Chapter 3
She’s looking at Hannah, touching her hair softly like she’s a puffy cloud of freshness and life in an otherwise dreary world. I like that look. I imagine that’s how I look when I hold her.
What she said about her stepdad doesn’t shock me like she thinks it should. A stepdad trying to whore her out, or use her to get ahead, is not a new concept in the world I live in. Some people have it a lot worse. Like Jake. He has it worse. “That sucks.” I look at the ring of darker gray around her light gray irises. Her eyes are breathtaking. As pretty as mine are ugly. As calming as mine are disturbing.
She raises an eyebrow.
“Why’d you run? Where are you going?” I’m more breathless than I’d like to be.
“I don’t know.”
She’s afraid and confused. Her adrenaline is fading. Underneath she’s a scared girl who’s seen too much and it’s made her all mixed up.
And I can’t let her go.
“You can stay with me until you know.” I felt myself say it and I am filled with anxiety. What am I doing? What am I going to do with her? What if she never knows?
She looks at me. She can’t hide her apprehension. She’s thinking nothing in life is free. She’s thinking it might be okay, I don’t seem that bad, if that’s what it takes to have a safe place to sleep for the night.
She doesn’t know me, though. “You don’t owe me anything,” I tell her quietly. “Can you keep up? Jake and I have a system and we keep up with each other and help each other. We both know how it feels to have no place you want to go. So you can stay, but this is serious.”
“I’ll try. What’s her name?” she asks quietly, watching Hannah sleep.
“Hannah.”
“She’s beautiful.” She touches her little baby fingers. “You’re rich, huh? Got lots of money?”
“My parents do,” I tell her. “I’m still in school so I haven’t made my fortune yet. Although I made a lot of money selling essays last year. Until I got caught and had to lay low.” I stand and move to my closet. I pull out a t-shirt for her to sleep in.
“College?” She takes the t-shirt as I hand it to her.
“Yeah. I’m taking the fall session off so I can find a job. I’ll be right back.” I take Hannah back to her room and lay her in her crib. I wonder if she’ll remember me at all when she grows up. I guess it doesn’t matter. I’ll be gone before she’s old enough to care.
The girl is sitting on the edge of my bed but she’s just wearing the t-shirt.
I turn away from her to undress. I’m shy and she is seventeen. I don’t want to see her look at my body because at this point she is still a child. But I can feel her watching me, and as I turn back around I see she is watching me. I don’t want to feel exhilaration.
I motion for her to get up and she does. I pull back the covers and she slips in, scooting over and I lie next to her. She faces me, lying on her side while I’m on my stomach. “What’s your story then?” she asks.
“It’s personal.”
“Why?”
“Because it is.”
The door to the bathroom opens and Jake comes out, toweling his hair. I hope she doesn’t find him attractive. I don’t want to think that way, but I do. Dammit, Ezra.
“You guys look cozy,” Jake says, throwing the towel at a hamper in my closet.
Irritation is glowing around her and it makes me feel better.
“Calm down, Chiquita,” he says. He turns off the lamp and we’re engulfed in darkness as he gets into bed on the other side of her.
I feel her stiffen.
“Don’t worry,” I assure her. “He likes his women blonde and dumb.” Which is funny because she’s blonde, I don’t think she’s dumb though. I think she’s good at hiding her sharpness.
“That’s why I like you so much, Easy,” he says, getting situated.
Which is funny because I am not blonde, and my dumbness can be debated. “Trust me, you’re safe. He doesn’t like sleeping with girls, he likes to fuck them and go to sleep. He’s not a cuddler.”
“Ezra knows,” he murmurs.
“What about you?” she asks.
Jake looks at me with that stupid look, wondering how I’ll answer.
“I don’t know. It’s been a long time.” I tell her honestly. It’s the best policy.
“You look sad.” She’s looking into my eyes through the dark.
“He is. You should give him a BJ,” Jake murmurs again, turning onto his side, away, falling asleep immediately.
