“Yeah, it is.” I sighed. “So I’m either not sleeping, or I’m dreaming about all this shit. To be honest, it’s a wonder I still function at work.”
“I can suggest talking to your physician about a sleep aid, but that won’t help with the dreams.”
“I’ll pass,” I said. “And to make things a little harder to deal with, there’s also the small matter of our history together.” I paused. “I think we have a few loose ends we never tied up.”
She tilted her head to one side. “How so?”
“Long story short, it was her decision to end our relationship a few years ago, and it was one I never agreed with. I went along with it because it was what she wanted, and I agreed to stay friends with her because I’d rather have her in my life than not, but I didn’t want her to leave.”
“Why did she end things?”
I ran a hand through my hair. “We fought. All the damned time, about anything and everything. We’d been fine for a while, but the year or so before we broke up, it was nothing but fighting. I thought it was just a rough patch. Growing pains or something. She didn’t agree.” I laughed, and the sadness in my own voice tightened my chest. “Fuck, we couldn’t even agree about that.”
“And how did you feel when she left?”
“I was devastated. We were both sick of fighting, I won’t deny that, but I thought we could work it out. I hoped we would.” I sighed. “We got into a fight one day, she left like she always did when things got too heated, and when she came back, she—” I paused, closing my eyes and swallowing hard. “She said she’d just come back to get her things. And that was it. We stayed friends, but it killed me to lose her like that.”
“And how has this been affecting your current relationship with her?”
“Since we’re sleeping together again, the line between friends and more than friends isn’t quite as clear.” I looked at the floor between us with unfocused eyes. “And sometimes, it’s just like it was back then. Just like it was.” I shifted my gaze to my hands wringing in my lap. “Then afterward, I remember that we’re not what we were back then. I remember why we’re doing this in the first place.” I chewed my lip for a moment, then forced myself to look her in the eye. “And it fucking hurts like hell.”
“Have the two of you discussed this?”
“No.” I didn’t look up. “She mentioned early on that she’s not ready for another relationship, and she wants to keep this as a friendship. Or some really bizarre facsimile of a friendship, I guess.”
“But you feel differently.”
I blinked a few times, refusing to let myself fall apart like I had with Kristen. “Yes,” I whispered.
“Are you concerned you’re developing stronger feelings for her than you should?”
I shook my head. “No. I’m just figuring out I never stopped having those feelings for her. I thought at first that I just wanted to help her. I just wanted to… fix her. To fix what he did to her.”
“And that’s not the case?”
“No.” I paused. “I mean, I do want to help her, don’t get me wrong, but…”
“How do you feel about her, Scott?” Her voice was gentle, and it coaxed the tears to my eyes, but I forced them back again.
“I still love her.” The words took whatever breath I had right out of my chest. I rubbed the bridge of my nose, willing myself not to break down. Finally I whispered again, “I still love her.”
“Do you know how she feels about you?”
“We haven’t discussed it. As far as I know, to her, I’m still just a friend. Someone to help her deal with her past, someone to help her get the hang of being intimate again, but…” I took a deep breath. “This might make me a completely selfish bastard, given her circumstances, but I can’t help feeling”—I took a deep breath to keep my emotions in check— “used.” As soon as the word was off my tongue, I winced, and quickly added, “I don’t want to make this about me. Les, I’d go to the ends of the earth to help her, but I can’t change what I feel for her.”
“No, of course you can’t,” she said. “And no one’s asking you to. I’m just glad to see you’re being honest with yourself about it. This whole situation has obviously been difficult for you, and accepting your own feelings is imperative.”
“I know it is, but…” I exhaled hard. “The thing is, it hurt like hell in the beginning, seeing her the way she was, everything Rich had done to her. And I’m thrilled she’s come so far in getting past all of that, glad I’ve been able to help her…” I closed my eyes against the guilt that rose with every word I said. “I’m not going to lie, I’m worried about what’s going to happen when we reach the end of this.”
