“Laura.” Reverend Tim put a hand on my shoulder. “Drink this.”
I uncurled and took the mug of tea. “Can we go and see her?” I asked.
“When you’ve drunk your tea,” he replied. “Then I’ll take you.”
We settled Gran in the front of the old Volvo and Sam put a small cushion at her back. Then he slid onto the rear seat next to me. There was a box of tissues between us. We didn’t speak, just listened to Gran and Reverend Tim chatting away about people in the village and the history of the church. I wanted to ask about Gloria, about whether Sam had managed to find another home for her, but I didn’t dare. I couldn’t bear to hear that she was happily living with someone else.
Mum was in a long ward with old silver pipes running around the wall near to the ceiling. We’d had to put Gran in a wheelchair to get there because it was down corridors that twisted and turned and seemed to go on for ever. Sam and his dad weren’t going to come in. They were going to wait outside in the car park but the wheelchair was so heavy and cumbersome, even before Gran got into it, that there was no way I’d have been able to push it all that way. Even Reverend Tim had trouble getting it to go in the right direction and ended up pulling Gran backwards, so she was facing me, and I took her right hand in my left one. Sam was on the other side of me and as we walked he touched my wrist. At first I thought it was accidental and then I felt the tips of his fingers pressing persistently against mine. I didn’t turn to look at him, just let that lovely comforting feeling spread through me. When I did cast him a sideways glance his eyes flickered towards me. He was blushing and smiled, hesitantly, as if he wasn’t sure that he was doing the right thing, as if he thought that at any moment I might give him the brush-off. Instead I closed the gap between us so that my fingers could curl around his. Out of the corner of my eye I saw his shoulders relax.
Mum was lying in bed, looking really woozy. She had a vivid red mark and an egg-shaped lump on the side of her head from where she’d hit the side window when the car had gone off the road. Dad was pacing up and down beside the bed. I put my arms around Mum, kissing her gently on the forehead.
“Laura?” she slurred. “Is that you?”
“Yes, Mum, and Gran’s here too.”
“I need to get the supper,” she continued, trying to lift herself up.
I pressed her back down. “No, you don’t. You’ve got to stay here. You’ve had a bang on the head. You’re confused.”
“Confused,” she repeated. “So confused.”
Reverend Tim helped Gran towards the chair.
“Why are you all here?” Mum asked. “Are we having a party? A nice glass of wine would do me good.” She lifted her hand to her head. “Or have I had too many glasses already?”
We all smiled at that.
“Mind you, with what I’ve been through I need a few bottles, not glasses.” She half lifted herself up. “Where is that man?” She looked at the chair where Gran was now sitting. “He was there. Watching me. Pretending he cares. But he doesn’t really.”
Her eyes were wild and unfocused but she latched them onto Dad who was hovering by the flowery curtain that separated the bed from the one next door. I knew that for the first time since he’d arrived back in our lives she could see him.
“I don’t want him here. Get rid of him. Tell him to go away. He won’t listen to me.”
“Laura,” Gran said, “take him out of here, will you, dear?”
For the first time I looked at Dad properly. He looked awful, really drawn.
“Come with me,” I said and it was such a relief to be able to speak out loud in front of people, not to have to pretend any more.
He looked taken aback and I thought for a moment that he was going to be difficult but I gave him one of my best glares. He didn’t dare refuse after that.
We stood outside in the corridor and I waited for a couple of nurses to bustle past.
“She could see me, Laura. But she doesn’t want me there.”
“It’s the shock, that’s all,” I replied. “Why did she see you?”
He leaned back against the wall. “I could say it’s because of the concussion but that would be a lie. It’s because I wanted her to know that I was here.” He looked at me then. “And before you say anything, this is all my fault. Your gran’s right, Laura. Leopards don’t change their spots. I’m just as selfish now as I was all of those years ago. I wanted your mother to see me. I wanted to tell her I was sorry. Me, me, me. It was all about me.”
I should have been angry with him but I couldn’t because he looked completely broken. His molecules were dancing all over the place. I took him out to the stairwell where it was easier to talk.
“What happened? Did she see you while she was driving along?”
He pressed his hands to his eyes. “So, so stupid of me. I didn’t mean to appear in the car like that. I was just thinking about it, when would be the best time, and then this pheasant ran out from the hedge and I didn’t think she’d seen it. I leaned over to grab the wheel. It was instinctive. I knew how upset she’d be if the car ran it over. And she must have felt my presence or even seen me. I don’t know but the car swerved and she lost control and we ended up in the ditch.”
“Are you all right?”
He took his hands away then and opened his eyes.
“Were you hurt?”
He shook his head. “Not physically anyway. I can’t be injured in that way any more. But your mother could have been killed.”
“But she wasn’t. She’s going to be fine.”
“You’d have been orphaned because of my stupidity.”
“Dad! Listen to me. Mum is going to be fine.”
“I’m not safe to be around,” Dad said. “You have to keep away from me, Laura. I’m a walking disaster. I’m not to be trusted. Never was.”
He stumbled down the steps.
“Dad, don’t be so stupid. Come back.”
