The chief replied, “Who is it? Not the senator again?”
The trooper said, “No, even more important.”
“It isn’t the president, is it?”
“No, more important.”
“Well, WHO is it?” screamed the chief.
“I don’t know,” said the trooper, “but whoever he is, he’s got the pope as his chauffeur.”
BIBLE HUMOR
Q: Is baseball recorded in the Bible?
A: Yes. In the BIG-inning, Rebekah took the pitcher to the well, David struck out Goliath, and the prodigal son made a home run.
Q: What time of day was Adam created?
A: Right before Eve.
Q: The ark’s top-story windows opened to the sky for light and air. How did Noah get light to the dark recesses of the ark?
A: He used floodlights.
Q: Why couldn’t Cain please God with his sacrifice?
A: Because he wasn’t Abel.
Q: Who was the wealthiest male financier in the Bible?
A: Noah. He was floating his stock while everybody else was in liquidation.
Q: Where is the first tennis match mentioned in the Bible?
A: When Joseph served in Pharaoh’s court.
All I really needed to know, I learned from Noah’s ark.
• Plan ahead. It wasn’t raining when Noah built the ark.
• Stay fit. When you’re six hundred years old, someone might ask you to do something really big.
• Don’t listen to critics—do what has to be done.
• Build on high ground.
• For safety’s sake, travel in pairs.
• If you can’t fight or flee—float!
• Don’t forget that we’re all in the same boat.
• Don’t miss the boat.
Bible quiz
Q: What kind of man was Boaz before he married?
A: Ruthless.
Q: What do they call pastors in Germany?
A: German shepherds.
Q: What kind of motor vehicles are in the Bible?
A: Jehovah drove Adam and Eve out of the garden in a Fury. David’s Triumph was heard throughout the land. And Honda, because the apostles were all in one Accord.
Q: What excuse did Adam give to his children as to why he no longer lived in Eden?
A: “Your mother ate us out of house and home.”
Q: What servant of God was the most flagrant lawbreaker in the Bible?
A: Moses—he broke all Ten Commandments at once.
Q: What area of Palestine was especially wealthy?
A: The area around Jordan. The banks were always overflowing.
Q: Who is the greatest babysitter mentioned in the Bible?
A: David. He rocked Goliath to a very deep sleep.
Q: What Bible character had no parents?
A: Joshua, son of Nun.
There was a very gracious lady who was mailing an old family Bible to her brother in another part of the country. “Is there anything breakable in here?” asked the postal clerk.
“Only the Ten Commandments,” answered the lady.
A pastor moved into a new town and went out one Saturday to visit his neighbors. All went well until he came to one house. It was obvious that someone was home, but no one came to the door even after he knocked and knocked and knocked.
Finally he took out his business card and wrote on the back, “Revelation 3:20,” and stuck it in the door. (Revelation 3:20 reads: “Behold, I stand at the door, and knock: if any man hear my voice, and open the door, I will come in to him, and will sup with him, and he with me.”)
The next day one of the ushers came up to him after the service and gave the pastor that same card. Below his message of Revelation 3:20 was Genesis 3:10. (Here was the reply from Genesis 3:10: “I heard thy voice . . . and I was afraid, because I was naked.”)
A ten-year-old, under the tutelage of her grandmother, was becoming quite knowledgeable about the Bible. Then one day she floored her grandmother by asking, “Which virgin was the mother of Jesus—the Virgin Mary or the King James Virgin?”
KID’S VIEWS OF THE OLD TESTAMENT
• Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree.
• Noah’s wife was called Joan of Ark.
• Noah built the ark, and the animals came on in pears.
• Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the Ten Amendments.
• The Fifth Commandment is humoring thy father and mother.
Biblical question
A father was reading Bible stories to his young son. He read, “The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city, but his wife looked back and was turned to salt.”
His son asked, “But what happened to the flea?”
THE PASTOR AND HIS FLOCK
Nothing personal
“I hope you didn’t take it personally, Reverend,” an embarrassed woman said after a church service, “when my husband walked out during your sermon.”
“I did find it rather disconcerting,” the preacher replied.
“It’s not a reflection on you, sir,” insisted the churchgoer. “Ralph has been walking in his sleep ever since he was a child.”
Two men crashed in their private plane on a South Pacific island. Both survived. One of the men brushed himself off and then proceeded to run all over the island to see if they had any chance of survival. When he returned, he rushed up to the other man and screamed, “This island is uninhabited, there is no food, there is no water. We are going to die!”
The other man leaned back against the fuselage of the wrecked plane, folded his arms, and responded, “No, we’re not. I make over $100,000 a week.”
The first man grabbed his friend and shook him. “Listen, we are on an uninhabited island. There is no food, no water. We are going to die!”
The other man, unruffled, again responded, “No, I make over $100,000 a week.”
