by Erin Trejo
“I wish I didn’t have to go back there,” I whisper into his chest.
“Not much longer, babe.”
I fist my hands in his shirt and just savor the moment I have with him. In a few minutes I will have to return to my own hell. My own darkness. I’m an orphan. I was put up for adoption when I was ten weeks old. I never knew my real parents. I was never adopted. I’ve bounced from foster home to foster home. I always thought it was because of my heart condition. I had a transplant when I was four. I’ve had a handful of complications since then. Sometimes I’d spend more time in hospitals than I did at foster homes but that was okay with me. Until I moved here. My foster parents’ house is right behind the clubhouse. That’s where I met Lynx. He was sneaking around in the trees that separate my house and his. I was out one night just trying to catch my breath and take a moment to myself when he found me. I’ll never forget that day. It changed me forever.
“I know, but…”
“Don’t do that, Harper. I get it’s bad, fuck, I get it more than anyone, but after I put in for Nomad status and you turn eighteen, we’re out of here,” Lynx reminds me. I can’t stop smiling when the words fall from those beautiful lips.
“I know. That’s the only thing keeping me going,” I admit to him. He’s my world. He’s my rock and he’s my protector. I would follow him to the ends of the earth if I had to.
“Just stay quiet and in your room, yeah?” He leans down pressing his lips to mine once more. I slip my arms around his neck, wrapping my hands in his long dirty blonde hair. His lips move down my neck, licking and sucking when I hear him roar.
“Harper!” my foster dad, Dave, screams from the back porch. I flinch and wince.
“I swear to God, Harper. I wanna kill that bastard,” Lynx growls, his hand tightening on my back.
“If only that were legal.”
“Don’t give two fucks if it’s legal or not. I hate him,” he hisses between his teeth. I reach up and grab his face in my hands, forcing him to look at me.
“You can’t do it, Lynx. I need you.” My voice is nothing but a whisper.
“I need you, too. Always.”
“I need to go,” I tell him when I hear Dave screaming louder. My chest tightens to the point of pain. I hate this. I hate leaving him. I hate living most days. Lynx holds me a little tighter before I feel his arms slowly relax.
“Run to me,” he whispers the words that always make my heart leap. The words that always soothe me and let me know that he’s here for me whenever I need him.
I nod my head and kiss him once more before walking away. I can hear Dave mouthing off and cursing. I wonder if he’s already beat on Cheryl, my foster mom. It wouldn’t surprise me. That’s usually when he comes looking for me. As I clear the trees, I spot him on the porch. I crouch low and try to sneak past him to the front of the house. Moving quickly yet silently, I sneak around the house and head in the front door. Cheryl’s on the floor, blood pooling around her. I gasp but then hear her murmur.
“Run away,” she pleads. I shake my head, drop to my knees, and try to cover the gash on her head.
“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have gone out,” I whisper when I hear the back door slam. I jolt, looking over my shoulder as Dave comes into view. He’s not a big man but he is strong when he’s drinking.
“Where the hell were you?” he hisses as he looks down at me. I keep my hand pressed on the mess he made of Cheryl’s head, trying my best to keep it from bleeding more.
“Why did you do this to her?” I scream at him.
He just smirks at me. He moves closer, throwing a beer bottle that I can’t avoid. It slams into my eyebrow; blood immediately starts leaking down my face. I suck in the sob as he makes his way closer to me. I’m panicking. I don’t know what to do. He’s going to hurt me. I know it. Stupid, Harper. So stupid. You should have kept your mouth shut! Yanking me by my hair from the floor, I cry out from the pain. My scalp hurts but not worse than my face when he punches me. I cry now. Hot tears falling down my face. I try to fight back but I can’t. Dave back hands me, sending me falling into the cabinet. My body aches when he comes back after me. I cover my face trying to avoid any further pain.
“You little bitch!” he roars.
Before he reaches me, I hear the back door crash in. Dave moves and I jerk my head up. Lynx is there.
