The curtain opens and we both look at her. She smiles shyly.
“Cuchorra.” He nods in acknowledgement and continues puking.
She smiles a real smile. “Can you hand me my backpack?”
I hand her backpack to her and she closes the curtain.
“Easy, I think I’m dying.”
“You can’t die. You’ll be fine. You’ll sleep it off, have some hotel coffee and breakfast, and we’ll be on our way. You’re young.”
“You should give him some water,” Mayyim says from behind the curtain.
“Do you want some water?” I ask him, doing the teeth brushing thing.
“Cha,” he scoffs, sounding like a manly, half Mexican version of a valley girl.
I fill a cup with sink water and hand it to him. “Puking water is better than heaving.”
He takes it, spits it out and starts puking again.
“Are you going to bed?” I ask him.
Mayyim makes her exit in a t-shirt and cutoff sweats.
“Yeah. If I make it. Otherwise I’ll just sleep here.”
I leave him on the floor and crawl into bed with Mayyim and kiss and touch. I’m so glad I waited for this.
“‘When goodnight kisses turn into goodnight orgasms, next on Sick, Sad World.’” Jake walks past us, stripping to his boxers. “That guy is taking the whole damn bed and he never takes a shower, so, scoot over.”
I pull her over me to the other side so I’m in the middle. I don’t want her to freak out and I also don’t want her to get out of bed.
“Do I get a goodnight orgasm too?” he asks, getting settled in.
I laugh at her stink face and get comfy. “Sure. How do you want it?” I offer my services.
“Ugh. Shut up,” he grumbles and immediately begins snoring.
*****
I know it’s a dream because it wasn’t Mayyim in the car, it was Kate. And Mayyim’s stepdad wasn’t driving, and the baby wasn’t born yet, it was still inside her. But it feels so real, and I’m so sad because I know what’s going to happen and I don’t want it to. I’ve had this dream so many times, but it hasn’t hurt this bad in a while. She’s crying and scared because I told her the story, and I told her what happens next so she’s holding the baby in her arms tight to protect it. I want to wake up because I don’t want to see it, but I want to see if they come out okay. I want them to be okay.
I gasp awake and Jake is thrashing in his sleep, and cussing at his dad, and yelling for Cece.
I shake him awake. “Jake. Wake up man!” I don’t want to touch him because I’ve done that before and he’s hit me, but he’s thrashing anyway. “Love, it’s just a dream.”
He opens his eyes, still foggy and crazy. He covers his face with his hands and rubs.
I hug his head to me. “It’s alright. We’re in hell on earth. Oscar’s with us. Cece and the kids are safe with Darius.”
He nods. “She’s with Darry.”
“Yeah. She’s safe.”
He starts sobbing. I hold him and he tells me his dream, and I feel sick that he’s had to go through this. Dear God, please help him. Please help him to get his head straight. Please kill anyone that hurts children. Please. Amen.
I hold his head until he stops crying and goes back to sleep, and next thing I know I’m waking up again feeling unrested and tangled. Mayyim looks comfy though. The dirty bastard.
Jake is staring at the ceiling. I look up briefly. No bad guys up there. “What time is it?” I whisper.
“The sun has risen, but not much and not for long,” he says quietly.
“What’d the ceiling do to you?”
“Who took Heidi home last night?”
“I did. Mayyim went with me. She paid me for sex. I took a bill, and one and a half grams.”
“You drove my car?”
“Yeah.”
“You did her in my car?”
“No. She was so wasted. She thought I did her, though.” I smile.
He shakes his head. “I behaved badly.” He sighs sadly. “I was a total fuckhead. In front of my little brother.”
“Yeah, I heard. What’s that all about?”
“I don’t know. It’s like I’m losing it.”
“You need to get out of that house,” I tell him.
“I can’t leave those kids. I can’t leave my sister.”
“You have to do something. You can’t live like this. You said yourself we’re getting too old.”
He shakes his head, lost. “What kind of a bitch would I be if I left them?”
