“You want me to crash at your friend’s house with all these kids?” she asks, incredulous.
“His little sister is the girls’ age. I don’t know about his little brother. I’ll call him and set it up. Then I’ll call you back,” I tell her.
I hang up and dial Darry.
He asked if she has a man. It caught me off guard but I think it might have been because he didn’t want trouble. So, I told him no and he said he’d go get them.
Darry’s a good guy.
I should call Jake, but Mayyim is coming back from the bathroom wearing a bikini top under a muscle shirt and cutoff shorts. She’s barefoot and her hair is wavy. She has hips, and a butt, and boobs.
What was she wearing before? It didn’t make her look like this.
“Hey.” She smiles into the mirror, fixing her hair. She touches her bruised mouth proudly. “How do I look? Like a tough guy?”
I nod. “Yes. Very much so.”
She smiles, her eyes sparkling. “Now what?”
“Now I fight my feelings and you sit around and do you, and we have a miserable few days,” I tell her, the fight beginning already.
“I heard you could get married real quick and easy in Palm Springs. Some chapels can give you the marriage licenses there without you having to go to the courthouse,” she suggests.
My eyebrows are as high as they can go. “Oh yeah?”
“Yeah. Maybe if we get bored enough we can do that.” She raises her eyebrows in a dare and lies on the bed with the remote.
Chapter 18
We’re in our hotel room after wandering around the city all night. It’s about ninety degrees outside and we have the AC running full blast.
I didn’t turn on any lights because I’m so antsy, but there are neon lights shining in through the sheer curtains, illuminating just enough with a colorful glow.
She’s standing, waiting for whatever is coming next. Her eyes look into mine, deep, gray pools of trust. But how do I begin with a girl that’s been hurt? How do I make sure every moment is a new memory and not an old one? I want this to be a fresh start for both of us.
I place my hands on her face and bend to kiss her softly. I kiss her cheeks and her soft, waiting lips. “How is this?” I whisper softly against her skin.
“Good. Not scary at all,” she breathes.
“Safety word is pineapple. If you get nervous, tell me.” I breathe her in, feeling her scent flow through me. I’ve become so accustomed to her smell it gives me a full belly feeling of home that’s so different and so similar to the other feelings of belonging I’ve ever had.
She smiles. “Okay. But I think I’ll be fine.”
I pull her head back gently and kiss her throat, pulling her flesh into me. I drink in her collarbones as low as I can reach while standing with her in my arms.
I pick her up and toss her on the bed, taking off her shirt in one smooth movement. I’m moving too fast but I can’t slow down. She pushes my shirt up and looks at my stomach, and the proximity of her face to me while I’m standing in front of her is intoxicating.
I push her back and lie beside her. I trace the lines of her top and watch her stomach get sucked in in anticipation.
Her eyes are relaxed and trusting as she watches me. I’m so thankful to her for her trust.
I move my mouth to her armpit and the side of her breast where it’s swelling out of her top. Her eyes flutter closed and open. I kiss her lips and she kisses me back hungrily, grabbing at my hair, keeping me close.
I untie her top and rub the tips of her breasts with my thumbs, making her shudder and her back arch. My lips move down her warm skin, over her breasts, unbuttoning her pants with my trembling fingers. She pulls my hair and tucks her body against mine, pressing into me.
I take a breath to slow myself. I don’t want to go fast.
I lie next to her and pin her hands down to the bed with one of mine while she watches me run my fingers over her skin, touching her sensitive places with the other. She looks like she’s this side of ecstasy, and it makes me crazy. I want to get it in so bad. “Still doing good?” My voice is so full of testosterone I don’t recognize it.
She smiles and nods and tugs against my hold. So I let her go and watch as she slides her hands down her stomach, inviting.
I pull at her pants. “Okay?”
She nods, biting her lip.
I toss her pants and undies aside and look at her body.