But he wasn’t listening. He got to the bottom of the stairs and melted away.
They wanted to keep Mum in hospital overnight just to keep an eye on her. I kissed her lightly on the cheek.
“See you tomorrow, Mum.”
“You’ll be all right, Laura,” she murmured. “Your father will look after you.”
I stroked her hand. “I know, Mum. He wants to look after you too.”
Reverend Tim stopped off and picked up fish and chips on the way home. I wasn’t hungry but he said we had to eat and keep our strength up. He and Sam rummaged around in the kitchen getting out plates and ketchup and slicing bread while Gran and I gave them directions. When it was time for them to leave, Sam’s dad put his hands on my shoulders and looked straight into my face.
“Laura, if you want to talk about this situation, you know where I am.”
I nodded.
“Any time,” he added.
“Thanks,” I whispered.
“Will you both be all right tonight?”
“Yes,” Gran replied, struggling to her feet and coming to wrap an arm around my waist. “We’ll be fine.”
“If you want anything just pick up the phone.”
Sam reached out and touched my hand. “See you tomorrow,” he said.
“Yes – yes please.” And I felt the tears welling up all over again.
I was making hot chocolate when Gran came back into the kitchen. She’d gone to get changed into her nightie and I was so absorbed in stirring the milk, watching the little bubbles break on the surface as it came to the boil, that I didn’t even hear the tap of her stick on the tiled floor.
“Laura.”
I jumped.
“Gran, you scared me. I was miles away.”
“With your mum?”
“Yes.”
“She’ll be all right.”
“I know.”
“She’s such a careful driver.” Gran was leaning on her stick, watching me.
“Yes.”
“Have you any idea what happened?”
&n
bsp; I lifted the saucepan off the heat and poured the frothy, chocolatey milk into two mugs. I needed time to think. “It wasn’t what you think. He wasn’t trying to make her go faster.”
I told her what Dad had told me.
“Accidents happen, don’t they?” I said.
Her eyes were glinting black in the half-light.
I put one mug onto a tray with a couple of ginger biscuits and offered to carry it through to her room.
“Yes, they do,” she replied. “But it can’t be allowed to happen again, Laura. You know that, don’t you?”
“Yes,” I said, so quietly that I’m surprised she heard me. Then I went over and pressed my cheek to hers before going upstairs to bed.
I barely slept. I heard the clock in the hall strike midnight, then one, then two, then three o’clock.
Time seemed to have slowed down but I realised I didn’t actually mind. For once, the slower time moved the better. Because when morning came I knew what I would have to do and it was going to be one of the most difficult things I had ever done in my entire life.
I had set my alarm on my phone for eight o’clock but I didn’t need it. I was awake at half past seven and lay there, staring at the ceiling without really seeing it and dreading the day ahead. My heart was thumping and my limbs felt as if they were filled with cement but in the end I couldn’t put it off any longer.
I checked on Gran, made tea and showered. I tilted my head back, closed my eyes and let the water run all over my face and hair. It was calming. By the time I got back into my bedroom and sat down at the dressing table to blank out a spot which kept re-emerging on my chin, I was feeling more in control.
“You can do this,” I said to myself, staring straight into the mirror. “You’ve got to think about Mum. You haven’t got a choice.”
“Got to do what?” Dad poked his head around the half open door, taking my breath away.
“Where have you been?”
“At the hospital, watching over your mother.” He held up his hands. “From a safe distance this time. She had no idea I was there.”
“How is she this morning?”
“Still a bit woozy.”
He came and stood behind me but I couldn’t see his reflection in the mirror at all.
“What have you got to do that sounds so serious?” he asked.
I bit my lip. “Dad, I’m glad that you’re here. I want to say something.”
I twisted on the stool to look at him. I wasn’t going to do this staring into space. He didn’t say anything. I opened my mouth, tried to find the words. They were there on the tip of my tongue but not in the right order. I had to say this properly, to get this sentence out in a sensitive and dignified way. But I couldn’t. My voice just froze.
“Laura, I want to say something too.” He knelt down in front of me. “I think that I ought to go back.”
“To the hospital?”
He shook his head. “No, my darling princess. You know I didn’t mean that.”
I couldn’t look at him. “But I don’t want you to go.”
“And believe me, I don’t want to, but we both know that it’s the right thing, don’t we?”
I nodded. Tears fell onto my knees.
“Besides, you don’t want me following you around for the rest of your life, commenting on your boyfriends or hassling you about your homework. You’ve got to live your life without me, Laura.”
“I don’t know how to do that. I’ve never known how to do that.”
And then, for the first time, he took my hands in his. His strange molecular fingers wrapped around mine. We waited for something to happen, a crack of thunder like they have in films or a deep angry voice from above. But there was nothing like that, just Dad’s love for me spreading up my arms and through my body, and mine for him flowing back into his form.
“All you have to do, Laura, is be yourself. You are the kindest, most beautiful, caring girl on the planet and I am so proud of you.”
“If I’d gone to the farmers’ market with Mum this wouldn’t have happened,” I gulped.
