by Candis Terry
All she wanted was for those she loved to be safe at night.
Yet she knew if she said those exact words to Jake, he’d tell her that’s exactly why he and his brothers had fought. To keep their loved ones safe. The men and women of the military never ceased to amaze her. She respected them, and honored them, and prayed for their safety. But she was still glad Jake was home.
So . . . how to handle a man with wounded pride and a heart burdened with guilt?
“Stop stalling,” she said.
“I’m not stalling.”
“Okay.” She held out her hand. “Then give it to me to read. Because I’m curious as hell.”
He pulled it from his pocket and slapped it into the palm of her hand.
Carefully, she slid her thumb under the flap and removed the paper. The seal at the corner of the document was the sign of an important correspondence. “Do you want me to read it out loud?”
“No.”
She sighed. When she read the words a chill ran up her back. “Jake?”
“What?” He’d turned back to his work as if a letter from the branch of the military he’d respected and dedicated years of his life to meant nothing.
“This says this is a second attempt to contact you regarding awarding you the Purple Heart.”
His eyes narrowed. “Not interested.”
No hesitation in his response whatsoever. No anger either. Just an indifferent response that held no emotion.
“What do you mean not interested?”
“I mean I don’t want it.
“You can’t say no.”
“I just did.” He picked up a wooden post and began measuring.
“Jake.”
“Annie.” He exhaled a frustrated breath of air, and from where she stood, she could see every muscle in his neck and shoulders tense.
“This is an honor.” She held up the paper and rattled it to make her point.
“For who? I got shot. Big fucking deal. I got shot because I was stupid. What about Eli? What about my brother? Jared has been dead for years. Where’s his fucking medal? I got a bullet in my leg. He died. Eli died. I deserve nothing. They’re the heroes. Purple Heart, Silver Star, Medal of Honor, they deserve it all.”
“But—”
“Annie? I could never, with a clean conscience, accept an award for something I don’t deserve. Especially when those who do deserve it have been forgotten.” He turned back to the post and slammed it onto the table saw.
“Is that the end of this discussion?” she asked.
“Not much else to say.”
She stood there and watched him work. Tears filled her heart, but she refused to let them fall from her eyes. She had to be strong. She had to say what needed to be said, regardless of the outcome.
“Jake?”
A hard breath of frustration pushed from his lungs before he turned to look at her.
“You may not think what you did was heroic. Your mother does. Your brothers do. And I do. I admire you. And I love you. But you have got to find that forgiveness you so desperately need. Whether it comes from yourself, or Eli’s wife, or somewhere else. It’s impossible for you to move on with your life if you keep going like you are.”
A long silence floated between them. In that moment, an entire spectrum of emotions crossed his face. His jaw clenched and unclenched. And because his chest was bare, she could see the hard pulse of his heart.
“If what you say is true,” he said, “that you love me . . . you’ll understand.”
“Oh, Jake.” The tears finally fell. “I do love you. And I understand as much as I possibly can. But this isn’t about me understanding. This is about your life. You keep taking two steps forward and one step back. Baby, for your own good, you need to keep moving forward.”
“I can’t.” He shook his head. “I just . . . can’t.”
She moved to where he stood with his gloved hands fisted and his broken heart laid bare. “You have to figure this out. Trying to push it back isn’t working.” She touched his face. Kissed his lips. Then turned away. Simply because there wasn’t anything more she could say or do.
“Annie?”
The desperation in his voice caused her to stop and turn.
“Do you think I should go see Eli’s wife and family? Maybe the families of the others who died and were injured too?”
“Whatever it is you promised your friend you would do, you need to make that happen. For your own sake, you need to go wherever your heart takes you, so you can find a way to heal.” Annie gave him her bravest smile. “As for me? I’m not going anywhere. When you come back, I’ll be right here waiting for you.”
Leaving her heart behind, she walked away, leaving him to figure things out. The old saying that you could lead a horse to water but you couldn’t make him drink was true. Jake was stubborn. And he was broken. If there was a chance for him to ever find happiness, he had to face his demons head-on.
Grief was such an individual process. Annie had suffered loss in her lifetime. Not always from a death. She’d lost the love of her parents although she and Abby were never sure they’d had it in the first place. She’d lost the man who’d fathered her little boy, a man she thought she’d loved. Loss could take its toll on a person.
There was no right way to grieve, just as there was no way to anticipate exactly how the feelings of sadness, anger, and loss would be resolved. From what she’d lived through in her own life, the process could be like a roller-coaster ride with extreme highs and tremendous lows.
Jake was a perfect example of the effects of that rough ride. One part of him thought he had to be tough and never show his fear. Another part of him seemed to want to crawl up in a ball and cease to exist.
A good cry always made her feel better. But she knew Jake would see tears as a sign of weakness. In her mind, a man who allowed his tears to fall was far stronger than someone trying to fake it in order to hold it all together. Right now, Jake was walking on the thin edge of a blade that one day would cut him deep if he didn’t get off.
And if he wouldn’t cry for himself, she’d do it for him.
