find our own ways.” We sit in silence for a long time before he finally speaks.
“I love you, Ryder.”
“Love you too, Pop.”
34
Xena
“He looks pissed,” Jenny says as we watch Ryder out the front window.
“He’s looked pissed since he got here,” I remind her. I reach for my jacket and pull it on as we watch Ryder pacing out front. He’s been here a few days but he sleeps outside. It’s strange, yet comforting knowing that I can get a full night’s sleep without worrying about someone coming in. It also pisses me off that it’s because of him.
“Why won’t he sleep inside?” Jenny asks as she fixes her hair. She looks like hell. I can’t even imagine what she must be feeling inside.
“I have no idea.” I head toward the door and as soon as I step outside I see Joey staring up at Ryder like he’s a mirage. I take a step back and wait to see how it plays out.
“My daddy died.”
“I know.”
“That means he isn’t coming back,” Joey says nearly breaking my heart in two. I cover my mouth to hold in the sob. Ryder nods before kneeling down in front of him. He reaches out and runs his hand through Joey’s hair as Joey blinks those big eyes up at him.
“You won’t be able to see him, no, but your daddy is still here. He’s in your heart, bud. No one can take him outta there,” Ryder says and my heart nearly shatters. The sob I was trying to hold in explodes out of me. Tears stream down my cheeks as they both turn to look at me. Ryder stands up and Joey takes off running.
“I’m sorry,” I say softly trying to keep myself together. He moves toward me, opening his arms to me. I shouldn’t go to him but I do. I shouldn’t want him to hold me but here I am.
“That goes for you too,” he whispers into my hair. I sob harder. I don’t know how long we stand like this but it feels like forever when Jenny comes out of the house. She walks down the stairs just as I pull away from him.
“We should probably get going,” she says moving toward the car.
“I’ll drive,” Ryder says.
“I got it.” It’s my turn to speak. He looks over giving me a glare that says not to argue with him today and I don’t. I move to the back and climb in, buckling Carmon and Joey into their seats while Jenny climbs in up front. Ryder starts the car and pulls out as thoughts invade my mind.
“Where’s your boyfriend?” Ryder asks catching my gaze in the rear view mirror.
“He’s not her boyfriend, silly!” Joey laughs. Ryder raises an eyebrow challenging that. Asshole.
“He isn’t coming.” Pulling my gaze from his, I look out the window as the world keeps spinning. We might have lost something special in Jack but no one else knows that. We feel the ache deep down inside of us but they will never know the good that was in him.
The cemetery comes into view a lot faster than I’d like it to. I don’t know how prepared I am for this day. Even though I have thought about it, which is disgusting in itself, I knew this was inevitable. I knew at some point we were going to end up here and it hurts like hell. Ryder parks and we all climb out, Jenny taking the kids and heading that way but my eyes linger. They linger on the men across the parking lot. The one’s that shouldn’t be there.
“Who are they?” Ryder asks noticing where my attention is.
“I don’t know their names. Hell, I don’t even know all the truth but from what I’ve heard, they are some of the assholes that Jack had gotten involved in.” Ryder starts to move toward them when I grab his arm and pull him back. “Don’t do this here. Not today, Ryder.” His eyes come to meet mine and I see the solemn look in them. He nods once before resting his hand on my back, ushering me toward the others. It’s a strange feeling to have him here, touching me the way he is. We make our way over to Jenny and Ryder’s dad. He moves to take the seat next to him as I stay by my sister.
The preacher talks but I zone out. The rumors that I’d always hear were never good and if the random men showing up at our house were any indication of what he was into, then I don’t want to be involved. My eyes roam over the crowd, taking them all in. Some I know, others I don’t. Some were friends growing up, some I haven’t seen in years. It never ceases to amaze me how people can come together now. Where were they when Jack would come home so high that he couldn’t think straight? Or when he was so wasted he thought people were after him and Jenny and I had to lock him in the attack? The thought alone pisses me off. They show up for his death but not his life? Anger inches through my veins and the longer I think about these people the more I become angry.
“You gonna unclench those fists?” I don’t look up until I hear Ryder’s voice. Glancing down I see that my hands were truly clenched into fists. I slowly relax them and glance around seeing most everyone has gone. I shove out of my seat and stand, moving to look at the coffin one last time.
