“If it’s negative I’m going to cry.”
I take a deep breath. I probably won’t cry but it will hurt my heart.
“Are you okay? You seem down.” She comes down and holds me to her breast, kissing my face. She unties my tie and unbuttons my shirt.
“How would you feel about moving far away from California?”
She smiles at me, loving. “Where you go, I go. I’ll go anywhere with you.” She kisses my lips with her dark eyelashes closed. She pulls away and opens her eyes to search mine. “You need to meet your grandfather.”
I hold her face and kiss her. She’s so perfect. “When should we go?” I murmur against her lips.
“I guess it depends on what the test says.”
“I’m scared, too.” I roll her over and hug her and kiss her like I’m making out with my girlfriend in her room while her parents are just on the other side of the door. I push my shoes off. “I love you.”
“I love you, too.” She untucks me and takes off my belt, helping me get comfy. “Today’s your birthday, huh?”
“Yeah. It is.” I remembered while I was at the school with all the papers I had to sign and date, but then I forgot again.
“Old man.” She grins and kisses me affectionately.
“I’d rather be old than eighteen again any day.”
My watch alarm goes off and we look at each other, hesitant to be let down.
She gets up slowly. I watch every bit of her as she wrings her hands and creeps to it.
Her shoulders are tense.
Her body crumples and I feel my heart break. I get up so I can hold her, and comfort her, and kiss her, and begin again, but my soul is heavy. She puts her arms around my neck and sobs into my chest.
It’s sad.
I was trying not to hope because I’m young and she’s young and I didn’t want to get heartbroken, but I am heartbroken. Some people may think it’s stupid but I don’t. I want what has been taken from me. I want to hold my baby. I want to feel it inside the woman I love. I want to see her belly all round. I want to see my child be born.
I lean and look at the test.
I look at it.
Two lines.
My heart is slamming back together and a giant wave of intense protective joy washes over me.
This baby is going to make it into my arms if it’s the last thing I do.
I kiss her ear and her neck, and somewhere in the last few seconds I started crying giddily. She’s completely superglued to me so I hug her and love her. I wipe my tears in her pear scented hair and kiss her where my lips are touching. I can stay here like this all night, holding her, knowing my baby is deep and warm and safe inside of her.
The windows shake from slamming doors.
There’s a rapid knock on my door and Jake comes in. “Ezra, I don’t know what to do. She’s telling me she’s never going to eat again, and she’s saying all these things and I’m trying to stay and not leave because I’m trying to change my ways, you know? I’m trying to be the person I should be and who she wants me to be, but I am so frustrated and pissed off. I don’t know what to do. I’m itching to take off. She’s yelling at me for never staying and her yelling at me is making me want to leave. Tell me what to do.” He’s wild-eyed with panic.
“Just sit and settle down for a minute. We’ll figure it out, okay?” My voice is filled with emotion. I watch him sit, feeling the realness of her in my arms. I sit next to him and pull her onto my lap, hugging her tightly. “Did you ask why she doesn’t want to eat? And it’s not that big of a deal to the baby, it will get its nutrients from her so stop bugging her. Just stop fighting. Remember why you had sex with her in the first place.”
“Because she looked at me like I was somebody.”
“Well, now she knows who you are, a survivor who moves onto the next place when things get shifty.”
“I know. And that’s the problem.”
“Then don’t do it.”
“I don’t do it on purpose. It’s a habit. And Isri’s been calling to me. And I have to keep checking in at home.” He looks so confused.
“Did you tell her that?”
“She’s pissed. She’s not going to understand about Isri. She already doesn’t trust me.”
“Have you been fucking Isri?”
“No. She’s bad. I’ve been trying to get her straight. Her boyfriend has her all messed up.” He shakes his head. “If I can’t help her she’s going to die.”
“It has nothing to do with you. You can’t save everyone.”
“But I love her.”
“Do you love Abigail?”
“I don’t know her well enough. But I want to get to know her because I like her.”
“Still?”
“Yeah. She’s just pissed. I want her to stop being pissed at me because it hurts. I want to be able to make things right but she hates me.”
“Okay. Let’s go.” Mayyim wraps her legs around me and I carry her into the other room where Abby is sitting and crying silent tears on the sofa. I sit in the chair across from her and Jake sits next to me on the floor. “Why aren’t you eating?”
“Because every time I eat I puke.” She scowls.
“It’s probably because you’re hungry,” Mayyim says, muffled against my chest.
“What sounds good to you to eat? Jake will go get it for you.”
“Are you sure he’ll come back?”
“Yes. I’ll come back.” He’s exasperated.
“It’s not helpful to make stupid quips when everyone’s trying to make things okay. Be gracious. He’s in the same fucking position as you. We all are, and we’re all trying to be accommodating to you, princess. So the least you can do is put aside your fucked-up attitude.” I don’t like yelling at her like this but Jake’s my best friend and the house is mine and I gave permanent shotgun rights to him. I want him to feel comfortable here. This is our house, not hers. Acclimatizing herself quickly and dealing is up to her.
“I want chili cheese fries and a Cherry Coke.”
“Great.” I turn to Jake. “Get the lady some chili cheese fries and a Cherry Coke.”