Mystified, the first man, taken aback with such an answer, again repeated, “For the last time, I’m telling you, we are doomed. There is no one else on this island. There is no food. There is no water. We are, I repeat, we are going to die.”
Still unfazed, the first man looked the other in the eyes and said, “Don’t make me say this again. I make over $100,000 per week. I tithe 10 percent. My pastor will find us!”
A minister told his congregation, “Next week I plan to preach about the sin of lying. To help you understand my sermon, I want you all to read Mark 17.”
The following Sunday as he prepared to deliver his sermon, the minister asked for a show of hands. He wanted to know how many had read Mark 17. Every hand went up.
The minister smiled and said, “Mark has only 16 chapters. I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying.”
The poor country pastor was livid when he confronted his wife with the receipt for a $250 dress she had bought. “How could you do this!” he exclaimed.
“I don’t know,” she wailed. “I was standing in the store looking at the dress. Then I found myself trying it on. It was like the devil was whispering to me, ‘Gee, you look great in that dress. You should buy it.’”
“Well,” the pastor persisted, “you know how to deal with him! Just tell him, ‘Get behind me, Satan!’”
“I did,” replied his wife. “But then he said, ‘It looks great from back here too.’”
One Sunday after church a mom asked her very young daughter what the lesson was about. The daughter answered, “Don’t be scared; you’ll get your quilt.” Needless to say, the mom was perplexed.
Later in the day, the pastor stopped by for tea, and the mom asked him what that morning’s Sunday school lesson had been about. He said, “Be not afraid; thy comforter is coming.”
Good news/bad news
A minister stood in front of his congregation and announced, “I have good news and bad news. The good news is we have enough money to pay for our new building program. The bad news is that it’s still in your pockets.”
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br /> Watching the signs
A local priest and pastor stood by the side of the road holding up a sign that read, “The end is near! Turn yourself around now before it’s too late!” They planned to hold up the sign to each passing car.
“Leave us alone, you religious nuts!” yelled the first driver as he sped by.
From around the curve, they heard a big splash.
“Do you think,” said one clergyman to the other, “we should just put up a sign that says ‘Bridge Out’ instead?”
Right answer (kind of)
The pastor was talking to a group of young children about being good and going to heaven. At the end of his talk, he asked, “Where do you want to go?”
“Heaven!” they all piped up.
“And what do you have to do to get there?” asked the pastor.
“Be dead!” shouted one little boy.
At Sunday school, the teacher was teaching on the good Samaritan. She said, “What would you do if you saw a man bleeding beside the road?”
A student jumped up and said, “I’d faint!”
What an answer
A pastor, known for his lengthy sermons, noticed a man get up and leave during the middle of his message. The man returned just before the conclusion of the service.
Afterward the pastor asked the man where he had gone. “I went to get a haircut,” was the reply.
“But,” said the pastor, “why didn’t you do that before the service?”
“Because,” the gentleman replied, “I didn’t need one then.”
At Sunday school they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny, a child in the kindergarten class, seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam’s ribs.
Later in the week his mother noticed him lying on his bed as though he were ill. She said, “Johnny, what is the matter?”
Little Johnny responded, “I have a pain in my side. I think I’m going to have a wife!”
Praise and worship was really rocking in a Spirit-filled church of about two thousand when a hooded terrorist appeared at the sanctuary entrance with an automatic weapon. Shouting loudly he said, “All right, all you who are ready to die for your Christ can stay right where you are!”
Immediately, hundreds upon hundreds rose to flee out of every exit.
When about twenty-five were left in the sanctuary, the disguised associate pastor removed his hood and announced, “OK, Pastor, we got rid of all the lukewarm Christians. Now you can begin your sermon!”
The artist
A Sunday school teacher began her lesson with the question, “Boys and girls, what do we know about God?”
A hand shot up in the air, “I know! I know! He’s an artist!” said one little boy.
“Really? How do you know that?” asked the puzzled teacher.
“Oh, you know—‘Our Father, who does art in heaven.’”
Groaner
The custodian of a church quit, and the pastor of the church asked the organist if she would be able also to clean the church sanctuary.
The organist thought before replying, “Do you mean that I now have to mind my keys and pews?”
Give us this day
The CEO of Smith Foods arranged a meeting with the head of a powerful church. “Reverend,” he said, “Smith Foods is prepared to donate $100 million to your church if you change the Lord’s Prayer from, ‘Give us this day our daily bread,’ to ‘Give us this day our daily chicken.’”
The minister responded, “That is impossible. The prayer is permanent; it must not be changed.”
“OK. We at Smith Foods respect your faith, but we do have one more offer. We will give the church $500 million.”
Later, the minister met with his elders with the good news: “We have come into $500 million.” And the bad news: “We’re losing the Wonder Bread account.”
Prayer
Three preachers sat discussing the best positions for prayer while a telephone repairman worked nearby. “Kneeling is definitely best,” claimed one.
“No,” another contended. “I get the best results standing with my hands outstretched to heaven.”
