“The, umm, I guess…”
“That’s what I thought. Or are we talking about when you came back to the US and changed your name to Lillian Lenox so you’d still have a part of me with you? Which I gotta tell you has a beautiful ring to it, but pisses me the fuck off. If you want my last name, you’ll take it when you’re my wife.”
“You’re an arrogant ass.” I folded my hands over my chest. “And I already have it.”
“Damn right I am. But I am your arrogant ass.”
“We definitely like him,” Adam said not trying to whisper this time.
“You’re coming home with me,” Shane said.
“I am home, jerk.”
I really wished we didn’t have an audience for this discussion. So far, I’d held my shit together, but it was becoming increasingly hard not to yell at him or start crying or beg him never to leave me again. Which would’ve been totally pathetic and embarrassing.
“Then, I’ll move here.”
“You can’t live this far from the base.” Now it was my turn to smirk. There problem solved.
“Non-issue. My re-enlistment is up in sixty days. I’m out,” he replied, matching my smile.
“What? No! You can’t quit your job. You love your team. I won’t let you, Shane. All you ever wanted to do was be in the Army.” Tears formed and spilled down my cheeks. “Nothing has changed. I won’t let you stop being who you were meant to be. You’ll hate me for it. That’s why I left; you said that you couldn’t be a husband and an operator at the same time. I won’t let you choose. I don’t want to be with you. You should go home and forget about me, you’ll be better off. And take them with you.” I pointed to Jasper, Levi, and Clark.
I couldn’t be here anymore. Shane needed to leave, and I had to move. If I had any chance of getting over him, I couldn’t live anywhere there were memories of him.
“Goodbye, Shane.”
Chapter 22
I watched Lily walk down the hall, leaving me standing in the kitchen with her friends. She looked absolutely stunning. I didn’t think it was possible for her to get any more beautiful but she was. Seeing her pregnant did crazy things to me. I felt like I was ten feet tall and invincible knowing that my baby was growing in her belly.
Imagine my surprise when I walked in and found a guy in her kitchen telling her she needed a man. My temper exploded, and I saw red. When he caught Lily, the sight of her pressed up against his bare chest was enough for me to commit murder. The only thing that had saved his life was the fact he was very obviously gay and that the other man we saw leaving was his boyfriend.
“I’m Adam. This is Anthony,” the bare-chested one said.
“I’m Lenox. This is Clark, Jasper, and Levi.” I pointed to each one respectively.
I eyed Adam. He looked like he had something to say, but Anthony was shaking his head.
“Say it,” I invited.
“I’m assuming you came here to get Lily back,” Adam said.
Anthony looked like he’d choked down a lemon but crossed his arms over his chest and stood by his man. Their posture made it seem as if they were worried I was going to jump over the island and attack at any moment. Depending on his next words, I might’ve.
“You’d be right,” I confirmed.
“Bout time. I was wondering when you’d show up. Hate to ask this, because you look like you can kick my ass. But, she told me about your fight, so I have to. You ready for her and the baby?”
I had to give it to the guy, he had brass balls questioning me about my intentions with Lily. I damn near took my own teammate’s head off for asking the same question. I debated whether or not to tell the guy to mind his own business, but I didn’t think that would be in my best interest at the moment. Clark was right, I needed all the back-up I could get. I decided on honesty instead.
“I screwed up by telling Lily she was better off without me. I royally fucked up telling her I didn’t love her. I’ve loved that woman since we were in high school, but I was just too much of a pansy ass to claim her. That’s done now. I’m willing to do anything to get her to forgive me and come home,” I explained.
Adam seemed to mull over my words before he nodded his head. “You’re gonna need some privacy and the pint of the banana ice cream; it’s in the freezer. It’s her favorite,” Adam said. He turned and looked at the guys. “We live two houses over, the green one to the left. We have plenty of room if you guys want to come over and let these two talk,” he offered.