“You should tell someone about your dad.”
“We have before. You know how that went.”
“You’re an adult now.”
“But the kids aren’t.”
“What’s worse? Being molested or being sent away?”
“Being separated and lost.”
“Really?”
He nods. “Yeah. At least at home it’s one person molesting them. And mi madre still has expectations of them being good kids, and Cece is making sure they’re happy and we’re making sure they’re fed.” He rubs his face again. “Hopefully Teddy’s the last one.”
“It’s time for you to get a place of your own. Then the kids will have a place to escape to.”
“That makes sense. I guess that’s why you’re the brains, right? Do you think I can afford a place in LA just painting cars?”
“Oh, you’re ditching me?” I frown at him. Does he want to get rid of me or is it because he thinks that’s what I want?
He grins. “Fuck no. I thought you were done with me! I thought you replaced me with the kitten and you and me were done for.”
“Fuck, no. You’re my bro, dude. It’s you and me, forever and always.”
“That means a lot to me.” He looks like he’s about to cry again. He bear hugs me.
“Let’s go to Santa Monica pier,” Mayyim says, stretching like a baby cat and curling back up, eyes closed. “I had an awesome dream about it.”
We look at each other. She’s adorable.
Chapter 21
We’re at Santa Monica pier. I sat on a bench while they ran off to have fun. They went on all the rides and now they’re playing carnival games. Mayyim has her arms full of things that Jake is winning. I like seeing them both smiling and laughing.
I keep looking back and forth between them and the guys fishing off the pier. I think one day I’ll take up fishing. The guy next to me has about four poles, and I’ve been watching the fish swim around in his bucket while he smokes, and sits, and pulls in fish and changes bait. He looks relaxed and at peace.
“Do you eat those fish?” I ask him.
He looks at me. “Some of ‘em. Depends what they are. Some I gut and give away. My cat likes ‘em too.”
I nod. I wish I had a cat.
I look at Mayyim. She smiles and waves at me and I think about the dream I had. How am I ever going to get over this fear something bad is going to happen? How am I going to be able to enjoy life, and loving her, and having kids if I’m so worried about them dying?
I haven’t ever thought about moving on. I’ve mostly just thought about keeping the memory. I used to spend hours thinking of every feature of my baby’s tiny face and dying inside every time I get to the part where she never took another breath. Every time I got in a car I would torture myself with every second of the crash. I don’t want to think like that so much anymore. I want to move on and be normal, and happy. Normal is a fleeting condition you have to strive for constantly but at least in this, I want to get there. I don’t want to forget her face; I want to forget the pain of her death. I want to forget the broken glass and the blood dripping from Kate’s fingers and her lifeless eyes.
I never loved her. If love is what I feel for Mayyim, I know I never loved Kate.
I think I want to let her go.
And I’ll let the death of my baby go. I’ll remember her alive and kicking, and the sweet look on her little doll face. I’ll put her in the same
place in my heart that I’ll put Helen’s baby in.
“Hey, I got two bites. Wanna reel one in?”
I look up at the guy, registering what he’s saying and nodding. I get up and he hands me the pole. I watch him reel in the other one and follow his lead. I’ve never fished before in my life. But it’s pretty awesome. It’s heavy, and I know there’s a fish at the end of this thing trying to get away and I’m not gonna let him. Who would have thought kidnapping and murdering fish would feel so fulfilling?
I can see it break the surface of the water. “What do I do?”
“Keep reeling it in, son. Slow and steady. You don’t want to let it off the hook.” He gets his fish off and into the bucket. “Alright. Keep goin’.”
I reel it in. It’s like reddish brown and mean looking, and its back is all spiny. “What the fuck is that?”
“That’s a sculpin. Let me get a towel. Don’t touch it. It’s got venom in those spines. It’s a mean motherfucker.”
“You caught a fish?”
I turn to Jake, grinning. They all run over and they’re all smiles and happiness, and proud of me.