“You’re both wrong,” the third insisted. “The most effective prayer position is lying prostrate, face down on the floor.”
The repairman could contain himself no longer. “Hey, fellas,” he interrupted. “The best prayin’ I ever did was hangin’ upside down from a telephone pole.”
More short ones
After the birth of their child, an Episcopal priest, wearing his clerical collar, visited his wife in the hospital. He greeted her with a hug and a kiss, and gave her another hug and kiss when he left. Later, the wife’s roommate commented, “Your pastor is sure friendlier than mine.”
Bible knowledge
A Sunday school teacher asked her students to draw a picture of their favorite Old Testament story. As she moved around the class, she saw there were many wonderful drawings being done. Then she came across the drawing of one little boy. He was busy drawing a man driving an old car. In the backseat were two passengers—both scantily dressed.
“It’s a lovely picture,” prompted the teacher, “but which story does it tell?”
The little boy seemed surprised at the question. “Well,” he exclaimed, “doesn’t it say in the Bible that God drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden of Eden?”
Church humor
“If absence makes the heart grow fonder,” said a minister, “a lot of folks must love our church.”
Mother’s orders
One Sunday morning, a mother knocked on her son’s door and told him it was time to get up and go to church.
“I’m not going to church this morning,” the son replied.
“You gotta get up and go to church,” said the mother.
“No, I’m not,” said the son.
“Yes, you are,” said the mother.
“No, I’m not. They don’t like me, and I don’t like them. Give me two good reasons why I have to go.”
“Number one, you’re fifty-five years old, and number two, you’re the pastor!”
The sure cure
Three pastors in the South were having lunch in a diner.
One said, “You know, since summer started, I’ve been having trouble with bats in my loft and attic at church. I’ve tried everything—noise, spray, cats—nothing seems to scare them away.”
Another said, “Me, too. I’ve got hundreds living in the belfry and in the narthex attic. I’ve even had the place fumigated, and they won’t go away.”
The third said, “I baptized all mine and made them members of the church. Haven’t seen one back since!”
My home church welcomes all denominations, but mainly they prefer tens and twenties.
A big mistake
An IRS agent went into a minister’s study. “Pastor,” he said, “do you know a Mr. Karten?”
“Yes, I do.”
“Is he a member of your congregation?”
“Yes, he is.”
“Did he make the $100,000 donation he’s claiming on his return?”
“I assure you that he will!”
Answering prayers
The Wednesday night church service coincided with the last day of hunting season. During the service, our pastor asked who had bagged a deer. No one raised a hand.
Puzzled, the pastor said, “I don’t get it. Last week many of you said you wouldn’t be at church Sunday because of hunting season. I had the whole congregation pray for your deer.”
One hunter said, “Well, preacher, it worked. They’re all safe.”
Knowing the subject
A Sunday school teacher was teaching her young students about Noah and the ark. She asked them what they thought Noah must have done to pass the time in the ark for forty days. After waiting a few moments, the teacher suggested, “Maybe he did a lot of fishing. How about that?”
One little boy gave her a funny look and said, “I don’t
think so. It’s kinda hard to fish with just two worms!”
A minister asked a group of children in Sunday school class, “Why do you love God?”
He received a variety of answers, but the one he liked best was, “I don’t know, sir. I guess it just runs in our family.”
Shorties
In his Sunday morning sermon, a preacher recently announced that there are 726 different kinds of sin. Since that Sunday morning, he has been besieged with requests for the list, mostly from people who are afraid that they are missing something.
A Sunday school teacher challenged her children to take some time on Sunday afternoon to write a letter to God. They were to bring back their letter the following Sunday.
One little boy wrote, “Dear God, We had a good time at church today. Wish You could have been there.”
“I’ve been racking my brains, but I can’t place you,” one man said to another at a gathering. “And you look very much like somebody I have seen a lot—somebody I don’t like, but I can’t tell you why. Isn’t that strange?”
“Nothing strange about it,” the other man said. “You have seen me a lot, and I know why you resent me. For two years I passed the collection plate in your church.”
The church service was over. The pastor stood at the door shaking hands with the people as they left. A woman shook his hand and said, “You know what? I don’t think I’ll come back anymore. Every time I come, either you sing ‘He Arose’ or ‘Silent Night, Holy Night.’”
HUMOR IN HEAVEN
A man and his wife died and went to heaven at the same time. When they walked in, St. Peter said, “And this is your mansion,” showing them a beautiful fifty-room mansion. The man said, “Who is going to pay the light bill?”
St. Peter said, “It’s all paid!”
Then he showed them a beautiful lake and their own personal boat. The man said, “Well, who is going to pay the gas bill for the boat?”
St. Peter said, “It’s all paid.”
Then he took them to a beautiful golf course, and the man said, “But who is going to pay the greens fee?”
St. Peter said, “It’s all paid for.”
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