“How can you guys say you don’t want it when it’s already here?” Mayyim asks softly. “You’re the ones who made it, it wasn’t an accident. Don’t you know it feels everything you feel, and does everything you do?” She looks so perplexed. She rolls her eyes and looks at me in the rearview. “I guess we can put another donor on our list.”
I smile a humorless smile at her. I take Jake’s hand and hold it. He’s crumpled and broken. “Love, don’t quit on me. We’ll figure things out, okay?”
He shakes his head, so far away.
We all gravitate toward the kitchen at home, and we stand not knowing what to do or say.
Jake breaks the spell first, walking up to Abby and grabbing her arm and looking at her. He whispers something in her ear and they stare at each other. She’s angry and he’s wild-eyed. She whaps him as hard as she can. “That’s for not being there when I needed you,” she spits at him. “I never want to see your face again.”
His eyes blaze and she glares.
I don’t know if I should step in or let this happen organically. I don’t know what to do.
He squeezes her arm enough to make her squeak and pushes her. He turns on his heel and storms away. The door slams and she’s left holding her arm and crumpling to the floor.
I don’t feel bad for her. She hit him first.
But I do feel sorry for her.
I put her in the rooms at the other side of the house. She curls up on the bed fully clothed and crying. I make sure she has everything she needs. Enough blankets for a cold night, water, toilet paper.
“I’m sorry, Ezra. I wish I could take it back.”
“He’s not used to being able to stop in one place,” I try to explain to her. I sit on the edge of the bed. “I can probably pay for the rest of this school year for you.”
She shakes her head. “I can’t have you do that.”
“Well, the thing is, I chose to take care of you and I gave up everything to do that so I’m going to do what I have to do to make it worth it. Whatever happens, you’re probably going to need an income.”
“I have an interview with the school district for a TA position on Thursday at ten.”
I nod. “Jake can take you. I have to work.”
She’s crying again.
I hug her and kiss her cheek. “Goodnight. I love you.”
“I’m so sorry, Ezra. I love you, too.”
Chapter 33
It was a crappy night.
I’ve found Abby sitting in the window seat in her room in the morning, all wrapped up in herself. She doesn’t look at me as I come to sit next to her; she pulls her feet in more to give me space.
I’m devastated this morning. It’s hit me about Micah. And about being an orphan. I’m on my own financially and every other way. I don’t have anyone to call on for advice or help or the wisdom of being on the earth longer. I have to take care of myself, my wife, my best friend and my sister and her child. I have to make sure I get to school along with my sister. Mr. Jones might not have been a nice guy, and I might have hated him at several points in my life but at least he always had a listening ear and good advice, whether it was advice I wanted or needed or not. Now I have nothing. No mentor or father figure. How am I supposed to succeed like this? How am I going to grow up? I’m twenty, almost twenty-one. I need guidance. How did I get the shit end of the stick after I gained hard-earned respect from him?
Tears run down her cheeks like the rain on her window and she wipes them away as soon as they fall.
“Wanna talk about it?” I tuck myself up so I can sit in the window too.
“About what?”
“Why you’re crying?”
“I missed waking up with Micah in my bed.”
I close my eyes tightly against the pain in my heart.
“He’s going to think we’re dead like mama,” she weeps.
I press my fingers against my eyelids and see blackness. There have been way too many tears already this weekend. I want to feel numb. I want to feel nothing. “Maybe it’s best we don’t talk about why you’re crying.”
“Yep. I agree.”
Chapter 34
It’s rainy outside and I’ve been sitting on the couch with Abby since Monday morning when I got a call from work saying they didn’t need me to come in. Ever.
Then the school district called to cancel Abby’s interview.
And I got my medical bills.
Neither of us has showered or eaten or anything.
Mayyim has been sitting with us off and on and Jake’s been calling every now and again and checking in, bringing food that Mayyim’s been eating.
He’s trying.