Her thighs are the best thighs I’ve ever encountered. Strong and squeezable.
I start at the top again and mouth and touch my way down. Her breaths quicken in expectation. I lie next to her and slip my finger down her slit. She arches, gasping. I rub her softly, listening to her noises.
I have to take my pants off.
I mouth her while she moans and pulls my hair and my fingers slide into her wet skin. I lick until she’s throbbing and squeezing me. I stop to look at her, still rubbing. “Are you ready?”
She nods.
“Should I get a condom?”
“If you get me pregnant it’ll be like that woman didn’t take anything from you.” she breathes, looking into my eyes.
“I don’t want to hurt you?” I don’t know what to say. It makes my stomach flip with equal parts dread and excitement just thinking about it.
“Do you think having a baby with you would hurt me?”
“I don’t know. It wouldn’t hurt me, it would make me happy, but I don’t want to take your freedom from you.”
“I want the life I lost. And I don’t know if I’ll be able to because of what happened. I don’t want to lose any chances.”
Dear God, please help me to be wise.
I settle over her, pulling her thighs up to wrap around my waist, knowing I won’t last long. I run myself up and down her sensitive skin, listening to her noises and feeling her thighs tense along my ribs. I dip in and pull up, rubbing until she’s on the very edge, falling over and moaning and now I let myself go. I dig in deep, filling my mouth with every piece of her flesh that I can while her fingers dig into my scalp and pull my hair, sending lightning bolts of ecstasy down my back and arms. So much pain and ecstasy that I can’t hold it anymore and I groan, and bite the flesh at the base of her neck. She groans too as I feel my cum pumping into her.
“You’re a fucking vampire,” she sighs, hugging me and rubbing my thigh with her foot.
I pull her tighter.
*****
I lie in her arms. She pets my curls back, watching me with curiosity. It’s because I have my thinking face on.
I’ve been thinking a lot for a long time. “The baby I had with Kate was a baby girl.” I tell her, quietly. It hurts to say it. It hurts to say what I think about all the time. “Our fathers knew each other and we had both gotten accepted to Pepperdine. That’s when we started hanging out. I knew she wasn’t good for me but she was so anti everything I was anti. I still never thought I wanted to be with her forever. When she told me she was pregnant it completely blew my mind. I’d spend forever with my hands on her so I could feel the baby the second it started to move.
“She still kept going out with friends to parties and stuff, hiding her belly, and I hated it. Her parents hated it. But she didn’t care. We fought all the time. I didn’t want her to hurt my little baby. That baby was mine and I loved her.
“The day they died we’d gotten into a fight, a huge fight, because I told her to go home and take care of herself, and she said she was going out with this guy she met at a college party. She was going to start telling everyone she was a surrogate if they asked. I told her I would call her parents to come get her if she didn’t go home and she went completely ballistic on me and took off.
“I was so angry, Mayyim. I followed her because I was stupid and mad. It was before sunset when the sun is directly in your eyes and she swerved to avoidsomeone and lost control of the car. She wasn’t wearing her seatbelt and she died in the crash. The baby was still alive so I rode in the am
bulance with them to the hospital and they took the baby, but she was too young. They let me hold her while she died, and then I walked away and let them call her parents to deal with it like I was never there. They buried her and the baby and I went to the funeral. Her parents hugged me because I was her friend, and I hugged them back and I didn’t lose it even though I wanted to. I let someone else bury my daughter that I lost because it was easier than having to lose everything.” I watch tears roll down her cheeks and I wipe them away. “Jake thought I should tell you. He’s always telling me to get it out. But it makes me feel like dying. It doesn’t make me feel better.” I shake my head, reliving every choice. “I think if she wasn’t so upset she would have put on her seatbelt or would have driven more carefully. I could have had a beautiful baby girl. It’s all my fault. Every time I think about how I held her while she struggled for her final breath, I think about how a split second changed our story. And then I walked away and pretended she never happened.” I bite the inside of my cheek to make the sting go away. I close my eyes, focusing on Mayyim’s fingers in my hair.
