by Sheila Kell
Relief and joy emanated from him, and her heart leaped for her daughter. It soared for herself also despite how she tried to brush the emotions away. She placed her finger on her lip to signal quiet.
A look of pure love bled from him as he watched his daughter sleep. At one time Emily had always hoped for that much love from him. But she no longer knew what she wanted.
She touched him lightly on the arm, ignoring the heat shooting through her hand, to guide him out of the room. Closing the door, she turned to him. He was such a handsome man. Tall, like her brothers, he hovered over her by a full head. Now that she took a good look at him, he wasn’t as thin as she’d thought. His broad shoulders stood strong, and his arm muscles bulged beneath his shirt. However, he was leaner than he’d been when he’d left. Maybe times had been tough for him and food hadn’t been a priority. But, then he surely would have come home sooner.
“We have to talk, Em.”
She nodded and led him downstairs then passed between the family room and kitchen to the patio. Without looking back, assuming he followed, she chose a set of chairs at the far end of the deck.
“Les, can you give us a bit of space?”
Emily snapped her head around. She’d been so focused on her path and tamping down her anger enough to speak calmly, that she hadn’t noticed Les, their resident cowboy on the HIS team, patrolling nearby. Did her brothers think it necessary to have this protection? She didn’t recall them ever having it when she’d visited before. Sure the men had been around, but not in this protective mode.
Both of them settled on the brown, cushioned chairs; their gazes focused on the well-lit backyard, and the sound of crickets breached the silence. Even after dark, the heat and humidity were stifling and beads of sweat formed on her skin almost immediately. Grasping the neckline of her blouse, she waved it to pull air inside and cool herself.
Jake reached behind him and flipped the switch to turn on the ceiling fan with large hands that distracted her. She’d remembered them running over her body when she’d become a woman.
Did he regret it? He must’ve to stay away for so long. Her mind reeled. What was he planning to say? She didn’t want to hear about him marrying her again.
His chair creaked as he turned his body to her, heat rising as she felt him observing her. Heat from his gaze. Heat from her fury. She loved him with an intensity that hadn’t scared her when she was younger, but now, terrified her. He’d rejected her, abandoned her, leaving her devastated.
Tears stung her eyes, but this was finally the moment of truth.
“It’s a beautiful night, isn’t it?”
Ignoring his question, she turned to him. “Why, Jake? Why did you abandon me?” She threw up her hands, her voice rising in volume. Watching him cringe at exactly what she’d said took the wind out of her sails. When she’d been twelve, she’d heard him and AJ talking about how his father had abandoned him and how much he hated the word. Shit. She hadn’t meant to be such a bitch. Well, maybe a bit, but not like that.
“Em, it’s not….” Jake cleared his throat and took a shaky breath. “Em, I’m sorry.”
The tremor in his voice had her emotions regrouping on their own, pushing her to allow him to explain, to give him a chance to say the right things. Whatever they might be. How was she to take his apology? Years ago, she’d wanted to hear those words when he returned to be with her. But he hadn’t.
“That’s four years too late.” The anguish plastered on his face cooled her blood, making her heart ache for him. Then she kicked herself. He deserved to feel like that. How did he think she’d felt all these years? If this was difficult for him, then so be it.
“I know. I know. I shouldn’t have handled things the way I did. If I could go back and do it again, things would’ve been different.”
Emily wanted to ask how they’d be different, but she was afraid of his answer. What if that difference didn’t include the two of them together? Once he found out she was pregnant, he’d have married her, out of obligation, not out of love, which was the only way she wanted him.
As she wrestled with the indecision of what to ask, how to handle the rest of their conversation, Dottie, Kate’s pregnant Dalmatian, bounded out of her doggie door and bee-lined straight for her. Their bomb-sniffing dogs, Daisy and Bomber, didn’t have the run of the place like the Dal. Rubbing behind the dog’s ears, sending white fur flying, she decided to jump in with both feet, giving him that chance, hoping her heart wasn’t about to shatter again with his answer, that he wouldn’t make her feel any smaller than she did by seducing him when he hadn’t wanted it. “What happened? Where were you? Why didn’t you stay and fight for me, for us?”
He sighed heavily and dropped his head. He looked so vulnerable that she wanted to hug him to her breast and assure him everything was okay. But, it wasn’t, so why pretend? Capturing her gaze with a tortured look in his eyes almost made her want to take back her questions. But, she had to know.
Breaking eye contact, he looked over the yard again and chuckled lightly. “That’s quite a few questions at once, but I wouldn’t expect less from you, sprite.”
When he called her by the name only he’d been allowed to use when she was growing up, her heart did a little flip-flop. As a girl, she considered it his endearment to her. His expression of love. She’d been so wrong, so very wrong.
“It’s a long story.”
“Let’s start with why you left and didn’t call me or anyone else? We thought you were dead. Do you know how that made me feel, knowing I’d have to tell our daughter that?” She had to stop before he caught how choked up she’d become.