“When she doesn’t need your help any longer?”
Swallowing hard, I nodded.
“What do you want to happen at this point?” she asked.
“As far as the future with her?”
Leslie nodded.
“I don’t know if what I want to happen and what should happen are the same thing.”
“Tell me what it is you want to happen, Scott.”
“What I want is to be with her again.” My own words hit me in the chest. Hard. “I don’t think there’s a snowball’s chance in hell of it happening, but that’s what I want.”
“I think you need to discuss this with her,” Leslie said.
I raised an eyebrow. “Does she need this on her shoulders right now?”
“It will be difficult for her,” she said with a nod. “But she’s asked you to come down this road with her. Although she’s the one leaning on you, your feelings are not irrelevant, Scott.”
“Right, but this could… complicate things.”
“It might, yes.” She paused. “But she has a right to know how it’s all affecting you. And I believe she has a responsibility to be aware of and considerate of your emotional state.”
I sighed. “I feel like I’d be bitching about a paper cut to an amputee.”
“No, you’re not. If you’re going to be what she needs to get through this, you need to be on top of your emotional health and you need to be honest with her. It won’t do either of you any good if you crumble under your own weight.”
I said nothing.
Leslie went on. “Talking to me is the first step, and I commend you for your openness and honesty with me. None of these feelings are easy to deal with or discuss. Now that you’ve done this, I think you need to get a good, open dialogue going with her about it. It’s up to you whether you two discuss it on your own or here in my office, but for your sake, I encourage you to do so.”
I rubbed the back of my neck and sighed. “That will be a fun conversation.”
“No, probably not.” She tapped her fingers on the folder in her lap. “I can certainly see why all of this is taking its toll on you, Scott. The dreams, your feelings for Meredith, everything. There’s no shame in any of this. It would be emotionally taxing for anyone, but you’re maintaining two other romantic and sexual relationships on top of it.”
I laughed dryly. “Well, one other relationship.”
“Oh?” She cocked her head.
“Amy and I…” I shrugged. “We decided to call it quits.”
“Oh. I’m sorry to hear that.”
“Yeah, me too.” I let out a breath. “It’s probably just as well, though. We’ve both had so much shit getting in the way of things for the last few months, and when things started with Meredith, I was lucky to find a few minutes to talk to Amy on the phone, never mind getting together.”
“How are you coping with that?” she asked. “With the end of that relationship?”
“What can I do? We’re still friends. She’s still my sub. I wouldn’t say it’s the most pleasant thing I’ve ever gone through, but it’s admittedly a…” I looked down at my hands.
“Relief?”
Guilt burned in my gut. “Yeah. It’s a relief.”
“There’s no shame in that,” she said. “Everyone has their limits, even y
ou. Maintaining two relationships on top of rehabilitating a submissive for whom you have strong feelings? Something has to give.”
“I know,” I whispered. “I just hate the fact that it had to be her.”
“Can you think of any other solution?”
I shook my head. “Not really. We’d been drifting apart for a while anyway, but I’d hoped to work things out. When all of this started with Meredith, though…” shook my head again.
“How is your relationship with Kristen? Are you concerned about this affecting that relationship?”
“Oh, I’m concerned about it, but I think she and I will be okay. I feel kind of guilty though, because I unloaded all of this on her the other night.” I rested my elbows on my knees and rubbed my forehead with my fingertips. “That’s why I’m here today. After the other night… I just… I couldn’t deal with it anymore.”
“What happened that night? When did you realize you’d reached your breaking point?”
I sat up. “Probably around the time I called Kristen that afternoon and asked if she wanted to top me.”
Leslie’s eyebrows jumped.
I laughed dryly. “Yes, I do submit once in a while. Krissy is the only one who tops me these days, and it’s rare.” I chewed my lip. “Usually only when I’m stressed out and need to let someone else take the reins for a while.”