The guy takes it off the hook and drops it in his second bucket. I’m trying to give the pole back to him but he waves me off. “Keep it. It’s your lucky pole. It’s old. Hard to man four poles.”
I shake his hand. “Thanks, man.”
He nods and goes back to his business.
I hold my pole like a trophy. “I got a fishing pole!” I yell, grinning.
We walk to the beach and I watch Oscar and Jake run into the water. I sit in the sand to look at my fishing pole. How awesome is this? Wasn’t I just thinking I should take up fishing?
I try to figure out how to take it apart so I can put it in the car.
“Here, I’ll show you.” Mayyim takes it from me. “When you carry it, hook the hook here so you don’t snag anyone. This is how you break it down.” She hands it back to me after taking it apart.
I don’t know whether to feel proud my lady knows how to break down a fishing pole or emasculated she does and I don’t. “Thanks. I’ve never even held a fishing pole before.”
She smiles beautifully. “So, you’re just naturally good at everything?”
I grin. “I never thought about it. I didn’t catch the fish, the guy did. I’m just calm under pressure.”
“Hmm.” She looks at the ocean, the wind blowing her hair and making her squint.
“I had a dream last night it was you and our baby in the car, and the guy driving was your stepdad.” I look out too. It’s sunset.
“Did we die?”
“I woke up.”
“We didn’t die. I kicked him in the head and he slammed on the brakes and I took the opportunity to open the door and run. And you were right behind us. You got out of the car and helped us in and you called the cops, and you got his license plate number, and he went to jail, and everything was okay.” She smiles.
“Thank you. You’re beautiful, and I love you.” I kiss her hand. “I hate sunsets.” I watch the sky turn orange and purple.
“You hate them because you’ve never had good sunset experiences. You are a sunset, though. Your pretty wolf eyes are constant sunsets.”
“Your pretty silver eyes are like the sky lightening before dawn.”
She smiles and lies in my arms and between my legs. I hold her and watch Jake and Oscar push each other around.
I need to talk to Jake. There’s something wrong with him. Heidi telling me her sister had to take off is irking me. That’s not his normal thing. And he can’t have a thing for my sister and be all crazy.
We’re staying at his cousin’s house overnight because he’s not home. Tomorrow I have to go see my mom. Jake’s dad will probably be gone again. He’s a truck driver so he’s gone a lot. We’ll probably go to Darry’s first since he lives a couple of miles from me. Jake and Oscar will stay with them while I do my thing.
I want to show my dad my fishing pole. I don’t hate him as much as I did before. I understand things better now. He’s always fed and clothed me. He made sure I did well in school. I ran away a lot and he could have done what Jake’s mom did to him but he kept letting me come back. He talks shit on me to his kids, and the fact is, if you look at everything as either black or white, I am what he says. I know that’s not how God sees me. He’s also the one who taught me to be God-fearing, even though I don’t believe God is how he thinks he is.
“Heavy thoughts?”
“Thinking about tomorrow.”
“Are you nervous?”
“Anxious for the next part of our lives to begin.”
She holds my hand and relaxes, watching the boys play in the ocean.
Chapter 22
“Joaquin! Oscar!” Cece runs outside holding the baby on her hip. “Mis hermanos! C’mere and give me a big hug.”
I watch her squeeze Oscar and jump on Jake. Sometimes I wish I got fanfare when I’ve been gone. It’s just been a few days and there’s still a sense of celebration.
Maria and Rosa run, and Jake scoops them up, spinning them around. He kisses their cheeks and puts them down again.
Cece turns to watch them run to Oscar. She has some major hickies on her neck and throat. They’re not huge or bleeding but they are noticeable now that she’s turned. I look out of the corner of my eye at Jake. Yep. He noticed.
He turns red. He narrows his eyes at her and grabs her by the arm, touching the bruises, menacing.
“Knock it off! Let go of me!” she tells him, swatting him.
“What the fuck is this?”
“Love, I am a grown up!”
“The hell you are. Where is that piece of shit?”
“Knock it off!” She jerks her arm away. “Accept.” She stares him down for a second and now turns her big smile to me. “Ezra! My other brother.”