“I really don’t know what to say that can make it right. As for leaving,” he began and turned back to her, “I was in shock when AJ woke me.” He paused. “You see, I wasn’t….” A lump visibly slid down his throat. “Em, I wasn’t awake.”
Closing her eyes to the tears that quickly formed, she turned away. She’d known in her heart he’d never completely woken up, but she’d hoped and prayed that he had. When his eyes had slid open for those few moments, she’d thought he’d realized it was her. Was this his cop out?
“You called out my name,” she whispered, turning back to him.
“I didn’t realize.” He rubbed his forehead and then wiped his hand gradually down his face. “I thought I had an erotic dream with you in it. At the time, I didn’t realize it was truly happening.”
It took her a moment to understand his response. He’d actually dreamed about having sex with her? That would explain it. And deep down she’d known. “I’m sorry, Jake. I knew you were drunk. I shouldn’t have—”
“You have nothing to apologize for.” He flashed a sexy smile. “It was an amazing night.”
“Then why did you leave?”
“I didn’t know what to think. There wasn’t really time to process everything before AJ tossed me out.”
She crossed her arms over her chest. “You know he would’ve cooled off after a day or two.”
“Well, that’s where the story gets long. It was too late.”
Once she’d learned of his trip to Arthur, his undercover assignment and his captivity, every bit of anger and disappointment with him evaporated, left her in a swoosh, her heart contracted with compassion, leaving her feeling lighter. Yet, it still stuck with her that he’d run instead of turning around fighting for them, and the lividness slowly returned, seeping back into her blood.
“I was stupid, Em. I know I should’ve come back. You deserved that. I was a coward. I didn’t want to face your father or brothers. What I did was wrong.”
Oh God. Did he mean having sex with her had been wrong? Was that how he really felt?
“I won’t leave you again. You or Amber.” Regret dominated the tone of his voice. “Will you tell me about her?”
Had he not run away, she wouldn’t have to tell him about
his own daughter. Dammit. She couldn’t let it go; even knowing she needed to for her daughter’s sake. Emily wouldn’t make a fool of herself again. He didn’t love her, and she wouldn’t allow herself to love him that deeply again and have her heart ripped out. Again.
With a palpable, undeniable strain on their relationship, she regaled him with the years he’d missed in Amber’s life, sure she’d caught his eyes shimmering with unshed tears.
Nine
AN UNCOMFORTABLE SILENCE permeated the air between them. Jake had planned the picnic by the pond well. The women watched Amber so she and Jake could be alone, and he’d had Mrs. Kessler make a small feast of Emily’s favorites that he’d spread out on a soft blanket. She snacked without a word except in direct response to a question.
Had he thought that after explaining himself she would fall into his arms and declare her love and willingness to marry him? She’d sat up the night before, unable to sleep, thinking about all that he’d told her. He’d made a mistake by taking the assignment with the FBI, but he’d still left. She couldn’t resolve herself to forgive him for that. Not yet.
To top it off, finding out he was a father, he suddenly wanted to be a family. Even though he said differently, it had to be because of Amber. No way would he appear after all of these years and just want to marry her. While she wanted that to be the case, she wasn’t that gullible.
Casting a glance in his direction, she almost drooled as he leaned back on his arms and dropped his head back to soak up the sun. Her gaze ran the length of his body. Thin or not, he still had a presence that drew her to him. That had not changed.
Her heat level rose and she knew it had nothing to do with the sun beating down on them. She’d been cool enough in her shorts and tank top. This heat blended through her veins and made her mouth water for a taste of him.
If she reached over and touched him, this time, they could make love while he was awake. She craved his hands sliding down her body, shooting desire through every nerve ending. Her nipples hardened at the thought. Oh, it would be so easy to climb over to him, slip his T-shirt over his head and run her hands over his chest before sliding herself down on his hard shaft with a heady sigh.
But no. She wouldn’t give in to her baser instinct. Then he’d think all was well between them, and she’d acquiesce and marry him, being the good wife to make him feel like a responsible adult. It wouldn’t work like that with her. If he wanted her, he had to win her heart back. That would be a tough feat since she’d locked it away from him and hidden the key.
Romancing her today with this time together, and his catering to her, did knock at the door of the vault. She ignored the attempted intrusion. Instead, she smiled at him. “Thank you, Jake.”
He turned his head to her with an uncertain smile. He’d been nervous the entire time. In truth, it was their first date so maybe he had a good reason. “I’m glad you enjoyed it.”
Emily wiped her hands on a napkin and scanned the pond, looking everywhere but at him. The vulnerability she caught in his eyes hit her gut with a punch. He wasn’t sure how to handle the day either.
“We can go for a swim if you’d like,” he offered.
She did need cooling off, but she feared even the pond wouldn’t be enough. Looking at him, the sweat that trickled down the side of his face called to her to wipe it for him and then maybe kiss the area. She mentally shook her head. She’d been without sex far too long if that turned her to putty. “No. I’m not wearing a suit.” Although swimming without suits did hold its merits.
With a crook of his brow and a wicked grin, he responded in a challenging voice, “Who said anything about suits.”