“I can certainly see why you did so now, then.”
I nodded. “Anyway, I told her what Meredith went through. I hated to break her confidence, but I was just losing it. And then I broke down.”
“None of this is as surprising as you might think,” she said. “Even the part about you playing the bottom once in a while. In spite of the reputation Doms have for being heartless, you do have a heart. You’re human, just like any Dom.”
“Aside from one,” I growled.
“That was not a Dom,” she spat. “That creature has no business anywhere near a woman, whether she’s a submissive or not.”
“My sentiments exactly,” I muttered.
She closed her folder and set it aside. “Well, we’re at the end of our time here. Unless you need to talk further. I can ask my next patient to wait a few minutes if it’s—”
“No, no.” I put a hand up. “I’m fine. This was quite helpful. Thank you, Leslie.”
She smiled. “That’s what I’m here for.”
Chapter 26
Meredith was beautiful. There were no two ways about it. Standing in front of me in my dungeon with her eyes down and her clothes at her feet, she was simply beautiful.
It didn’t matter how many times I’d seen her this way, I had to stop for a moment to take her in. Silently watching a sub was a very effective mind game, a way to put her off balance before giving her a command, but I just wanted to look at her this time.
Stripped. Surrendered. Completely calm and confident. Unafraid. It was hard to believe there was ever a time when she flinched from my touch. In fact, it was hard to believe there’d ever been a time when we didn’t touch at all. If only for tonight, at least, the ghosts of her past and ours were gone.
But how much longer will I get to look at you like this?
Shaking my head, I banished that thought to the back of my mind and cleared my throat. “Stand with your back to the Cross.”
Meredith looked up. “With my back to it, Sir?”
I raised an eyebrow.
She quickly cleared her throat. “Yes, Sir.”
As I’d ordered, she stood in front of the Saint Andrew’s Cross, facing me. Without a word, I took her hand and lifted it to my lips. I kissed her palm, then moved to the inside of her wrist, and she held her breath while I worked my way up her forearm.
“Do you trust me, Meredith?”
“Yes, Sir,” she whispered. She bit back a whimper when I drew a tiny circle with the tip of my tongue on the inside of her elbow. Goose bumps rose along her arm and my back.
Our eyes met. She licked her lips.
Without a word, I raised her arm and fastened the cuff around her wrist. Then I did the same with the other.
“I’m going to bind your ankles. Are you comfortable with that?”
She nodded.
I muffled a cough.
“Yes, Sir.”
“Good girl.” Left cheek, right. Then I knelt, trailing my hands down her legs, watching her squirm at my gentle touch. My fingertips drifted over her thighs, then around to the backs of her trembling knees. I drew light circles, just as I had on her elbow with my tongue, and the restraints creaked as she fidgeted.
My palm drifted down her calf to her ankle. Holding her ankle, I glanced up to make sure she wasn’t nervous or scared. Judging by the way she bit her lip when she met my eyes, I had nothing to worry about.
I secured one restraint, then the other. Once they were in place, I stood. “Anything too tight? Anything tingling or cold?”
“No, Sir.”
“Tell me your safe words.”
She closed her eyes and took a breath. “Red to stop, yellow to back off, Sir.”
“Good girl.” Left cheek, right. “I’m stepping away from you for a second, but I’m not leaving you, okay?”
She nodded. “Yes, Sir.” I watched her for a second. Not a flinch, not even a flicker of fear.
Certain she was calm, I went to the table below the rack of floggers. I watched her face when I lifted the towel I’d laid on the table earlier. She’d eyed it a few times after she’d come into the dungeon, probably wondering what was under it, and now she knew.
It was nothing but a glass of ice. From the way her entire body stiffened, she knew exactly what I intended to do with it. She kept her gaze fixed on that glass as I picked it up and came back across the room to her. I let the ice rattle against the sides, and she gulped.
