by Lily Brett
Ruth shuddered. Why had she had to use the term “containing himself”? It was too sexual a metaphor for that sentence. And then the words
“leaked” to Zofia. She didn’t want to think of her father not being able to contain himself or leaking anything, with Zofia. She shuddered again.
Edek was back. “Are you ready for lunch?” he said to Ruth.
“Yes,” she said quickly. She didn’t want to give Edek the opportunity of inviting Zofia or Walentyna to lunch.
“I must go and find Zofia,” Walentyna said. “We are going to visit the site of Schindler’s factory.”
“Don’t take a guide,” Ruth said. “Unless you want to hear about Steven Spielberg.”
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“Why do you have to say such things?” Edek said to Ruth, after Walentyna had left. “Maybe Walentyna does want to hear about Steven Spielberg.”
“That’s probably exactly what she wants to hear about,” Ruth said.
“There is nothing wrong with that,” Edek said.
“I want people to hear about the Jews or about Oskar Schindler before they hear about Steven Spielberg.”
“What does it matter?” Edek said.
“It matters,” Ruth said.
“It does not change anything what did happen to the Jews,” Edek said.
A couple, a man and woman, in their sixties, were standing next to Ruth and Edek.
“I couldn’t help overhearing your conversation,” the woman said. “I’m Sylvia Rosenzweig and this is my husband Tommy,” she said. “We want to go to the Jewish cabaret at the Samson Restaurant tonight. Do you know if we have to book tickets?”
“Don’t bother going,” Ruth said to Tom and Sylvia Rosenzweig. “It’s just a lot of anti-Semitic drivel. There’s nothing Jewish about this cabaret.”
Both Rosenzweigs looked shocked.
“I heard it was a Jewish cabaret,” Sylvia Rosenzweig said.
“That’s what they advertise,” Ruth said.
“Why?” said Tommy.
“I don’t know,” said Ruth. The Rosenzweigs left, shaking their heads.
“Why did you say this?” Edek said. “You are upsetting every Jewish person what is traveling in Poland, and every Polish person what you do meet.”
“There is a lot to be upset about,” Ruth said.
Edek looked happier when they were having lunch. His irritation with her seemed to have diminished. Eating often made him happy. Ruth thought about that sentence. It was incorrect. Eating always made her father happy.
It seemed to be an obvious consequence of years of starvation. Or maybe he had been that way before the war. There had been so many maybes in Ruth’s thoughts about Edek’s and Rooshka’s lives.
Ruth and Edek were in a small restaurant in Mikolájska Street, just off the Rynek Glówny. The restaurant specialized in pierogi. Edek had chosen T O O M A N Y M E N
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a selection of beef pierogi, veal pierogi, and potato and cheese pierogi.
Ruth was eating chicken soup again. Her stomach was unsettled. Feeling ill had its advantages, she thought. She had never had so little trouble resisting food.
Edek was eating unusually fast. He always ate speedily, but something about today’s speed alarmed Ruth. She looked at him. He had nearly finished the pierogi. His good mood seemed to have vanished with the beef, veal, and potato and cheese pierogi. Suddenly he put down his knife and fork. He banged the table with his right hand. “I have made a decision,”
he said.
Ruth’s heart sank. What was she going to hear now? She put down her spoon. She tried to steady herself in preparation for what she was about to hear. What was Edek’s decision? It sounded more decisive than a decision to order more pierogi or have a slice of cake.
“I have something to tell you, Ruthie,” Edek said.
Ruth shook her head. Whatever it was, she didn’t want to know about it. “Why do you shake your head?” Edek said.
“I know more than I need to know about a number of things,” Ruth said. “I don’t need to hear anything else. I’m already overloaded.”
“But you do always want to know things,” Edek said.
“Not now,” Ruth said. “I don’t want to know about Zofia, I don’t want to know about Garth. I don’t want to know about anything. I just want to go home.”
“This is not to do with Zofia,” Edek said, “and it is not to do with Garth. I did tell you everything what there was to tell about Garth.”