I feel her emotion-filled breathing on me. “You let them have their daughter and granddaughter without any more pain. You held her. Don’t punish yourself for that. People love you. We don’t want you to want to die.”
“Do you love me? How do you know?” I look at her.
“I think I love you a little right now, and the more I get to know you the more my love will grow. Like when I first saw you at one of those stupid parties I hate, I fell in love with the way you look. You’re all contradiction. You’re confident and shy, and you’re mellow but you get antsy. I saw the way you and Jake had fun together and knew each other so well, like you’re brothers. Remember Eric’s party at the beginning of summer?”
I frown. “The one where Jake was drunk and disorderly, and got in a fight with some dirty old guy?”
“Yeah. That was my mom’s husband. Jake tried to tangle with him and he said something to you guys. I saw your eyes flash fire and you held Jake away with one hand and you got in my stepdad’s face and said something, and he got scared and backed off. It made me cry because he’s a monster and you didn’t care. I wanted that. I loved that. And then I tripped you that night because I knew you would help me and keep me safe, and I loved you for it before you did it. And the fact that you did it made me love you more. I love that you understand everything I try to say even though sometimes I don’t know.”
“You don’t say much.” My heart is so lifted and warm. I touch her softly. I had no idea. I was mad that night. I had to drive us home so I was livid.
“I don’t need to, though, do I?” She touches my chin. “Sorry about this, by the way. If I knew everything else would happen, I would have been more careful.”
I smile. “I think you’re lying.”
She smiles. “Well, I didn’t know that would happen.” She curls my hair around her finger. “That woman was super intimidated by me, huh?”
Women are beautiful. I push her onto her back and kiss her. Her hands move over me tentatively but gaining confidence.
*****
The phone rings. I answer it without opening my eyes. “Yo.”
“Oh my God. You got laid!”
Jake. “What? I just said yo.” But I can’t help grinning.
“That’s all you needed to say, brother.”
I don’t know what to say. “What time is it?”
“Early. I talked to Cece. I wanted to say thanks for taking care of my family. It means a lot.” He said all that really serious.
I frown. “All I did was remember a detail.”
“Sometimes that’s all it takes. How’s your girl’s face?”
I open my eyes to look at her in the dawn light. She’s so pretty and peaceful. “It’s good. What’s in that witchy stuff your mom gave us?”
“Mexican magic. So, how is everything?” he asks, trying to get info.
Oh my God. “Really?”
“Hey, I should get details. I’m the one who dropped you off at the hotel.”
“Yeah. You are. Do you know how boring it is in Palm Springs? It’s like 110 degrees,” I tell him. “There’s nothing to do.”
“But you found something to do,” he jeers, and I can hear the smile in his voice.
She’s awake and looking at me with those eyes. She moves under the blankets. Oh my God. “Okay, Love, thanks for calling. Take care of yourself. Call back tomorrow. Bye.”
I hang up and enjoy her.
Chapter 19
“Hello?”
“Hey, Abby. How’s Hannah?” It’s a jerk thing to do, asking about the baby and not her, but I can’t help it sometimes. I am her older brother.
“What do you care? If you cared you’d be here or you’d at least call.”
“I’m sorry, Abby. I’m calling now.” What can I say?
“I don’t care if you’re as sorry as ten dead dogs. It doesn’t mean shit unless you do something about it. We’re your family. Micah loves you. He misses you. He cries at night.”
Here we go again. “I’ve never been a part of the family, Abby.”
“I’ve never seen you try.”
“I shouldn’t have to try to be a part of the family I was born into.”
We’re both quiet for a minute.
She breaks first. “Mom’s not doing too well. She told me to tell you to come home.”
