by Glazer, J B
“Do you want to split an appetizer?” Jake asks.
“Sure. What do you want?”
“You know I’ll eat anything. You choose.”
“OK, let’s do the bruschetta.”
“Done. Now, are you going to tell me what’s bothering you?”
I didn’t realize he’d noticed. “It’s nothing,” I say hesitantly. I don’t feel like getting into a fight.
“Lexi, it’s obviously something. You’ve been pissed off all afternoon. The least you can do is tell me what’s wrong.”
“Fine,” I say with a sigh. “I’m getting really sick of having to hide our relationship. I want to be able to go out to a restaurant with you on a Saturday night without you looking over your shoulder or having to drive to some remote neighborhood where we won’t run into anyone. I want to be able to arrive at work without having to be dropped off down the block. I want to go out to a movie with you or grab coffee. I want us to be out in the open like any other normal couple. Is that too much to ask?”
“I understand your frustration,” Jake says, “but we’re out in the open in every way that matters to me. I’ve introduced you to my friends and family, which isn’t something I take lightly. I’ve let you into my personal life, and work…well, that’s just business.”
“It’s not just business to me. I feel like you’re hiding from our relationship.”
“You should be one to talk.”
“What do you mean?” I ask him.
“Have you talked to Ben yet?”
“No. What does he have to do with this?”
“Just let me finish,” Jake says. “Why haven’t you talked to him?”
“I’ve told you before—I don’t have anything to say to him.”
“Well, like it or not, he’s a part of your past. And I feel like your avoiding what happened is preventing you from being able to move forward…with me. Do you realize you’ve dodged all my attempts at getting to know your family?” He pauses then says, “Give me your phone.”
Shit, I know what’s coming. Silently I hand it to him. He scrolls through my pictures until he lands on the one of Ben and me. “You still haven’t deleted this,” he says.
What can I say? I stare at him and know he’s right. A part of me is still hanging on to the past. “I didn’t realize you felt that way,” I tell him.
“Well, I do.”
“If it’s important to you, I’ll talk to him.”
“Lexi, you should want to do it for yourself, not for me.”
Feeling bad for being a total bitch, I try to lighten the mood. It takes a little while, but by the time dinner arrives, I feel like Jake has thawed. The food is delicious.
“Here, taste mine,” I say, offering my fork to him.
He takes a bite and agrees. “Want to try mine?” He ordered a seafood pasta.
“No, thanks. Too fishy for me.” After dinner we go for a walk. The restaurant is in a very cute neighborhood. “How did you find this place?” I ask him.
“A client of mine recommended it.”
“We’ll have to come back.”
I lace my fingers through his as we walk. It’s a chilly November evening, and I wish I’d thought to bring my gloves. As we’re walking, a light snow begins to fall, the first of the season. I notice some houses have Christmas decorations. “I love this time of year,” I comment to Jake. “This is the reason I live here. As much as I hate the cold, I couldn’t imagine living somewhere where there isn’t snow for the holidays. When I was younger, we used to travel to Florida during winter break. Everyone had their decorations up, but it just wasn’t the same.” I look at Jake, but his expression is unreadable.
We walk in silence, and after a few minutes, he says, “Lexi, know I’m trying. I want nothing more than to show you off to the world. I do intend to go public with our relationship—I’m just waiting for the right time to tell my uncle. He was very disappointed in me when the scandal with Jessica broke, and it’s taken me a long time to earn back his trust.”
“Oh, you didn’t tell me that.”
“I told you he was supportive, which he was, but I can tell he thought I was being young and foolish. He’s been grooming me so I have a future with the company. I just need to be careful about how I navigate this.”
“I understand, but isn’t this a different situation? You weren’t in a committed relationship like we are.”
“I know. I just want him to take me seriously.” We walk back to the car, and we’re both quiet on the drive home. “Do you want to stay at my place tonight?” Jake asks. “I doubt I’ll find parking by you.”
“That’s fine.”
“You know,” he comments, “you should think about bringing some stuff over aside from just a toothbrush.”
The thought has occurred to me, but I’ve been hesitant about leaving my belongings at his place. On some subconscious level, it feels like a permanent arrangement. I swallow the lump that’s formed in my throat and say, “I will.”
As we’re lying in bed I think about what Jake said, and I know he’s right. I do need to deal with my past so I can move forward with the present. I’ve been holding back from him, afraid to give myself fully. As much as I’ve moved on, I’m still scared of getting hurt again. I never wanted to open myself up to that kind of vulnerability again. But then I met Jake, and he’s given me a reason to question that decision. Giving all of yourself to another person takes a lot of courage. I know Jake thinks I’m strong, but when I look deep within myself, I still feel fragile. The heart is one of the most powerful muscles in the body, so why do I feel the need to protect it?
On Sunday afternoon, I get up the nerve to call Ben. Thankfully I get his voice mail. I leave him a message that I’m ready to talk.
On Monday Jake stops by my office, looking very serious.
“What’s up?”
“I need to talk to you about something. Can we have dinner tonight?”
“Sure. Is everything OK?”
“Yeah, everything’s fine. Meet me at five thirty, and I’ll drive you home.”