“Yes it would, eventually. Deep down we’ve both always known I couldn’t stay around for ever, haven’t we?”
I nodded. It was true.
“Now that your gran knows I’m here and so does the vicar and Sam, the decision has been made for me.”
“I didn’t want to have to send you away.”
“And you haven’t. I’ve decided this myself. Besides, I’ll be up there looking down on you, trying to protect you, making sure you don’t get into any trouble. Promise me you’ll be careful, Laura. You won’t take silly risks?”
“I’ll try not to.”
“You still don’t understand how much I worry about you, do you? It’s like having one of those balls made up of rubber bands inside your chest. Each band is a thread of fear and they’re all wound around each other, tangled up. You think that the ball will get smaller as your child grows up but it’s not like that. The more you watch them changing and going out into the world, the bigger it gets.”
I managed a smile. “You’re not the only one who worries, you know. Will you be all right going back there? I don’t know anything about The Other Side. I don’t know if you’re happy there.”
“Yes, sweetheart, I shall be happy, even more so because I’ve spent this time with you.”
“It’ll be nice to know that you’re there watching over me,” I murmured.
“Always. I’ll be with you every second.”
“Oh, right…”
He pulled his hand away and slapped his forehead. The molecules splished out to the side like a starburst.
“No,” he said, returning my smile, “actually not quite that much. After all, a girl needs some privacy, doesn’t she?”
I nodded.
“See,” he said, a touch triumphantly. “I’m learning. You’ve taught me a lot, Laura.”
“You’ve taught me a lot too,” I whispered. “Thank you.”
He stretched his hands up my arms. I moved closer. It felt good but it still wasn’t a proper hug.
“Silly girl,” he said softly, his lips almost touching my hair. “You don’t have to thank me. That’s what proper fathers do.”
He bent his head closer, our foreheads millimetres apart.
“Now, remember, even when you can’t see me, I’m still here for you. When I’ve gone you can talk to me, tell me your troubles and find a quiet space to listen for the answers. Love is eternal, Laura. I will never really leave you, you know that, don’t you?”
“Yes.” And then the question I had to ask. “When will you go?”
“Before your mum comes out of hospital, if possible. I wasn’t lying when I said that I didn’t know how to do the return journey. I’m going to need a bit of help. Can you sort that out for me?”
He was trying to make it easier for me, trying to lessen the pain. But then that’s what good fathers do, isn’t it?
SACRIFICE
“Gran, we’ve got a problem.”
She looked up from her sewing. She was taking up the hem of one of my dresses. Mum had said it was more than short enough when I bought it but Gran agreed to taking it up by another five centimetres if it would persuade me to wear it instead of shoving it to the back of my wardrobe.
“I knew it!” she mumbled. “He’s going to be difficult.”
Her face took on that mean expression that she used to have, the one that I hadn’t seen for a few weeks, but to be fair she had got a couple of pins in the corner of her mouth. I was worried to death she might swallow them.
“No, it’s not like that, but he does need help.”
I explained the situation but she still looked doubtful as to whether it was really true.
She put down the sewing, took the pins out and looked around the room.
“Where is he now?”
“Upstairs.”
I listened, chewing little bits from my nails, as Gran rang Reverend Tim.
�
�When will you come?” Gran asked him.
Her eyes flickered over to me. I saw relief but also sorrow in the quiver of her lips.
“How long have we got?” I asked when she pressed the button to end the call. She wasn’t on the phone for long but by the time she’d finished, all that hard work I’d put into growing my nails had been undone.
“Not long. Apparently they never work alone with this sort of thing so provided he can get someone else to help him out they’ll be here this afternoon.”
“That soon?” In my naivety I’d thought it would take at least a day to organise.
“You’ve got to be brave, Laura.”
“I’ll try.”
“I know you will. You don’t think he’ll change his mind?”
I wondered for a moment how well I really knew Dad. How much of a difference these last few weeks had made to our relationship.
“No,” I said with certainty. “I’m sure he won’t.”
“We’ll just have to hope not,” Gran replied. “It will make it much easier if he cooperates.”
“He will. He’s doing this for me. He won’t let me down.”
Before I got the chance to disappear upstairs to find Dad, there was a knock at the back door. It was Sam.
“My dad told me what’s going to happen. I wanted to see if you were okay,” he said.
“No, not really.”
He reached out and touched my arm. I felt a little better. We went and sat on the swing seat.
“Will you be here?” I asked.
“If you want me to be.”
I nodded. “Yes please.”
“How’s your mum?”
“She’s okay but they want to keep her in for another day. Dad wants to have gone before she comes back from the hospital.”
“Probably a good idea.”
I looked up at the sky. “I bet your mum’s up there somewhere, watching over you.”
“Do you think so?”
“Yes, I’m sure of it.”
“Do you think your dad would take a message to her?”
“I can ask him.”
“I wish my mum would come back and see me,” Sam said, “just to let me know that she’s okay. Sometimes when I come back from school I expect to find her in the kitchen, making a pot of tea and taking biscuits out of the oven. I don’t know why because she never lived in the house we’re in now. But it still seems empty without her.”
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