Clark shrugged his shoulders like he didn’t care one way or the other. Levi nodded in agreement. And Jasper, he had a smartassed grin on his face. I knew by the look he had that what was about to come out of his mouth was going to piss me off.
“That’s a stellar idea. As soon as these two love birds make up, we’ll need earplugs. Trust and believe that. Please tell me you have some Jack over at your place or at least beer? It was a long-ass drive. And lover boy here,” Jasper stopped and pointed at me, “was in such a hurry he wouldn’t let us stop to pick some up. Even though I told him I needed beer to go with my chips. I figured we were in for a show, might as well have some refreshments.”
Fucking Jasper, always had to be a wiseass. I don’t think he knew how to take anything seriously. The woman I loved hated my guts, I made that happen, and his dumb ass wanted me to stop so he could get snacks like he was going to the movies. Jackass!
Adam and Anthony both laughed. “You’re in luck, friend, I’m a bartender, and we have a fully stocked bar. We also have three guest rooms. Though I’m not sure which one of you is gonna fit in the twin sized bed we have in the smallest room, but I do know it’s gonna be funny as hell to watch,” Anthony said.
“I knew there was a reason I loved Lily. Of course she would have a bartender for a friend.” Jasper slapped Levi on the back. “You ready for a little rematch?”
“We’re not playing Go Fish ever again. You fucking cheat,” Levi said.
“It’s not my fault I have a damn near photographic memory,” Jasper told him.
I can’t believe these two idiots were standing in Lily’s kitchen talking about Go Fish and I was still standing there listening to them argue when Lily was so close I could smell her flowery perfume. God, I missed her smell. I needed to find her.
“You two are morons. And Jasper, your memory sucks. You cheat. Now, get the hell outta here. I want to talk to Lily.”
“Good luck,” Adam said as he picked up a platter of watermelon.
“Man, I haven’t played Go Fish since grade school. I’ll play the winner.” Anthony grabbed the plate with the burgers and started for the front door.
Jesus. I was surrounded by a bunch of adolescents. Clark waited for everyone to leave the room before coming close. “She loves you, Shane. No matter what she says to you, you have to remember that. She’s gonna fight you. She has to, to save face. You not only broke her heart but hurt her pride as well. Good luck.”
I scrubbed my hands over my face. He was right; I was in for the battle of my life, but I was ready. “Copy that.”
Clark left me standing in the kitchen gathering my thoughts when it hit me. Clark had never, not once, called me Shane. I knew without a doubt that Lily loved Shane, but I wasn’t a hundred percent confident that she loved Lenox. I had to formulate a plan and a good one. When I discussed how I was going to win Lily back with the guys, I told them I was going to appeal to her sensible side. All three of them had laughed and told me good old-fashioned begging and pleading would work better. I didn’t care what I had to do to get her back. The only thing I knew for certain was I was not leaving here without Lily and my baby. Lily was the most important thing in my life. She was my first love, my only love. Lily was my salvation, the baby was simply an added reward. I wanted them both, but I needed Lily to know that I loved her - baby or no baby.
I made my way down the hall and found a closed door at the end. I didn’t bother knocking, it didn’t matter if she answered the door or not; either way, I wa
s going in. When I entered my gut twisted and guilt washed over me. Lily was lying on the bed curled in a ball. Even from the door, I could hear her soft sobs. Fuck. I am a complete dick.
I didn’t bother saying a word as I climbed into the bed behind her, pulling her to me and wrapping my arms around her. My hands going to her pregnant belly, I closed my eyes and savored the feel of her. It was surreal knowing she was growing and nurturing our child. There were no words for what I felt at that moment, it only strengthened my resolve to win Lily back. I needed her more than anything in this world. My life would be meaningless without her.
“Are we gonna talk about the baby?” She broke the silence.
“No,” I answered her. We had other things to discuss first.
