Tim and Elizabeth sat enthroned at the centre of the group, sipping champagne. At one point Tim locked eyes with Bernadette and they both smiled quickly, acknowledging that they were searching for each other.
Lauren was fixated on Radley, laughing sycophantically whenever he said anything even remotely funny, and nodding in agreement at all other times. She kept eyeing Bernadette in an almost predatory fashion, noting every detail of her outfit and styling.
It was odd, Bernadette thought, that someone as sweet as Elizabeth could have such obnoxious friends. Perhaps diversity was the key to happiness, but it seemed to her that Elizabeth should be surrounded by Amish-type women, hard-working and make-up-free. Instead, she was comfortable with the likes of Lauren, who was frivolous and fake-tanned.
Bernadette was beginning to feel quite protective of Elizabeth, who had clearly been born lacking the necessary wiles. She came at the world with a sanguine belief in the goodness of all mankind that Bernadette had at first suspected of being fakery, but now believed to be the fault of a biochemical imbalance.
They had a bumpy landing in Vegas, where two stretch limos, one for the girls and one for the boys, were waiting to take them to the Bellagio.
‘This is magic,’ Elizabeth said to Bernadette as they climbed into the ridiculous vehicle.
‘This is nothing,’ Bernadette said, with a cat-like gleam in her eyes.
The six-bedroom penthouse was big enough to house the whole group. It was insanely luxurious, with all the obligatory Vegas paraphernalia: an overstocked minibar, several hot tubs, blackout blinds, and a twenty-four-hour butler service. There were gasps of appreciation as they were shown round. Bernadette had arranged for flowers to be strewn everywhere, and the florist had outdone himself. Long-stemmed roses of every hue sat in buckets and vases, and a rainbow of petals covered the beds and floated in filled bathtubs. The suite was an extravagant den of cream marble and pastel silks. Windows, and a terrace, looked out over the famous Bellagio fountains.
‘I’ve never seen anything so amazing. Nurses’ salaries do not cover shit like this,’ exclaimed Gina, who worked with Elizabeth at Cedars-Sinai.
Some confusion arose over bedroom allocation. The rooms were of different sizes, and some were interconnecting. The largest room had been tactfully reserved for Tim and Elizabeth, but Elizabeth caused a stir by suggesting that she share with Bernadette. ‘It’s a bachelorette weekend after all,’ she explained gently. ‘I’d like to spend time with my girlfriends.’
‘Oh goodie. A sleepover,’ said Bernadette drily, although she wasn’t entirely against the plan. In the end it was decided that Bernadette and Elizabeth should share the largest room, with its grand four-poster bed. Radley and Tim were to have the two smallest rooms, which were linked by a larger room for Lauren in the middle.
‘I’d lock the adjoining door if I was you,’ said Bernadette in a whisper to Radley. ‘I bet Lauren’s thrilled at the idea of easy night-time access.’
‘Jealous?’ asked Radley, grinning.
‘Don’t be stupid. I’m just warning you. As a friend.’
‘There are too many doors in this place. It’s like being in Noises Off.’
Bernadette had a faraway look in her eye. She was wondering if it would be possible to get Elizabeth very drunk at some point. If Elizabeth were to pass out in their room, Bernadette could escape to Tim’s room and accost him. ‘Quit wool-gathering and give us our instructions,’ said Radley, stopping her mid-plot.
‘Okay,’ she said, snapping out of it. ‘Everybody!’ she called. ‘We’re here for two nights. Now, as a Vegas regular, I must advise you: as tempting as it is, do not go all out on the first night!’ The group had gathered around Bernadette, laughing and at ease. She was quite enjoying being the centre of attention, and the way Elizabeth stared at her with such admiration was particularly flattering. ‘The key is to pace ourselves. In fact, to avoid a The Hangover-type situation tonight … we’re not going to be in Vegas at all!’
‘What?’ cried several members of her audience. ‘But we’ve just got here! Where are we going?’
‘It’s a surprise,’ she answered, shushing them all. ‘Ladies, dress fancy, but bring something very warm …’
Two helicopters sat like fat black bumblebees, quivering and ready to ascend. The party swarmed to the gigantic machines, whipped to a frenzy of excitement by the whirring blades and the potential for serious adventure.
