A Ballad of Confetti, Cake and Catastrophes

by Helen Juliet

  He was surprised as he rounded his parent’s driveway to find Peter outside, lurking away from the rain under the protection of the carport. Nicholas didn’t miss as his soon-to-be brother-in-law looked up and realised he was no longer alone, so immediately dropped the half-finished cigarette from his mouth and crushed it with his trainer.

  “Hey,” he called out sheepishly as Nicholas approached.

  “I thought you’d quit?” Nicholas asked. He didn’t put any judgement into his words, although he knew how much Clara had hated it before.

  Peter rubbed the bridge of his nose and pushed his glasses back up. He was a gangly sort of fellow; all limbs and heavy feet, like a puppy. He was taller than Nicholas, but then most guys were. He was about as skinny, though. Clara joked that both of their big appetites would catch up to their waistlines one day, but so far, their metabolisms remained on their sides.

  “Emergency,” said Peter glumly. “I haven’t had one for months, I swear.”

  Nicholas shook his head. “Hey man, your secret’s safe with me.” He fished into his pocket and pulled out the packet of gum he’d just bought. He wasn’t sure if kissing gave you bad breath, but it had seemed like a sensible precaution. “Did the girls sort out the name cards.”

  Peter took a couple of pieces gratefully and popped them in his mouth, then shoved his hands in his pockets. He was only wearing a light shirt over his t-shirt, but he didn’t seem to be shivering. “Yeah, they’ve got some plan. Kinny was printing things off the computer when I came out. It’s not that.”

  Nicholas was almost too afraid to ask. “Then, what?”

  Peter shook his head and looked out into the rain. “It’s this whole wedding, it’s such a circus. Why does one day require so much fucking faff?”

  Nicholas laughed nervously. “It’s just the nature of it, I guess,” he told him. “But, it’ll be worth it, right? Clara’s worth it?”

  Peter seemed to take a moment to process what he’d said. “Oh god no,” he cried, then yanked his hands from his pockets to wave them at Nicholas. “I mean, yes, of course she is! No, no, no, this isn’t cold feet!”

  Nicholas let out the breath he’d been holding. “Okay,” he said, grateful Peter had picked up on his fear immediately. “Sorry, you had me worried for a second there.”

  He and Peter hadn’t really hung out much over the years, but Nicholas did like him very much. He knew Danielle looked down her nose at the fact he was ‘only’ a manager at a roleplaying games shop, but he truly loved what he did. Nicholas had popped in once or twice on a Saturday in the past, and he’d seen him running Warhammer battles for eager pre-teens. He liked advising people on the perfect way to mix their paints for the models and he knew which books were just for right for their Dungeons & Dragons campaigns, because he’d read them all. Nicholas got the feeling he’d be an amazing dad one day.

  Maybe his cousin’s snooty attitude was finally becoming clear after a week spent in each other’s company. The last thing Nicholas wanted was for Peter to feel unwelcome in the family.

  “I supposed Danielle is making a big deal out of a lot of things, isn’t she? Other people’s weddings probably aren’t run like a dictatorship.”

  Peter snorted, then immediately looked guilty. “No, no,” he said quickly around his gum. “She’s fine – great! And I knew she was highly strung, but this has really brought out her, um, enthusiastic side.”

  Nicholas was impressed at his tact. “You can say she’s being a controlling bitch, you know,” he told him, grinning.

  Peter looked shocked. “No,” he said hastily. “I didn’t mean it like that.”

  But Nicholas clapped him on the shoulder and winked. “Of course you didn’t. Look at it this way, it’s only for a could more days. Then you’ll be on holiday – and married! That’s pretty awesome, right?”

  Peter did give him a smile at that. “Definitely awesome,” he agreed. “It just feels like there’s a mountain to climb between now and then.”

  “Urgh, tell me about it.”

  “Well,” said Peter slowly. Oh dear lord, Nicholas thought as his heart dropped. What now? “The photographer is double booked.”

  For a moment, Nicholas just stared. “What?”

  “He double booked himself.” Peter sighed and bit his lip. “If I’d made the booking sooner, we would have got in first. But as we were second, he has to honour the first couple.”