“It’s not?” Ruth said. “Then, what is it?”
“I do need to go back to Lódz,” he said.
“You want to go back to Lódz?” Ruth said. “But you couldn’t wait to get out of the place. You hated being there.”
“I did not hate it,” Edek said.
“You weren’t happy there,” said Ruth.
“What person in my position would be happy to be in Lódz?” Edek said.
“Exactly,” said Ruth. “So why do you want to go back?”
“I want to go only for one hour or two hours,” Edek said.
Ruth felt frightened. They had spent three days in Lódz. Why hadn’t
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Edek done whatever it was that he wanted to do then? What was different now? She started to tremble.
“What is wrong, Ruthie?” Edek said.
“I’m just cold,” she said.
She wondered where the chill in her bones had arrived from. Her teeth started chattering. She wanted to put on her coat, but she couldn’t move.
She could feel her lips turning blue. “I’m frightened,” she said to Edek.
“There is nothing to be frightened of, Ruthie,” he said. It didn’t reassure her. If she became any more immobile, she thought, her blood would halt. It would just stop in whatever artery or vein it happened to be cours-ing through. And she would be frozen stiff. “This is not something to be frightened about,” Edek said.
“Could you help me put my coat on?” Ruth said. Edek got up and helped Ruth on with the coat.
“I do only want to go for one hour or two hours maximum,” he said.
One or two hours, she thought. What could they discover in one or two hours that could be so bad? Why did she think it would be a discovery?
Maybe Edek wanted one last look at Kamedulska Street. She held her teeth together to stop her jaw from making its involuntary movements.
“There is probably nothing there,” Edek said.
“I thought we had established that,” said Ruth.
“I have to dig a little bit,” Edek said. Dig, Ruth thought. Dig where?
Why did her father always speak in such cryptic, clipped sentences?
“Dig where?” said Ruth.
“In Kamedulska Street, of course,” Edek said. Ruth was startled. “My cousin Herschel did bury something there,” Edek said.
“So the old man was right,” Ruth said. “There is something buried there.”
“There was something buried there,” Edek said. “I do not know if it is still there.”
“It is still there,” she said suddenly. Edek looked at her. He looked disturbed. She was disturbed herself. Why did she have to say things like that?
It had come out of her mouth, with no warning. It is still there. The words had been uttered before she had even known about them.
“How do you know this?” Edek said.
“I don’t know,” she said quietly. “I’m probably just guessing.”
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“I did never tell you about this,” Edek said.
“It was just a guess,” Ruth said. Edek looked at her suspiciously. “It was a guess,” she said, “and I had a fifty percent chance of being right. Whatever it is is going to be there or not be there.”
“Do you know what it is?” Edek said.
“It’s something small,” Ruth said. Edek shook his head. He looked a
bit pale. “I don’t know why I said that,” Ruth said.
“It is something very small, Ruthie,” Edek said quietly.
“It was just a good guess, Dad,” she said. “I’ve always been good at guessing.” Edek looked carefully at her. He looked unnerved.
“I do not think it is a guess,” he said.
“Of course it is,” she said. “It’s a logical guess. If it had been something big, those Poles would have found it in a flash.” Ruth felt the back of her neck. It was damp. She was in a cold sweat. “It was an intelligent guess, Dad,” she said, and laughed in order to lighten the atmosphere.
“Maybe you are right,” Edek said.
“It wasn’t gold?” Ruth said. Edek laughed. “No, Ruthie darling, it was not gold.”
“I thought we’d never go to Lódz again,” she said.
“What do you think?” Edek said. “That I did think I would go many times more? I did think I was finished with Lódz.”
“We might as well stay at the Grand Victoria again,” Ruth said. She cheered up. If they were going to go back to Lódz, there were things to be organized. Travel arrangements. A hotel. The organization required for the trip to Lódz revitalized her. There was a normality to arrangements. To schedules and bookings and dates and appointments. She loved to know hotel rates and airline prices and train schedules. She used to read train schedules, sometimes, for relaxation.