“Don’t you think we should talk about this? I understand if…”
It infuriated me she was about to suggest that I was the type of man who would or could walk away from her and my child, even if I had given her every reason to doubt me.
“Do not finish that statement, Lily. We’ll talk about the baby later. There are more important things that we need to discuss first,” I informed her. Lily tried to pull away from me, and my grip tightened carefully, making sure not to put too much pressure on her stomach. “Don’t move.”
“Let me go. I want to sit up.”
“Oh no. We need to talk, and I haven’t touched you for over five months.”
“And whose fault is that?” Her body stiffened, but she stopped struggling.
I was hoping for a few more minutes to think about what I was going to say to her and just enjoy the feel of her.
“It’s mine. All of this is my fault. There is so much I am sorry for. But, the first thing you gotta know is everything you said about me in Big Bear was the truth. I was being a coward and a liar. It was fucked up, and I will never stop being sorry for that. I thought that if I made you hate me, it would be easier for you to move on without me. You could be happy and live a normal life. I thought I had this stupid plan all worked out, but I forgot one important thing: you are the other half of my soul. You own me. I’ve spent every minute I was away from you missing you, going all the way back to the moment I left for basic. I’ve tried to be the better person and let you go. I can’t do it anymore. I wasted so many years pushing my feelings for you aside, and I don’t know if I can ever make up for that. But if you give me a chance, I swear to you I will spend every day of the rest of my life trying. You’re my best friend.”
“I can’t,” she whispered.
“Tell me what to do so you can,” I pleaded.
“There’s nothing you can do.”
She began to shake in my arms, and I gently turned her. I needed to see her face. Tears leaked from the corners of her tightly closed eyes. “Look at me, sweetheart.”
“Please just go.” Lily kept her eyes closed and tried to hide her face.
I didn’t know how to do this; the Army didn’t teach me how to plead and beg for my girl’s forgiveness. I was messing this up, and if I didn’t figure out a way to fix it, I was going to lose her forever.
“I’m not going anywhere. I love you, and my life doesn’t work without you.”
“Don’t say that. Do you know how hard this is for me? I have spent years trying to get over your death. Then you magically pop back to life, and I forgave you for that betrayal. But I can’t forgive you for leaving me a second time. For months and months I’ve tried to stop loving you and move on with my life. And now you barge back into my life after you told me I’d never see you again and I’ll have to start all over again. It’s not just me anymore. I have to worry about what’s right for the baby.”
There was hope. She’d given me the in I needed. She said tried to stop loving me, not that she had stopped. Relief washed over me.
“Please, look at me.” She was so damn stubborn that when she finally opened her eyes, she tried to look at anything and everything except me. However, I was a patient man - I’d wait forever if I had to. She must’ve run out of stuff to look at because she finally brought her shiny brown eyes to me and they were full of hurt. I did that to her. “I’m a fool. I’m trying to make this right. I’m going to fight for us, please stay and fight with me. I know I hurt you, I know I screwed up. But Lily, we are gonna move past this - there is no other option. Let’s not forget you fucked up as well. When I tried to talk to you after we found you, you spouted off and lied too, pushing me away. And there is the baby. You walked away from me knowing that you were pregnant. And planned on keeping my child away from me.”
“I did that for you,” she said.
“For me? What the fuck? How is taking my kid and running for me?” I had to keep my mouth in check. As pissed off as I was about the baby, after talking with Jasper I could understand why she did what she did. As irrational and wrong as I thought it was, I got it. Getting mad about it now and losing my temper would do me no good. I had to let it go.
“You ripped my heart out,” she cried. “I kept the baby a secret so you could live your life and not have to worry about us. I wasn’t going to trap you. I knew you’d stay with me if you knew I was pregnant. I don’t want to be an obligation, I won’t let you leave the 707. You’ll end up hating me and resenting the baby.”