Jake watched Annie walk away.
Because he had to. He had to force himself to watch the possibility of losing the very best thing in his life. He pressed a hand to his chest, but it didn’t relieve the ache.
As she got farther and farther away, the emptiness overwhelmed him. He’d been trying to get lost in the present, but the past kept catching up with him. The tragedy had taken place not that long ago. Only a few months actually. He’d barely had time to catch his breath with all that had happened since they’d flown his bleeding body and that of his brothers in arms out of that sandpit of hell. He could still taste the dirt in his mouth as he’d hit the ground. Could still smell the blood and smoke. Could still hear the repeat of rapid gunfire. The shouts. The profanities that tore through the air when they’d come under attack.
In his mind, he could still see every movement made.
Except his own.
He could hear every voice.
Except his own.
He’d failed because he’d tried to get them to safety, and he’d done just the opposite. He’d ordered them straight into danger. The minute details of the mission began to get foggier with each passing day. All that remained was the gritty truth.
He wasn’t just devastated, he was angry.
Perhaps this might be the first time he realized that.
In the beginning, everything happened so fast there hadn’t been time to think other than to get his men the hell out of there. Then there was the injury, the recovery process, the inquest into the incident, the funerals he’d missed, the injured troops who’d been taken to other areas for treatment. None of them had spoken since that day.
Why?
Maybe if they’d all bonded together, t
hey could have avoided the aftermath that bred anger, confusion, guilt, and loneliness. But maybe not. Everyone had to deal with things their own way. He was the perfect pathetic example of not dealing.
He sat down on the edge of the deck as Annie disappeared around the corner of the house. Hank laid down next to him and settled his big black head on Jake’s thigh.
“She said she loves me.”
Hank looked up with his big, brown, understanding eyes and whined.
“She deserves better.”
Apparently, Hank took offense to that. He jumped up and began to bark and growl at Jake like he completely disagreed. He pawed at Jake’s leg, then reared back and pushed at Jake’s chest with both front paws and such force he knocked Jake back to the deck. The sun blinded him as Hank jumped on top of him and lay down, settling his front legs on Jake’s chest and giving Jake a canine version of the stink-eye.
If his heart didn’t ache so damn bad, Jake would have laughed. Instead, he laid his head back on the smooth wood deck and looked up at the blue sky and vibrant treetops. He inhaled a long breath of clean air as Hank settled his moist nose beneath Jake’s chin.
“If I don’t do something—if I don’t figure it out—she won’t love me for long.” He stroked Hank’s head again and was rewarded with another low growl. “I know, buddy. I can’t let that happen.”
Maybe like with alcoholism and drug addiction, the first sign of healing was realizing you had a problem.
He’d been through enough battles to know you had to go through it to get to the other side. So before he started sounding too much like a girl, he had to get this shit figured out.
He blinked against the bright sunlight.
He was ready.
Whatever it took.
He was ready to fulfill his duty and keep the promise he’d made to his fallen brother, then pull himself back together.
He was ready.
Chapter 15
Visiting Jana at Martin Lane’s house instead of Wilder Ranch seemed strange. But two days after she’d left Jake wallowing in his guilt, that’s where Annie headed. In her hand, she had a list of names and numbers. In her heart, she bore determination.
He’d called her before he and Hank drove out of town in his big black truck to say good-bye. He’d made arrangements with the brothers to feed the cattle and Miss Giddy, but he’d decided to take his four-legged best friend for company on the long drive to Arizona. She’d wished him the best and asked him to drive carefully, but she’d stopped short at telling him she loved him again. Not because he hadn’t returned the sentiment but because she felt he didn’t need any added pressure to do so. If he loved her, he’d realize that, and he’d say it in his own good time. If he didn’t love her, she wouldn’t regret letting him know how she felt. She’d hidden it for way too long. And no matter what happened down this rocky road, she’d always love him.
After Annie parked her car in Martin and Jana’s driveway, she heard Frank Sinatra music and laughter floating out from the house. Maybe she should have called first. Who knew what the soon-to-be-marrieds were up to. Knowing the business at hand was important, she knocked on the door anyway.
“Sugarplum!” Jana opened the screen door and pulled her into a hug. “What a surprise to see you. Come on in.”
Annie followed her inside the ranch-style home and immediately saw that Jana had been putting her own stamp on the interior. Both Jana and Martin wore paint-splattered clothes and broad smiles. The walls in the living room had a fresh coat of khaki-tinted paint, and the furniture was covered with drop cloths.
“I’m sorry to interrupt. I know I should have called first, but . . .”
“Nonsense. I can see you’ve got worried all over your pretty face,” Martin said. “How about I go make us a fresh pot of coffee and we all sit down at the kitchen table. Unless this is private?”
“There’s no such thing.” Jana waved a hand at her fiancé. “You’ve got a ring on my finger, so that makes you a big part of whatever mess we get ourselves into. Unless you’re planning on running.”