  “That’s not your fault!” Nicholas yelled. He didn’t want the neighbours to hear, so he got a hold of himself. But he was so angry at the universe he could honestly have screamed. “How can a professional double book himself like that? That’s outrageous!”

  “To be fair,” said Peter, “he was totally ashamed.”

  Nicholas scoffed. “That doesn’t bloody fix the problem, does it?”

  Peter bobbed his head. “He did say he had some people he knows that might be able to step in,” he said. “Other photographers.”

  “They better bloody give you a discount now,” said Nicholas.

  Peter raised his eyebrows. “Really?”

  “Hell yeah. That’s the least they can do!”

  Peter mulled it over for a moment. “Well, that would be pretty cool if they did.”

  Nicholas was tempted to ask for the numbers himself and do the chasing, but if the photographer was truly keen on redeeming himself, he’d probably do a better and quicker job of ringing around his contacts. He didn’t want to undermine Peter either; he was a grown man, he could manage one disaster. There were plenty to go around, after all.

  “Does Clara know?”

  Peter looked at his watch. “No, I was hoping the photographer and I could get a replacement before anyone else found out,” he admitted. He shrugged and rubbed at his mouth, obviously feeling guilty, but if there was anyone else who could sympathise with his plight, it was Nicholas.

  “You’ve still got time. Besides,” he added. “I’m going to let you in on a little secret.” It was a gamble telling him, but he hoped it would make him feel better until he heard back from the photographers. “The bridesmaids’ dresses aren’t really at the dry-cleaners. They’re at Kinny’s mum’s, getting altered after the cat ripped the fronts of all three of them.”

  Now it was Peter’s turn to ogle. “Oh shit.” He laughed unsurely. “Who else knows about that?”

  “Just Kinny and Ash,” Nicholas said with a sigh. “It’s probably dangerous to surprise Danielle with them, but none of us could face her stressing until we had a solution to give her.”

  Peter clasped his shoulder. “You’re a brave man,” he told him.

  Nicholas was going to reply that he was actually a total coward, but the back door burst open before he could speak.

  “Oh,” cried Danielle in surprise. “Nicholas, you’re back. Good. Everything alright with the harpist?”

  It’s a guitarist. IT’S A GUITARIST. “Yep, fine.”

  Oh yeah. Total coward.

  “I must say, that’s very diligent of her to assess the venue beforehand.” Danielle nodded. Despite being in the middle of a frenzied crisis, she still had perfect hair and makeup, and a nice top on with her jeans. Nicholas wasn’t sure how she did it. “Okay, well if you boys could come back in, we’re ready to get the production line going.” She clenched her fist and gazed into the middle distance. “We’ll get these cards finished tonight even if it kills us.”

  Nicholas suspected it just might.

  Chapter Ten

  (Two days to go…)

  Come Thursday, Nicholas tentatively began to hope they were on their way out of the woods. Not there completely, but tiptoeing along the path with the sunshine peeking enticingly through the trees, spurring them on.

  Figuratively, of course. It hadn’t stopped bloody raining.

  But one of Clara’s good friends from uni had thoughtfully suggested Clara get a wedding umbrella, just in case. It wouldn’t have even occurred to Nicholas that such a thing existed, but the night before, his mum h
ad gone online and found a lovely white brolly with a frilly edge, like a petticoat, complete with sparkly handle. She’d paid a fortune for next day delivery, but it gave them all the peace of mind that even if the weather continued to spite them, they had a backup plan.

  At the breakfast table that morning, Peter had caught Nicholas’s eye, then waited until no one else was particularly paying attention before he gave him two excited thumbs up from under the counter. That could only mean the photographer had come through with a replacement, and Nicholas felt his whole body sag with relief.

  Then, Kinny had pulled him to one side, and showed him pictures of two of the three finished bridesmaid dresses. Her mum and her brother (who’d text her the photos) had done a beautiful job of transforming the ruined skirts into a ‘layered dip-hem’ as Kinny called it, and even added extra clear sequins to the new edge to give them extra sparkle. Apparently, the last one would be finished by tomorrow morning. It was all going to be fine.