‘Bernadette! Sit with me!’ cried Elizabeth above the noise, taking Bernadette by the hand. It was childish for two grown women to hold hands like schoolgirls, but there was something so trusting and true in the gesture that Bernadette didn’t shake her off.
‘Okay,’ she said grudgingly. She could afford to spend time on Elizabeth for one evening. The following night would be the moment to go all out for Tim, the right time to cause mischief and mayhem. This night was made for being the perfect bridesmaid.
Once everyone was seated, the helicopters rose straight up into the air – and they were off! It was a thrilling ride over the bright city. The lights were unlike anything else on the planet, a man-made borealis that glowed with the fullest colours of sin. Bernadette loved skylines, and neon, and looking down from great heights, and even though the sun had still not set, the effect was such that it might have been the dead of night.
Elizabeth was smiling like a child with ice cream, her enjoyment so full-bodied and unsullied that it was envy-making. Bernadette wished for the peace of mind that allowed such happiness.
The flight was all too quick, and when the Grand Canyon came in sight, Elizabeth cried out, ‘I knew it!’ – a fifth-grader with perfect marks on a test. They landed at the top of a sheer canyon face, in a feat of aerial manoeuvring that made even fearless Bernadette pale slightly. The pilots cut the engines, and the whirring noise that had become so familiar lessened suddenly. Everyone removed earphones and undid seat belts in merry uproar. They were escorted safely beyond the reach of the propeller blades, and gathered at a scenic point to admire the view. Only Lauren hung back, looking green. ‘I’m afraid of heights!’ she said, quavering.
‘What do you mean, you’re afraid of heights? You were just in a helicopter,’ pointed out Bernadette crossly.
‘I’m not afraid of flying, I’m afraid of heights. It’s a completely different phobia,’ said Lauren, starting to get hysterical.
‘Well I don’t see how it can be a real phobia if you’re fine to go up high in a helicopter. It just doesn’t make logical sense. You’re going to ruin the whole evening,’ Bernadette said. ‘Don’t be an idiot.’
Radley and the others had approached. ‘She says she’s afraid of heights!’ Bernadette said sarcastically, appealing to the group for support.
‘Well if she says she is, I’m sure she is,’ Radley said in a mild tone, giving Bernadette a stern look. He went and took Lauren gently by the arm, leading her away from the canyon edge.
‘Don’t be upset, sweet girl,’ whispered Elizabeth, putting her arm around Bernadette’s waist. ‘This is the best surprise. I love it! Nothing could ruin it.’
‘People can ruin anything,’ Bernadette replied, scowling at Lauren’s back.
‘I know you don’t mean that,’ said Elizabeth, softly.
Radley appeared to have magically calmed Lauren, and the two of them came back to the group all smiles. ‘Lauren is going to be a good sport,’ Radley said, beaming round. ‘She’s going to stick with me and we’ll face the fear together.’
‘Isn’t that convenient?’ muttered Bernadette. Elizabeth heard her and giggled.
‘Radley wouldn’t be interested in Lauren in a million years,’ she whispered. ‘And trust me, she wouldn’t be into him either. She’s—’
‘Don’t you believe it,’ said Bernadette maliciously, cutting her off. She broke into a grin when she thought of how Lauren would react to their dinner reservation. On cue, a couple of guides popped up from a hidden pathway down the canyon side.
‘
Hi!’ said Bernadette, moving to meet them with a wide smile. ‘Are you ready?’
The older of the two nodded. ‘Sure, we’re here to show you around. Ladies and gents!’ He addressed them all. ‘If y’all just step back in the helicopters, it’s only a short hop to your next stop.’
The friends hurriedly snapped pictures of the amazing view, with the sun setting in transcendent fashion over orange rocks. ‘What kind of work are they doing down there?’ asked Chris, pointing to a crane far below on the valley floor.
‘Follow me to the helicopter, and I’ll show you,’ said the older guide, pointing his thumb at the patient machines.
There was a scramble to get back in the transport, everyone ducking low, wary of the moving air only a few feet above. ‘Bernadette’s fucking magical mystery tour,’ said Lauren, ungenerously, as they took off.