“I know I did.” I took her face in my hands, making sure I had her full attention. “I was scared. I know now I can be good for you and still be good at my job. I could never hate you. Even if I left the 707 - you are worth it. Our family is more important to me than any job.” I didn’t wait for her to respond or tell me that I couldn’t fix what I’d broken. I brought my lips to hers and took her mouth. She tasted like my past, my present, my home. I devoured her and poured every ounce of love I had into that kiss. I had to make her remember. “I need you to forget everything else and feel.”
She moaned into my mouth and brought her hands to my tee, twisting it and pulling me closer. Her protruding belly preventing me from getting as close as I’d like.
“I love you, Lily.” My hands wandered over her body, even with my eyes closed I knew every curve, every inch, every secret spot - it was all mine. “I’m gonna make you remember, I will make it impossible for you to leave me.”
Something nudged my stomach, and I pulled back. “What was that?” I asked.
Lily’s face lit up, and her eyes sparked to life. “The baby kicked.”
“Holy shit, really?” I slid down her body and pulled her shirt up as I went, exposing her smooth, soft skin. I had never touched a bare pregnant belly before. Her stomach was tight and a perfect round shape. “Hi, baby,” I whispered.
This time I saw it rather than felt it. My heart exploded with a love I’d never felt before. It was a different love than what I felt for Lily. Not more, not better, just different. A love a parent has for their child, unconditional and everlasting.
“Thank you,” I choked out, so overcome with emotion I didn’t care that tears had formed in my eyes. I wanted Lily to see how grateful I was for the gift she had given me.
Reality hit. I was going to be a father. Lily and I had created a life, a family.
Chapter 23
He was here!
His lips were on my belly, and he was talking to the baby. I had spent so many nights crying and wishing that he was around to share this with me. Every time I felt the baby kick and move I questioned my every decision and my motives behind them. I was racked with guilt. I knew it was wrong to keep the baby from him and to deprive my child the love of his father, but I didn’t know what else to do. I only wanted him to be happy.
Now here we were. My life, my happiness, and that of my child hung in the balance. We had both made so many mistakes and said hurtful things I was worried there was no coming back from that. But what the hell did I know about relationships? I wasn’t raised in a happy home with loving parents who taught me what it meant to be partners with someone. My father was a selfish philanderer who only thought of himself and money. I never felt loved or cared for. The only per
son in my life who ever gave that to me was Shane, even though it was in a completely platonic and innocent way. It was easy and natural with us. We’ve always loved each other.
“I love you so much, I was willing to walk away and lose you if that meant you would be happy. I don’t want you to give up anything to be with me. I was too afraid you’d end up detesting me for all the sacrifices you’d have to make,” I admitted.
“As long as you are by my side I can never lose. You are my heart and my home. This baby doesn’t trap me, he is our happily ever after. Don’t take that from us, Lily. I know your intentions were good, but you made the wrong choice. We both did. Let’s fix this and move on,” he pleaded.
He was right; we were both at fault. Maybe the scales were balanced, each of our mistakes weighed just as heavy as the other’s. I let his words soak in and remembered my life before he came back - it was sad and lonely. Then I tried to imagine my future without him by my side. It was the same dark, lonely place. Shane was not wrong, there was no other option. He was it for me, too. There was no one else in this world I would rather spend my life with. But knowing that still didn’t mean I knew how to move past the mistakes.
“I’m sorry I lied and kept the baby from you. Can you forgive me?” I asked.
“Already forgotten. No looking back, we are going forward.”
When his head lifted off my belly and his face came into clear view, only love and joy shined back.
“I missed you so much,” I cried. The weight of the moment bore down on me. I could’ve lost him forever. Jasper was right, a thousand lifetimes wouldn’t be enough to get over him.
Shane pulled himself up my body and kissed the tears off my cheeks. “Don’t cry. No more tears, no more sadness. Only happiness from here on out. Me, you, and Carter.”
The mention of our son’s name only made the tears flow faster. I could’ve ruined that, too. All because of bad choices and fear.
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