I can’t do anything. I don’t want to think or talk about my feelings. I don’t want to live right now. I’ll have to get up and start looking for work eventually but I can’t make my body work to get up.
My mother’s dead.
My father died breaking up a fight.
My blood is dead, except for a great grandfather in Alabama.
By the time I’m able to get there he’ll probably be dead, too.
Mayyim told Jake to get black lace to cover the mirrors so we could sit Shiva for our grief. She said it would be good in the end. She made me rip an undershirt and put it on which took more effort than I wanted. She sat in front of us and told us we couldn’t wash for seven days of mourning and I agreed because I hadn’t planned on doing any of that anyway. The no intimacy for seven days thing is lengthy, but I don’t feel like having sex, which is a total lie.
It’s been raining and the roof leaks.
Jake is taking care of it.
More expenses.
Jake dropped off the things Mayyim asked for and took off again, saying he’d be at his mom’s if anyone needed him. Abby ignored him the whole time he was here and I could tell it broke his heart. He had needle tracks on his arms and he was pale, a ghost of his usual self and my stomach feels sick. He’s been with Isri and he’s having a hard time being good. And that’s scary. I don’t want to lose him on top of everything else. I tried to talk to him but he wouldn’t look me in the eye.
Mayyim is lying on her stomach with her feet in the air reading more letters. It’s dark and gloomy and my whole body hurts. My brain to my heart and the bottoms of my feet. I keep thinking of my mom looking at me and squeezing my hand reassuringly. And Micah asking all those questions at the funeral. And how he’s not going to have anyone to sleep with him when the monsters come. Who’s going to say his prayers with him? Who’s going to love him?
He’s going to start school next year.
Who’s going to help him with all the transitions of his life when Abby and I are all he’s ever known?
It’s breaking my heart.
And every time I think about my heart breaking I think of the man who made me, the man in those pictures, and how he died broken-hearted because he never got to meet his son. That was the only thing he wanted to do. He moved across the country to me and he never made his destination. It makes me sick. I think about that pain and the fact that the strong young man with the sullen face is no longer in existence, and I’ll never get a chance to touch him or talk to him or tell him how my heart hurts. At least I got to touch my baby girl. I got to hold her and comfort her. He never got that.
Cece called to tell me Jake came home like a hurricane again and confessed to his mother. So she got rid of all the kids so she could have the weekend alone with him and drag his ass to church. Then she said she wanted to talk to Abby and I didn’t think about protecting her until it was too late, and she listened and hung up on her and immediately broke into silent weeping, never saying a word. I held her while she cried because I imagine whatever Cece said it was low and dirty.
The rest of the week went by pretty much the same. The end of it was spent thinking about those tracks on Jake’s arm. No matter how crappy my existence is right now, I’m going to be okay. But I need Jake to be okay with me.
The lace has come off the mirrors and
I’m taking a much-needed shower, washing away months of sorrow.
Chapter 35
The whole bathroom is hot and steamy. The hot water is pelting my skin and burning rivers are making me red, but it feels amazing. I finish and dry off, and exit to my room where my pretty lady is.
There are candles lit and Mayyim is lying on the bed waiting for me in a t-shirt and undies. “Feel better?”
“Yes. Much.” I’m into this whole scene, the girl, the candles, the shower.
“I see.” She smirks.
“That’s not fair. I’m naked and you’re not.”
“All you have to do is come here.”
I crawl up her body and pull off her clothes. I love the way her skin glows in the candlelight. I breathe against her belly, kissing her soft, fleshiness. I think little bellies are one of the most attractive things on women and hers is especially inviting because it’s mine. I’m moving to the apex of her legs to eat her yumminess.
I lie on my back to stare at the ceiling after it’s over. I’ve caught my breath. I revel in the muscle fatigue that comes with orgasms. Mayyim is curled against my body in my armpit. I think she might be resting but I don’t think she’s asleep.
Everything feels right. I have my bed, and my house and my girl and everything after.