I hear her voice and I understand. But what she doesn’t understand is it’s not my home, and it’s not easy for me to listen to shit for the sake of watching my mom die and being my sister’s moral support. “You know I love you, and Micah, and Hannah, but I can’t do anything for you. I’m struggling as it is. You guys have food, and shelter, and parents who provide for you. We don’t.”
“You’re so full of shit. Get over yourself.”
I look at the ceiling, taking calming breaths and praying for patience. “Thanks for that.”
“Did you call for any reason?” she bites back.
“Yeah. I wanted to see how you were doing.” Which was a total mistake and I’ll probably be regretting it for a while.
“We’re fine, like always. Mom’s got headaches and can’t get out of bed. I’ve been taking care of the babies. The boys are gone during the day. Dad’s been visiting a client in Pennsylvania. Mom wants me to take care of her, not the nurse. Micah’s been having nightmares.”
“I’m sorry, Abby. If I could do something I would. I’m going to give you the number to the hotel I’m at. You ready?”
“Why are you at a hotel? What happened?” Her voice goes from exasperated to anxious.
“Long story. We’re laying low for a while. But I want you to be able to call if anything happens.” I give her the number and the room number.
“Is Jake okay?”
“Yeah. Jake’s all right. He’s at a friend’s house with his little brother.”
“Then who’s we?”
“The girl that was at the house when I left last time.”
“So, that’s what all this is about and why you can’t come home? Because of some stupid tramp who wants you for your money?”
Oh my God. Why did I want to call? “I don’t have any money, Abby. Dad does. She’s not a tramp, and she’s not stupid, and you don’t know what this is about because you’re a spoiled little rich girl who has always been loved and taken care of by your daddy.”
“You could have had that too if you had tried to be good!”
Red rage is taking over. “Wow. You too, huh? Take care, Abby.”
“Screw yourself.” She hangs up.
I slam the phone.
Mayyim is out of the shower and looking at me.
“Sorry,” I breathe. A cigarette would be amazing but I’ve decided to stop.
“Was that your sister?” she asks.
I tap a cigarette out of the spare pack. “Yep.” I tap it and play with it. I don’t want to smoke it, but it would make the rage go away.
“S
he’s mad at you?” she asks softly.
“Yep.” I put it between my lips. Shit.
“Internal struggle?” She sits next to me, eyeing the cigarette.
“Yeah. I’m done with them but I guess they’re not done with me.”
She takes them from me and the cigarette from my lips. “Some things are hard to let go of, especially when they’ve been with you through thick and thin.” She puts it back in. “But everyone knows they’re bad for you.”
“True.” I try not to do things that are bad for me.
“I’m sorry about your sister. Does she think I’m after your money?”
I smile. “She just wanted to say mean things. I don’t have any money, so I’m not worried about you being a gold digger.”
She smiles at me. “I’m pretty low maintenance. But if you ever get rich I will let you spend it on me.” She nods, giving me a look.
“Same goes for you. I love to be showered with gifts.”
She smiles and kisses my cheek. “What is she worried about?”
“Me coming home to see my mother,” I tell her. I feel myself eyeing the cigarettes. I had no idea I was this dependent.
“What’s wrong with your mom?” She looks at me, probing.
“She’s dying. She has a brain tumor.” I shrug.
She sits quietly, concerned. “Then maybe you should go see her?”
I shrug again. “She’s been dying a long time. I’ll believe it when I see it.”
She pushes her lips, frowning.
I laugh because it’s so funny to see her holding back. Everyone I have ever known has so many opinions and they never hold back from voicing them. It’s so nice and it makes me want to hear what she has to say. But not right now. “Thanks. For everything.”
She raises an eyebrow and smiles softly. She pulls my hair.
“Do you think I should get rid of it before my interview?”
“Sadly.” She nods.
I put it back in a ponytail. “Does this look any more professional?”
“I can’t say. I don’t have an objective eye. I think you’re perfect the way you are.” She plays with my springs. “What do your parents look like?”
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