She’s close to me and looking at me with those eyes. I’m always thinking about the other girl though, the bad one who screwed me forever.
I can’t handle this.
I get up and lock myself in my closet, making a pillow out of a sweatshirt and closing my eyes.
I wake to a noise, like a cry of surprise.
I get up, my heart racing. I’m so tired and sleepy I can barely open my eyes. My neck is sore. I enter my room and find Micah sitting on my bed, rubbing his eyes, and Jake looking at him sleepily. The girl is sitting, looking at the little boy like he blew her mind and doesn’t quite know what he is.
“Micah,” I whisper loudly. “What are you doing?”
“I had a bad dream, and I tried to go to Abby’s room but she told me to go away and go to bed. But I can’t go back in there because you didn’t check for monsters before I went to sleep because you weren’t here. Father told me not to go in here because you’re a sinner. But I love you and you’re the only one who can get rid of the monsters. Abby said you left forever. I don’t want you to leave. I’ll be all alone and he scares me. I’m sorry I scared her and I didn’t knock.”
I fill with rage and sorrow. I hug him and hold him. He wipes his snotty little nose on my chest as I carry him back to his room. I put him on his bed and I check for monsters. “So, what’s the monster look like?”
“Like Peter Pan’s shadow.”
“Well, then, let’s open the window for him so he can leave. Maybe he’s not a monster at all. Maybe he’s lost.” I open the window, feeling the humid summer nighttime flow in. I tuck him in and kneel beside him. “Would you like to say a prayer?”
He nods.
I close my eyes and hold his hands and press my forehead to his. “Dear God, look after Micah and protect him from fear and everything bad. Please help him to know that whatever happens, I will always be thinking about him and I’ll always love him. Please give him the strength to love you and know the truth about things, even when he’s being told different. Please look after him and Hannah for me because I can’t. In Jesus’ name, amen.”
“Amen,” he says in his sleepy, baby voice.
“I’ll sit with you ‘til you fall asleep,” I whisper. He’s already fading, eyes closed and peaceful.
Hannah is crying again. I exit his and enter her room and pick her up. She’s trying to get milk out of her hand. I pacify her and take her bottle with us as we walk to the kitchen.
Oh shit. I should have looked at the time. I’m staring right into the eyes of the devil himself as he eats breakfast. I walk past him to put a fresh bottle in the bottle warmer.
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“Getting Hannah’s bottle.”
“I pay somebody to do that.”
“She doesn’t work at night.” I tell him.
He looks at his wrist watch and goes back to eating. “That’s for your mother or sister to do. She doesn’t need you manhandling her.”
The red crawls up my throat. His thinking boggles my mind. There are real bad people out there and he gives me the most grief. He’s a defense attorney. I’m not the most fucked up person he’s met but he treats me like I am.
“Good morning, son,” my mother says from the doorway.
“Since when do you address him before me?” he grumbles, still reading his paper.
“I didn’t see you there. Good morning, Caleb,” she says, quiet, lowering her head.
“Ta
ke that baby. What’s he doing with her anyway? Have you been allowing this?”
She comes to take her, but I’m not letting her. She doesn’t know what to do so she smiles at me weakly. “Yes. He loves her very much and has always been good with the babies.”
“Then it’s you that’s turned him into this abomination. Take that child, Judith.”
She stands, looking into my eyes with her sea green ones. Her hair is red and curly like Abigail’s. Their eyes aren’t the same color. My mother’s eyes are beautiful, Abby’s are bright and smart.
I’m holding my baby sister for the final moments I might have in her life and no one’s going to take that away from me.
“I thought you left,” she says quietly.
“I came home because Jake and this girl I met needed a safe place to sleep.”
“What’s her name? Is she pretty?”
“Judith. I will be obeyed.”
“Not important,” I tell her.
“I’m glad you came home.”
“Why?”
“I like to see your face. You’re my son, and I love you.”