“OK, see you later.”
I’m distracted the rest of the afternoon. What could he want to talk to me about? I briefly wonder whether he’s going to ask me to move in with him, but considering he won’t tell people we’re dating, that would be a bit extreme. I make it through the rest of the day and walk the few blocks to our designated meeting spot. He’s on the phone the entire drive back, so I can’t ask him what this is about. Miraculously he finds a parking spot in front of my building. We walk in, and I ask him if he wants to order in or go out. I don’t know if he answers because I’m suddenly paralyzed. There, sitting on a chair in my lobby, is Ben. He stands up when he sees me.
“Hi, Lexi,” he says quietly.
When I manage to find my voice, I say, “What are you doing here?”
“You said you were ready to talk. I wanted to do it in person.”
It takes me a minute to regain my composure. I look uncomfortably at Jake, and I can tell he knows who Ben is. My manners take over, and I make introductions. “Ben, this is Jake. Jake, this is Ben.”
“Hey,” says Ben.
Jake gives him a curt nod. He turns to me and says, “Well, you two have a lot to talk about. Call me later.”
“I will,” I say to his retreating back.
After he walks away, Ben says, “It’s good to see you. I’ve missed you.” I don’t say anything. “Can we go somewhere and talk?”
“Fine. There’s a coffee shop around the corner.” No way am I bringing him up to my apartment.
We walk there in silence. The place is busy, but a few tables are open. “Sit down. I’ll get us some coffee. Do you want your usual?” I nod. It’s weird that he knows me so well, yet now he’s like a perfect stranger. I sit, still reeling from the fact that he’s here. As he’s standing in line, I study him. He looks exactly the same, and I’m slightly resentful he doesn’t show any signs of suffering. He returns with our cof
fee.
“So how have you been?”
“I’m fine.”
“Was that your boyfriend?”
“Yes,” I tell him. “I’ve moved on. You should too.” Maybe he already has. I look at him expectantly. He seems nervous.
“Why didn’t you return any of my calls? Why wouldn’t you talk to me?”
“What’s there to say? I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with you, and the minute I leave town, you’re sleeping with someone else. Clearly I wasn’t enough for you. And I guess I never wanted to know why.”
“Is that what you think?”
“Yes. What am I supposed to think?”
“Lexi, you were enough for me…are enough for me. I just got freaked out with the pressure of the wedding. And I was working long hours, and you were traveling a lot. It was a stressful time. I didn’t intend for any of it to happen. I stopped by your office that day you called and said you left a file at work. Claire happened to be in the lobby. I remembered her from your holiday party. She started talking to me, and one thing led to another.”
“How exactly does one thing lead to another?”
“I don’t know,” he says. “She was flirting me with me, and I could tell she was interested. I was flattered, so I flirted back, thinking it was harmless. I mentioned you were out of town, and she asked me if I wanted company. I said no but felt kind of bad for giving her the wrong impression. She seemed to understand and asked me to have a drink with her. I figured I owed her that much. One drink turned into many. Look, I screwed up. You don’t think I know that? I jeopardized my future with the one person who mattered most. Lexi, I want to be with you. Since you’ve been gone, you’re all I can think about. I can’t imagine being with anyone else. I still love you.”
I digest this news. “Ben, part of me will always love you too. But I could never trust you. I’d always be questioning your whereabouts and intentions. And as much as you say it wasn’t about me, something was missing for you if you needed to seek something outside of our relationship. That’s not something I can get past.”
He looks at me sadly. “I’m so sorry, Lexi.”
“So am I.”
“Does this new guy make you happy?”
“Yes, he does.”
“Good. That’s all I want for you—to be happy.”
“I hope you’ll be happy too.”
I honestly mean it. And with those words, I’m finally able to let go of the anger I’ve been carrying around for so long. Now I understand what Jake meant. It was always there, even if I couldn’t see it. I have nothing left to say, so I stand up. Outside, Ben gives me a big hug. He tries to kiss me, but I turn my head. He gets into a cab, and I watch as he drives away, knowing it will probably be the last time I’ll ever see him. Tears sting my eyes as the reality sinks in that I’ll never speak to him again. He was such an important part of my life for so long, and now that chapter is finally closed. I take a deep, cathartic breath. Then I pull out my phone and scroll until I find the picture of the two of us. “Good-bye,” I whisper, then hit “delete” and head straight to Jake’s place.
I knock on the door, and he opens it, surprised to see me. “Can I come in?”
“Of course.”
He looks distraught and makes no move to touch me. I sit down on the couch. “I’m sorry. I didn’t know he was coming, and it caught me off guard.”
“I understand. How’d things go?”
“Good, actually. You were right. I should have spoken to him a long time ago. We definitely had unfinished business.” Jake rakes a hand through his hair but doesn’t say anything. It’s weird to see him acting so subdued. “He was my everything for so long. It was wrong of me to try to avoid dealing with the situation. I guess I thought if I avoided it, the hurt and humiliation would go away. And now that I’ve seen him, it actually has.”
“Lexi, that’s understandable. You guys have a history.” He pauses and says, “I can’t compete with that.”