  Which is probably why, when they were loading up the car to take everything to the venue in advance of Saturday, Nicholas only felt a tiny bit bad lying his arse off.

  “Trev’s had a bit of an emergency,” he said to his mum in a moment when he got her alone. “His parents are trying to stop him going to this convention for his comic book, and he needs some moral support. Are you alright if I don’t come with you?”

  He definitely felt bad at the outpouring of concern his mum unleashed in support of Trev. “Oh that woman,” she fumed, referring to Trev’s mum. “I’d like to give her a piece of my mind!” She ruffled her hair and searched angrily through her handbag for her lipstick. She always reapplied her lippy when she was feeling agitated. “Yes, of course love. We’ve got more than enough pairs of hands to tackle loading and unloading – there’s only so much space in the cars as it is. We’ll see you this evening, yeah?”

  Nicholas told himself he’d done enough fretting in secret, so it was okay to tell a bit of a white lie. Besides, he was too excited about seeing Fynn again to dwell on it for long.

  Between so many of them, they had indeed managed to get the new name cards made before midnight the previous night. Which had given Nicholas plenty of opportunity to lock himself away in his room, then start delving through the internet as he launched into his new and exciting phase of sex education.

  He’d started on a couple of his usual porn sites, this time venturing into the men on men sections. It wasn’t like he’d never drifted that way before, but this was the first time he was looking with intent. He made sure to angle himself so he could see his door, just in case he was disturbed, kept only one headphone in, and then he began.

  There seemed to be a lot of really macho stuff that tried to convince you that the beefed-up actors were really straight. He thought that was a little odd, but he’d long ago decided that he firmly believed in ‘each to their own’ when it came to porn. One of his and Trev’s mates from school was obsessed with Asian girls who looked barely legal, and a guy he knew from uni halls had a strange fixation with sheep, neither of which he could say he was all that comfortable with. So, if certain gay guys got off thinking about turning straight ones with their wicked ways, that seemed sort of tame in comparison.

  Nicholas was drawn in by descriptions that included the words ‘Twink’ and ‘Fem’. Not because they looked like Fynn – none of the guys really looked like Fynn – but they did look kind of like him. Slim and more effeminate. There were some movies that paired them with bigger guys, but he found himself getting lost for over an hour watching a few of the prettier guys who had been paired together. He had lapped up their adventurous session all over a rather fancy hotel room, as they went at it again and again.

  He’d been left with a raging hard-on that hadn’t taken long to sort out, but also a slightly clearer understanding of the mechanics of how certain things worked. He still wasn’t sure about giving head, or receiving it, but the boys’ faces in the films had looked like they’d loved every second of it. He was, therefore, determined to keep an open mind.

  A big difference between a man with a woman and a man with a man seemed to come down to stretching. He supposed it made sense that lady parts were naturally good to go, whereas if you were coming from around the back, you needed to take a bit more time and effort.

  Again, Nicholas had reassured himself that the actors had really seemed to be having fun as they’d shagged on the bed…and the sofa…and the fluffy rug by the fireplace…and against the wall. But that was their job. They were paid to put on a show. Nicholas wasn’t sure he really fancied the idea of something being pushed inside him over and over again. He was too timid to even experiment with it himself, once he’d slipped into bed and turned the lights out. But at least he didn’t feel so completely clueless that morning as he waved the others off.

  He went back inside to collect his things and texted Fynn that he was on his way. He was working his usual shift at the Italian restaurant, so that gave them a few hours to spend together.

  His aunt would still be at her conference, so they’d be alone again. Nicholas’s mind drifted back to the videos he’d watched the night before, and he felt a flutter of nerves. Fynn would probably want to do that. He’d had other boyfriends before, so Nicholas would have to catch up fast, otherwise he could lose his interest. He had an irrational flare of disappointment at himself that he couldn’t have worked out his preferences sooner. Maybe then he could have messed around with a boy or two as well, and not be such an embarrassing newb now for Fynn.