A shiver of delight slipped down her spine. She couldn’t break the connection between their gaze. The flame of desire in his eyes grew with each moment. Surely hers did the same, but he couldn’t know she wanted him, though. He had to work for it.
Emily cleared her throat and looked away. “No. But I’d like to walk along the edge.”
Jake sprang to his feet and reached out a hand to help her stand. She hesitated a moment and prepared herself for the electric contact before taking it. Standing beside each other, he stared at her for a moment before dropping her hand.
Releasing a pent-up breath, she followed his lead and kicked off her shoes before turning to the pond. They’d only taken a couple of steps before he clasped her hand back in his. She stiffened, not ready for the intimacy, but wanting it more than anything. She forced a calm to cascade through her body.
Dipping her toe into the cool water, she peeked up at him. Holding his hand, touching him, set a rightness off in her body. He’d always been the one.
He tugged on their hold. “We talked about Amber last night. Thank you for that. Now, I want to know what you’ve been doing.”
She took a deep breath. “There’s not much to tell. I went to school and raised our daughter.”
His jaw tightened, and he squeezed her hand. “Let’s go sit on the dock.”
She spied it on the other side of the pond, closest to the house. The walk would do them good, maybe put some distance between them physically so she could think straight. “Okay.”
Turning, he didn’t release her hand as she’d expected. Truthfully, she wanted to keep holding it, keep feeling the warmth of his touch.
“Did you enjoy college?”
Had she? It had been a means to an end. While her friends went to frat parties and dated, she’d had a child at home who depended on her, and her free thoughts had been of only one man. The man beside her now.
The late nights of studying. The days of leaving her baby in someone else’s care. It hadn’t been easy. Thinking back, she wouldn’t change any of it because it gave her and her daughter independence. Of course, she’d have preferred to have Jake beside her during it all.
“It was fine.” She raised and dropped her shoulders. “It was school.”
He shook his head and laughed. “College was never fine. What course did you dislike the most?”
“Biology.” Cutting up small animals just to see their insides turned her stomach. If she hadn’t needed the credits in science, she’d have boycotted the class.
“Did you take Professor Donaldson?”
Jerking her head in his direction, she gasped. “Yes. Did you have him too?”
Tugging her a little closer, he swung their hands in sync with their steps. “Yep. Hated the old geezer. He gave the most god-awful homework.” He shuddered.
A laugh bubbled up from her chest and escaped. This was what they needed to break through the tension. Common ground. “I almost failed the class.”
He stopped and stared at her with a surprised expression. “Are you kidding me?”
She pulled his hand to keep him moving. “Yeah. I’ve always hated science classes.” Give her math any day, and she’d be tickled pink. Thank goodness, they only had to have a few science courses to graduate.
“I remember.”
Those two words wrapped themselves around her in comfort. He’d paid attention to her when they were growing up together. She wanted to drill him for everything he could remember to see how much he did pay attention to her. But that could also be disappointing. “Well, it’s over. If Amber ever needs help with her science classes, she’ll have to have a tutor.”
His thumb slipped between their hands and stroked her palm. Goose bumps ran up her arm, and sexual awareness tingled in its descent to her core. She closed her eyes. Damn the man.
“I’ll tutor her. I may have disliked the classes, but I did well.” He turned to her with a crooked smile. “Eventually.”
Sure he could tutor. She wouldn’t dream of denying their daughter her father. He just wouldn’t be there all the time because they wouldn’t be married. Not until he wanted to marry her because he loved her.
They stood at the tip of the pier, the silence comfortab
le this time. They’d grown up with a pond at her father’s house and a pier similar to the one they occupied. So many times she’d followed Jake and AJ out when they’d snuck away to swim. In fact, he’d only just moved in with them, but he’d been the one to spend the most time teaching her to swim.
That was probably when she first fell in love with him. At six, what did she know? Infatuation. Love. It was all the same thing to a child. But she never forgot all those moments.
Next thing she knew, an arm wrapped around her waist and another grabbed under her knees. Knowing what he planned, she kicked and squealed but to no avail. He pulled her close to his chest before he launched them into the air.
Her nose burned as water rushed up it. Damn him! She surfaced sputtering and coughing. “Jake Cavanaugh!”
He kept one hand on her waist, holding her an arm’s length from him as they tread water. “Yes, sprite?” His loving, playful tone prompted her laughter. This she’d missed.
She swatted at his chest, eager to move away yet desperate to move closer. “That wasn’t funny.”
“I beg to differ.” He inched her a bit closer, then with the hand at her waist, he released her to rub a thumb down her cheek ever so tenderly, his eyes turning dark as desire took over.
A tremor built deep within her and the breath rushed from between her lips. Did he plan to kiss her? She wanted it so badly. She remembered the warmth of his lips and the stroke of his tongue. She’d spent plenty of nights dreaming of them. Would he kiss her with such fervor while awake?
She swam closer. “I don’t know about this.”
“I do.” His voice, a husky murmur, brought her to her senses. She couldn’t allow this to happen. She would not just jump into bed with him.