She had a copy of the Long Island Railroad timetable in her desk at work. She loved the precision of the schedules, the destinations, and the times. A train scheduled to leave Penn Station at 7:03 A.M. was scheduled to arrive at its destination at 9:07 A.M. It was a wonderful world of order and certainty. Max had decimated Ruth’s pleasure in the Long Island Railroad schedule one day by telling her that that particular railroad company was never on time.
“Why do we need to go to a hotel?” Edek said.
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“Because we need a base. We need to get a shovel. We need to organize ourselves.”
“Okay,” said Edek. “There is probably nothing there,” he said after a couple of minutes. Ruth didn’t say anything. She knew that whatever was there, was there. The knowledge frightened her.
“What is it, Dad?” she said. “What’s buried there?”
“I will tell you, Ruthie,” he said, “I will tell you, in Lódz. It is not such an easy story.” Ruth felt sick again.
“It is nothing to do with you, Ruthie,” Edek said “It is nothing to do with you.”
“I’ll get the doorman to get us a shovel,” Ruth said. “Maybe I’ll ask him to come with us. He’ll keep that old couple at bay.”
“You was not so nice to this doorman,” Edek said. “I, myself, was always nice to him. It can never hurt to be on someone’s good side.”
“You’re right, Dad,” she said. She was glad they had tipped the doorman well.
She couldn’t believe that they were going back to Lódz. And for what?
For something that was buried in the ground, fifty-two years ago. If it was in the ground, it couldn’t be too frightening. That was a ludicrous thought, she thought. She had spent half of her life tormented by buried beings.
This was something very small, though. Too small to be a being. How big did a being have to be to be a being?
Ruth shook her head. She had to stop driving herself crazy with abstract riddles. She thought of a distraction. What was it that Edek had said before? He had said that what he wanted to tell her was not about Zofia, and not about Garth. He said he had told her all there was to tell about Garth. He didn’t say the same about Zofia. Was that an ominous omission?
Did it mean there was something he was not revealing about Zofia?
“Should we look for a driver with a Mercedes to drive us to Lódz?”
Edek said.
“Drive us to Lódz?” Ruth said. “I don’t want to drive to Lódz. We’ve got no time, anyway. I want to go home. We’ll fly to Lódz.”
“Are you sure?” said Edek. “We been very comfortable in the cars.”
“I want to fly,” Ruth said. “I want to get there and I want to leave. I don’t want to hang around Poland. I’ve had enough of Poles, and enough of the Polish countryside. I’ve had enough shrines and crosses and Virgin T O O M A N Y M E N
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Marys and Christs on crosses. I’ve had enough pastel Madonnas to last me a lifetime. I’ve seen more sweet-faced donkeys and their sour-expressioned owners than I ever needed to see.” Edek looked alarmed. Ruth’s voice had been rising and rising. People were staring at them.
“Column down, Ruthie,” Edek said. “Column down.”
“It’s calm, not column,” she shouted.
“Okay, colm,” Edek said. “Colm down.”
“I’m sorry,” she said.
“It got too much for you, Ruthie, the whole trip,” Edek said.
“It sure did,” she said.
Several people in the restaurant were still staring at her. One of them was a priest. Ruth stared back at him. “Don’t look so sanctimonious,” she said to him. “Your crowd doesn’t have a wonderful war record.” She hoped that he understood English.
“Ruthie, Ruthie, what has got into you?” Edek said. There was that question, again. Nothing had got into her. All of this had been inside her for a long time.
“I hate them,” she said.
“Who?” he said.
“The Polish priests,” Ruth said. “Especially the older ones. They pre -
tend to be so pious.”
“You cannot hate everybody,” Edek said.
“I didn’t, before I came to Poland,” she said. What was happening to her? Where was her compassion? Her humanity? She hated who she was turning into more than she hated the Poles. She had to get out of this spiral of hatred.
“Can we leave this afternoon?” she said to Edek.
“You want to leave today?” Edek said.
“Yes,” she said.
“Why not tomorrow?” he said.
“I need to get out of Poland,” Ruth said.