“Lynx?” I ask as if he’s not real. He is real though. He has to be. I knew he’d protect me. His eyes move over me before his face hardens. He turns away just as Dave moves toward him. It all happens in slow motion. Cheryl’s on the phone. I can hear her calling for help. Lynx beats Dave until he isn’t moving, and I stay cradling myself against the wall. Tears and blood mix as they fall down my face. In seconds, Lynx has me lifted in his arms, cradling my face in his hands.
“Take this and run. Do you hear me? Run!” he hisses, stuffing money in my hand. I shake my head confused.
“I’m not leaving you!”
“You have to go! The cops are comin’, baby. Just run! Don’t look back. They’ll just give you back to this sick fuck, Harper. Fuckin’ run!” I shake my head but Lynx kisses me and shoves me toward the door. In a haze-filled state, I do as I was told.
I run.
75
Lynx
My knuckles burn but I welcome that fire. It’s all I’ve known for the past five years of my life. It was this way or death. I wasn’t ready to die. No, I had far too much to live for.
“You about done?” Vic asks as I pound the man’s face again.
“Not yet,” I growl breathlessly, throwing another punch. When the man’s body can no longer be held up, Vic lets him slide to the ground. “I wasn’t done!” I roar.
“Yeah, well he was.” He nods toward the lifeless fuck on the ground. I grit my teeth, pissed off that the asshole didn’t make it longer than he had.
“Fuck this,” I grumble, wiping my hands on my jeans as I storm toward the door. I’m pissed off, so much rage burning inside of me I’m finding it hard to control.
“What is with you? Didn’t you get enough fightin’ in the pen?” Vic asks as I light up a cigarette and look up at the stars. That’s something I haven’t seen in the last five years while I was in the pen.
I beat Dave. I beat him to near death and didn’t blink a fucking eye. All that mattered was that Harper was out of there and he couldn’t touch her again. I took the prison sentence for beating him and she disappeared. It was like a fucking punch to the gut every time I thought about it. Every day I would wonder where she was, when she was going to come see me. Every night I’d fall asleep with visions of her in my head only to wake up and do the same thing the next day. It was pure fucking hell.
“That’s all I did. It’s all I’m used to.” Vic nods his head puffing on his own cigarette.
“You sure this is still what you want, Lynx?”
I glance over at the man that’s been more of a father to me than my own ever was. Vic’s a good guy when it comes down to it. Actually, he’s one hell of man in my book. He’s always taken me under his wing and showed me the way, but more than that, he’s the only one who ever came to see me while I was locked up.
“Come on, Vic. I’ve been out for six months. Been ridin’ around the country for five of them. Hell yeah I love it.” I flick my cigarette to the ground and walk toward the bikes. I’m thankful for Vic. I’m glad I have one friend who stayed true to me, because he was the only person who did.
“I haven’t heard from her,” Vic adds almost sadly.
“Didn’t figure. She’s nothin’, brother. A ghost of my past,” I remind him.
“Like fuck she is. She was more than that to you back then, Lynx.”
“Yeah, five years ago. I was nothin’ but a kid, man. That was all it was.” That’s another fucking lie that I keep telling myself. I’ve told it enough over the last five years you would think it would stick, but it hasn’t. Truth is, it nearly broke me when she didn’t show up day after day. I always thought I�
��d wake up the next day and she’d be in that visitation room. She never was and that killed me more than being locked up.
“Keep tellin’ yourself that,” Vic grumbles as I grab my helmet.
“Thanks for this. For everything,” I tell him nodding toward the warehouse.
“Don’t matter if you’re a Nomad now, Lynx. You’re my family and always will be, brother. I watched you grow up and become a man. That patch changes nothin’,” he says, nodding toward my cut. I nod my head feeling the same way about him. “Where you headin’?”
“Tennessee. Got a few jobs lined up out there. A friend of mine from the pen has family there. He got out recently and asked if I wanted to come work,” I tell him.
Vic nods his head. “That’s good man. Real good. Just wish you’d stay longer.”