I’m old enough to leave and never come back. I hate this place. It’s stifling and wrong. I am not the bad person we’ve all been taught I am. This place makes me hot. It makes me itch to leave. I need to go. “I can’t stay here and watch you die. I can’t stay here and hear what my little brother has been told about me. I can’t hear what your opinion of God is when it’s not true. If I stay all I’ll do is want to punch this guy in the face every day and hate you for letting this happen. I don’t belong here. I never have. And you haven’t made me feel any different.” I am sad to hurt my mother, but I’m also clear-headed. This is it. What I said is the truth.
Tears fall down her cheeks. “You’re right. I’ve failed you.” Her voice is shaky.
“What the hell’s going on? Judith? If I have to come over there…”
“I’m leaving.” I give him my most level look. My voice is loud and clear enough for him to hear my intentions. “I’ll give the baby to Abby on my way out. Let me say goodbye to my sister.” I look from his icy blue eyes to my mother, who is weak and dripping with self-loathing.
“It’s about time you stepped up and did something masculine in your life.” He gives an approving nod. “You can’t run your whole pathetic life and expect to ever become a man.” He looks at my mother’s back with a hint of something. “Make sure you stay in school otherwise you’ll be nothing. You still have an interview at the firm in Century City. I’ll give you three months to collect your things, and then I’ll get rid of it.” He goes back to reading his paper and eating.
I walk from the kitchen to the staircase. I look at the baby, trying to memorize her. I won’t be able to. And Micah. My heart is broken. Poor Micah.
Fuck.
At least he still has Abby.
I walk into her room and shake her, trying to wake her. “Abby, get up.”
“What? What is it?” she asks, sitting, looking at me, terrified.
“The baby’s not done eating yet and I gotta go.”
She shakes her head negatively.
“Come on, Abby. Take her.”
“No. If I take her, you leave? For good? Then I’m not taking her.”
“Abby, come on. I’ll get in touch when I find someplace to stay.”
“No, Ezra. Don’t go,” she cries. “I don’t want you to leave. Don’t leave me. Don’t leave Hannah. Don’t leave Micah.”
“I can’t live like this. I’m too old. This is his house, not mine. I have to start my life. It hurts, but it doesn’t make sense for me to stay. I have to go. Take the baby.”
“No.”
I lay her in Abby’s arms and walk away. Micah runs into Abby’s room and gets into bed with her.
The girl is watching me as I come back into my room, wary. I pull rolls of ill-gotten money from their hiding places. And stashes of coke and weed to sell.
Jake puts his pillow over his head, and the girl gets out of bed and pulls on her cutoff jean shorts and tennis shoes. She picks up her t-shirt and bra from last night while I pack a backpack full of clothes.
I put the money and drugs in the false bottom pocket. “I’m leaving. Jake will probably stay and finish sleeping. You can stay with me or with him. We’ll meet later.” I pull on my jeans from last night and a fresh t-shirt. I pull on my shoes.
“I’ll stay with you.”
I thrash around some more. There are more money rolls I haven’t found yet. My door opens and there’s Abby and blubbering Micah holding her hand. The baby’s asleep in her arms. She looks like a painting of a woman and her children stepping off a boat at Ellis Island. I love my sister. She’s the most tenacious person I know.
I ignore them for now but I can feel the girls feeling each other out, it’s like a vibrating tension. I can’t take it anymore. “Abigail, go to bed.”
“No.”
“Fuck, Abby. Go away.”
“No, Ezra.”
Jake is on his elbows, looking at her.
I pull on my sweat-jacket and zip it. “You’ll be fine.”
“No, we won’t.”
“It’s not forever. I’ll be around.”
“Not good enough.”
I shrug. I don’t know what to say.
“If you leave I will sleep with Jake.”
I look at Jake who is looking at Abby, eyebrows up. I narrow my eyes. That was a good one. “No way in hell are you sleeping with anyone, and especially not Jake.” I put my backpack on.
“If you leave, I am in hell.” she says, glaring at me.
