“And besides, cheating douchenozzle broke our prenup by fucking all of Hollywood and not being careful about it. He now owes me a mint. I didn’t want to accept the settlement. Only now I am, I want his money put to good use.”
I was so happy I let my lawyer talk me into enforcing the deal of our prenup. My lawyers told me I deserved Lucas’ money for all the years of pain and suffering. I didn’t believe that to be true; I could’ve left anytime I wanted. I stayed out of some dumb sense of obligation to my father not to tarnish the Nelson name with a divorce, which was laughable because everyone knew what a lying bastard he is.
But what I would do was take Lucas’ money and give it to my centers. He never donated to anything in his life, stingy prick. But he would now, to the tune of one hundred million dollars. That is what he paid for all the ass he screwed over the years. When I brought that to his attention, he laughed in my face and told me it was money well spent. Asshole.
“I love you, Shane. I’ll see ya later.”
I stood up and started to brush the grass off my pants, and I caught a glimpse of the man in the ball cap wiping his eyes before he hurried off.
I gave Shane one last look. “I miss you so much.”
Chapter 4
“Lenox, watch your two o’clock. Direction of movement is east,” Jasper called over from his cover behind a stack of wooden shipping containers.
“Copy that.” I slowed my breathing, my heart rate coming under control.
My cheek was a mere cunt hair away from my black polymer .308 stock, and I had a perfect line of sight down the Leupold Mark4 scope. All I needed to do was wait for this asshole to show himself again.
Silcox had barricaded himself in a room with hostages. We wanted to take him alive to get intel on Roman, but now he’d left us no choice but to eliminate him.
We lost Roman five years ago, and he had only now resurfaced. Silcox was one of his pilots, we’d hoped to bring him in peacefully. Unless he gave himself up, that looked to be a non-option.
When I saw the red hair come into my crosshairs, I blew out a slow breath and pulled the trigger.
“He’s down,” Jasper announced.
“I’m going in,” Clark informed the team.
I kept my .308 dialed in on the building Clark was entering, making sure he had cover as he ran across the street. Even after he ducked into the building, we all continued to watch the street, not taking any chances that this was a setup.
“Clear,” came through the com in my ear. “Room is empty. Not even a desk. Fucking empty. Hostages scattering.”
I watched as five women ran out of the building, two holding infants.
“Goddamn pussy, hiding behind women and children,” I muttered.
“Another dead end. Where the fuck is this asshole?”
“Extraction one, we’re ready for pick up,” Clark called into Command.
“Roger that. Extraction one.”
“At least the Adriatic Sea is nice this time of year. We could be sitting in Afghanistan sweating our balls off,” Jasper said as he shoveled in another bite of his grilled lobster.
He was not wrong. Of all the places our search for Roman had led us, Vis, a small Croatian island, was the nicest. In another life, I could’ve imagined vacationing here. The southern beaches were crystal clear, beautiful rock formations made hidden coves, where vacationers could bask in the warm sun.
She would’ve loved it here. The quaint local shops were right up her alley. I could picture her walking up and down the streets, tugging me behind her as she excitedly poked around the stores.
Another life.
That was a long time ago, and those thoughts were dangerous. However, I couldn’t stop the what ifs. What if I hadn’t been so afraid? What if I had asked her to come with me. What if I had said no when I was approached by Command. Would we have been together? Had a family by now?
Any thoughts of having a wife, or a family, were gone. I made that decision when I said yes. Family had no place in Command. Family was a weakness, something that could and would be used against you. I made my choice, and there was nothing I could do about it now.
“And the women are spectacular,” Clark added as a barely dressed woman walked by. “We have a few hours, boys. Feel free to play, as long as you are ready for wheels up at thirteen hundred tomorrow. Enjoy your R&R. God knows I will.”
Without waiting for us to answer, Clark got up to follow the young woman in the bathing suit.
“Shit, Clark has the right idea. I need to get laid. You up to hit that bar we passed by the hotel?”
I thought back over the last twelve years and tried to remember all the women I had slept with. Hundreds. There was a time, in the beginning, I fucked any and every woman who looked my way. And it was not hard to pick up women. With all of the training we did, each of us had the body of a fitness model. Only our muscle was a necessity, not vanity.
Anything to forget her. Anything to forget the burning regret in my gut. I thought I had fucked her out of my system, but then I saw her again. And everything I thought I had worked out came rushing back.
There I was again nailing a different woman in every city we visited across the world. Some days it was because of all the built-up frustration and adrenaline, and I needed a release. Other times I found women who resembled her so I could pretend like some sick fuck I was with her.
When did this merry-go-round end? I needed to be done once and for all. I had to let the memory of her go. I just didn’t know how.
“Yeah sure. I’ll get a drink with you,” I answered.
Jasper stood and fished out his wallet, throwing a hundred-dollar bill on the table. Much more than was needed. When the beautiful waitress first came over to take our order, Jasper immediately started flirting with her. When she turned him down on his offer for drinks later, she explained it was because she was a single mother living with her parents.
“That will make her day,” I said nodding toward the bill.
