Laugh Yourself Healthy

  When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, “Wait just a minute!”

  She had a box with her. She came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down and rolled it away. Her friend said, “Girl, I know you weren’t foolish enough to put all that money in there with that man.”

  She said, “Listen, I’m a Christian; I can’t lie. I promised him that I was going to put his money in that casket with him, and that’s what I did.”

  Her friend was amazed, “You mean to tell me you put all his money in the casket with him?”

  “I sure did,” said the wife. “I wrote him a check.”

  The last of the big spenders

  A man and a woman walked into a very posh Main Street furrier. “Show the lady your finest mink!” the fellow said. So the owner of the shop showed them an absolutely gorgeous full-length coat.

  As the lady tried it on, the furrier discreetly whispered to the man, “Ah, sir, that particular fur goes for $65,000.”

  “No problem! I’ll write you a check.”

  “Very good, sir,” said the shop owner. “Today is Saturday. You may come by on Monday to pick it up after the check has cleared.”

  So the man and the woman left.

  On Monday, the fellow returned. The storeowner was outraged. “How dare you show your face in here? There wasn’t a single penny in your checking account!”

  “I just had to come by,” grinned the guy, “to thank you for the most wonderful weekend of my life!”

  Surprise performance

  A lady threw a party for her granddaughter and went all out—a caterer, a band, and a hired clown. Just before the party started, two homeless men showed up looking for a handout.

  Feeling sorry for them, the woman told them that she would give them a meal if they would help chop some wood for her out back. Gratefully, they headed to the rear of the house.

  The guests arrived, and all was going well. But then the clown called to report that he was stuck in traffic and would probably not make the party at all.

  The woman was very disappointed and unsuccessfully tried to entertain the children herself. She happened to look out the window and saw one of the hired men doing cartwheels across the lawn. She watched in awe as he swung from tree branches, did midair flips, and leaped high in the air.

  She spoke to the other man and said, “What your friend is doing is absolutely marvelous. I have never seen such a thing. Do you think your friend would consider repeating this performance for the children at the party today? I would pay him $100!”

  The other fellow said, “Well, I dunno. Let me ask him.

  “Hey, Willie! For $100, would you chop off another toe?”

  Reading the will

  A lawyer was reading the will of a rich man to the people mentioned in the will: “To my loving wife, Rose, who stood by me in the rough times as well as the good—the house and $2 million.

  “To my daughter, Jessica, who looked after me in illness and kept the business going—the yacht, the business, and $1 million.

  “And to my cousin, Dan, who hated me, argued with me, and thought I would not remember him in my will—you were wrong. Hello, Dan!”

  A woman came home, screeched her car into the driveway, ran into the house, and shouted at the top of her lungs: “Fred, pack your bags, I won the lottery!”

  Fred said, “That’s great. What should I pack—beach stuff or mountain stuff?”

  The wife yelled back, “It doesn’t matter . . . just get out!”

  Fatherly advice

  The junior Murray had become involved in a financial tangle. In a moment of weakness he had loaned a friend $500 without getting a receipt.

  Then the young man found that he needed his money back. In desperation, he consulted his father. The father said, “Oh, that’s easy, son. Write him and say you need the $1,000 you loaned him.”

  The young Murray said, “You mean $500.”

  “I do not,” said the father. “You say $1,000, and he will immediately write back that he owes you only $500. Then you have it in writing.”

  Nothing ventured

  The girl was very rich, and the young man was poor but honest. She liked him, but that was all, and he knew it. One night he had been a little more tender than usual. “You are very rich,” he ventured.

  “Yes,” she replied frankly. “I am worth $1,250,000.”

  “And I am poor.”

  “Yes.”

  “Will you marry me?”

  “No.”

  “I thought you wouldn’t.”

  “Then why did you ask me?”

  “Oh, just to see how a man feels when he loses $1,250,000.”

  The young lady told her friend that she was going to marry a rather eccentric millionaire.

  “But,” her friend said, “everyone thinks he’s a little bit cracked.”

  “He may be cracked,” the young lady said, “but he certainly isn’t broke.”

  A success story

  An up-and-coming yuppie finally established a software firm in Columbia, Maryland. A friend asked him how he managed to “stick it out” during the lean startup period.

  “It was easy,” replied the new entrepreneur. “I just rolled up my sleeves, worked longer and harder, then borrowed a hundred thousand dollars from my parents.”

  $$$$

  A one-dollar bill met a twenty-dollar bill. “Hey, where have you been?

  I haven’t seen you around here much.”

  The twenty answered, “I’ve been hanging out at the casinos, went on a cruise, back to the U.S. for a while, went to a couple of baseball games, to the mall, out to eat, over to the mountains, the beach . . . that kind of stuff. How about you?”