“I’m sorry, Jack. For what it’s worth, I really am.” My words mean nothing. T
hey fall on ears that will never hear me again.
“You didn’t do anything wrong.” Looking over my shoulder at Ryder, I shake my head.
“You weren’t here. You don’t know what I did and didn’t do.” Pressing a kiss to my fingers and then to the coffin, I turn and walk away from him. I’m in the car as tears slowly leak down my cheeks. Looking over at the kids, it breaks my heart that they won’t have their dad around as they grow up. I wish things were different. I wish things didn’t have to end this way. As soon as Ryder climbs in, I wipe my eyes. He looks over at Jenny and sighs before starting the car and pulling off leaving behind his own brother. That’s not something I ever thought I’d see. They may not have kept in contact they should have but their lives pulled them in different directions. Now it doesn’t matter.
35
Ryder
I would have thought I’d been out of here by now. One week I’ve been here. One week since I laid my brother to rest. Nothing eases that ache in my chest. The one that tells me I fucked up. I know I did and nothing anyone else can say will change that. I sit outside in front of the house with a bottle of vodka dangling from my fingertips. I’ve drank until I can’t see straight but there is still something nagging at the back of my mind. Who did this to him? The cops came by a few times talking to my dad and Jenny about things. They have no witnesses, no leads. He was just lying there, on the side of the fucking road like trash. Shaking my head, I take another long pull when I hear yelling from inside. Turning my head to look over my shoulder I see Xena stumbling down the steps with her own bottle in her hand.
“Shut the fuck up, Dawson! Don’t you have whores to fuck?” She slurs as she trips nearly falling on her face. Her bottle hits the ground, her knees colliding with the grass before she laughs and looks up. “Did you see that shit?” She asks me. I nod my head as I watch her grab her half spilt bottle and shove off the ground. She goes right back to her knees causing me to chuckle this time. Instead of trying for round three, she just walks on her knees the rest of the way over to me.
“You’re not doin’ so good holdin’ your liquor,” I nod at the bottle in her hand.
“Oh yes I am! I can take you, big man.” Each time she opens her mouth, slurs fall free. I shake my head, bring my own bottle to my lips and swallow.
“Your boyfriend not joinin’ you?” I ask through the haze in my head. I might be a little drunk too.
“He isn’t my boyfriend.” Those words send a jolt through me. Okay, maybe I’m a little past drunk if that made me feel good. I shouldn’t want to think of her that way. I shouldn’t give a shit who she’s with and if I’m being honest, I really don’t care.
“Sounds like he is,” I tell her.
“Does anyone care what you have to say?” She asks glancing over at me with hatred in her eyes. I smirk at her knowing damn good and well it will piss her off. And it does. “Go to hell, Ryder. Why are you still here?” That’s a damn good question. One that I’ve been asking myself for a week.
“I’m gonna find out what happened to Jack.” Her eyes widen when I look away from her. She moves now, kneeling in front of me, her bottle discarded and my face in her hands. Her eyes are glossy, unfocused as she stares at me.
“You can’t do that. You’ll be killed, Ryder. Tell me you won’t mess with those people.” The pleading in her tone sparks something else inside of me. I want to reach out and hold her, tell her that I won’t be hurt but I don’t know who I’m up against. Frankly it doesn’t matter either. They took a life, not just any life either. They took my brother. A son. A father. A husband. They took something that wasn’t theirs to take and now I’m going to make them pay for it.
“I can’t wait on the cops to do it, Xena. They are worthless in this shit town and you know it.” Her tongue sneaks out, wetting her lips as my eyes follow.
“Those guys are scary.”
“How do you know?” She looks away, letting her hands fall as she does. When she starts to move back, I grab her shoulders and hold her in place. “How do you know that?” I ask my tone turning harsher. She snaps those big eyes back around to lock on mine and I can see it. She knows more than she’s telling me.
“A few have come by here before,” she says under her breath. What the hell would they come here for? I’m about to ask when she slips back, falling onto her ass effectively breaking the hold I had on her so I just watch as she sits there. “I never wanted to hurt you, you know?” I close my eyes not wanting to deal with this shit tonight. I don’t want the apologies that I’m sure will follow. I don’t want to live in the past anymore.
“Doesn’t matter. It’s all over, yeah?” She looks up at me almost expectantly. I don’t know what she was waiting to hear but clearly that wasn’t it.