“The usual?” He bounds to get the backpack from the cupboard and hands it to me to get the money.
I nod and count cash.
He hugs me and kisses my face and I pat him and grin.
“Why don’t you go with him? Like the good ‘ol days. I’ll stay with Abby.” Mayyim looks into my eyes and my soul with pure, unadulterated love.
“I don’t want to let you out of my sight.”
She smiles. “But we’ll be okay. And you’ll be okay.”
I kiss her deeply. “I love you. Be safe.”
“Love you, too.”
I get up and put my backpack away. I get in the passenger seat of his car and get comfy. It’s like putting on an old well-worn pair of shoes you haven’t worn for a while. This is nice. It is like the good ‘ol days. Jake gets in and he looks like how I felt before that night. I remember all the times I’ve been a wreck and he’s been there for me. I wish I could recall all the things he’s said to me that encouraged me to keep on keeping on. “Hey, Jake.”
He looks at me, waiting for me to speak.
“You’re gonna be okay, man. Not today, but someday. You’re gonna be okay,” I tell him softly, hopefully giving him strength.
He sighs. “Thanks for being on my side through thick and thin, Easy.” There are so many words unspoken that don’t need to be spoken.
“We’re brothers. Better than brothers because we made the choice.”
We get the food and talk about the house and all too soon we’re home again. There’s no screaming, which I’m taking to be a good sign. Unless it’s because one of them killed the other. “My money’s on Mayyim.”
“I don’t know. I don’t think you give your sister enough credit.”
“I don’t know her too well anymore. We used to be best friends until she turned into a girl and my dad wouldn’t let her play.”<
br />
“I’d never do that to my little girl.”
“Me neither.”
“But I guess that’s what happened to Cece. We’d play together for days and then she turned into a girl and started having to wash dishes and help with the babies.”
We’re loaded down with food and drinks and walking to the house.
“You know, my cousin can probably put a real nice porch right here. Have it wrap all the way around.”
“It’d be cool to see the kids run around like that.” I can see his strawberry blonde little girl running away from my little boy, giggling.
He’s thoughtful and happy. “Yeah. That would be nice.”
“If you organize the work I’ll pay for it.”
“Yeah. That can be done. Did I tell you I’m starting work on Monday?”
“Good. I think it’s time to stop with the weekend shit.” I nod. “You’re going to end up dead if you keep doing it, or in jail. You don’t want to do that to your family.”
“Your sister hates me.”
“She’s just hungry. And angry. Regardless, you still have to be around so your kid knows who you are.” I grab his arm and turn him to face me. “I’m serious. It’s time to stop. No more hustling. No more doing things you don’t want to do with people you don’t want to. Get it out of your head. It was a means to an end, but not anymore. We’re good. We have a place to land. Regardless of what happens between you and Abby. Sometimes things don’t go the way we planned them to but you have to take care of yourself. We have to do this.”
He nods, listening. “Okay.”
“Okay?”
“Yeah. You’re right. You’ll be here to help me? I’ve been doing this since I was thirteen. I don’t know how to do anything else.”
“Yes you do and you know it. You have to leave the other shit behind. We have babies now. We have to do good by them.”
“What are you saying?” He grabs my arm and looks at me. “Are you saying what I think you’re saying?”
I grin. “Don’t you say a fucking thing to anyone. Swear. If I get a fucking phone call from Cece or a dirty look from my sister I’m going to punch you in the head. She just took the test.”
“Is that what you were doing? I am so sorry. I had no idea.” He covers his mouth, so apologetic and filled with joy. “You don’t know how much better this makes me feel. I’m so happy. You’ve wanted this so hard.” He takes me by the neck and kisses me on the mouth. “Easy, I’m so fucking happy.”
I grin. “Do not tell. Not yet. Not until we know everything’s okay. I needed to tell you because I love you.”
“Yeah. For sure. Oh my God. Ezra!” He stares at me with a big Kool Aid smile.
“So what are you going to do about Abby?”
He sobers. “I don’t want her to hate me. Things were so good before. Otherwise this whole thing would not have been an issue.”
“We’ll work it out. It might not be today but it will work out.”
“I trust you. And I’ll do my best.”
The house is silent. They’re sitting where we left them.
We distribute the food and after a couple of bites Abby looks a lot better. “Thank you. It’s not that I don’t want to eat, I don’t want to throw up,” she says between bites.
“Have you gone to the doctor yet?”
“Yeah. I went after I took the test and got an ultrasound and two more times.” She nods and eats.
“You got to see it?” Jake asks in a small, awed voice.
She smiles with rosy cheeks. “Yeah. A couple of times.”
“I wish I was there. You would still have gotten rid of it? Aren’t you in love with it?”
She looks into his eyes. “Yeah. I don’t know. I didn’t know what to do. I thought it would be the end of my world, and you can’t say being disowned and dragging my brother down with me is not a big deal, relatively speaking. I wasn’t expecting that. I thought he would kick me out, not cut me off. I’m not in love with it, the baby, I mean. I know I’m supposed to be, and I know you all expect me to be. I’m trying, but all I think is it’s destroyed my life and it’s making me feel like shit every minute of every day and it sucks. I’ve been trying, but no, I’m not in love with it.” She looks up to blink back tears.