  To this the one-dollar bill replied with a sigh, “Oh, you know, same old stuff . . . church, church, church.”

  WHAT WE’LL DO FOR A BUCK!

  Fighting fire

  One dark night outside a small town, a fire started inside the local chemical plant. Before long it exploded into flames, and an alarm went out to fire departments for miles around. After fighting the fire for over an hour, the chemical company president approached the fire chief and said, “All of our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved! I will give $50,000 to the engine company that brings them out safely!”

  As soon as the chief heard this, he ordered the firemen to strengthen their attack on the blaze. After two more hours of attacking the fire, the president of the company offered $100,000 to the engine company that could bring out the company’s secret files.

  From the distance a long siren was heard, and another fire truck came into sight. It was a local volunteer fire company composed entirely of men over sixty-five. To everyone’s amazement, the little fire engine raced through the chemical plant gates and drove straight into the middle of the inferno. In the distance, the other firemen watched as the old timers hopped off their rig and began to fight the fire with an effort that no one had ever seen before. After an hour of intense fighting, the volunteer company had extinguished the fire and saved the secret formulas.

  Joyously the chemical company president announced that he would double the reward to $200,000 and walked over to thank each of the volunteers personally.

  After thanking each of the old men individually, the president asked the group what they intended to do with the reward money.

  The fire-truck driver looked him right in the eye and said, “The first thing we’re going to do is fix the brakes on that truck!”

  Smart advertising

  A man traveling in southern Oklahoma was heading toward Texas. He saw a sign reading, “Last chance for $1.25 gas.” So even though he still had a quarter tank, he stopped to fill up.

  As he was paying for his gas, he asked the clerk, “How much is gas in Texas?”

  The clerk answered, “$1.10.”

  Advertising

  A
bank opened a branch near a cemetery. In the window the president put a sign that read, “You can’t take it with you when you go, but here’s a chance to be near it!”

  More of the same

  A millionaire was walking into the building he owned when a man came over and said, “Mr. Bronson, you probably don’t remember me, but twenty years ago—on this very spot—I asked you for ten dollars, and you gave me ten dollars. I’ve never forgotten that.”

  “Ah, the goodness of mankind,” smiled Mr. Bronson. “And now you’ve come to pay me back.”

  “Not exactly,” said the man frankly. “I was just wondering if you’ve got another ten.”

  This and that

  When a person’s outgo exceeds his income, his upkeep may be his downfall.

  Advice

  The coed came running in tears to her father, “Dad, you gave me some bad advice!”

  “I did? What?”

  “You told me to put my money in that big bank, and now that big bank is in trouble!”

  “What makes you say that?” asked her confused father.

  “They just returned one of my checks with a note saying, ‘Insufficient Funds.’”

  Having money can’t buy everything, but then again neither can having no money.

  Money can’t buy happiness, but it can help you look for it more quickly in a convertible.

  I decided to stop worrying about my teenage daughter’s driving and take advantage of it. I got one of those bumper stickers that say, “How’s my driving?” and put a 900 number on it. At fifty cents a call, I’ve been making thirty-eight dollars a week.

  Bumper sticker

  “I’ve taken a vow of poverty. To annoy me, send money.”

  CREDIT MANAGER: Do you have any money in the bank?

  LOAN APPLICANT: Certainly.

  CREDIT MANAGER: How much?

  LOAN APPLICANT: I don’t know. I haven’t shaken it lately.

  I received some bad news today. You know the money you get from those ATM machines? All that money comes from your account!

  A woman was telling her friend, “It is I who made my husband a millionaire.”

  “And what was he before you married him?” asked the friend.

  The woman replied, “A billionaire.”

  One friend said to the other, “Look, we’ve been friends for a long time. I know what you’re losing on the market. Tell me, this has to affect your sleep. How do you sleep at night?”

  The other person says, “Like a baby.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “I wake up every two hours and cry my eyes out!”

  THE BUSINESS OF MONEY

  World famous

  An American tourist in Tel Aviv was about to enter the impressive Mann Auditorium to take in a concert by the Israel Philharmonic. He was admiring the unique architecture, the sweeping lines of the entrance, and the modern décor throughout the building. Finally he turned to his escort and asked if the building was named for Thomas Mann, the world-famous author.

  “No,” his escort said, “it’s named for Frederic Mann, from Philadelphia.”

  “Really? I have never heard of him. What did he write?”

  “A check.”

  You get what you pay for

  A man took his place in the theater, but his seat was too far from the stage. He gestured to the usher and told him, “This is a mystery, and I have to watch a mystery up close. Get me a better seat, and I’ll give you a handsome tip.”

  So the usher moved him to the second row, and the man handed him a quarter. The usher looked at the quarter and then leaned over and whispered, “The wife did it.”