Except for Jake. He’s like a nagging tickle in the back of my mind. I can get a job on my own somewhere or take Nancy up on her offer of connections, but Jake isn’t here and he needs me. I’ve been selfish. I’m lying here reveling in my good feelings while he’s out there somewhere suffering.
I need to get him back.
“We should go get your friend,” Mayyim offers, stretching.
I massage her head with my fingers. I have to develop a plan. “Are you up for it?”
“Yeah. I’m up for anything.”
“That’s why I love you.”
She touches my nipple, looking at me with a sexy smile.
I kiss her lips and get up. “Do you think we should include Abby?”
“Do you want me to talk to her? Maybe it’s a girl thing?” She gets up, too, looking in the closet for something to wear.
“She’s never been around girls. She has three older brothers. Do you think girl talk would work?”
“I don’t know. I’ve never done the whole girl thing either.”
“You can approach her like a girl that doesn’t do the whole girl thing.” I shrug and pull clothes on, looking at her naked body. She pulls a tight little t-shirt on and skinny little jeans, and little shoes.
She gives me a look, pulling on a cardigan and kissing my lips. “Wish me luck.”
“I don’t believe in luck. Go with God. And stay out of striking distance.” I kiss her, a real kiss. I watch her pupils dilate with love as we pull apart. She smiles a beautiful smile.
I make a few phone calls, following the path of destruction and I think I might know one of two places he might be at. I pace anxiously, waiting for the girls and hoping he doesn’t get lost. I’ll start at the better of the two places and hope to God he’s there and not at the other one, otherwise Darry and I will have to go solo and hope we make it out alive.
They walk out.
My wife is so beautiful. I love her.
Abby has dressed for the occasion too. I’ve never seen her wear real, grown-up woman clothes. She’s wearing tight jeans, a top I don’t approve of, and a little sweater thing. Her hair is in a messy looking bun and she’s wearing earrings. I never knew she was so repressed before but if this is the way she looks unrepressed, then I guess she was. I don’t recognize her. “Please don’t turn into Cece.”
Her happy and hopeful expression melts into hostility.
“I think you look nice!” Oh my God. Shit. “I didn’t know you could look like that. Or you wanted to. Just please don’t get tattoos.”
She rolls her eyes. “I won’t. I promise.”
“Okay. That’s good.” I hug her. “I know Cece is not your best friend but I had to call Darry for backup because I can’t drag big hunk of man Jake around and I need to be careful of my head.”
“Oh, God help me,” she groans, pulling away.
“She’s not bad. She’s fierce like you,” Mayyim tells her softly, shy.
“Okay. Let’s go. We’re meeting them at the burrito place on Pico.” I lock up and we go to the car.
Cece is chomping on a burrito as we pull up. She hugs me and Mayyim and maddogs Abigail. “What the fuck’s this bitch doing here? She broke my brother’s heart. He could get dead because of her.”
I look at my sister. Her eyes are welling with tears. I lean towards her. “She feeds on signs of weakness.”
“I am weak. Why should I pretend I’m not?”
“I just want to make sure your makeup doesn’t get messy before your arrow hits its target.” I kiss her temple.
She blinks back tears.
“I can’t believe he’s survived this long to be taken down by a spoiled little rich bitch like this. Some little princess that picked him to piss off her daddy and then, oops, you got caught yourself,” she patronizes.
“Leave me alone,” Abby tells her and gets back in the car.
“What’s her problem?” Cece stares after her.
I’m not going to waste my time or energy. I give Darry a man hug. “How’s it goin’?”
“Cool, man. What kind of party is this? Rough? I tried to get her to stay behind but she’s willful. I don’t want her to get hurt with the baby and all if it’s rough.”
“I don’t know. It’s in Los Feliz. South of Little Armenia? Almost to Normandie. Remember Khaj? I think it’s his friend Rob’s place.” I don’t know how it’s going to be or how Jake is going to be.