“I don’t know what you’re talking about. You ready to go on a pussy hunt?” Typical Jasper saying the crassest thing he could think of to cover up an act of generosity.
Idiot.
“There is something wrong with you. You know that, right?” I laughed.
“That’s what your mama said the last time she kicked me outta bed,” he fired back.
“That’s funny. Because my mama tended to like younger boys. You must be even more fucked up than I thought if that hoe bag kicked you outta her bed.”
And that was the truth. Jasper knew very little about my old life. When we were coming up through selection, I gave him the cliff notes version but never got into the details of my fucked-up family. Jasper knew bits and pieces about her. He didn’t know her name, no one did. I never allowed myself to say her name out loud. She was just a memory now. One I needed to forget.
“That’s fucked, bro. Was your Ma really like that?”
“Yep. She fucked every friend I had in high school. My dad knew too, and couldn’t have cared less. While she was fucking every young male in a fifty-mile radius, my dad was fucking every model who would let him. He was so screwed up, sometimes I would come home from school, and there would be topless models he had just finished with still by the pool. You know what that asshole would do?” I didn’t bother waiting for him to answer. “He would ask me if I wanted a piece, too.”
The fire burned in my gut at the memory. And that is why I had to leave. Why I joined the Army. I could not take my parents’ dysfunction and downright disgusting morals.
“Man, your parents sound jacked.”
“More than you know.”
The walk to the bar was done in silence, each of us scanning the streets and the street vendors as we passed. A hazard of the job; you could never let your guard down.
The bar was packed even in the early after dinner hour. Tourists and locals alike drank together and danced around a small dance floor.
“What can I get you?” an
older woman asked in English.
“That obvious, huh?” I asked. “Any dark beer in a bottle.”
“Just a lucky guess.” She winked at me. “And for you?” She turned to Jasper.
“The same,” he replied.
Jasper and I both only ever ordered bottled beer while in foreign countries. I didn’t need any chance of getting Montezuma’s revenge and shitting my brains out from some weird bacteria. I wouldn’t even chance it by drinking anything that had ice in it.
“Here you boys are. Enjoy.” The bartender slid two bottles of Guinness our way.
“’Preciate it.”
Just as I was about to ask Jasper his thoughts on Roman, two beautiful blondes sat beside us.
“Well, hey there handsome,” the first blonde purred. “You gotta name?”
It was hard holding back my laugh - picking up women was easier than shooting fish in a barrel. What women like these two didn’t understand is men liked the thrill of the chase, we liked to hunt and conquer.
Luckily for them, we were on short time and didn’t have time for the hunt.
“My name is Tom, this here is Brian,” Jasper replied with a fake Texas twang.
“Ohh Sarah, listen to that accent. I’m Stephanie, and this is my sister Sarah. We’re Americans, too. We’re from Vermont.” The older of the two made the introduction. “Well, cowboy Tom, do you wanna go dance? Leave these two here to get to know each other.”
Jasper winked at me and took Sarah’s outstretched hand. “Don’t mind if I do, ma’am.”
Jasper, now in full character of cowboy Tom, pulled Sarah to the dance floor and swayed to the music.
“So, Brian, what do you guys do in Texas?” Stephanie asked. Her voice was soft and nervous.
“Garbage disposal,” I replied.
When you’re making up a lie as a cover, it’s best to stick to as much of the truth as you could. And the truth was I was in the garbage disposal business, just not the garbage she was thinking of.
“That sounds…” she trailed off.
“Boring. I know. Let’s talk about you. What brings you and your sister to beautiful Vis?”
Stephanie blew out a breath before she answered, “That’s boring too. I caught my fiancé with another woman. My sister thought it would be a good idea to take a vacation and find someone to…you know…”
“Ah. Yes, revenge sex. How’s that working out for you?” I asked.
This woman didn’t look like she had an aggressive bone in her body. Not like her sister. She would need someone to woo her and coax her into bed. Now, by the looks of what Sarah was doing to Jasper on the dance floor, they’d be gone within the next ten minutes, disappearing into a closet or bathroom for a quickie.
“We leave tomorrow, and there has been no revenge sex.” Stephanie lowered her gaze to the table. “I’m not the type of woman that a man wants to take home and have sex with.”
“You are right about that. But, wrong about the reasons why. Look at me.” I stopped and waited for her to bring her eyes to mine. “You are a beautiful woman. But you have a way about you that is gentle and timid. For a man that can be intimidating. Let’s just say you don’t put off the one-night stand vibe.”
“What vibe do I give off?” she asked.
“The long-term relationship vibe.”
“Oh, God. I just wanted to come here and have sex. Now you’re telling me I’ve been doing it all wrong. I want to get laid. Is that too much to ask? Sheesh.”
I tossed my head back and laughed.
“No, Stephanie, it’s not. Let’s go.” I stood up and reached my hand down.
Stephanie looked at my hand, then looked at me. “Really?” She smiled.
“Come, sweetheart. I’ll fuck you so long and well, you’ll forget that lying cheating asshole’s name.”
She grabbed my hand, and I led her through the throng of dancing bodies until we found Sarah and Jasper. They were all but fucking on the dance floor.