She hugs me and I hug her back. This is as close to fanfare as I’m ever getting so I might as well enjoy it. She takes a step back and it’s like we can communicate with our body language and eyes. She’s happy and I’m happy. I’m more shy and discreet about things and she doesn’t care who sees. My hickies are covered. I’m glad she’s calm and happy and hopeful. “Hey, you look happy.”
She smiles and pulls my head to kiss my cheek. “Very insightful,” she says and kisses. “You look well rested.”
I nod. “Yes ma’am.”
She turns to Mayyim and grabs her hand. “Hey.” She hugs her and walks off with her.
I watch them go and turn back to the raging bull that is Jake. “Hey. Why are you mad? She knows her way around the block as well as we do.”
He turns to look at me, his eyes red and raging. “You think he fucked her?”
“Love, please. I have a job interview next week, my face has healed, please don’t do this. I can’t get hit in the head with my concussion.” I don’t want to deal with this today.
Darry walks out, the pacifistic, bass playing idiot that he is.
“Love, leave it alone!” I grab his arm, trying to shake it out of him.
Darry nods at us. “Hey.”
Jake puffs up his chest. “Fuck you. What’d you do to my sister, bro?”
He puts his hands in his pockets. “Nothing she didn’t want, cabron.”
“Did you put those hickies on my sister’s neck?”
“Probably. I’m the only person she’s been around, except Pauly.” He nods. “He came and hit on her but she locked herself in my bathroom ‘til he left. Otherwise I’ve been with her and I’ve treated her very well.”
I feel the waves of rage coming off Jake. “You know the rules about sisters, right?”
“I thought that went out the window, Jake. Are you being hypocritical?”
That’s all it takes, and Jake is now beating on him. Shit. This is serious. “Cece!” I scream before thinking about how stupid it is to get her in the mix. I don’t want her to get hurt either.
I grab for an arm as it flies by but I miss it because I’m so
afraid of getting a blow to the head that can do me in for good.
I grab a shirt, trying to guard my head. It’s Darry as he goes down.
Cece puts Teddy down, and Mayyim gathers him and the little girls in close. My eyes are stinging with tears because that moment in time is what I want every day for the rest of my life.
The tornado of limbs comes toward me.
I grab an arm and it’s Jake’s.
I shove him off Darry who is a pacifist by nature and curled in a ball taking furious blows. Darry believes in skateboarding, and weed, and guitars, not fighting.
The tunnel vision takes over as Jake starts fighting me. I try to hold him but he’s a lot stockier than me. I have to punch him to knock him off. I flip him and sit on him, his arm twisted up his back, his face in the grass, and it’s giving me a sick sense of pleasure.
“Get the fuck off me, you pig!” he rages.
Being called a pig bothers me, especially from Jake. I twist his arm higher until he yells in pain. “Call me a pig again you fuckhead!” I yell.
“Cock-sucking pig!”
I let him go. You don’t call your best friend a pig. Especially when you think pigs are the lowest of the low. We’re both doing the pace and his rage has spread to me. “Repent.”
“Fuck you.”
I’m in it and we’re fighting. My eyes focus on his weaknesses. I hate fighting him. I always get hurt. I don’t know why he has to do this now when I don’t want to get hurt. My head is not healed. I’m going to be hurting, and sweaty, and bleeding when I go to see my family and dying mother. That’s if I don’t get second impact syndrome and die.
He jumps at me and we hit each other.
I can’t feel anything now, but I will and I’m mad. Why is he even fighting me?
I want to go on with my day so I start making connections. He’s more of a tackler and I’m more of an “if you’re going to try to fight me you’re going to have to do more than tackle me” person.
I sock him in his stomach, and his head, and he’s down. I stand and shake myself out.
He gets up, dazed.
But we both know I won.
There’s blood dripping from his nose and lip, and he tries to wipe it off. He gives me his mad dog look and gets in his car and squeals out, shooting up gravel.
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