Ugh. I can’t look at her. I look at Jake. “You touch her I will kill you. I don’t care how much I love you.”
He smiles and lies back down, covering his head with his pillow.
The girl and I walk to the door. I hug and kiss Micah. “I love you. Pray, okay?” I watch him nod. I hug and kiss Abby. “I love you. I’ll keep in touch.” I walk away, the girl close behind me. We walk silently through the front gate. The sky is lightening in the east.
I lead her to where Jake’s car is parked in the wooded area beside my parents’ estate. “You okay?”
She looks at me. “Yeah. Why?”
“You look sick.”
She looks at her feet. “Yeah. Weak. Not fully recuperated, I guess.”
“From what?”
“I had an ectopic pregnancy and had to have it ended. I’ve been sad. I’ve only been out of the house when he’s made me. He’s been trying to get me in porn, and has been revving it up since I’m about to turn eighteen.”
I nod. “Life is sad sometimes. We just have to keep moving forward, right?” I take a deep breath and sigh. “I think sometimes we get introduced to people so we can see we’re not as alone as we thought we were. Jake has a troubled existence too.”
“Really?”
“Yeah.”
“What about you?”
I grimace. “The only badness in my life is the badness I inflict on myself.”
“Why do you do that?”
“I don’t know. Trying to figure it all out, I guess. I never feel like I belong anywhere.” We fall into a comfortable silence. I slow my stride for her because she looks like she’s having a hard time. I’m trying to not think about everything that happened, Abby’s face and Micah’s tears and snottiness. And baby Hannah. Abby and Jake. I should have made him leave too. Has she thought of him? She is way too young.
“What’s the matter? You look like you just bit into a lemon,” she asks.
“Nothin’. I’m hoping my sister is being good and not thinking about doing anything with Jake.” I shiver.
She laughs a closed mouth laugh. “Do you think he would do that?”
“In theory, no. In practice, I honestly have no idea.” I look into her eyes. Still beautiful. Her eyelashes are long and dark and she’s not wearing makeup. I want to look away but it’s hard. What are you doing, Ezra? She’s younger than Abby and you’r
e both a mess. You just met her and you don’t know her name. You’re being stupid and horny and not thinking. What would you do with her? The thought of being in an intimate relationship with any woman would kill you, in so many ways. You wouldn’t know what to do with her. You’d probably have a panic attack if she touched you. You don’t want to care about another girl.
I tear my eyes away. I’m starving. “I should have waited ‘til after breakfast to throw a temper tantrum and leave.”
“Isn’t the whole idea of taking off about not needing anything they have to offer?” she asks.
“Sometimes. But you have to be smart about things. A free meal is a free meal. Have you done this? Been homeless?” I feel lame because even when I have been homeless, it’s not because I didn’t have anywhere to go, but because I didn’t want to go home.
“No. My mom has done everything she could to keep on climbing the ladder off the streets.”
“You can’t do stupid stuff when you have no place to go back to. So you get food for free where you can and stay at people’s houses, even if you barely know them and they scare you because it’s better than sleeping on the streets.”
“I want to stay with you.”
We walk the little path Jake uses to park his car in concealment. “You have to be a friend and work with us, not be out for yourself. That won’t work. And you can’t expect to be treated like a girl, because then I can’t protect you from people looking at you like you’re a girl. You have to be able to be quick and trust us, and we have to be able to trust you.”
She nods.
I pull the blanket out of Jake’s trunk and lay it next to the car. I have an extra sweatshirt in my backpack I get out for her. I hand it to her and sit on the blanket. I move stuff around so I can find something to use as a pillow. I keep thinking about Micah. I have tears in my eyes and it hurts.
Dammit.
“So, I know you said I shouldn’t expect to be treated like a girl, and I don’t know your whole story, but I know you love your little brother and sisters and I can see you’re sad, can I hug you?” She’s sitting close to me. So close I can feel her heat.
This is dangerous. This is a bad move. Have self-control.
Easy Page 3