“We’re outta here. Sarah, I am in room 201 if you need your sister,” I yelled over the music.
“She won’t. Sarah will be all tied up. She asked me to show her some of my rodeo skills. See you in the morning,” Jasper replied.
The women did some strange womanly wave thing with their fingers, and I led Stephanie out of the bar.
By the time we made it to my hotel room, I wondered if she had changed her mind.
“You sure you want this? Revenge sex isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. I don’t want you to wake up tomorrow and regret anything.”
“Have you ever had revenge sex?” she asked.
“No, not revenge sex. But I’ve been using sex as a way to get over someone for the last twelve years,” I answered her honestly.
“Has it worked?” she whispered.
“Yes, for a few hours. But after that, the guilt hits and you wonder if it was worth it.”
“I just want to forget for a few hours. Can we forget together? I’ll worry about the guilt later.” She tried to smile, but it didn’t reach her eyes. This woman was going to regret this in the morning. “Please. I need to forget what I saw. I need to feel something other than his betrayal,” she begged.
Call it a good deed, call it me being a weak douche bag who needed the same thing - I just wanted to forget her for a few hours and get lost in someone else’s body. I would deal with the shame and regret later.
I unlocked the door to the hotel and quickly ushered her in. Before the door fully shut, I had Stephanie in my arms. My lips found hers and my body went on autopilot. No feeling, no emotion. Just numb.
Chapter 5
Twelve years.
How the years had flown by. I was busier than ever with McGrath Carter. My centers were the perfect distraction from the nonsense that was my personal life. Once my father found out my part in the centers, he all but disowned me. He said the centers were fine to fund, but the thought of me actually working in them was insulting to the Nelson name and low class. He thought waving that threat in front of me would deter me from my goals. Little did he know, that was all the push I needed to keep going when things got difficult.
I was finally free of the Nelson curse.
“Hey, Shane. I wish you were here to see what we’ve done with the centers. We have ten up and running. I think they are exactly what you’d envisioned. People helping people. These centers have brought me so much joy. Do you know the last time I wore a designer suit or carried some lame ten-thousand-dollar handbag? Forever ago, that’s when. I am free to be me. I really wished you could’ve been there when I told my father to kiss my ass. I thought he’d stroke out right then and there.”
I stopped speaking and bit my lip. Damn, that last statement might’ve been insensitive.
“I went to your father’s funeral. I know that it is in bad taste to speak ill of the dead so I will refrain. It was a nice funeral. Your mother pulled out all the stops and made sure your father’s send-off was as gaudy and extravagant as humanly possible. I didn’t go back to the house for the party she was having. I hope that’s okay. I thought you’d be alright with me paying my respects graveside.”
I brushed my hand over his name. The headstone needed to be polished. I would have to remember to have someone come out and clean it. Or now that his father was dead, I wondered if I could petition to have his body moved to the National Cemetery where he could be honored as the hero he was.
I raised my face toward the sun and soaked in some of its warmth. It was a busy day at the cemetery. People were milling about, some laying flowers and quickly leaving, and others like me sitting in the grass talking to their loved ones.
The man in the ball cap was sitting, staring at the gravestone in front of him. So many times I wanted to go over and ask him if he was alright, but I always thought better of intruding on his personal time. I wouldn’t appreciate someone trying to talk to me while I was spending time with Shane.
“Remember Rebecca? I know I’ve told you about her. She is my
right-hand woman. Her eldest son just started driving and is now volunteering three nights a week as a tutor for the middle school kids. We had some issues with a few rough kids coming in and trying to cause trouble. But the community as a whole put a stop to that immediately. It actually made the LA Times. Shop owners from up and down the block came to stand in front of the center, not letting the rough kids enter. Rebecca’s husband and son came out and talked with the boys and invited them in. We showed them the rock wall, basketball courts, and asked them if they would come in a few nights a week to teach the smaller kids how to play ball. They’ve been a fixture ever since.”
I tried my hardest not to cry anymore when I came to visit, but I couldn’t help it. Twelve shitty years later and it still hurt. Year after year I sat and talked to Shane like he could hear me. Like he was still alive and cared about what I was doing with my life. How many more years could I come and stare at his name carved into an ugly white piece of granite? God, I hated Shane’s family. White granite for a headstone. Did they not know him at all? He would take a sledgehammer to this ugly thing if he were here.
But Shane would never see it. He’d never hear my words. He’d never love me the way I still love him every day. I’ve tried to move on. I had been fucking married. I’ve had boyfriends. I’ve slept with men. But they were always lacking. No one is Shane. No one made me feel like he did. We shared one kiss, and it was better than any other kiss I ever had. I think I hated him a little for that. His soft lips touching mine and the tangling of our tongues bound me to him forever. Even in death, I was still tied to him.
I worked as much as humanly possible, anything to keep my mind busy. I was thirty-two and lonely.
I put my face in my hands and sobbed.
“I fucking miss you, Shane. I am still lost without you. I don’t know how I will ever get over you. But I hope I do. I hope that one day I’ll be able to move on. I am so lonely.”
“Excuse me, Miss?” I heard from behind me.
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