I knelt to set the glass on the floor, and before I stood, I pulled an ice cube out, ignoring the way it made me shiver. Cold against my skin was my Achilles Heel, even when it was just on my hands. Still, it would be worth it for the chance to tease her like this.
Still watching her eyes, I put my arm around her, letting the heel of my hand brush her skin, but keeping the ice away. Now that my hand was out of sight, she shut her eyes tight, grimacing and holding her breath, flinching in anticipation of the intense cold.
“Am I making you nervous, Meredith?”
“No, Sir.” She squirmed against her restraints, jumping every time my hand moved even though I hadn’t yet let her feel the ice.
“Don’t lie to me,” I said. “Does this make you nervous?”
The slight growl in my voice didn’t even make her jump. The briefest, lightest contact of ice in the small of her back, however, did. I let it graze her skin, just enough to startle her, before pulling it away.
“Answer me truthfully,” I whispered. “Am I making you nervous?”
“Yes.” She swallowed, glancing up at me. “Yes, Sir.”
“Not uncomfortable, though?”
“No, Sir.”
“Good girl.” Left cheek, right.
She relaxed, closing her eyes and releasing her breath.
I pressed the ice in the middle of her back. Her eyes flew open and she gasped, her back arching, but not enough to get away from the cold. Not with the cuffs holding her in place and my body in front of hers. I grinned, watching her gasp and try to wriggle away from the ice as I drew it up the center of her spine.
I took it away from her skin for a second, just long enough for her to pull in one deep, relieved breath, before I pressed it against the side of her neck. I slid it down to her collarbone. She shivered, wriggling as much as her restraints would allow. When I started up her neck, she let her head fall back, exposing her throat and whimpering as I took advantage of that.
I traced every curve of her torso with ice and fingertips. Her breathing quickened. Deepened. She squirmed like she couldn’t decide between pulling away and pushing against. When I circled her nipple with the ice cube, she bit her lip. Oh yeah, this was
well worth the torture of having something cold on my own skin.
The ice melted, so I picked up another. Two cubes this time, actually. She watched with wide eyes when I slipped one between my lips. I rolled it around on my tongue, trying not to grin as her eyebrows knitted together. She gulped.
When I put my hands—but no ice—on her hips and leaned in to kiss her neck, she exhaled through her nose, her entire body tensing. She jumped and sucked in a sharp breath when I kissed her neck. Again as the ice in my hand touched her skin. I drew that ice up and down her side while I trailed gentle kisses down to her breast, and she cursed under her breath as I teased her nipple with lips, ice, and tongue.
“Oh, God…” she moaned. I moved to the other nipple, and she cursed and gasped and went out of her damned mind.
I took my lips off her nipple and started up, moving gradually toward her neck while my hand moved down her side, over her hip, and between her legs.
I kissed her neck, occasionally pressing the ice against her skin with my tongue. She gasped when ice and cold fingers touched her pussy, and she shivered as I alternately tormented her with the ice and palmed the cube so I could circle her clit with my fingertips. All the while I switched between warming the skin of her neck with my lips before letting the ice in my mouth chill it once again. She writhed and whimpered, but the restraints kept her at my mercy.
After a while, the cube in my mouth had melted to the point it was too small to do much, so I kissed her neck, then bit down on the ice. She gasped again, her spine straightening and her entire body tensing at the sound of crunching ice. With the ice gone, I raised my head and kissed her full-on as my fingers slid into her pussy. The ice in my hand didn’t last much longer, but her moans stayed just as intense, responding to the gentle pressure of my palm on her clit as if the cold remained.
“Does this turn you on?” I murmured into her kiss.
“Yes, Sir.” She tried to kiss me again, but a shiver separated us. She let her head fall back, screwing her eyes shut as her pussy tightened and her body trembled.
“Don’t you dare come yet,” I whispered into her ear, beckoning against her G-spot. “I haven’t given you permission, have I?”
Reconstructing Meredith (Light Switch Book 2) Page 28