“You was the one who did want to come to Poland,” Edek said.
“Well, I’ve had enough,” she said. “I want to go home.”
“Okay, okay,” Edek said. “We can go to Lódz today.”
“Thanks, Dad,” she said. “I’ll make the airline and hotel reservations.
I’ll see if I can get a flight around six o’clock.”
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“That is fine with me,” Edek said.
Ruth worried briefly that she had wanted to leave Kraków early in order to leave Edek little time for Zofia. She dismissed the worry. Edek hadn’t mentioned Zofia. There were far bigger things on Edek’s mind. Bigger things. Like Zofia’s breasts. She had to stop thinking about Zofia’s breasts.
Up until now, she had considered smaller breasts to be superior.
“I will have to say good-bye to Zofia and Walentyna,” Edek said. Had she telegraphed her thoughts about Zofia’s breasts to Edek? How absurd, she thought. Thoughts couldn’t be telegraphed. Zofia’s breasts had probably been in Edek’s thoughts all morning. They didn’t need telegraphing.
“That’s a good idea,” Ruth said.
Zofia and Walentyna were both agitated. Ruth could see their agitation, as soon as she stepped out of the elevator. The two women were standing in a tense huddle in the lounge with Edek. Ruth could see the turbulence in the air. Zofia was waving her arms and shaking her shoulders. Walentyna was nodding. Ruth could see the exclamations and declarations.
Zofia saw Ruth. “You are going so soon?” she called out to Ruth. Ruth walked over to the group. “You are going so soon?” Zofia said again. Zofia looked hurt. Wounded. As though Ruth had somehow plotted this departure.
“We have to go,” Ruth said. “My father discovered something he needed to do in Lódz.”
“You could go tomorrow,” Zofia said. Walentyna nodded
.
“I have to get back to New York,” Ruth said.
“She does,” Edek said. “She does have a big business what she must look after.”
“A small business,” Ruth said. “But a business that needs my attention.”
Zofia still looked wounded. “If you are ever in New York,” Ruth said to Zofia, “please feel welcome to call me.” Ruth looked at Walentyna, to make sure she knew she, too, was included in the invitation. Neither of the women answered.
“It is time that we have to go,” Edek said to the two women. “Poland is not so good for my daughter. It is not so good for me, too, to tell you the truth.”
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“Of course, dear Edek, of course,” Zofia said.
“Of course,” Walentyna said.
“It’s been nice meeting you,” Ruth said to Walentyna.
“For me it has been a pleasure to get to know you and to get to know Edek,” Walentyna said. “I think you are a brave girl.”
“I’m not a girl,” Ruth said. “I’m a rapidly aging woman. I’m exhausted.
But thank you anyway.”
“You are a brave girl,” Walentyna said.
Zofia had taken Edek to one side, and was saying something in a low voice to him. Ruth strained to hear her. “My darling Edek,” Zofia was saying, “I will call you every day until you come to Sopot.” Edek laughed.
“We have to go,” Ruth said loudly, and walked over to where Zofia and Edek were standing.
“What is Melbourne like?” Zofia said to Ruth.
“Damp and gray,” Ruth said.
“Like Poland,” Zofia said, nodding her head. “Maybe I will come to Melbourne,” Zofia said to Edek.
“We have to go,” Ruth said again. Zofia threw her arms around Edek. “I will see you very soon, dear Edek.” Edek laughed. Zofia turned to Ruth.
“Good-bye, Ruthie,” she said. She put her arms around Ruth and gave her a hug. Ruth stiffened in mid-hug. She wished she hadn’t. She didn’t want to hurt Zofia. She was leaving. She was sure they would never see Zofia again.
Ruth gave Walentyna a hug. “Good-bye,” she said to Walentyna.
Walentyna kissed Edek on the cheek. “You are two brave people,” she said to Edek.
“Who?” Zofia said. “Me and Edek?”
“No,” Walentyna said. “Edek and Ruthie.” Zofia glared at Walentyna, then she turned back to Edek. “Bye bye, dear Edek,” she said.