The helicopters dropped them right down on the canyon floor, about a mile away from the forty-metre crane Chris had spotted. The guests were taking guesses as to what could be in store. ‘If it’s bungee jumping, you can fuck off,’ Lauren said loudly.
‘It’s not bungee jumping,’ Radley soothed her.
‘How do you know?’
‘Because I helped Bernadette arrange this,’ he said. The statement seemed to have a mollifying effect on Lauren, who was observed to complain less from that point on.
Suddenly Gina shrieked, ‘Donkeys! Oh my God, no way!’
They all turned towards where a group of gentle-tempered donkeys stood, completely unperturbed by the helicopters and the screeching humans. They were saddled and ready to mount. Bernadette confidently followed the two guides, and climbed effortlessly on to the nearest beast.
‘Are you insane?’ Gina asked. ‘Why the hell didn’t you tell us to wear sensible shoes, at least? Or pants? I’m in a short skirt here.’
Bernadette shrugged, looking down from her mount as if she were Lady Godiva on a white stallion. ‘So am I. What else would you wear to ride a mule down the Grand Canyon?’ Gina blinked, nonplussed, but Lauren pushed forward, eager to prove herself.
‘Easy!’ she declared, allowing the younger guide to help her mount. Elizabeth followed suit, giggling uncontrollably, and everyone else did likewise.
‘Too late to turn back now,’ said Mason.
The mules ambled along at an easy pace, allowing the humans to admire the towering canyon walls in the fading light.
‘Bernie, this is already an unforgettable experience,’ said Tim, pulling his donkey next to hers. She smiled at him, and noted that every physical marvel, every wonder of the natural world, was contained in his face alone.
‘I just want Lizzie to have a good time,’ she said, playing her part to perfection.
Tim looked at her gratefully. ‘I can’t tell you how happy that makes me. You’re great, Bernie. No one but you could have thought of something like this. You’re crazy! It’s crazy … but it’s great.’
Bernadette felt the familiar stirring of concern. It was very difficult to predict the reaction of other human beings. Why did people so often call her crazy? She didn’t feel crazy at all.
Tim noticed her reverie, and, giving her a nod and a smile, trotted his animal forward. Radley replaced him, looking like an old-time cowboy.
‘Sometimes I feel like the last bastion of sanity on earth,’ Bernadette said glumly.
‘And you call me a narcissist!’
‘You’re too big for that poor creature,’ Bernadette said, ignoring him and pointing to his donkey. ‘Your vast weight is squashing him. Look how he’s struggling! He can hardly breathe.’
‘Why do you feel like the last sane person on earth?’
‘Because everything inside my head makes so much sense. I’m very logical. I reason from first principles. And yet people call me crazy!’
‘Hmm, tricky,’ said Radley, smiling at her affectionately. ‘Would it help if I told you that right now, you are at your most attractive? Speculative, and grumpy, and riding that donkey like it was nothing at all.’
‘No, that wouldn’t help,’ she replied. ‘That would just put you firmly with the insane masses.’ She stole a glance at him from her tawny eyes, which were turning golden to match the sunset. ‘I thought we had got away from all that.’
‘Away from me wanting you? Never. Look at this place, isn’t it romantic?’
‘It is romantic, yes, but we are not,’ and tapping her mule smartly in the sides, she trotted ahead to catch up with Tim. They were fast approaching the looming crane, and the group was straining its collective neck to see what lay ahead.
‘Tim!’ called Bernadette as she jogged alongside him. ‘Do you like the crane?’
‘It’s pretty big,’ he admitted. ‘What is it?’
‘It’s a surprise!’
‘How did you come up with all this? It isn’t even your kind of thing, is it? Trekking across canyons and the like?’
‘Oh no, it is absolutely my kind of thing! I love trekking, and hiking, and camping, and all that stuff. Really,’ she lied, ‘I’m quite outdoorsy. What makes you think I’m not?’
‘Because of the way you look right now,’ said Tim, laughing his rare, clear laugh. She laughed with him, despite being a little hurt.
When they were within five hundred metres of the base of the crane, the canyon round about them suddenly lit up in riotous colour, a spectacular display that threw reds and golds and oranges up the side of the crevasse, showcasing rock features and making it seem daylight again. It was like nothing they had ever seen, and the whole group, guides included, was awestruck and silent. The unlit part of the landscape was made darker, and it was as if they existed within a bubble of beauty, surrounded on all sides by an impenetrable inky blackness.