“Yeah, if I’m not mistaken, that was a junkie, music party.”
“Yeah.”
“I guess it’s not as bad as some. Probably most people will be completely twacked or nodding out?”
I nod. “I saw tracks. Isri’s thing is smack. If he’s on anything crazy I don’t know if we can bring him down.”
“Let’s take one car. Less chance of getting separated.”
“Yeah. I’m hoping he’s there. The other place Isri’s been hanging out at is Lucy’s,” I tell him quietly.
He looks at Cece with a serious look on his face, all the bad things running through his mind of where his girl’s brother could be and what he could be doing. “Well, let’s hope he’s at this party.”
“Cool. Congratulations about the baby, by the way.”
“Thanks. My mom is driving me crazy with the joy. She loves Cece. She’d practically be living with me if it wasn’t for the kids.”
That’s nice. A parent that’s happy about their child’s progeny. “That’s good. Good for you.”
“It’s cool.”
Alright. Moving on, then. “Okay. Let’s go.” I bounce over to Cece and hold her hand in mine. “Cece, stay out of trouble, okay? We can’t protect you if you’re looking for trouble.”
She smiles her witchy smile. “You know me, dulce.”
“I’m serious, Cece.”
She sobers. “Yeah.”
“That means not picking on my sister, either. This is about retrieving Jake before he hurts himself.”
“Okay.” She nods.
I look at Mayyim. She’s ready. We get in the car and go.
We park a block away instead of two like usual because I don’t know if he’s going to be complacent or pissed, and I don’t want there to be trouble.
Hopefully it’s the right move.
The house is dark and deceivingly quiet from the outside. I can hear the low murmur of a party, though. I think I remember this creepy feeling from the last time we came here but I wasn’t completely sober then. Jake was with Isri that night and I saw it all. I remember it made me want to cry because, together, they brought each other down. Two tortured souls uniting and not for the better.
The door is ajar and music is playing, but it’s some crazy tech
no shit that vibrates your insides. It’s heavy and dark with the occasional strobe light or colored ball light, and it smells.
This is going to be like finding a Jake in a junkie stack.
They’re all lying on each other and nodding off, or up tearing things apart and trying to put things back together. Bodies on top of bodies. There’s a guy tagging on a wall.
I like the parties where everyone fucks each other. They smell a lot better. This place smells like bodies, and pee, and chemicals, and pizza. Mayyim is looking placid if not wary. I notice she’s holding Abby’s hand and Abby isn’t doing too good. “Are you okay?”
“The smell is horrible.”
“If you need to puke do it into a plant like everyone else, okay?”
“You think Jake is in this place?” She looks dismayed and uneasy.
“I hope so. That way we can get him and bring him home. You okay?”
“Yeah. I didn’t want this to happen.” She’s upset. She’s feeling guilty.
“Hopefully it’s over now. Stay with Cece, okay?” I turn to Cece. “Take care of my sister.” I watch her nod and take Abby’s hand.
Mayyim separates herself and comes to me. “I’m staying with you.”
I take her hand and we make our rounds, looking at peoples’ faces when the lights hit them. There are a lot of bodies here. Cece and Abby are behind us, re-checking. There are people peeing themselves or peeing on the walls. I feel like I’m stepping on bodies. I’ll take coke parties any day. There are a few people having sex here. I hope for Abby’s sake it’s not my boy. It’s not. But that is Isri’s lady friend. I take her arm. Her makeup is running down her face but she’s still a pretty, naked girl on top of a body attached to a penis.
Still not Jake.
She looks at me through the fog, touching me. “I love you.”
I take her hand. “Have you seen Isri or Jake?”
“He tried to pick a fight with that one guy. You know who I’m talking about. They subdued him and put him in a room somewhere. I don’t know if Israel’s with him.”
“What was he fighting about?”
“Payment, I think. I’m not sure but that’s probably what it was. But if Richie sees her with him he’s going to murder her. He doesn’t get it, ya know?”
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