I hate to leave Vic. I really do, but this is my life now. I don’t like being back in Texas. I hate it if I’m being honest. Every bit of my past is here. Too many memories that unsettle me.
“I’m not dead, brother. I’m a call away,” I remind him with a chuckle.
“You’re different, Lynx. Closed off even. That bitch messed your head up.”
I close my eyes so that I don’t slam my fist into his. I take a deep breath and calm my nerves before opening them and looking back at him.
“It is what it is, yeah? We always knew somethin’ was bound to happen, Vic. It was either Dave or my dad, right?” He nods his head but I can see the anger in him. He’s still not over all the bullshit and hell, maybe I’m not either. It was a shit path that I walked down, but it was mine nevertheless. I made the choices I did and now I have to live with this reality.
“Don’t take another six fuckin’ months to come see me, yeah?”
I smirk and nod at him. “I won’t.” Pulling the helmet on my head, I climb on my bike and rev the engine. Pulling out, I give him a salute before I head on my way.
I’m not sure what my place is anymore. I wasn’t sure my place was to even be a biker for a while there. My head was a mess when I was sent away. Cut off from the outside world that I’d barely even been living in. I was eighteen. On my fucking birthday, I nearly killed a man. Yeah, he went down with me, but that wasn’t what bothered me. I was happy to do it, to save her. But I lost her. That’s what killed me. The five years I’d spent dreaming of her, wishing for her was all a waste. We were supposed to be together. We had plans to run this country and be free when she turned eighteen. That all changed when I heard screaming coming from over there. I knew what was happening, and for some reason that night just pushed me over the edge. It isn’t as if I didn’t know he beat on them - I did, but that night was different. I’d always known he hurt her, I saw the bruises she tried to cover up, but she was young, still not old enough to leave that house on her own and I knew if they found her they would take her straight back to him. I know how the foster system works. Dave had been in trouble for hitting her before and they would send her back every time. It pissed me off, angered me to no end. It wasn’t just that either. When Harper was a just a little kid, she had a heart transplant. That in itself leaves her vulnerable to so many other things aside from that asshole’s fists. She’s delicate and should be handled with care. Something deep inside of me said that he would kill her this time. It was a gut feeling, one I couldn’t ignore. I couldn’t let that happen. I ran over there and straight in the back door. She was crying, bleeding, and I lost control. I thought telling her to run was the best. I would never change what I did to him. Well, that’s not true either. If I could go back in time, I would have killed him. In retrospect I would have still been in prison, only serving a life sentence, but at least I’d know he was dead. As for Harper? I have no idea where she ran to that night. I never heard a word from her or anyone else about her. Vic looked for a while, but when he came up empty-handed, he gave up. I couldn’t ask him to keep looking for her when he had his own life to live.
I’ve fought myself internally on the subject, knowing I had to let her go.
I knew it was for the best. Even if my heart died with her.
76
Harper
I twirl, stomp my booted foot on the ground before swaying to the left. You ever been to Coyote Ugly? Yeah, they don’t have a thing on Boot Scootin’. I’ve worked here the last five years and I couldn’t be happier. Well, I could but those memories have been shoved to the back of my mind, tied up in a neat little bow.
“Harper!” Luke, one of the regulars and also the man I’m dating, hollers for me when he sees me. I smile and toss a little wave as my set finishes up. We dance. We bar tend. We do all sorts of things here. Told you, we are Coyote Ugly on steroids. I was merely a dancer when I first showed up here. I wasn’t old enough to even be in the bar but Josie loves me. She’s the owner here. She took me in after I ran as far and as fast I could from home. This place was only supposed to be a stop on my way to New York but it grew on me. Josie grew on me.
“Luke is one hottie!” Sandra, one of the other girls, laughs.
“I know that’s right!” With a smile on my face, I head down to his end of the bar. Leaning against the counter, I smirk.
“What can I get you today?”
“You. You could get me you,” he says with the wiggle of his eyebrows. I laugh as I lean in and press a kiss to his lips.