  He was lost in thought as he picked up his keys and slipped on a jacket. When the paw came out from under his bed and several claws sliced at his ankle, the shock got him almost as much as the pain. “Archibald!” he screamed, clutching at his ankle. “Get out!”

  The cat shot out into the hallway. He then turned on the spot and sat looking at him, his eyes narrowing in satisfaction as his tail swished back and forth. As if he hadn’t caused enough damaged already, he had to go and draw blood. Nicholas muttered under his breath as he grabbed the last of his things and slammed his door behind him. That finally made the feline scarper.

  The scratches stung a little as he pulled his shoes and socks on, but once Nicholas started walking, he calmed himself down, and managed to forget about the pain.

  He was getting himself worked up over nothing. Fynn had panicked about kissing him yesterday, and stopped to check Nicholas was happy every step of the way before he’d jerked him off. He wasn’t going to get pissy if Nicholas said he wasn’t ready for anal. Surely?

  There was no need to over-think things. They were just going to hang out, like they had been the last couple of days. Except this time, with maybe a bit more kissing. Kissing Nicholas could definitely get on board with.

  The bus was nowhere to be seen, but Nicholas felt like walking anyway despite the rain. It would only take him half of the route anyway. A bit of exercise would dispel some of the nervous energy that had built up despite his best efforts to stay chilled. By the time Fynn let him into the apartment building, he was a mixture of excitement and dread, and he kept swaying between the two.

  He half-imagined that Fynn might jump him as soon as he reached the apartment door. However, all he got was a soft kiss on the cheek as Fynn greeted him, before leading him straight to his bedroom. Nicholas struggled with a flurry of conflicting emotions as he followed him down the corridor. Had Fynn changed his mind? Was he only bringing him in to dump him? Or was he going to swing the other way, and ravage Nicholas on the bed. Images of the movie he’d watched the night before rushed through his mind, and he couldn’t work out which made him more nervous.

  Instead, Fynn just opened up his umbrella in the en-suite like he had the day before, and then sat at his computer desk. “I thought we could watch a film,” he said, getting Netflix up on his screen.

  “Oh,” said Nicholas, stepping closer.

  A film was safe. Nicholas was at war with himself again though, struggling between relief and dis
appointment they weren’t just going to jump straight to the sex. He wasn’t sure how he really felt. As soon as he was close enough, Fynn pulled him over to sit on his lap, cradling him with one arm. The height difference meant that Nicholas tucked into his side nicely, and that felt all kinds of nice. He finally stopped fretting, and resolved himself to just enjoy being with Fynn.

  “What do you fancy?”

  “Um,” said Nicholas shyly. “I don’t mind. What were you thinking?”

  Fynn beamed down at him, and nuzzled his nose through his hair. “Have you seen Ghost in the Shell?”

  It turned out, Fynn had quite a thing about anime, and the original Japanese version of the film was one of his all-time favourites. Nicholas happily agreed, jumping at the chance to get to know him and his interests a little bit better.

  Before they started watching, Fynn tugged his hand and lead him into the kitchen. “I hope you’re hungry?” he asked. He proudly showed him how the night before, at the end of his shift, he’d got the chef to make him two portions of the restaurant’s renowned tagliatelle carbonara to take away, and he quickly heated them up in the microwave. “I also got us some Krispy Kremes,” he informed Nicholas between kisses, as they hugged by the kitchen counter. The sink was still full of dirty dishes, and there were crumbs and food packets everywhere, but in that moment it all seemed extremely romantic to Nicholas.

  “Oh,” he exclaimed with a laugh. “My sister and her husband met at a Krispy Kreme. It wasn’t their first date exactly; their World of Warcraft team had a meet up in real life, and they just happened to pick there to get everyone together. They’d got on online before, but it’s a bit hard to flirt while you’re raiding mythical forests apparently. As they soon as they met in person she said she just knew. Isn’t that romantic?”

  Danielle liked to tell people that Peter and Clara had ‘met online’, and definitely mislead them to think she meant on match.com or something. But Nicholas remembered that back then, dating websites were seen as being pretty lame, so he didn’t really understand how that made it any cooler. Besides, wasn’t it better that they’d met doing something they both loved?