‘Oh Radley,’ Elizabeth whispered after she had looked her fill. ‘This must have cost a fortune.’
‘Never mind all that,’ said Radley. ‘It was Bernadette’s doing.’
‘Thank you to both of you for making it possible.’
‘You’re a great woman, Lizzie,’ said Radley, in his softest voice.
The guides helped the group to dismount, and then rounded up the mules, who had played their part for the evening and done it well: not one of them had spooked or bolted. The nine human friends moved toward the giant crane, trying to comprehend what they were seeing. A dining table stood there laden with cutlery and glassware, the scarlet tablecloth a jaunty, lipstick-like slash of cheer.
‘Here’s the deal,’ said Bernadette, turning to them all and grinning. ‘We sit down, we get strapped in, and that crane,’ she waved up above her, ‘winches that table,’ she pointed to the scarlet slash, ‘high up above the canyon floor. And that is where we dine.’ Elizabeth screamed with excitement and threw her arms around Tim’s neck.
‘Actually, that’s pretty cool,’ said Mason, looking to Stephanie for approval. Stephanie nodded her assent.
‘No. Fucking. Way,’ said Lauren, gazing up at the crane in terror. ‘There is no way you’re getting me up on that thing. Are you crazy? Didn’t you think to check if any of us had a fear of heights?’
‘No, I did not,’ said Bernadette, bristling. ‘I imagined that if you’d made the plane ride here at thirty-five thousand feet, and the helicopter tour over Vegas, you would be able to handle a forty-foot dinner reservation.’
‘I’m sure there’s provision for you to eat down here,’ said Radley smoothly, draping a large arm around Lauren’s shoulders. ‘You’ll still be able to appreciate the beauty of the lit canyon from ground level.’
Lauren looked annoyed, as everyone else seemed relieved with this solution. ‘Well that’s going to be a great night for me,’ she spat. ‘Alone at the bottom of the Grand Canyon.’
‘You could always try coming up with us first, and see if you like it,’ Radley continued artlessly. ‘Why don’t you try sitting by me?’
Noting that her audience’s patience was wearing thin, Lauren allowed herself to be speedily cajoled. Radley took her to inspect the
chairs and the harnesses.
‘This is so unlike Radley,’ said Elizabeth, quietly, to Bernadette. ‘He doesn’t suffer fools gladly. Normally he would leave Lauren alone. I think this must be for your benefit. You’re softening him.’
‘It’s nothing to do with me,’ said Bernadette. ‘I’ve never seen him be anything other than completely attentive. He’s particularly kind to the weak, I’ve noticed.’
Elizabeth laughed. ‘That explains why he’s so good to me, then.’
Bernadette found herself putting protective arms around Elizabeth and hugging her tightly. ‘Don’t say you’re weak. You’re not. You’re so much stronger than Lauren, or those other women.’ She was not given to impulsive hugging, and she wondered at herself. But she disliked hearing Elizabeth talk nonsense, disliked the idea that she would have a low opinion of herself when, clearly, she was a being far superior to her awful contemporaries. Bernadette subscribed to the philosophy that the more innocent the victim, the more heinous the crime. And Elizabeth was so innocent and natural, it seemed any crime against her was a truly monstrous thing.
The process of being harnessed to a chair bolted to a table and winched high into the night sky was a unique one. Bernadette enjoyed the giddying feeling, the rush of blood to body parts, and the quick tattoo of her heart. Three chefs on a platform in the middle of the table began serving appetisers even before the contraption moved upwards. Lauren, who was sitting next to Radley, could be heard saying loudly, ‘Bernadette has a theatrical bent, hasn’t she? Knows how to put on a show!’
Chris smiled across at Bernadette. ‘This whole thing is completely crazy, but really cool. It’s eccentric, you know. You’re an English eccentric! The helicopters and the donkeys and the whole levitating table thing. Feel sorry for your boyfriend; you must be exhausting!’ He meant it good-naturedly, but Bernadette, not noted for her social graces, was unable to let it pass.
Acts of Love Page 19