“You miss me all day?” I tease as I grab a bottle of beer and pop the top, sliding it across to him.
“Every second, baby,” Luke says with a smile.
He’s cute. But he isn’t Lynx; no one will ever be him. Luke is tall, well built with dark brown hair. He’s the complete opposite of the one man I’d always loved. Where Lynx was a bad boy, Luke is more like the boy next door. He’s a nice guy with a good job in the music industry. His dad manages multiple best-selling artists and Luke is learning the business. I know I’m lucky to have such a good guy, but my heart still yearns for Lynx.
“I’ll be done in an hour,” I tell him, blowing him a kiss. He nods, grabs his beer, and takes a long pull. I go about my shift, serving drinks, taking song requests and dancing until I can’t breathe.
“When are you going to hook me up with his dad?” Josie asks, bumping her hip against mine. I giggle under my breath.
“Never! That man has slept with every woman in Nashville, Josie. Don’t tell me you want a man like that!”
“Hell yeah I do! No strings attached, girl. That’s just the kind I need.”
“You’re drunk,” I say pointing at her.
“So what? That’s the best kind of man to get, honey. They want sex, you give it. They want to be alone, you walk. You don’t have to wake up and deal with the aftermath in the morning, it’s even better,” she says with a laugh. Josie isn’t much older than me but she has her head on straight. From the stories she’s told me, her childhood was a mess like mine forcing her to grow up and figure out life at an early age. She’s a great person and even better friend. I love her to death.
“You remember saying that when Jim left?” I eye her.
“Oh, please. Jim was a dumbass to leave all this,” she says motioning to her body. I laugh harder. Jim is her ex. She got rid of him and married her long- time friend, Stan, right after. To say this girl has baggage is an understatement.
“You know how much I love you?” I ask her, pulling her into a hug.
“Not more than I love you, girl. Get out of here. Go have fun with Luke,” she says, kissing my cheek.
I pull back, shake my head and spin around to find Luke’s eyes on me. I like when he looks at me. I like the feeling I get. Tingles race over my skin as I climb the bar and drop into his lap. His hands wrap around my waist, pulling me closer.
“I said to go have fun, not fuck him on the barstool!” Josie yells over the crowd. I press my lips to Luke’s and flip her off all at the same time.
“What’s that about?” Luke whispers before nipping my ear lobe.
“She’s mad I told her your dad was off limits,” I giggle.
“Dad is off limits. I like Josie and I know she’s your best friend. I also know my dad. He would only hurt her in the end,” Luke tells me as if I didn’t already know that. I met Luke when I first came here. He was different but also sweet. He’s never let me down, and I like that about him.
“That’s what I told her. She doesn’t listen well; you know? Besides she’s married, just a flirt.”
“Well, I won’t be the one to introduce them and piss you off later,” he teases as he tickles my sides.
“Can we leave? I’m tired of loud music and smoke.”
Climbing off his lap, the memories rush back like a slap to the face. That’s all I’d ever known with Lynx. Maybe that’s why it bothers me now. I remember when I first went to the clubhouse with him. He introduced me to everyone. The parties were wild and always loud and full of cigarette smoke and liquor. Maybe that’s why I find some sort of peace working here. As much as the past kills me I still find a peace in all of this. Lynx was that peace and everything about this bar reminds me of him and I don’t think I ever truly want to forget that part of my life. It’s like being home even when I can’t be.
Luke grabs my hand and leads me out of the bar and out onto the busy sidewalk. People are everywhere, and yet I’m nowhere. Some days I feel as if I’m drowning in my memories. I want to slip under the fog and let them take me away. Luke’s hand squeezes mine, pulling me back to reality.
“You got lost there,” he says as he looks at me.
“I know. I’m sorry.”
“Sometimes the past is hard to let go of, Harper. You don’t have to; you know?”
“Have to what?”
“Let go of it. It’s what brought you here. It’s what made you you. You can keep those memories,” he says reassuringly.