  Just following directions

  The manager of a hotel, finding that a guest had departed without paying his hotel bill, wrote him: “My dear Mr. Smythe, please send the amount of your bill as soon as possible.”

  To this, Mr. Smythe wrote politely: “My dear Mr. Manager, the amount of my bill was one hundred and ten dollars. Yours, respectfully.”

  A window salesman phoned a customer. “Hello, Mr. Brown,” said the sales rep. “I’m calling because our company replaced all the windows in your house with our triple-glazed, weather-tight windows more than a year ago, and you still haven’t sent a single payment.”

  The customer replied, “But you said they would pay for themselves in twelve months.”

  The story of wealth

  A young man asked an old rich man how he had made his money. The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said, “Well, son, it was 1932, depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel. I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple, and at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents. The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 p.m. for twenty cents. I continued this system for a month. By the end of that month, I’d accumulated a fortune of $1.37.”

  The old man paused, cleaned his glasses, put them back on, and looked the young man straight in the eyes. “Then my wife’s father died and left us two million dollars.”

  What a heart

  The staff at a local United Way office realized that it had never received a donation from one of the town’s most successful businessmen. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute, “Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least one million dollars, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn’t you like to give back to the community in some way?”

  The businessman mulled this over for a moment and replied, “First, did your research also show my mother is dying after a long illness and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?”

  Embarrassed, the United Way representative quietly mumbled, “Um . . . no.”

  “Or,” the businessman continued, “that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?”

  The stricken United Way representative began to stammer out an apology but was interrupted when the businessman added, “Or that my sister’s husband died in a traffic accident—leaving her penniless with three children?”

  The humiliated United Way representative simply said, “I had no idea.”

  The businessman cut him off, “So, if I don’t give any money to them, why should I give any to you?”

  Practical business

  A customer sent an order to a distributor for a large amount of goods totaling a great deal of money.

  The distributor noticed that the previous bill hadn’t been paid. The collections manager sent a voicemail for them saying, “We can’t ship your new order until you pay for the last one.”

  The next day the collections manager received a fax from the customer: “Please cancel the order. We can’t wait that long.”

  A shrewd businessman

  A gentleman walked into a bank in New York City and asked for the loan officer. He said he was going to Europe on business for two weeks and needed to borrow $5,000.

  The bank officer answered that the bank would need some kind of security for such a loan, but that the bank would be happy to consider the loan. So the gentleman handed over the keys to a new Rolls Royce parked on the street in front of the bank.

  Everything checked out, and the bank agreed to accept the car as collateral for the loan. An employee drove the Rolls into the bank’s underground parking and parked it there.

  Two weeks later, the gentleman returned, repaid the $5,000 and the interest, which came to $15.41. The loan officer said, “We are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely. But we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is why would you bother to borrow $5,000? You obviously don’t need to borrow such money.”

  The gentleman replied, “Where else in New York can I park my car safely for two weeks for fifteen bucks?”

  MONEY VICES

  A clean little Johnny joke


  Little Johnny’s father wanted to cure his son of gambling. He asked the boy’s principal for help.

  The next day the principal called the boy’s father. “I think I have cured your son of gambling,” he said.

  “How did you do it?” asked Johnny’s father.

  “Well, he looked at my beard and said, ‘Sir, is that beard real or false? I wouldn’t mind betting five dollars that it is false.’

  “‘All right,’ I replied. ‘I’ll take your bet. Now pull it and see.’ Of course, my beard is real,” said the principal. “He had to pay me five dollars, so I’m sure that will cure him of gambling.”

  “Oh, no!” groaned the father. “Last night he bet me ten dollars that you’d let him pull your beard!”

  eleven

  SMILING AT THE LAW

  PECULIAR LAWS

  Did you know it is against the law to let a monkey smoke a cigarette in Indiana?

  It is also against the law in Pennsylvania for a man to put an ice cream cone in his hip pocket.

  Love conquers all

  My Uncle George likes to drive sports cars—unfortunately not always with the owner’s permission. Anyway, he was serving some time in prison—again—when the nicest thing happened to him. He married the warden’s daughter.

  The warden didn’t mind so much that his daughter married my Uncle George, but he was a little upset that they eloped.

  INTERPRETING THE LAW

  Insanity plea

  The district attorney stared at the jury in disbelief. Bitterly he asked, “What possible excuse could you have for acquitting this man?”

  The foreman answered, “Insanity.”

  The district attorney quickly asked, “All twelve of you?”

  Gaining freedom

  A prison warden had an unusual manner for determining afternoon passes. He would call the eligible prisoners in one at a time and ask them two questions. If they correctly answered both, they could gain an afternoon pass.