Jake moves to her and holds her thigh. “It’s okay. I don’t expect anything from you. I’m sorry the little fucker is making you feel like shit. For reals.”
She laughs, and cries, wiping tears away. “Thank you. And I’m sorry for expecting you to be someone you’re not.”
“I can be the person you think I should be. I’ve never had the opportunity. I don’t want to run away from you, it’s a habit, but I’m willing to learn. I’ve been trying to survive, not anything else. I have my brothers to take care of. I’m sorry I didn’t treat you any different than I’ve treated anyone else. I’m sorry. I’ve lived my life this way for a longtime. Usually I tell my sister where I am and she tells whoever needs me where I am.”
“Your sister hates me.”
“She hates everyone.” Jake shrugs.
“She doesn’t hate me,” I tell him. “I wish she hated me.”
“No one hates you.”
I guess I’m pretty likeable.
“She doesn’t hate me either.” Mayyim is devouring her burger. Jake might be right.
“How can anyone hate either of you? You’re like the cute couple.” Jake grins, edging closer and closer to Abby.
Abby nods in agreement. “I hate them.”
“That’s because you won’t let yourself love me. If you loved me and let me love you like you should be loved, you’d be the happiest woman alive.”
Ugh. Gross.
She raises her eyebrow. “You think that’s what it is?”
“Yeah. Bitterness.”
“If I start to like you, you’ll break my heart.”
“If you can have a little bit of patience with me, I can be a good guy.”
“I thought you liked me and you would be there for me when my mom died and everything, but you weren’t.”
“I messed up. You’re not the only one who was pissed. I got hot and I messed up. I have a few people who love me enough to care where I go and I can’t explain exactly how it is, but Ezra’s the only one who does it right and I let myself get mad at him because I felt guilty. Because I lied to him about you. I’m sorry. If I could do it over I would.”
“What does Ezra do that makes it okay?” she asks, unsure.
“I don’t know but I feel a lack of judgment.”
Hmm. Our relationship is different. “But I’m also not your girlfriend or the mother of your child so I have nothing to judge you about. And I’m not your crazy sister.”
“Is that what it is?”
“Yeah. Don’t bring me into this. I’m just here for the food.”
“I thought you were here for moral support.”
“Yeah, well, that’s it.”
“Who was the girl you were with?” Abby asks, eating, trying not to sound too intense.
Jake looks at her, pink crawling up his neck. “I’m sorry.”
“Who is she? If I was your girlfriend and the mother of your child should I be jealous and want to cry my eyes out all alone in my room?” she asks him.
He looks at her, the wheels in his head turning. “I don’t know. If we’re being honest. I’ve known her for a long time and I guess she’s another habit.”
“Have you been with her while you’ve been with me?” she looks deep in his eyes, daring him to lie.
“I don’t think so. She’s had a boyfriend for about six months.”
“If I was your girlfriend, I wouldn’t want you to be with anyone but me,” she tells him.
He nods. “I think I can do that.”
“If you can’t, then I can’t be your girlfriend. And you’re not going to lie to me, because if you lie to me I can’t trust you, and I can’t be your girlfriend then, either.”
“I know.”
“And we all know how we should feel about the drug thing. We’re all adults. We can’t be so immature to think drugs are okay.”
“They’re not.”
“And as a parent I can’t ever do that. And all I expect is for you to do the same.”
“Okay. Thank you for giving me a chance.”
“I’m not. I’m just telling you what I’ve been crying my eyes out about.”
“I want you to be my girlfriend, though. I want you to want to marry me.” He was so hopeful and now he’s confused.
“I’m not saying no, I’m saying I’m hungry and I feel disgusting and my mom just died, and I lost everything, and I’m going to have a kid with some guy I thought I knew but it turns out I don’t and I don’t want to be tempted into making bad decisions because I’m lonely.”
He nods, getting it. “So my goal is to make myself as tempting as possible.”
She shakes her head. “Oh my God. No, your goal is to be a good father.”
“I think my goal is to get you to love me.” He smiles seductively. “You know, Love is my middle name.”
I laugh, almost shooting root beer from my nose. This whole thing is so weird.
I see Mayyim out of the corner of my eye and remember my baby and get all warm and tingly. I look at her and she’s smiling at me, giddy. I can’t eat any more. My stomach is in knots. I don’t want anything bad to happen to either of them. I love her so much. I want to make love to her all day, every day. And she’s going to have my baby.
I put our food down and we fall together like magnets not able to resist each other.
We’re gonna have a baby.
Abby says ugh far away outside of my realm of togetherness. They can eat in her room and I don’t care where they go. All I can think is I want to get this excitement out of my body because it hurts.
I am her lover. I don’t care what people say. I married this girl so we could be lovers and I love her like I’ve never loved anyone, and she’s gonna have my baby.
Chapter 38
I want to stay in bed all day but I started school last week.
“Come back to bed.” Mayyim breathes against my neck, touching my chest from behind.
I crawl back into bed and hold her while she hugs me.
I can leave late.
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