I see the anguish and fear in his eyes, and then it hits me. He thinks I’m going to go back to Ben. I feel terrible knowing I’ve caused him pain, this man who helped me overcome mine. The protective strings around my heart slowly unravel, revealing my scars, newly healed. Though they will always be there, I now realize the extent of my strength, because I am capable of love again. I just need to let it in. “Jake, yes, we have a history. But you’re my future. I’m sorry I haven’t been able to make my feelings clear to you. I’ve been so scared of getting hurt again that I haven’t fully let you in, although I’m sure you know that. When I called things off with Ben, I never thought I’d be able to feel that way about someone again. But then you came along, and you changed all that. You brought color back into my life. You make me so happy—happier than I ever thought possible. I’m a better person when I’m with you. I want to be with you, not Ben, and not anyone else.” I touch his face and say, “I’m so completely in love with you.” He smiles for the first time all night. I stare into his eyes and feel my own well up with tears. For once I let them fall. He tenderly wipes them away and pulls me in close. “I’m yours,” I whisper. “I’m giving you all of me. Just don’t ever do anything to break my trust.”
He gets a funny look and says, “Lexi, I—”
“Shh. No more talking.” And I cover his lips with mine.
The next morning the alarm goes off, but Jake is already out of bed. I look at him sleepily and mumble, “Why are you up so early?”
“I was having trouble sleeping. But I liked watching you.”
I sit up and ask, “Is something bothering you?” After last night I would have expected him to not have a care in the world. He shakes his head. “That reminds me. Didn’t you have something you wanted to discuss with me?”
He looks at me for a moment and says, “It was nothing important. Being here with you is all that matters.”
“Then come back to bed.”
He crawls into bed next to me and playfully avoids my kisses. “We’ll be late for work,” he admonishes.
“I love you, Jake Hartman, but stop worrying so much.”
“I love hearing you say those words. Say them again.”
“I love you, Jake Hartman.”
And for the first time in as long as I’ve known him, Jake is late for work.
My relationship with Jake is stronger than ever. Whatever weirdness I felt between us seems to have subsided. Maybe it was all in my head. We fall back into our routine. He’s still traveling a lot, but we call and text every day. It’s the Thursday before I’m scheduled to leave for my weekend with him in San Francisco. Around three my office line rings. I see that it’s Jake. He never calls me at work. I close the door and say, “Hi. Is everything all right?”
“Everything’s fine. I just wanted to let you know my sister is in labor.”
“Oh, that’s so exciting!”
“I know, but the timing couldn’t be worse. You were supposed to come visit; Adam is at work; my dad and I are both out of town.”
“Well, I’m sure Adam will make it to the hospital in time. Is she waiting for him to drive her?”
“No, luckily she’s with my mom. She’ll take Kate and Hailey to the hospital, and then she’ll bring Hailey home once Adam gets there.”
“So your mom won’t be able to be there for the delivery?”
“No, she always planned to watch Hailey, so she knew that going in.”
“I can watch Hailey.”
“It’s nice of you to offer, but don’t you have work to do?”
“Yes, but I don’t have any more meetings. And I can take my laptop with me.”
“OK, but how will you get there?”
“Did Adam leave yet?”
“I’m sure he’s long gone.”
“OK, what if I take the train?”
“How would you get to the hospital from the train station?”
“I can take a cab.”
“Lexi, I appreciate your wanting to help, but it
’s just too complicated.”
“What’s complicated about it?”
He hesitates. “Let me call my mom and run it past her.” We hang up, and he calls back a few minutes later. “You made my mom’s day. As long as it’s not too much trouble, she’d love to take you up on your offer.”
“Great. Give me her cell phone number.”
I jot it down, and Jake tells me he’s going to try to get a flight home tonight. “Thanks for doing this, Lexi. It means a lot to me and my family.”
“I’m glad I can help. And I get to spend time with Hailey. It’s a win-win. I am bummed I won’t get to visit you in San Francisco this weekend, but at least we’ll get to spend time together here.”
“I know. I was really looking forward to it too.” He sounds disappointed.
“I promise I’ll come out another time. Call me when you land.”
“OK. Love you.”
“Love you too.”
I look up the train schedule online. If I leave now, I probably can make the three forty-five. I quickly send my team an e-mail then dash out of the office. I decide I’m better off walking to the station than trying to get a cab. It was a good move because I make it with a few minutes to spare. Then I call Jake’s mom to let her know I’ll be at the hospital around five.
“Great news: Adam just got here,” she says.
“That was quick.”
“I know. I don’t want to know how fast he was driving. What time does your train arrive? Hailey and I will pick you up.”
I give her the details, and she profusely thanks me. I tell her I’m happy to do it. When I get off the train, I spot Jake’s mom and Hailey, who’s waving furiously at me from the backseat. I get in, and she excitedly tells me she’s going to be a big sister. “I know. That’s so exciting!” I turn to Nancy and say, “If you want, you can drive to the hospital, and I can take Hailey back to Kate’s house.”
“That’s what I was thinking too. My car has a GPS you can use to get there.”