“I said things, bad things. I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t want you to look at me like I was weak,” she cries. Tears stream down her cheeks like fountains. I want to wipe them away but I can’t. Instead, I watch her cry until she’s hoarse and her eyes flutter. She lies down on the grass and sobs.
“Why are you doin’ this now?” She sniffles.
“I watched so many things happen with Jack. I saw the good, the bad, the ugly. I saw the love, the hate, the fear. Some days were better than others. Some days we lived in hell with him.”
“What do you mean? What does that mean?” I ask quickly needing to know. What did she see? What happened with Jack? She yawns, the alcohol pulling her under as she sobs harder.
“I hate myself for all of it. I saw the look in his eyes, Ryder. I could see it but I couldn’t do anything about it.” The more she cries, the more her eyes close. She’s going to fall asleep but maybe that’s for the best. Maybe this discussion is better left until we’re both sober.
“You need to go inside,” I tell her softly. She doesn’t move. When I look again, she’s lying there sound asleep. With a long sigh, I shove myself up and walk closer, reaching down to lift her in my arms. I start to carry her inside when her asshole boyfriend shoves the door open. He looks from me to her before he smirks.
“You can put her ass in bed. I’m sick of cleaning up her messes,” he says as he walks out the door. I don’t understand him at all. I don’t understand why he isn’t putting up a fight with me carrying his girlfriend around. If she was mine, I wouldn’t let another man touch her. But she isn’t mine. And I have to remember that.
“Did she pass out?” Jenny’s voice comes from the steps. I nod as I look up at her. She motions for me to follow her, so I do. Once I’m up the steps, Jenny directs me to Xena’s old room. I spent a lot of time in that room. Taking a deep breath, I step through the door and quickly place her in bed on her side so she doesn’t choke if she gets sick. I don’t cover her or look back, I quickly move out of the room.
“She’s a mess most days too.” I nod.
“When are you do?” I ask looking down at her belly.
“Another month.”
“Jenny…I…”
“It’s okay, Ryder.”
“No, it isn’t. She said some days you lived in hell with Jack. What did she mean by that?” The sad look in her eyes almost makes me rethink asking her but when she motions for me to follow her, I do. She walks over to the small staircase leading to the attic. I follow her up when I notice the big locks on the door. They aren’t engaged right now so the door opens freely. When I step inside, I gasp.
“What is this?” I ask walking around looking at the small mattress that lies on the floor, blankets and a pillow still there.
“He would get out of control. We didn’t know how to help him, Ryder. He swore people were here, in the house when it was only us. He hallucinated on some of the drugs. This was the only way we could keep him safe,” she says softly.
“Safe from who?”
“Himself,” she whispers before hurrying back out of the room. I walk around trying to picture my brother like that, in that frame of mind. It’s so hard though. That’s not the man I remember. It’s not my brother.
I walk over and sit on the small mattress knowing that he’d slept there more than once and I can’t stand to wonder what demons he was fighting without me.
“Fuck, Jack.”
36
Xena
Running my hand through my hair, I glance around wishing like hell someone would show up. I don’t want to walk home from work. My feet are killing me after the night in the bar. All I have to do is dress in skimpy clothes, flash a few smiles and pour some drinks. It’s an easy enough job if you don’t mind all the filth that comes in here. Checking up and down the road once more, I notice no one is coming. My guess is Dawson is being a prick like any other night and left me to deal with my own way home. I start walking losing my thoughts in the process. I still can’t believe Jack is gone. A chill runs down my spine as I think about what could have happened to him. No one deserved to be killed the way he was and dumped. A tear leaks down my cheek but I quickly brush it away. I’ve mourned long enough. I’ve had my fair share of tears. Now I need to focus on getting Dawson out of our house and paying all the bills until Jenny can work again.
My heeled boots click on the pavement as I head toward the house. Five fucking miles. That’s how far it is from my house to my job. I’ve walked it before many times but never in these damn boots. I internally curse myself for buying the damn things. My denim shorts are so short half my ass is probably showing to any driver that happens to pass and yet somewhere deep down, I don’t care. At least not until I hear the rumble of that damn motorcycle. It could only be Ryder. There aren’t any other people that ride around here. Glancing over my shoulder the closer it gets, I see it slow and watch as it pulls to a stop next to me. He pulls his face mask off before looking me up and down. The way his eyes lazily roam my body makes me shiver.