“In for a dollar.” Martin laughed and kissed the top of Jana’s head. “I’ll go get the coffee started.” He disappeared into the kitchen, and Annie took a deep breath of, unfortunately, paint fumes.
“I hope Jake called you and let you know he was going out of town,” she said.
“He did.” Jana nodded. “Though he didn’t fill me in on the specifics. Just said not to worry. And you know, when a child says that, a parent worries.”
“Luckily, those days are way ahead of me.” Annie fidgeted with the papers in her hand. “I know you’ve figured out that Jake and I have been getting . . . closer lately.”
“I figured.” Jana gave her hand a squeeze. “So try not to look like I’m about to take a bite out of you. I couldn’t be happier that you two finally figured out what most of us have seen coming for a long time.”
“A long time? Wish I’d have known that. Maybe I could have saved myself some sleepless nights.” Annie sighed. “I’m not going to beat around the bush. I love him, Jana. I’ve always loved him. Even when there were times I wanted to rip him to shreds because of his sheer orneriness or his stubbornness. But right now I don’t think he’s telling you the whole story. And I think you need to know. Plus, I need your help.”
“Just tell me what you need, sugarplum.”
Martin poked his head out of the kitchen. “Coffee’s on.”
“How about we go sit down. Looks like you’ve got a lot to say.”
“I do.” She followed Jana into the kitchen, which was in as much disarray as the rest of the house. Martin had cleared a space on the table, and they all sat down. “Jake will probably fry me in oil when he finds out I’ve come to you, but I can’t do this on my own.”
“Do I need to call in the troops?”
Annie nodded. “You might.”
For the next few minutes, Annie explained why Jake was headed to Arizona. She showed Jana the notification letter she’d taken with her when she left his house that day. And though she didn’t have the right to take such an important correspondence, she’d feared he’d only have destroyed it out of misplaced anger. He hadn’t asked for it back, and she figured the names and numbers would help her mission.
For two days, she’d struggled with the decision of whether to intervene or not. But the overwhelming love in her heart pointed her in Jana’s direction.
“Oh, that rascal.” Jana smoothed her thumb over the letter. “I knew he’d gotten the first notice that the Marines planned to give him the Purple Heart. He didn’t say much after he got the letter, so I thought he contacted them. The award is a done deal. The Marines just want to know a date, time, and place they can present it to him. I had no idea he’d refused because Jared hadn’t received his awards.”
She smoothed her hands down her paint-splattered blouse. “I wish that boy would have shared more with me. I received a letter from the military some time ago about Jared’s honors. I hadn’t responded either. Looks like my boy and I are two of a kind.”
“Miscommunications are common.” Annie could swear someone lifted a Mack truck off her shoulders. “Especially when you’re dealing with something of this nature.”
“Ain’t that the truth.” Jana patted Martin’s hand when it slipped over the top of her shoulder. “I’m so glad Jake has you. And that you understand each other’s needs. That’s the way it should be between couples. You share the good, the bad, and the ugly. And you just pray for a good resolution when times get tough. So let’s get moving on this. I’ll make some calls to the officials, and we’ll make this happen. Knowing Jared will receive his awards too should make Jake happy.”
A river of positive energy flowed through Annie’s blood. Coming to Jana had been the right thing to do. And since she was his next of kin, she was the one who could make things happen.
<
br /> By the time Annie went to bed that night, she lay there alone, thinking of Jake, and hoping he would find a way to ease his torment. After what he’d been through, no one deserved to carry so much guilt and pain when all they’d been trying to do was the right thing. Jake certainly had his faults, but he was one of the most honorable men she’d ever known. And even while he struggled, she knew there was no way she’d give up on him.
Not now.
Not ever.
For ten minutes, Jake sat in front of the typical subdivision house on a typical street in Yuma, Arizona. The tan house matched the xeriscaped yard and the cactus accents. The sky above was a hazy blue and the weather unusually cool for the desert community.
Realizing he might possibly go inside the house, he wondered about leaving Hank in the truck with the windows down. But the Lab gave him a look of promise that he’d be good and not take off after the first cat that might cross his path. Still, that wasn’t what kept Jake belted in behind the steering wheel. It seemed the manners he’d been raised with had vanished. Walking up unannounced and unexpected to someone’s door was discourteous. Walking up to the door of someone you knew would most likely not be happy to see you went beyond impolite.
Not to mention it was scary as hell.
He double-checked the address even though he knew he was in front of the right house because there was a homey little sign that read HARRIS. He took a breath, grabbed the keys from the ignition, and opened the truck door. As he closed it, he said to Hank, “Might be back in two seconds if Rebecca slams the door in my face.”
Hank gave him another one of his all-knowing, growly dog barks.
Jake briskly rubbed the top of the Hank’s head through the open window. “You think you know so much.” He strode to the front door and rang the bell.
It wasn’t Eli’s wife who answered. Instead, a woman with the same electric shade of red hair but in an older version stood in the doorway.
“Can I help you?”
“I’m looking for Rebecca Harris.”
A roadblock of frown lines crossed the woman’s forehead. “And you are?”